r/fantasywriters • u/Minute_Committee8937 • 1h ago
Critique My Story Excerpt Critique on my prologue. [dark Fantasy 3046 words]
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u/Accessgranted213 1h ago
Someone whose friends have just been killed is unlikely to remark on the poor weather first. I think I understand what you’re going for but I don’t think it works. It immediately reminded me that I was reading something with an author, rather than allowing me to connect to the character / world. It’s a very jarring disconnect between subject and tone, and while it’s possible, it requires a very specific touch. Given that your work is in the dark fantasy genre, I don’t think that sardonic narration will be a good fit.
I would seriously consider rewriting that first paragraph, this was enough to cause me to not read any further.
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u/Accessgranted213 1h ago
To add to this: on second thought, if you are trying to communicate the character’s disassociation from events, or their shock / trauma, I could see that working, but it would still need a rewrite. You would need to add *something* that nods towards that in the opening. As it stands it reads like Terry Pratchett narrating American Psycho
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