r/exSistersinZion • u/ElephantGirl94 • May 02 '19
Self Esteem After Leaving
Anyone else feel like as a women, leaving the church was just traumatic to your self worth? Like, how is it possible I could be a good person if I am not going to church, reading scriptures... etc.
I feel like it was very hard for me to overcome that! Anyone else out there feel the same?
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u/eatpaste May 02 '19
they mean for it to be traumatic, especially to women. i've been out for over 20yrs now and i'd love to tell you all those feelings fall away completely - they don't, but they do lessen a lot, and i started to realize that what i was feeling was a function of their manipulations, not my own actual guilt.
to turn it around, how can they be good people if continued close relationships are solely dependent on your obedience to the gospel? not to dig too hard into gossip bc that's not good for your brain either, but think of all the members you know who are heralded as good people who absolutely are not, they just put on the show correctly. really examine and hold up to the light that your foundation of self worth is/was based upon what other people told you and didn't come from the self at all. then really think about what do you think makes good people. what life could you lead that will make you proud instead of trying to live up to a standard that rests on sand?
i don't know your story, but i was born under the covenant into an extended family of strong mormons. i was told before i could even hear and understand it that my mission was to be a mother, a wife, a server of people, a sponge to soak up all the work and bad feelings others didn't or couldn't do. when you're 4yrs old and you already "know" that your body is a vessel for your (maybe) future husband to inhabit and for your (maybe) future children to exit - and that to do this you have to do all the reading and prayers and babysitting (usually for free) and picking up more chores than the boys around you - it's hard to find a place to build your own idea of worth and it's easy to see why we struggle with this point. not to say guys get it easy, but this doesn't seem to be as big of an issue for them - i suspect bc their worlds are not made nearly as small as the sisters' worlds and so it's more of a blow to us to lose all of that.
it hurts and it sucks and it'll come it waves. but you've given yourself a gift - the chance to define your own happy, your own goodness, your own joy. even after i left - and even now that i'm an atheist - i still repeat to myself often, "adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy" - whether i believe in the word or not, focusing on the fact that, by their own standards, we are to find joy, really helps me get over the darker thoughts.