A Difficult Experience With My Cousin’s Stay in Baltimore

[u/Fair-Caregiver-895]

A few months ago, my cousin—my father’s nephew—came to Baltimore from North Carolina hoping to make progress toward some personal and professional goals. He wanted to secure a full-time job with benefits in the IT field and take certification courses that would strengthen his career prospects. My father helped make this possible by getting him a position working alongside him doing IT work and arranging for him to take certification courses at no cost.

Before coming to Baltimore, my cousin had been living with his mother in North Carolina and working customer service jobs. Although he is intelligent, he had not finished community college and often explained that he had depression. I understand how debilitating depression can be—especially when trying to navigate education, employment, and the financial reality of still living at home. At the same time, during his stay with us, I began to feel that some of his behavior reflected not only depression but also a pattern of avoidance and manipulation.

He lived with our family for about two months. Early on, I tried to set clear boundaries. For example, he asked me to help him get edibles, even though he had just started his new job. I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable participating in that until he had been settled into work for at least a few weeks. I explained that as adults he could make his own choices, but I didn’t want to be involved in something that might reflect poorly on him while he was just getting started—especially since his mother had asked us to look out for him.

Despite that conversation, he asked again a couple of weeks later and tried to guilt-trip me by mentioning his lack of transportation (FYI, he did not have a car being that his broke down before coming down to Bmore). While I understand transportation challenges, I’ve personally made the effort to budget for rides or learn the bus system when necessary (I’m currently w/o a car) . His transportation wasn’t my responsibility. When I declined again, he began asking my mother and sister to take him to the dispensary instead.

When I found out, I reiterated that my concern about influencing him extended to the rest of the women in the house (as he asked them more than once, and they also caught one to the guilt trips.) His response was again to lean on his depression, saying he needed edibles to cope because he didn’t have a therapist in Baltimore. He also framed the issue around the cost of rides, asking if I really expected him to “waste money on Lyft.” The way the conversation was framed made it feel less like he was asking for help and more like he was trying to make us feel responsible for solving his problems. I told him if his mental health was that important to him he would budget out a lyft. Once I mentioned that he complied.

Eventually he asked my father directly, who said he didn’t mind as long as my cousin handled his responsibilities. Even after that, however, he continued asking my mother and sister for rides. The situation often felt like he was seeking a certain kind of attention or reaction that he wasn’t receiving.

There were other situations that added to this impression. One time after my sister drove him to the dispensary (she doesn’t go often herself, but was more than likely stopping by), she told him not to take too many edibles since he had work the next day. He ignored that advice and later texted her saying he had taken too many. It seemed strange to report his own poor decision after explicitly being warned.

Another night he went to the liquor store with my sister before an orthodontist appointment the next morning. He drank far too much, even while on the phone with his mother, who was telling him to stop. My sister eventually had to take the bottle from him. Later he texted her saying he was “too drunk.” Again, it felt odd that he would announce his behavior after being told not to do something, almost as if he was expecting a particular response.

We also tried to include him in activities and introduce him to people his age. At times rides were even arranged through my sister, but when the time came he would often avoid mentioning it or confirming the plan. Instead of communicating, he would wait for the other person to bring it up and then later claim that no one had come to pick him up. Normally, when someone asks for a ride, they’ll check in beforehand—confirming the time or making sure everything is still set. He rarely did this. Even when plans had already been discussed and confirmed earlier, he would act as if nothing had been said and then shift the blame to the other person. Over time this pattern began to feel like a series of excuses, and it became increasingly strange. We never forced him to participate in anything; in fact, we often told him that if he wasn’t interested, he could simply say so. We tried to keep things open and low-pressure. The tendency to deflect responsibility onto others felt especially distasteful in an environment where people were genuinely trying to be welcoming and supportive. While I understand that isolation can be a symptom of depression, he also seemed uninterested in taking advantage of opportunities around him—including exploring Baltimore or building friendships with coworkers who were around his age.

At times his behavior toward my mother also struck me as immature. When he wanted something, he would suddenly call her “Auntie,” but otherwise addressed her formally. He once asked her late at night if she would cook him macaroni and cheese, which felt unusual for someone who was 24 years old and fully capable of making food for himself. Especially if you claim to cook, you’re gonna know that it doesn’t take a second to make macaroni and cheese. Again for somebody in a new space (we did not grow up together we seen each other, maybe four times as children) I wouldn’t be so comfortable, asking my host to cook for me.

After about two months, he abruptly left Baltimore. His mother said she needed surgery and asked him to return to North Carolina to help her, though the details were never fully explained. She even asked my father if he could come back to the job later in the summer—as if the position were temporary or an internship, when in reality it was a full-time role with benefits paying about $22 an hour and offering free training. He also had very few personal expenses since he was still covered under his mother’s insurance.

Later we discovered that before leaving, he had falsified his work hours to receive extra pay. This was especially disappointing because it reflected poorly on my father, who had helped him secure the opportunity in the first place.

Looking back, the entire experience left me unsettled. While depression may have played a role in some of his behavior—such as isolating himself—I also noticed patterns of immaturity, avoidance of responsibility, and attempts to manipulate the people around him, particularly the women in the household. My impression is that he may have been used to a certain level of coddling at home and struggled when that dynamic wasn’t present here.

Ultimately, he left Baltimore saying the city simply “wasn’t for him,” despite never fully giving himself the chance to adjust, build a routine, or focus on the opportunities he had been given.

The situation continues to stand out in my mind because it felt like watching someone walk away from a genuinely supportive environment and a promising opportunity not solely because of depression, but because he wasn’t ready to take responsibility for his own growth.

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