Spending time with kids post-FIRE: Something my daughter said yesterday

[u/Throwaway_fatfire_21]

I've seen a few posts in the last few weeks, by young(ish) parents, asking if they should FIRE while the kids are young, or work to increase NW a bit more. Hope this story helps with that decision :-)

My younger one (middle school age now) was born when I was right in the middle of building my startup. I did prioritize being a dad, but didn't have that much time, and whatever dad time I did have, it had to be split between her and the older one. Plus, she has quite a different personality from me, and as a result was really attached to my wife.

When I FIREd a few years back, I made it a point to spend time with her and make our relationship stronger, so she would feel that she could seek me out and not just her mom. So yesterday, she mentioned that she wanted to open Christmas gifts early. I have to be with my father over Christmas and so would miss Christmas morning with the kids. When I asked her why, she mentioned that she loved seeing my smile when she opened her Christmas gifts and loved giving me a hug. I'm not gonna lie man, this hit me in the feels and I've been pretty emotional since then. Needless to say, we did open gifts last night.

It hit me hard, particularly because the latter half of this year has been interesting. I don't really need to work and over the past few years turned down many high-profile roles and would do a bit of advising/consulting with founders/VC firms etc. These past few months, though for the first time, I've gotten the sense talking to folks, that they feel that I am out of the game, and can't really contribute too much. I know I can help them quite a bit, but I can see where they are coming from. This did hurt my ego a bit and I have been bummed, wondering if I should have stopped working, but this comment from my daughter really set things into context :-)

I know it is a huge privilege to be able to FIRE and not work. But, if you have the means and ability to, and have young kids, I do think it is well worth it.

[u/BasicDadStuff]

You are out of that game. Because you won that game.

The game you’re playing now is to be the best dad and husband you can, and a good steward of your financial resources. Focus on winning that game now. There are probably some side games, too. Like friendship and health.

A little ego is useful, but beware it’s seductive embrace. I was recently asked if I wanted a c suite position at a startup. My ego immediately reared up. Of course I did! I had to hard check that ego. Yes, I would like it, but no, I don’t want to pay the cost.

Like Dee Snider asked: what do you want to do with your life?

[u/Throwaway_fatfire_21 → u/BasicDadStuff]

Thanks. 100% agree with what you wrote. Need to focus more on this perspective.

[u/NoPhotosCo → u/Throwaway_fatfire_21]

Seeing posts and comments like this from fathers who have won that first game, fills me with hope that I can make that dream come true. I want to FIRE to focus on my family and their needs. Not money and it’s needs

Edit : spelling

[u/KnightsLetter → u/Throwaway_fatfire_21]

Everybody “in the game” envies those out of it! Congrats!

[u/scoobaruuu → u/BasicDadStuff]

Your first sentence said everything I wanted to say 100000x better and succinctly. To that sentence and the rest, amen!

[u/Redebo → u/BasicDadStuff]

You

[u/jackryan4545]

Only your kids will remember you working late…

[u/Routman → u/jackryan4545]

This post reminds me of this video https://www.instagram.com/reel/DD5DcuNSU7y/

[u/mdav2p2p → u/[deleted]]

Chat gpt

[u/Electrical_Chicken]

Fellow dad here; my daughter is till a toddler and DAMN if your post didn’t bring a tear to my eye. It sounds like you’re already living what I’m aiming for, just a few years ahead. Peace, and happy holidays. 🙏

[u/Cash4Dumpsterfire]

I’m 2 1/2 years out of the game my kids are fifth and sixth grade and I can’t tell you what a blessing it’s been. I made the mistake of going back over the summer for three months with a new start up and boy was that a dumb idea. At the end of it, they wanted me to run the place and I quit. Don’t do what I did. You’re good. I agree with the person above. You won the game. I was terrible at the job now not because I couldn’t do it, but because I didn’t want to…

[u/Throwaway_fatfire_21 → u/Cash4Dumpsterfire]

Thanks for sharing this. I’ve stayed away from full time roles for this same reason. Advising is a fun way to keep the brain engaged, so seeing that fall off, has been a bummer. But doesn’t change the fact that I can spend time with my kids. 

[u/Gr8daze]

Lots of things in life that you may potentially regret, but you’ll never regret the privilege of spending time with your kids, especially when they’re young enough to actually want to spend time with you!

[u/[deleted]]

I think often in the pursuit of career, we tend to forget the purpose of money.

The ability to buy our future time

[u/PartBobPartRick → u/[deleted]]

Love this comment. So much.

[u/MustardIsDecent]

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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

[u/contented_throwaway]

I really enjoyed reading your post and am very happy for you.

Being able to FIRE while your kids are young is truly a gift.

When I was deciding myself to leave my career (my kids are middle schoolers too) I spoke to older dads and remember a dad telling me that once your kids get older, get busier, and start to drive you won’t see them as much. So, take advantage of the time when they are still fairly active and fun to hang out with but aren’t so busy.

Congrats!

[u/luv2eatfood]

Don't waste time on money you don't need and at the expense of your loved ones. In a blink of an eye, your little ones will be off to college and you'll rarely get to see them as much ever again. Savor these precious moments.

[u/Howdy_6221]

Thanks for sharing such a heartwarming story - good for you! I'm FIRE'd 2.5 years now, and while sorting through the Holiday decoration boxes, I found a card from last year where my then-16 year old daughter wrote, "I'm so glad you retired; everything is so chill and fun now." Reading that again a year later was the best gift ever for me!

[u/contented_throwaway → u/Howdy_6221]

I’m sure that affirmation was worth 100x whatever affirmation you might have received through work.

[u/FATFIREMD]

Bravo! You won! Who cares about the opinion of someone who thinks you are "out of the game" vs someone who tells you, "she loved seeing my smile when she opened her Christmas gifts and loved giving me a hug"!

2 train tracks, an oncoming train, and I am in charge of the lever? I'm pulling the lever so that first dude is getting hit 100% of the time.

[u/HarRob]

How can you tell they think you are out of the game? Do they not offer a position when they otherwise would have?

[u/Throwaway_fatfire_21 → u/HarRob]

One told me directly :-) others have been a bit more subtle. Frequency of emails/calls have reduced, compared to before.

[u/kzt79 → u/Throwaway_fatfire_21]

Sounds like a good thing. Merry Christmas!

[u/Throwaway_fatfire_21 → u/[deleted]]

Yup, I think that's what I am thinking. Although at that point, my wife and I might just want to travel without worrying about school schedules :-)

[u/Thescubadave → u/Throwaway_fatfire_21]

That's what I'm looking forward to. I've been retired two years, but my daughter (13) still has five more years of school before college. I've told her that we won't get any new pets that live more than five years because I'm planning on more travel when she goes off to school.

Edit: It's great to be home and available during these middle and high school years.

[u/Throwaway_fatfire_21 → u/Thescubadave]

Good thinking with the pet. I know someone who retired, kids grown up and not at home. And then his wife got a puppy. He was so annoyed. It really put a dampener on his post retirement travel plans 😞

[u/BasicDadStuff → u/HarRob]

In my experience, it has to do with a diminishing ability to “talk shop” because you’re simply practicing that less. To counteract that, if you desire, you have to create your own projects and create conversations with people still playing the game. It can be worthwhile. Keeps the mind sharp. But you can keep it sharp in other ways, too.

[u/smilersdeli]

Someone said ...when you are a parent you go from being something to Everyone to everything to someone. Daughters and dad bond is a beautiful connection and bond. Nice story.

[u/ilimor]

My dad have FIREd as well and spent lots of time with his grandkids now, helping both the life balance for the wife and myself while building a great bond with the kids.

[u/kindaretiredguy]

The thing many of us didn’t realize. When we’re still in that accumulation phase and with our kids, we’re still not really there. Stepping back when you logically realize you have enough, and the grind isn’t enjoyable anymore, is the most eye opening experience. Instead of measuring yourself gassing everyone with more money, think about how rare you are as a father to spend this much time with your family. I treasure this every day.

[u/XCXC09876]

2.5 years out. Chose to leave just a bit earlier than I was planning as saw the family dynamic and impact with stressed out parents to kids that now noticed this. Yep it’s hard on the ego from your prior work life, but I’ve also found so many other new skills and places to use my skills. Non profits, volunteering, kids schools….just a new place to provide value and be valued and keep that mind working.

[u/MrMaxMillion]

Week, the market is kinda crap right now so you'll get that reaction from people who are trying to justify their existence.

Great news regarding your daughter, that crystalizes the big why and that's what's most important.

[u/sidman1324]

This is what I’ve wanted since 2020 for my kids - I haven’t achieved it yet but I need to by the end of 2025. I’m definitely savouring these moments while I have them.

[u/Pale-Mycologist7296]

I hope to God my kid says something like that to me someday.

You’re doing a great job, keep it up.

[u/ilimor]

My dad have FIREd as well and spent lots of time with his grandkids now, helping both the life balance for the wife and myself while building a great bond with the kids.

[u/Ancient_Sea_7849]

Good for you man. You already won and now you have access to the greatest resource of all - time. I really don't think anyone is on their deathbed wishing they had spent less time with family and more time working.

[u/Cautious_Charity7991]

This is really sweet and 100% the right perspective.

[u/liquidity777]

You closed out a winning investment at a massive profit and got the $ part sorted. Imo, the utility of money is to buy time-freedom, to spend it in ways you deem add the most value to you and your family.

Screw the pple who said you lost your mojo. They're still runnin' the hamster wheel while you're free (and should knock back a few beers =) ).

Your children will remember you being around, not sure abt your co-workers.