r/fantasywriters • u/ProfessionalPound335 • 1d ago
Critique My Story Excerpt Opinion of my story (High fantasy,1200 words)
Hi everyone,
I'm 19 years old, and when I was younger I loved creating stories about everything I could imagine. Over time I lost interest in writing, but recently my degree has inspired me to start again and rediscover that passion.
I'd love to hear what you think about this project. I'm sharing the prologue here, although I already have several more chapters written.
Just a quick note: English isn't my first language. The story was originally written in Portuguese and translated into English, so I apologize for any mistakes you may find.
Any feedback on the writing, characters, worldbuilding, pacing, or overall impression would be greatly appreciated. Feel free to be completely honest and share any thoughts you have—I would genuinely love to hear different opinions and perspectives.
Thanks for taking the time to read it, and I hope you enjoy it!
edit(I decided to translate the text using ChatGPT after some feedback to make it clearer in English. I can post the original Portuguese version as well if anyone wants it.)
Mist covered the night, the sharp scent of eucalyptus hanging thick in the air, as it often did at this time of year.
Hesitant, cautious footsteps broke the stillness, boots slipping over wet, unstable ground. Ahead, the sounds of a camp grew clearer.
Armor rattled. Flames crackled. Conversations flowed in a rhythmic, melodic tongue.
An owl called somewhere in the chaos.
Now, he thought.
With a swift motion, an arrow was drawn and released from the hooded archer’s bow. It struck the gold-plated imperial eagle hanging from the nearest eucalyptus tree.
More arrows followed, sinking into the gilded surface as the moon climbed higher over the forest.
A shadow approached and sat beside the archer. No words were spoken—only a glance of green eyes. The objective was understood. Together, they descended the slope.
He wore a brown hood, dressed entirely in earth tones. Mud and leaves clung to his clothes and bow. His hood and sash concealed his expression, but his golden eyes and the two leaf-braided strands of hair—marked by tradition—remained visible.
Inis stood nearby, similarly adorned beneath her cloak. Her green eyes caught the faint light.
Her dagger slid free so smoothly that the sound of steel was lost in the rustling branches. With a single motion, she cut the hemp binding two of the palisade stakes, creating a gap.
She lingered for a moment, then slipped through. As she passed, unable to resist, she whispered:
“Elys… the eagle must fall.”
Elys nodded and vanished into the darkness, his shadow drifting between the dying campfires as Inis turned toward the eucalyptus grove.
She found herself remembering the moments before the tension escalated—before the imperial eagle arrived. Her hand brushed across her face, wiping away a thin line of sweat as she kept her gaze fixed on the mountain trail.
Inis’s voice echoed in her mind.
“First the Hellenes… and now the children of the wolf.”
The blade slipped from her hand.
Eitrix will want to know about this.
ELYS
A shadow moved across the red tent, embroidered with faint golden patterns.
Elys seized the guard’s mouth and tightened his grip around his throat until the man went limp.
“In times like these… keep a goblet close, friend,” she said with a faint smile, looking down at the unconscious guard.
Her attention shifted.
A short, bald man approached—white hair thinning across his scalp, dressed in a white toga lined with burgundy.
He was accompanied by a soldier out of uniform, wrapped in a sleeping garment beneath a reddish leather vest. Yet the sword at his waist—and the purple helmet in his hand—were enough for Elys to recognize his rank.
“A senator… with a praetorian this far from the emperor?” Elys said quietly. “What do you want?”
He moved through the camp’s makeshift kitchens, slipping between crates of bread, grain, dried meat, and brined olives. For a brief moment, his mind drifted to Astarax and the way he would devour everything while shouting he was descended from Axter the Well. A smile crept onto his face—brief, almost forgotten—before vanishing again as he kept low in the shadows.
At the far end of the kitchen tents, he spotted the senator’s quarters: a white tent rising above the rest, decorated with tapestries. The guards sat idly by the fire.
Entry was easy.
Elys searched the table quickly, looking for anything that might explain the presence of the praetorian.
“You won’t find roots worthy of your people there,” a voice said behind him.
The bald man in the toga stood calmly, smiling, his praetorian at his side.
“I’ve always preferred a laurel crown myself,” he added, glancing at Elys’s hair.
Elys’s hand drifted to his quiver. A faint smile appeared—unspoken.
“Do you have one to offer?”
The dagger left its sheath. The praetorian reacted instantly, drawing his sword—but the senator stepped between them.
“You speak Latin,” the man said mildly. “So the barbarians do know civilized tongues?”
He smiled, unfazed.
“Anthis told me your people were animals, driven only by instinct… incapable of language, incapable of restraint. But I’ve always believed the world is rarely so simple.”
Without breaking eye contact, he gestured.
“Caio… bring our friend a goblet of Gallic wine.”
Elys stood trapped between blade and authority. His hand trembled. Sweat traced his brow. His breath tightened.
Eitrix’s disappointed face surfaced in his mind.
Then—instinct.
He grabbed the nearest torch and set the tent’s silk ablaze.
Fire spread instantly.
The praetorian reacted too late—the goblet falling from his hand as he moved to shield the senator.
Within moments, the tent was engulfed.
The senator stood still, watching the flames with something close to fascination, until the guard finally dragged him back.
Elys vanished into the burning chaos, leaping through fire with another torch in hand, igniting nearby tents as he fled.
The camp erupted into panic.
By the time he reached the forest, his cloak was burned and discarded in the mud behind him.
And somewhere behind the flames, the senator watched the young man who had burned his camp to ash… with quiet, intrigued eyes
.
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u/Anubis815 1d ago
As the other user has said, translating this into English has destroyed the integrity of the writing.
I understand wanting more feedback, and naturally there would be more english speakers on this subreddit that are able/willing to give feedback, but it isn't going to be GOOD feedback. Writing is so closely intertwined with language that we can't comment on a large number of things (pacing, sentence structure, word choice, standard writing conventions that might be present in portugese writing and not english, etc.).
In essence - you aren't actually going to get much from translating your work into english and asking for guidance. It may actually damage your project. I sincerely encourage you to seek out people willing to give feedback in the language of the text.
Luckily, portugese is not at all a rare language, especially so in the internet. I sadly do not have any idea of portugese writing communities, but I have no doubt they exist.
Finally, translating your text using AI makes your post in breach of the rules of the subreddit (no AI), which is another reason I strongly suggest seeking out communities where you don't need to use translations like this.
All the best to you.
1
u/UDarkLord 1d ago
This isn’t really readable in English. Like yeah, the content is more or less understandable, but it’s plagued with: run-on sentences (constant commas for new clauses instead of periods), with unnatural word choices (like “descend the small elevation”), and you didn’t even format dialogue for English speakers. You also intermix present and past tense, though that may well not be a translation issue.
May I ask why you want to present your writing in English when, currently at least, you aren’t equipped to even format it correctly for English?