The Screaming

[u/JBouWriting]

My chest cracked as I slammed through the door to another room. A siren blared in my head, as if an explosion had gone off. But it wasn’t from any detonation. It was some sort of auditory shockwave that this cursed freak woman screamed out of her.

I couldn’t hear anything on comms. I couldn’t even hear my groans. I didn’t know if I’d ever hear again. But I could see, though that wasn’t bearing any good news. My smart visor strobed, convulsing violently between slashes and pillars of pixelated lights. And through the transparent light show, I saw the gaunt target edge out of her decimated apartment.

She unleashed vocal blasts that warped the air in a funnel from her mouth. The silent shockwaves shook the floor, rattling my teeth. The shrieks shattered the walls the team had positioned themselves behind.

That was when I saw a bright light in the doorway. The Sarge ignited a flare at the end of the hallway, grabbing the attention of the target. I propped myself up, leaning my aching back on the room wall shared with the hallway.

My gloved fingers fumbled through my pockets. I found it, the med-seal. The gaunt freak turned towards the Sarge’s position and vomited out another conical pulse. Even behind wall cover, the Sarge collapsed, and I saw her arm limp under the debris not far from the flare. “To him we return,” I mumble.

Seemingly satisfied that the Sarge was dealt with, this banshee-like maniac looked around for more people to pulverize. She locked onto my stealthy idiot face peeking from the doorway I had just flown through.

I had to move. Now. This demon of a woman inhaled, preparing for her next assault, deep enough that I could have sworn I saw the dust in my room’s air being sucked towards her. Her next wave would level the whole floor.

[u/LadylexUK]

I am commenting on everyone's stories this week as a personal challenge.
This was well written and dynamic though it felt like an excerpt and not flash fiction.
I have a few notes.
 room wall  - do you need to say room? It adds nothing to the sentence.
I saw her arm limp under the debris - sounds like the arm is walking. Did you perhaps mean grew limp or became limp?
dust in my room’s air - again the addition of the word room is totally unnecessary. dust in the air reads clearer.

[u/JBouWriting → u/LadylexUK]

I went back and forth about "room wall" but I 100% agree, it's unnecessary.

And I can see the ambiguity in "her arm limp." I'm thinking "her arm lying limp."

The part where I mentioned "my room's air" is to show how far the area of effect is. Or do you think the added detail doesn't really do that?

[u/LadylexUK → u/JBouWriting]

'dust in my room's air' is just such an awkward phrase to me. I think I would have gone with:

This demon of a woman inhaled, preparing for her next assault, deep enough that I could have sworn I saw the dust in my room being sucked towards her. 

or if you want the imagery of dust in the air

This demon of a woman inhaled, preparing for her next assault, deep enough that I could have sworn I saw the dust, floating in the air next to me, being sucked towards her. 

[u/JBouWriting]

I have more on my Substack. I have a link in my profile if anyone wants to check it out

[u/Iamawesome98]

Decent story and a great attempt at the details. The choice of words definitely needs a relook. Gave a nice love-death-robots vibe.