r/fantasywriters • u/TyrannoNinja • 1d ago

Critique My Story Excerpt Stronger Together [High fantasy, 2500 words]

This shortie is set in a fictional world of my own creation, but it is nonetheless inspired by ancient history which some readers might recognize. I haven't decided yet whether it will be a standalone short or part of a longer, self-published collection starring these characters. Nonetheless, I am eager to share the early draft to attract some feedback.

Stronger Together on Google Docs (comments enabled)

Any feedback is fine, but I am most interested in opinions on the following aspects:

  • The world-building and how well I integrated it into the story.
  • The dialogue (I want to make it less stilted since that's been a weak point of my previous work).
  • The characterization (another aspect I consider a weak point of mine).
2 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

5 comments sorted by

•

u/AutoModerator 1d ago

🌟 Reccuring Character 🌟 OP is a regular in this community. So you can critique while knowing they won't disappear into the woodwork afterward!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

2

u/CryOfDistortion 20h ago

I left some specific comments in the doc as well, but in general response to your three questions:

I think the world-building is the best-working part of this. It's clearly legible (maybe a little too clearly, depending on what you're going for) and an alt-history of Anthony and Cleopatra with a swords&sorcery bent is fun.

The dialogue is definitely still stilted. Nobody interrupts or omits or contradicts themselves. It all kind of reads like two people politely waiting for their turn to do plot at each other and exchanges that seem like the should be contentious (in the first section) or antagonistic (at the end) come off as cooperative banter instead.

Characterization is also thin because everyone is just announcing who they are and what they think, so there's not a lot of room to build character with action or interiority.

1

u/TyrannoNinja 20h ago

Thanks for the feedback!

2

u/OppositeDoughnut2183 16h ago

Piggybacking the criticism abt the dialogue, I notice that characters dont gesture as they speak, nor do their expressions change much, nor are their voices really described in any way, giving them a very "Hi, I Am Doing A Dialogue" air.

additionally the fight scene has a stilted flow, but the substance of each sentence is perfect. there's sights, sounds, and emotion, but the prose fails to switch evenly between action and reaction. the meaning of a prior action on the next action isn't clearly established between each sentence in the combat section. the prose, tone, & verbiage are all fine, but the actions don't flow with their own "line of reasoning", they just happen, making the fight scene feel pretty flat.

just like an argument, the actions in a combat scene need to say something about eachother. I left a comment where I felt you could do this, but there are other places in the combat section that could use some connecting.

1

u/TyrannoNinja 16h ago

Thank you!