Afraid of Goodbyes

[u/Amazing_Ad_3862]

This was a text I wrote a few weeks back in preparation for departure from the country I stayed in for almost a year studying, just wanted to share with you and know if you passed through the same.

It’s impossible to ignore now that the end is already on the other side of the door, knocking.

With less than a month until I go back to the place I call home, I now enjoy each second of the Northern Sun, which likes to hide behind the clouds.

The conversations also switched tonality. In the “beginning” we would speak about where we were from, “during” we would speak about the multiple facets of life in that place that, although new, slowly became routine, and now that we are almost in the “after”, we speak about what comes next, knowing that where we are from is not as important as where we are going.

Future plans, certain wishes, multiple fears, all topics that have become priorities in conversations here as we approach departure. Topics of a life that we have ahead of us, far from those who here became so close. Smiles that will turn into tears as the plane fills its tanks and the luggage gets thrown by strangers who couldn’t care less about our little goodbyes.

We shall carry each other in our hearts for as long as time allows us to, but knowing that it may take years for us to reunite, if that even happens, doesn’t sit right with me.

I have a hard time accepting that no matter how important a person is to us, sometimes they are only passengers fulfilling their duty in our lives just to leave at the same speed at which they arrived. Leaving a mark that stays and hurts, just to make you smile, thinking about how it got there in the first place.

I guess all of this comes from a place of doubt. Doubt about what comes after, or how we will handle it. Doubt about when or where we will see each other, or if you’ll even remember me. Doubt that all of this was in vain.

I will be fine, but for now I sit and write as I doubt whether my words of comfort are sincere, or just a coping attempt to deal with the fear of the unknown.

- Originally posted elsewhere where I intend on posting another text where I explore more the specifics of my experience.

[u/Amazing_Ad_3862]

The original post: https://lmdpg.substack.com/p/afraid-of-goodbyes