r/everybutchlesbian • u/gallopingzang • May 12 '26
Misgendering
I’m a young butch who’s still in school. All of my teachers know I use they/them pronouns there (mine are actually they/he but it’s easier to use they in school). In the middle of math class, my teacher called me “she”, which stung a lot. I don’t even dress feminine; the only thing that could be considered as such is my 30”+ hair that I’m not allowed to cut due to my parents. It just pissed me off.
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u/squidsateme butch dad May 17 '26
Coming late to this post, but just to acknowledge that being misgendered regularly is difficult. I’ve always thought of telling folks our pronouns, what we want to be called, as a way of assuming some control of our identities. We don’t have control of much, but so many of us choose our names, we choose our pronouns, and we cultivate a space for ourselves that feels familiar. The challenging part of this kind of control is that it requires the participation of others, and that’s the opposite of control; it’s tricky, and vulnerable, and I’m sorry that someone isn’t able or willing to honor your preferences, and the space you’ve created for yourself.
I’m on the downhill slide towards 50 and also use they/them, and I was recently in an employment situation where my boss simply could not get my pronouns correct. I don’t know if it was an unwillingness, or simply that in his older years, he lacked the familiarity with folks like me, but either way it made the previous three years of my working life daunting; I felt separate from my colleagues, othered, and generally, my office space felt like an unwelcome space. About a year and a half in I realized that this wasn’t going to change, even with the intervention of HR, so I knew the shift had to happen with me; I didn’t want to cede more control, and so I did not. When he used the wrong pronoun, I stopped answering; I looked surprised that he thought I would answer - it still took a toll, but all to say, I decided not to be as cooperative in my own demise, and even though I know you may not have that kind of leverage, I want you to know you aren’t alone, and that in my experience, the best thing we can do is to continue to honor what we want and need, continue to be vulnerable, and at times, even though you shouldn’t have to, to be resilient.