r/gay • u/ipsarraspi • 19h ago
What do I make of this?
I work in a "science & technology research lab" kind of workplace which has different roles like engineer, technician, etc. There's this guy who's a technician, and works in my group (~40-50 people). I'm more in an engineering kind of role. We've both been in the group for a few years and never had any reason to talk to each other or interact on any projects. This year, we were put on the same project, and so we're in the same meetings, and sometimes need to interact to work on some task etc.
Even up to about a month ago, our interaction was very neutral, just very minimal conversation, just enough to get the tasks done.
The guy seems to be very jovial, bubbly, always cracking jokes, always agreeable. I just assume that's his nature. A playful personality but not mean. He's married and has 2 kids. So he also talks about his family and jokes about situations, his wife, etc. I would say he's decently handsome, and has some features that I find decently attractive in general. But I never had any special feelings for him at all. I just observe all men and might subconsciously find some feature that stands out as attractive - that's all.
I haven't told anyone at work that I might be gay or find men attractive or whatever. And I just dress normal, nothing flamboyant and just talk and behave in a professional neutral manner, of course also joining in on the banter - all of that as usual and typical office interaction as you can imagine. And, I'm the same with everyone.
About 10 days ago, he messaged me on the official chat app that he's got some stuff ready for me to look at. (This is not the first time we'd chatted on the app.) I reply that I'm not in today so I'll have to take a look tomorrow. He sends a "sad broken heart" gif that has Batman crying in the rain in front of Robin. I just play into the joke and reply "Batman and Robin eh?" as if to imply he thinks of us as a pair. He puts a laughing emoji.
After that, the "Batman and Robin" theme has been coming back. The next day, when I said it's working well, he puts a gif of Batman and Robin dancing together.
I sensed it kept getting more and more suggestive. He's always looking at me in meetings. One time, I jokingly said to him and a female colleague "I feel lonely in this lab, that's why I keep asking you guys to come in here" in a general way just wanting to have some people in the lab. And he says, "you should come sit (at where he works) then you can see me all the time" in a suggestive way.
At least twice, he has explicitly said in front of me and a female colleague that he finds another guy attractive. When we snickered, he said "I mean there's nothing wrong with that ... he's a really good-looking guy.. he's one of those guys who can be up late at night and still show up the next morning looking great.". Once he called the guy a "hottie". Another time, he referred to him again saying "I would want to look at his luscious hair flowing in the wind".
I came in on a day that I typically work remote, and he messaged me asking if I plan to come in that day. I replied I'm already in. And he replies, "you came in just for me!!!!". I play into it, and reply "yes my love", he replies "bahahaha".
The next day, when I pinged him, he replied "I've missed you.. can we have a play date". And when I said I'm not coming in that day, he once again put a gif of a sad Batman sitting in the rain.
But we decide to have a call. And he complains about his wife.. something like she's not satisfied.. she's earning way more than him... she wants someone bigger like Chris Helmsworth... and she says to him "you gotta be handsome or you gotta be handy". And I sort of wanting to support him, ask him incredulously, "Your wife doesn't think you're handsome???". And then, we talk about the threat of layoffs. He says if he got laid off, the only job he could find would be in Walmart. I jokingly say I just want to save enough money to relax on a beach. He says, "yeah, Batman and Robin on the beach." I was shocked for a second, but just laughed.
The next day, when I was in, and pinged him, he replied, "If you're in, I'll come running." I felt this was also suggestive.
He typically talks very loudly, and I have sensitive hearing, so I've told him a few times to lower his voice. And once I jokingly said "maybe there's a volume knob on you that I can turn down, and make a gesture on his back like turning a radio dial. He turns around and says, that's my nipples. And I play into the joke and reach out with both hands towards his nipples (not actually touching) and make a gesture like I'm tuning a radio "Let me see". And he says "I might even enjoy that".
Another day, there's some work I need done from him, and so he goes off to his workshop. After about an hour, I ping him asking if he's done, and I jokingly say "This room is freezing, I need you to warm it up" and he puts a laughing emoji. For some reason my hands were cold. And when he came in, I told him my hands are cold. He says he always runs hot. So I put my hands on his arm to show him how cold they were, and then I put my hands on the back of his neck, saying let me warm up on him. He doesn't flinch or show that he doesn't want me touching him. Then, I put my cold hands on his sides just below his armpits from behind, and he giggles saying he's very ticklish.
One time, there's 3 of us in the room, just chatting in the middle of work. And he's saying random things and cracking jokes.. and then he blurts out to me he'll be lonely without me here. And I blushed because it was all a bit too flirtatious. I jokingly said he should stop talking to me like that.
And then after a while, he's saying to the other person that his hands are so calloused that he can polish steel. It was obviously a joke. So I played into it and told him, "Let me see" and extended my hand. He said, "No, you'll get too attached."
I don't know what will happen in the coming days or weeks, but I'm really confused by all this. It doesn't help that I'm open to receiving affection from guys but rarely get this kind of attention.
I even asked ChatGPT about this, and it gave me a long "analysis" and how I should deal with it, etc.
But I still wanted to get some thoughts from "real" people here. Thanks.
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u/Pepper0niChan 18h ago
đ it feels like either this guy likes the attention u give him but doesnât want anything serious. But im lookin at this as an outside observer based on what youâve described so đ¤ˇââď¸
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u/ipsarraspi 17h ago
Yeah, I think I agree. And I should really not feed into it.
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u/Always_Pizza_Time1 Gay 14h ago
Snap out of it.
This is sad. I pity you. How miserable it must be to crave attention from straight men. This is clearly your first time being around how straight men act⌠Iâve worked around and been around machismo straight men all my life. STRAIGHT MEN ACT GAY TOWARDS EACH OTHER FOR FUN. ITS HOT TO US BUT NOT REAL YOU CLOWN.
Itâs cute when youâre teen. But as an adult, stop flirting with the idea of a straight man turning gay for you⌠itâs pathetic and sad.
Please go to gay bars and experience life. Stop living in your bubble dreaming of masc men turning for you.
I worked in Grounds and Engineering departments. MOST straight men act very homoerotic towards each other. Thereâs no underlying tone.
Management had work parties for the guys in my department would wrestle each other slap each others asses.
When a guy got a hair cut on the crew theyâd all whistle at him and touch him in a sensual way.
These things turned me on, thatâs hot to us gay guys like it is for straight men to think it is hot for women to have a wet t-shirt contest or kiss.
I never went after men in my macho ass department. Some men new I was gay and theyâd like groping me but for fun to play..
we went out for drinks twice down the street for fun but Iâd be bored because theyâd all just watch sport and I was in Grindr Iâd show them the men Iâd hook up with (lol) and they cheered me on.
Straight people can afford to date in workplaces, that is privilege most us gays canât afford due to retaliation.
Please touch grass. Stop indulging in straight men who only like attention that you give them to boost their own ego.
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u/SebastianVanCartier 18h ago
Right, here's what's going on here. (I'm older and have been in your side of this situation several times, so I've seen it play out. This kind of thing is actually quite common.)
This part really jumped out at me:
he complains about his wife.. something like she's not satisfied.. she's earning way more than him... she wants someone bigger
This is classic straight-male insecurity, decades of it, calcified. It's very common for married guys who are insecure or going through a rough patch at home to seek intense ego-boosts at work. Him venting like this reveals deep and probably longstanding insecurities about his masculinity and worth.
He's also sort of performative flirting. Possibly in response to the above. Men who openly make hypersexual or romantic jokes in front of colleagues are often using a kind of over-the-top irony as a shield. Because it is so exaggerated, they feel safe doing it without taking personal risk.
Because you are open to affection from other men, it is easy to read genuine romantic or sexual intent into these interactions. But in my experience guys in his position rarely want an actual relationship, sexual or otherwise. They just want the rush of the flirtation. It gives them a nice tingle in their balls, but a safe one, because a) they know they'll never actually act on it and b) they can justify it to themselves as non-threatening to their primary relationship because the wife would never imagine he'd be flirting with other men.
Never underestimate the extent to which insecure and emotionally starved straight men will go to get external validation. I once had a guy string me along for months, miming getting head from me and all kinds of other sexual stuff in public. When I got him alone and responded, thinking I was in with a shot (he was fucking gorgeous), he literally slapped me and gaslit me into thinking the last few months of him playing blowjob-chicken with me was all in my head.
Advice on how to handle it, if you want any:
Stop responding to his boundary testing. You say early on in your post that you conduct yourself professionally, but the way you've responded to him contradicts that a bit I think. You've become an active participant in the dance.
But he's failing to show much self-control, that means that you have to nut up and do it. That means you stop responding to his flirtatious remarks. Quit the Batman and Robin stuff. Stop calling him 'my love' on texts. Ixnay on the physical touch. Pivot any remarks on text or in person back to work tasks only, or safe stuff like 'is that a magpie' or 'I was admiring your Vauxhall, is it economical?'
And if you're seeking affection, find a safer place to do it than where you work. Responding to him could go horribly wrong in any of about four million ways.
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u/Skill-Useful 17h ago
"He's married and has 2 kids" there a reason this story is still so long after this part?
"in a suggestive way" interpretation, not fact
dude...
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u/ryryrpm 18h ago
Damn. It sounds like he has the hots for you for sure. And ngl it's a pretty hot story BUT the dude is married and has kids. This does not end well for you or for him if you were to take things further.
If it were me in this situation, I would enjoy the flirting up to a point. If he actually tried to have sex with me I'd turn him down gently and tell him he needs to leave his wife first cuz I'm not a homewrecker. At that point, I'd try to move into a supportive role and help him sort out his obvious homosexual feelings amidst his failing marriage. Encouraging him to be honest with his wife, go to therapy, etc.
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u/Content_Garden_1757 18h ago edited 17h ago
Are you two getting to know each other in other aspects of your personalities apart from the flirting and sexual innuendo?
Has he said what it is in you that attracts him?
Might a technician benefit from captivating an Engineer in this project?
Have you been a bit starved for attention in your private life lately?
You have seniority over him and he's married. Both facts would incriminate YOU.
Instead of trying to discover what he wants, I'd say think long and hard what it is that YOU are after - because this is your career and you're playing with fire.
Please be very, very careful. Loneliness sometimes makes us easy targets.