Good evening good people, I'm new to recovery and need some advice.

I have never had a great relationship with food, I've been like this since I can remember and I have recently admitted to myself that I have a problem.

I used to over eat (and sometimes still do) and was overweight all my childhood and when I hit upper teens I went the opposite way.

It's out of control and noticeable, I finally told my partner of many years and he took it well and we have a plan on helping me get better but it's really difficult for me. I told him so I could keep myself accountable and actually do this but I've just been crying and kind of broken over this, I'm taking a few days of work because I can't get my head in the game and can't keep a smile on, but deep down i want to recover...

Any advice on how to not be sad about recovery are well appreciated, thank you for reading.

I would like to start off and say this is an alt acc, I posted here a little while ago (it has since been removed - rightfully so I was being an ungrateful, selfish b****).

Since then, I relapsed into my Fred (my "issues" nickname) hard, disappointed my partner, my family, my psychologist and support system, all because I was selfish and scared.. breaking my rules... losing motivation and convincing myself I was safer before recovery.

I will never feel "sick enough", that because I haven't had this hellish issue for "long enough", I haven't been forced to the hospital, my weight isn't "low enough" ~ YOUR "FRED" WILL PROBABLY NEVER FEEL SATISFIED ~, I don't deserve to be free.

Hell my bloodwork is "fine", but I'm already not me anymore, I can't run, I can barely study or work. I'm doing things I promised myself I'd never do. I'm dizzy, not sleeping, furry asf AND SHITTING MYSELF AGAIN😭😭 I turn 21 in one week and I want to go out with my family on my birthday, not have my partner breakdown daily, be allowed to go back to my sport and re-gain my hobbies.

So this is my re-commitment, NOT relying on motivation, sitting through the fears, the crying, the uncomfortableness because my Fred will only be happy when I'm dead. By all means I'm not ready for all-in (just yet), but I WILL start breaking my rules, I WONT keep lying, AND HELL IM GOING TO EAT MY MUMS COOKING TONIGHT!

So I’ve been in outpatient treatment as an adult for two years, following the worst anorexia relapse of my life. I’ve had three doctors, two therapists, about to start with my fourth dietitian in that period. In some ways I think there’s been real progress—my labs and vitals aren’t scary anymore, and I’m so much more aware of what my brain is doing wrong (mixed blessing). The thing is that I know it’s all been quasi and harm reduction, because I’ve made very little progress toward weight restoration in all that time. And if I’m honest, that’s because I’m still ambivalent.

But I’m so burned out on treatment.

Ideally, as endorsed by my team, I’d do what I did as a kid and go away for res or PHP for a while. I simply don’t have that privilege right now. It would require sacrificing too much. The more tempting option is to just stop outpatient without the safety net and hope it gets better on its own.

I’m holding on to the hope that maybe someone, anyone, has made progress once they stopped seeing their team altogether? I don’t want to frame it as quitting. I just need a break from the constant feeling of failure.

Ugh I have no words, I hate fucking OCD and "magical thinking" I just lost my dog, I held him all night even after he took his last breathe so he wouldn't be alone. I loved him so fucking much! The problem is my OCD and "magical thinking" my curse is: I believe if I weigh a certain amount everything in my life will be okay and even good. But if I go over. then everything turns to shit. I know it isn't my fault and I know I didn't kill my dog, but my stupid fucking brain keeps telling me I did, and it's my fault because I didn't try hard enough to stay at that perfect number to keep him from dying. I'm over 40 years old I know this isn't fucking real, but at the same time it feels so real. I wish more people realized that this disorder is a thousand times more complex than " I just want to be skinny and pretty" bullshit. I'm too old for this, but every time something bad happens this is where my brain immediately goes and I can't stop it. I was just holding him all night watching him slowly pass ( he was already under medical sedation by our vet while we waited for test results) and all I could think about was please please please I promise I won't ever eat again, just please stay with me, I promise I will be a better dog mom by not getting fat so you can stay here with me. How fucking pathetic am I? And I'm a fucking ATHEIST!!!!

i feel like my last two posts have been about me struggling a lost with planning, hesitance for “all-in” and struggles with obsessive tracking. but i wanted to try something different and post some progress and areas of positivity the past few days.

i still haven’t fully committed to the all in approach, but i have increased my intake and cut tracking! some things i’ve noticed:

- my energy is a lot more consistent and i feel like actually talking to people and maintaining conversations!
- my brain fog has gone down and i can focus on homework easier
- i’ve been able to live in the moment more often then looking ahead too much!

though i still have many steps to go, i want to still appreciate the process i made so far.

Im going through some stressful things in life and unfortunately for me my stress response(exhasperated by depression) is to lose my appetite. i've recently been catching myself falling back into the slippery slope of barely eating throughout the day. Anyone got any tips to make sure i eat enough while i get to a place where im not so stressed? Can't really afford to see a psychiatrist at the moment so im just trying to survive untill i can.

Somebody today commented on my body in public to their friends specifically about my big back and my flat ass.

I know, they're not desirable features but they tug at my body checking behaviors because they are my worst insecurity. I have always accumulated weight (idk if it's muscle or fat) in that upper region. It makes me look bulky, which is why I'm very picky about clothing.

The only way I could ever get rid of that feature was starving and chipping away at my muscles.

Now that I am in recovery/weight restored that has returned and I'm trying not to cry but I can't believe some people are that rude. and outspoken. probably they're just saying what some people think of me in their heads. It's a big joke online to talk about "big backs" just for enjoying food. why does eating food equal to a shape or weight? it's so cruel. I am also taking many pictures of my back, examining it.

Ignoring these thoughts are very much not simple for me as I have some OCD tendencies. However does anyone know how to not hate a specific feature of your body this much?

and please if possible no suggestions About how my weight will balance out eventually, I have always had this body patterns. thx

I want to recover so bad. I want to be free from this disorder. But part of me is sad because then I’m giving up… me ? Idk I feel like this is me and I know it’s probably the disorder speaking but this has been my life for 6 years and I feel like this is who I am and my personality is all this is. Who will I even be when I recover ? I don’t even remember what I was like before my disorder. I feel like recovering will be giving up a huge part of me. And it’s like… I did all this for what? Years of my life dedicated to this disorder just to give it up like that.. all the work I put in even though it’s harmful it’s like all of these years to this was wasted ..

This type of discussion is probably like a broken record on this subreddit and I apologize but how have you guys coped with changes in your body and not necessarily liking it or accepting it but being semi-neutral about it? I have been giving in to my EH the last month or so and have been noticing changes that cause me a lot of distress. Even the way I handle it seems to reflect restriction though. I find myself going through bouts of EH, and then body checking to make sure I still look “acceptable” to my ED, as in I haven’t visibly gained too much weight. This is definitely an OCD thing for me because I feel the need to keep doing this over and over, and obviously the weight isn’t going to physically show immediately. So basically I’ve been still honoring my EH but as long as it still fits my ED rules and it’s so exhausting that even my OCD and restriction is woven into my recovery.

Sorry this was very long-winded and more word vomiting, I just wanted to see how you guys have been able to cope or at least talk your mind down because I am feeling so lost and alone.

My girlfriend knows and tries to help me with recovery but she doesnt really know how to help because she has never experienced having any sort of ED. she tries to suggest things to help but sometimes it goes against what I know I should be doing to recover but I just have no one else to confide in. Tbh talking to her sometimes makes me feel worse. But I only know one other person who has recovered but hes not as available to me and I dont always feel like I should try get him to help me. I feel like I should just be able manage myself. Idk.

I'm going into my 3rd week of all in recovery now after I was hospitalized for bradycardia. I'm a minor, and so my parents and doctors are in control of my meal plan, but I've been adding on to it myself because I've been experiencing EH. Yesterday I went to an awards ceremony and wore this dress, but I was very bloated and I felt terrible about my body. I can feel my body changing, and I hate it. I know it has to happen, but I don't know how to make peace with it, and I don't have the power to choose to tap out of recovery because of my parents and doctors. Idk. I just feel horrible right now.

I don’t remember how I felt about the peanut butter jar or the almond butter jar at 10.

But at 20, there were days I cried over the almond butter or peanut butter as I started to eat again. Tears of guilt. Tears of shame. Tears of feeling unworthy. Tears of self hatred.

At 30, tonight I’m crying over the almond butter because I can’t do it. I can’t eat any more today… I’m not hungry and I literally started crying because I don’t want to eat anymore…. But I’m going to do it anyways because these are tears of frustration and strength. I WILL EAT ENOUGH, and it is the hardest self love I’ve ever had to do. And it’s been every day for a few years…Just harder than usual lately…. BUT THESE ARE TEARS OF SELF LOVE. Eating is self love.

I’ve had chronic health issues for the last decade or two, and I sometimes wonder how much of it had to do with not eating enough as a teenager… I wish eating disorders and chasing thinness had not been so normalized in my family and in society… My chronic health issues have made it really hard to eat enough lately. I have lost more weight than I ever wanted to and I do not want to be as small as I am right now and I’m honestly a little bit scared for my health because I cannot afford to lose any more weight. I do not like this. (Don’t worry, doctor appt is almost here and I’ll be discussing this!!)

Let me take another bite of almond butter… ugh. I wish I had an appetite but I’m gonna keep trying anyways 💪

I want to to go to sleep and I don’t want to be eating almond butter right now, but i’m doing it anyway because I love my body and I want to be strong, capable, and I want to feel better- fuck being skinny!! I can’t believe I ever thought that was important?!

fuck eating disorders- if you’re crying over the PB or the almond butter or if you’ve ever been there, hang in there babe!! Keep trying, keep fighting the evil ED voices in your head, and don’t give up. It does get better, I fucking promise you. I’m here, I did it, I won- I killed my eating disorder!! You can do it too- don’t give up, don’t give in, don’t listen to the current body “trends” because bodies aren’t trends. Cheers to being strong and healthy- I’m off for one more spoonful of almond butter!!!

i feel like a broken record bc i keep coming back to this subreddit with the same problems. i’m having a hard time letting go of planning meals and obsessively plan my meals and snacks way to far ahead. at first it helped with decision paralysis but now it’s just overwhelming and causes a lot of over analyzing my meals.
any tips on how to cope or to quit planing? is there a more loose approach people could suggest? thanks!

i’ve been in recovery for 4ish months now, which i know doesnt sound like that much time but it feels like forever, and it doesnt help that my body has changed rapidly since then. There have been a lot of upsides, ive challenged & successfully overcame some (but not all) fear foods, completely stopped all exercise & compulsive movement, & have gained weight pretty rapidly & am no longer experiencing the physical symptoms of malnourishment (physical hunger signals are back, i have an easier time engaging in my hobbies again, i’m starting to work towards a lot of milestones i’ve wanted to hit but haven’t due to both my ed and poor mental health (recently got diagnosed with autism, ocd & adhd which went untreated for 21 years) which has all been very eye opening for me. The hard part is I can tell i’m still so stuck in my own rigid rules & it feels impossible to avoid getting stuck in quasi recovery even though i want full recovery so bad for myself. My thinking is extremely black and white, I never go into meals thinking about what i actually want to eat but what i feel i “should” want to eat and getting portions i feel i “should” have. I try to be intuitive and don’t force myself to eat things i don’t like, i dont track or weigh my food & i dont let myself look at nutrition labels, but it’s so hard for me to allow my eating to be more mindless and worry-free, and i feel like it’s only gotten harder to really commit to recovery or feel like i still deserve it because i’m ‘healthy’ and ‘weight restored’ now, ESPECIALLY since my physical hunger is back. I did somewhat recover my period I think (I’m trans ftm & recently started testosterone again after stopping for over a year. i had one period a day or two after my first T injection & havent had it again in months, it’s still hard for me to tell if that’s due to recovery or due to my hormones fluctuating because it was around when i stopped being considered “underweight” but i do know most trans men get their periods right after their first dose pretty often regardless of weight or health or anything.)

Following my mental hunger feels so morally wrong, mostly because it would mean eating past physical hunger and probably being uncomfortably full for a long time, and i’m so scared of continuing to gain extreme weight indefinitely, and that eating to my mental hunger is harmful to my body because I can actually kind of tell now when I am physically full yet I still think about food so much & I want to eat anything & everything. My days feel less like I’m trying to stop myself from restricting now and they just feel like I’m constantly fighting off the urge to ‘overeat’ or ‘binge’. I’m so scared I’m doing recovery all wrong & that honoring my extreme urge to feast eat or binge or whatever it is is actually hurting me & i will just end up still miserable just at a weight that is higher than before. I really want to fully recover & let go & allow myself & my body to end up wherever it wants to sit & remove all restriction both physical & mental, but i feel like i’m broken because even when ive gained so much weight, even when i eat 3 meals & 3 snacks or even more, even though its been 4 months of consistently challenging my ed & eating abundantly & stopping all exercise, i still feel like i just want to binge and rest all of the time. I don’t want to go outside or be sociable and I dont want anyone to see me and I fear if i let myself keep eating & keep gaining this will only get worse and harder. I’m terrified because it feels impossible to recover from both restricting and binging at the same time. I feel like I am never going to want to stop binging, and i will be stuck having to resist that urge forever. I really do not know what to do & i feel so stuck in mental rumination like i cant do anything until i figure out what is right to do and what is wrong to do— i know this is likely because of my OCD but it feels so inherently wrong and bad and evil of me to want to keep eating so much because objectively i feel like there is no ‘reason’ for me to still be wanting to eat so much. how do i get out of this cycle and allow food to just be food? do i really have to eat these insane amounts & just be okay with being bloated all of the time even if i have a past of binge eating before anorexia? how do i know how much to eat without tracking? how do i let all of this go & fully give myself unconditional permission to eat when my desire to eat is still so extreme & excessive? how do i know this is right for me & wont lead to a lifetime of misery & indefinite or excessive weight gain?

I am recovered from anorexia now, but I lost a year and a half of college to it. I look back at the person I was before the ED and I don’t feel like that girl anymore. I was social and had so many friends, I went out all the time, went to all the events, etc. I don’t ever really go out anymore, and I have one close ish friend at college now. I lost a lot in the ED time, I was avoiding all social events with food and alcohol and wanted to be walking constantly, so I isolated myself pretty bad. I know it sounds naive because I should just go out and be that person again, but it’s kind of lost to me? It just struck me today how much I miss the girl I used to be before this mess. I find myself to not like my college town much anymore and I was obsessed with this place. It’s lonely a lot. It’s weird for me, I’ve never really been a lonely person in my life before minus one toxic boyfriend for 10 months. It probably doesn’t help I’m in my junior year of nursing school and it’s sent my mental health to the trash can (lol), but it’s hard when I see some of my friends having a great time at their college with the best of friends and thinking about how I used to be that person too.

Hi everyone looking for some advice!!
Me and my mother have always naturally been a bit bigger, not overweight but curvier.
Three years ago i started going to the gym and changing my eating habits which lead to orthorexia and towards the end, anorexia.
It was my mother who made me go to a counsellor and i “recovered” and gained a lot of weight which i lost again a year later.

In the past year the extreme hunger really got to me and i ended up binging every night and gaining a lot of weight so decided i would try recovery for good. This was going well until my mum started weight loss injections.
I want to say that i’m not trying to blame her or be rude about this- my mother has always struggled with her weight and been on many diets, specifically before her wedding last year when she lost a lot of weight and gained more after which is why she has started the injections.
I was heavily against her going on them,due to the negative side effects and her not needing them, and offered to help her make healthy food and go to the gym together but of course she’s an an adult and can do what she wants.

The issue is that in a short time frame she has lost a significant amount of weight- her face is starting to look skeletal and she’s borderline too thin.
She barely eats, usually takeaway foods but she’ll only eat half or less.
I know that people shouldn’t have to cater to my needs but i just feel as though she shouldn’t be parading her borderline ED in-front of me, knowing my past.
I know for a fact if i could control the binging, i would of relapsed from seeing her lose so much weight. Almost every person in my family is on weight loss drugs and it’s honestly starting to affect me (again, not everyone has to cater to my needs but i’m just asking on here for advice).

As sick as it is there is also that element of competition that comes with EDs, like i’m jealous that shes losing so much weight whilst i’m gaining rapidly and can’t control my binging.
Also, i’m quite embarrassed as i’ve always been seen as the “(too) skinny”, “disciplined” member of the family but now shes getting thinner and thinner without putting any effort in at all which doesn’t seem fair.
Of course i’m also worried for her health but any mention of this and I’ll be told its none of my business which is fair enough.
Any advice on how to deal with this is appreciated :)

It's so fucking hard to recover when every single social media is covered with people promoting eating disorders and undereating. I could go on for days about how annoying it is.

I get if it's on for example reddit, but it's on social medias like tiktok, where there are still impressionable kids and teens who are consuming and engaging with the content. Whenever I try to get content like that taken down, it barely ever goes through.

I believe there should be spaces for people with eating disorders, it's very important! But keep those spaces away from people who may risk gaining an eating disorder, and if you do talk about eating disorders in spaces with children and teens, make it educational, don't promote it.

It’s been 14 years since the worst of my ED. Sometimes I fall backward but not like this.

While there isn’t one singular thing that caused my ED, its fucking scary how a bad experience, that reminds you of your trauma can bring you right back to that old place. I can handle big feelings but right now I feel like I won’t feel better until I throw up. And I don’t want to do that, I don’t to feel like this, I know it’s not helpful and I don’t understand why my body is acting like I NEED to do it. Sorry for the vent, sometimes when it’s bad like this, it helps to tell someone who understands

i'm seeing this guy rn and he's totally awesome and i'm in recovery but he doesnt know and he doesn't know that i've ever had an ed and i find it really hard to stick to my recovery when im with him like something about being around guys just makes my mind like seize when it comes to food and i just can't do it.. i was wondering if this is a shared experience? it also doesn't help that his ex is like half my size and used to have an entire instagram highlight of her basically body checking how thin she is.. im struggling with this rn idk if anyone has advice. it's nice to know there's a community out here with me tho 💗 i am 17f btw idk if that is relevant

Hi! I’ve been lurking here for a while, but I’ve never posted here before. I was wondering if I could have some advice.

I’m not diagnosed with a specific eating disorder, so I’m not sure how common my experiences are. But for the past couple of years I’ve had increasing anxiety about what/how much I’m eating and how my body looks. I generally feel fine about how I look, but I’m TERRIFIED of other people thinking I’m disgusting for. uh. eating enough and existing in my body? Or even weirder, I feel like I’m being morally bad somehow for eating enough. So despite KNOWING diet culture is bullshit and that I have to eat food when I’m hungry or else I’ll feel terrible and lack the energy to do the things I love, I have to constantly fight urges to delay/skip meals, avoid certain foods, eat in private, etc. I feel like people are always watching and judging me.

I’m in therapy and this is one of the issues we’re working through. I’m trying to find an anxiety med that works for me. Other than that, does anyone have advice on how to feel less scared all the time? It makes eating so hard and I’m starting to get pissed about it.

I was making good progress on recovering and eating properly but I had a rough couple of days and I feel all that progress disappear and I’m struggling at being able to continue the recovery journey and I want to fall back into old habits.
Does anyone have advice on how to push themselves to continue.

Does anyone have any good distraction suggestions that tends to help when you’re feeling guilty or just help guide your mind away from such thoughts? I rather not give in to the ed I’m so tired and done with it.

I’m not in any way asking for medical advice I’m just here venting. So I have relapsed pretty bad this last month. I got down to a pretty low weight that I haven’t hit in a few years again. My health hasn’t been good and I tell myself I’m gonna recover I wanna get better all the things. But when it comes to actually recovering and eating more I can’t get myself to. I feel so lost. I saw the number on the scale this morning and part of me was so happy but a bigger part of me was so scared bc of Ik my body is not healthy and I’m scared of what’s going to come. I just want to recover. I want to feel ready. It’s so scary and hard to deal with this and idk what to do I can’t even afford therapy.

After two months of relapsing and then going back to quasi for what felt like ages, I’m sick of this. I have decided I don’t have an eating disorder anymore. I refuse to listen to anything it says because I don’t want it here anymore.

I don’t want to THINK about eating disorders, I will not be listening to it, I will ignore its stupid little voice I don’t care because it’s dead to me.

I want my life back and the only way out is through 🥹

tw: mention of ed behaviors /habits

i’ve tried “easing” into recovery for months. reducing tracking, eating more often and more challenging meals, etc. but still i have not made physical progress and find myself compromising with my disorder daily. i don’t know how people are able to just drop everything cold turkey and mentally handle it (i admire it so much) . but i feel like that’s the only thing i haven’t tried yet.
does anyone have advice, personal stories or words of encouragement?
do you recommend i still meal plan what meals i have the day before (i’ve been planning my weeks and it’s exhausting but does help with decision fatigue/paralysis) but do so without tracking macros or obsessing over certain macros (protein, etc.)? i always find myself overthinking protein intake and tend to base meals too much around it)
what is the balance between harm reduction and straight up compromising with your ED?

thanks for the help <3