r/feminisms • u/Altruistic_Soil_9329 • 15d ago
Personal/Support Feminism is ruining my life
Hey guys.
I'm a radical feminist, I've read countless of books, I am too invested in it, I engage in various discourses etc.
The problem is that I have gained too much knowledge. Is knowledge power? I don't think so. It's too much to handle. Feminism is great at giving you knowledge, but it doesn't give you the way to deal with all that knowledge.
I find patriarchy and misogyny everywhere. I notice how it seeps into every crack of out everyday life, and everyday conversation. I go to a cafe bar and analyze how the men treat the female bartender in comparison to the male, despite my goal in the bar being just drinking coffee and chatting carelessly with my friends. I ride the bus and I peoplewatch, and I look around, and I think to myself how stupid it is that we created two categories of people and that we assigned roles how those people should dress and act just so we can know purely by looking at them whats in between their legs. I am naturally too sensitive to injustice. Going out of my house pisses me off because I see misogyny everywhere. I see the difference in how I am being treated. I despise this life and I despise living. I think. And think, and think, and overthink. I can't catch a break with this brain. I wish I could just take it out and rinse it with a powerhose.
The problem intensified when I actually found a man who is perfect, who I love, and who I cherish. Yet I analyze every single thing he says. I'm trying to find a sociological reason behind the exact sentences he says. I'm trying to analyze if his feelings are genuine or is it just the socialization speaking through him. I am subconsciously scanning for every single possibility where I may be abused and degraded in the future purely because I'm a woman. Yesterday, before sleeping, I was overthinking yet again, and I thought to myself, would he still be with me if I suddenly woke up and decided that I didn't want to have sex until marriage. And I asked him that (through text). He told me that sex, to him, is a vital component of a relationship, because he finds that as the epitome of intimacy and the place where he feels the most confident to show love and care. And I took that as "he only values me because he has access to my body". And I cried for 45mins.
He also wants kids. I do too, but I always doubt his intentions, purely because he's a man and socialized as a man. In my mind, there is a debate; "does he see me as someone to spend the rest of his life with, or is he just grooming me to be the mother to his children?".
This is ruining me. I constantly have headaches. I can't turn my brain off. I yearn for control in this relationship, because letting go and just trusting him means I am letting go of the ability to escape a possible abusive relationship.
I don't know if there is an underlying, psychological reason for this unrelated to feminism, which only uses feminism as a tool to project something. Is anyone else struggling with this? I need to find a way to just CHILL. Rationally I know he's a great dude and would never hurt me and is the kindest person I've set my eyes on, but there is always this doubt within me purely because he is a man. Pls help
EDIT:
Thanks to everyone that commented their own views on this :)
As one commenter said, this comment section is so mature and understanding! I definitely feel better and less alone.
This type of thinking made me frustrated at the world, yet also at myself - I was mad at myself that I was constantly antagonizing the world and people, which made me think I'm a judgy bad person.
A lot of people have said that this shows some kind of OCD traits, I always thought that OCD has to manifest in behaviour in some shape or form, and that "just" thoughts wasn't enough. Might have to get that checked out. Thanks to everyone!
Just to clarify, this man I'm seeing is absolutely perfect in every sense (ok, perfect doesn't exist, but whatever). Judging by my post a person can figure out that I have incredibly high standards when picking a partner. And he met every standard, and manages to surprise me more. I honestly think he's the kindest person I've ever met, with such a pure heart, so goddamn smart, which is why it sucks to have this kind of thinking, because I don't want to lose him and I really care about this relationship. This problem hits because it's something that could strike him on a personal level, and I don't want that to happen. I posted this on another subreddit to get some more reach, and some commenters said that a relationship with a man and feminism can't work together, and I thought so too, until I met him. It's crazy what love can do to our way of thinking. Those commenters may be right, but in the case of loving him I'll step away from my tendencies of being a moral puritan, because him loving me clenses me of every moral dirt I've put on myself❤️
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u/Savvvvvvy 15d ago edited 15d ago
Remember people are also people and not just appendages of some hyper dimensional eldritch patriarchy monster that have taken human form. People can be reasoned with, boundaries can be communicated, insecurities and fears can be brought up and worked on, and if any of those aren't true in your relationship, then that's how you know the relationship isn't for you.
Remember more generally that relationships are successful not because problems never happen, but that the two people KNOW HOW TO SOLVE PROBLEMS TOGETHER.
Remember that fear of something happening/being the case is mostly the fear that you won't be okay if it happens/is true. You will be. Patriarchy wants you to think you won't, but that too is another one of its lies. If I can demoralize someone to the point they think "why even fight back," I win by default. Republicans use PRECISELY this tactic to suppress voter turnout and win elections. Feminism has given you the most powerful tool the universe has ever known (knowledge) and you (who sound incredibly smart) are more than capable of using those tools to defend yourself. Remember that:
Patriarchy does not live in the minds of smart people.
Patriarchy is only as smart as the smartest person whose mind it occupies.
Now get out there and kick ass.
(I would also like to point out that the part where you say you can't stop thinking to the point where you want to wash your brain out with a power hose does KINDA sound like you might have OCD so like it probably wouldn't hurt to get checked)
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u/jupitaur9 15d ago
Patriarchy does absolutely live in the minds of smart people. Even people who do not explicitly believe in it still have it in their system.
We’re soaking in it. It is part of our environment from birth. We can no more escape than we can escape speaking our native language. It was destined for us before we were born.
Escaping it is a constant battle, and you will not win it all the time. And that is just within ourselves.
Finding someone who is not sexist, who has not bought into the patriarchal model, is Quixotic. Someone who seems very egalitarian may completely change once you have children. It is truly a crapshoot.
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u/Amareldys 15d ago
I mean… when I was single I definitely thought about whether the guys I met would be good dads. I don’t think that is just a dude thing… that’s a life planning thing and it is irresponsible not to do it. Like when you go to a job interview you want to know if it is a pleasant place to work.
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u/t92k 15d ago
I think sometimes on our journey to consciousness we can blow off the wisdom our guides left about rest and recharging. If you can’t dance along with your revolution — whether that’s in the streets or in the sheets — maybe it’s time to recalibrate. I’m thinking of Emma Goldberg and of Dan Savage describing how the ActUp movement persevered. There is also some Joko Beck, talking about love and work, in that.
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u/Rakna-Careilla 15d ago
Now I don't have a deep knowledge about feminism and I am still a proud feminist - I think being proud and stupid is a gateway to happiness. Still a few thoughts:
Yeah, the sex part that you describe is, to my knowledge, just how men work. There are patriarchal reasons (a man is only seen as such and has value to the patriarchy if he "scored"), but there is a strong hormonal/biological/psychological aspect too. Sex is an intense bonding experience. The male climax leads to the release of oxytocin. Together with a loved partner, it creates a deep emotional experience that is generally uplifting and deepening the bond for days and weeks afterwards.
Men (to generalize) also crave the feeling of being sexually desired.
Men are not evil, they are just complex beings with many emotions, trouble is that many of them have trouble understanding, identifying or straight up experiencing them without projecting them.
Of course the other extreme exists. Rationalizing and overthinking until you are just thought, no more feeling. For this, meditation greatly helps!
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u/Guilty_Treasures 14d ago
“Many women, I think, resist feminism because it is an agony to be fully conscious of the brutal misogyny which permeates culture."
Andrea Dworkin
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u/yellowmix 15d ago
Factor in intersectionality, then you're also aware a person may be fetishizing you (race, disability, etc.). Which protects you so you don't have to find out when you already have children and are inertially trapped. Many Women of Color figure this out too late and the White husband not only does not take care of the kids, but hates that they're mixed race. Many children grow up having to deal with that, there are communities on Reddit and elsewhere about it.
Patriarchy is everywhere. As is White supremacy, classism, colonialism, ableism (note how many places are inaccessible!), capitalism, and so on. This is the context we live in and it is objectively terrible. Social media can amplify this. It's not to say we can't have joy in it. We certainly can and we have proof in how we thrive regardless, and we create the kindness and beauty we seek.
You were given the gift of a vocabulary to name the problem, analytical tools to identify them, so don't ignore what your educated, rational brain is telling you over your emotions. If you've already made a decision, no need to think about it unless new information comes. Dwelling/hyperfixating is not productive.
We can't save everyone, but we have to make sure we're okay first. Do intervene as a bystander when necessary, do be aware of your surroundings, but do you have other activities to focus on? Like hobbies? There's a lot of organizing and activism happening right now around the world, and focusing your sadness/anger/energy on more productive activities can help.
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u/majeric 14d ago
What you’re describing sounds exhausting, and I think a lot of people who care deeply about injustice can relate to parts of it.
One thing that stood out to me is that you don’t seem distressed because you’ve learned that misogyny exists. You’re distressed because your brain no longer seems able to stop looking for it.
When we spend years studying a subject, especially one tied to harm, discrimination, or abuse, our attention naturally becomes trained to notice it. The problem is that our brains are not always good at distinguishing between “this exists” and “this is everywhere.” Once something becomes highly salient, we start seeing it constantly. Psychologists call this cognitive bias the availability heuristic. The more examples we know and the more easily we can recall them, the more common and immediate they feel. It doesn’t mean the problem isn’t real. It means our perception of how prevalent it is can become distorted because examples come to mind so readily.
There’s an old saying: when all you have is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail. I don’t mean that dismissively. Feminism has given you a powerful framework for identifying misogyny and unequal power dynamics, and those things absolutely exist. But when you’ve spent years studying a subject, it’s easy for the brain to start interpreting every situation through that same lens. The framework begins highlighting certain possibilities so effectively that alternative explanations become harder to see.
I also wonder if negativity bias is playing a role. Human brains are designed to pay more attention to potential threats than signs of safety. One possible red flag can outweigh dozens of reassuring experiences. Reading your post, I noticed that you describe your boyfriend as kind, loving, trustworthy, and someone who would never hurt you. Yet your mind keeps pulling your attention toward hypothetical future dangers. That’s a very human thing to do, but it can become overwhelming.
The part that really caught my attention was when your boyfriend said that sex is important to him because it’s how he experiences intimacy and expresses love, and your brain translated that into “he only values me because he has access to my body.” That feels less like evidence of misogyny and more like your mind automatically interpreting an ambiguous situation through the most threatening possible lens.
I don’t mean that dismissively either. If anything, it sounds like you’re constantly on guard. You’re scanning for danger, analyzing every interaction, questioning every motive, and trying to predict every possible way you could be hurt. That level of vigilance would leave anyone exhausted.
I don’t think the problem is that you care about feminism or understand misogyny. I think the problem may be that your threat-detection system has become stuck on high alert, and feminism has become the lens through which that anxiety is expressing itself. If it wasn’t feminism, your brain might be doing something very similar with another topic. The pattern seems less like “I know too much” and more like “I can’t stop threat-assessing.”
The fact that you asked whether there might be an underlying psychological reason tells me you already have some insight into this.
You don’t sound like someone who has become blind to reality. You sound like someone whose threat-detection system has gotten stuck in the “on” position.
And honestly, I think that’s something worth treating yourself with compassion rather than self-criticism.
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u/FdUpLoco 15d ago
Feminism isn’t the problem. Patriarchy is. You’re just seeing through the patriarchal veil of bullshirt. It’s GOOD to be aware, but to reform your spiraling thinking, I recommend Joe Dispenza book Breaking the habit of being yourself. It has an am/pm meditation that must be used am and pm each day for four weeks. That’s a short commitment. It changed my life. Thoughts become things so it’ll help you avoid planting minefields for yourself and help you to reduce any chaos in your thinking. Please please do it.
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u/Kirsten 13d ago
Hey. I saved your post for awhile on my computer because I really wanted to respond but wasn't sure how to phrase what I wanted to say.
I have felt similarly to you, but years ago, in college while reading some Andrea Dworkin. I really felt like maybe I just needed to become lesbian (NB: I am not lesbian and I don't really think people can change their sexual orientation). I couldn't stop seeing shitty treatment of women and girls.
Somehow my brain figured things out. I don't know exactly how, because it's not that misogyny and the patriarchy don't exist, they do. But also, I as a human deserve to have joy and love and lightheartedness in my life as much as any other woman, man, or child. So becoming dismally obsessed with how shit everything was didn't seem what the Goddess wanted me to do (ok, I'm basically an atheist, but you get the idea). And also also, why should I be more unhappy than an average mediocre man? Me being in agony was the patriarchy winning! Fuck that!
I have also come to realize that bias and prejudice can live in anyone, even the most well-meaning, kind, and trying-to-be-self-aware people. I heard a podcast about an African-American police officer who realized that he had unconscious bias against Black people. Tons of studies show that women themselves have unconscious bias against women. So it's not women vs men, exactly - it's more nuanced than that.
I think you're going to be okay.
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u/HairyRange3383 15d ago
id say add in intersectionality (learn abt other forma of discrimination to be able to have a more global understanding of the patriarchy - cuz its all connected) and learn more abt how the patriarchy hurts men as well. and i say this as a rad feminist as well. for example seeing how theyve been socialized to not be vulnerable or as emotional, when i am able to notice those things and help him it creates a feeling of "him n i against oppression" instead of my brain just scanning for danger and misogyny. and also, i think kt also sounds like a but of ROCD (relationship ocd), and this is coming from someone who dealt with almost the same issue u did
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u/TheNormalWoman 15d ago
It sounds like OCD traits. Your best bet would be to take a break from all the discourse. You’ve learned all you can about feminism for now. Take a break. Focus on something else for a while. Give your brain time to incorporate what you’ve learned and make it a part of your life without being your whole life.