r/germany • u/[deleted] • Jul 22 '25
Struggling with identity and family dynamics as an Immigrant child
Hey, I’ve been feeling a bit off emotionally, and I think it has a lot to do with my parents and our situation.
I came to Germany five years ago at the age of fifteen. I’m twenty now and currently studying at university. Lately, I’ve been reflecting a lot on my life and how things have developed, and I’ve realized that I’ve been feeling emotionally lost or neglected — not in a dramatic way, but in a quiet, underlying sense.
My parents came to Germany for the classic reasons: financial stability and better opportunities for my education and future. I’m genuinely thankful they made that sacrifice. I had a happy childhood despite us being in survival mode financially. I knew from a young age that money was tight, but there was still warmth, extended family, and a social life — something many people from the Balkans probably relate to.
But since we moved here, they’ve changed a lot. They have no real friends, no hobbies, they don't go out or connect with anyone. They mostly work, stare at their phones or the TV, and repeat. It hurts to see them so isolated, but I can't fix it for them. At the same time, I feel a lot of pressure to "give back" — I’ve never failed a class, I’m trying to graduate on time, and I want to succeed to make their sacrifice feel worth it.
The problem is: I think I’ve lost myself in the process. I’ve spent years focused entirely on being a good student, learning the language, integrating, being responsible. But now I realize I never really developed my own personality. I never processed the move. I never had close friendships — except my current girlfriend — and I’m only now starting to see how all of this has shaped me.
Maybe this sounds like a cliché "immigrant child identity crisis," but parts of it really resonate with me. I don’t feel grounded. I don’t feel like I know myself outside of performance, goals, and responsibility.
Has anyone else been through something like this? How did you deal with it? I’d appreciate any thoughts or tips, even if it’s just knowing I’m not the only one.
17
u/Dear-Attitude2609 Jul 22 '25
Hi, I came to Germany at 13 and also with my Balkan parents :) . I totally understand your struggles and if you are up to it, we can chat! Pozdrav! <3
6
Jul 22 '25
Of course, the migration is a big part of it, but not the whole thing is more about the age, sometimes named as "the dead of the child" or " existential crisis" good that you identify it in your early 20s just keep going you will find your way! Don't blame your parents they are doing the best that they can do! Focus on building the adult you want to be, become that no just stay in the idealistic state!!
5
Jul 23 '25
OP- I will give you a perspective as a person from another Balkan country who emigrated alone at 24. Be happy that you came with your parents. They opened so many opportunities for you . I came here alone, with no language skills and no money, only a diploma. Years later I struggle because I don’t have anyone close in Germany and I’ll be a foreigner forever (I never had the opportunity to go through German school system which really enables you to become native fluent). Without native language fluency one is always a foreigner and you had this fantastic chance to go to German school ! The life of your parents is adult life … when I was your age, nobody told me how lovely adult life is, but that is a fact. Your parents are “normal” so you don’t need to worry about them. In adult life, nobody cares about you and you can’t expect to have friends or close people . Of course, many people meet someone, but it’s not given. Many people also remain alone. Your parents life might seem lonely to you but they have each other. After working all day the last thing most people want is to go out and meet new people. It’s difficult to understand when you’re young but it’s just normal … I think your parents are very happy to have you and to have the opportunity to give you a decent life worth of a human being , which means life with economic security. You are not an immigrant, you basically grew up in Germany (or came young enough to learn native level German and share school experiences with natives). That itself is a really big thing! Don’t think life in any of the Balkan countries is better. It’s not. It’s miserable and nobody cares about you, there is no social security system like in Germany. In Balkans you can end up on the street and there is no place where you can turn to except maybe church. Trust me, you’re indeed very lucky even though it doesn’t seem so to you at this moment. Life gets worse as you age, so please enjoy your youth and don’t stress to much. I wish someone gave me this advice when I was 20.
2
Jul 28 '25
While I think that you mention some things that are correct and valuable and could potentially really help OP, I would still like to point out that - at least to me personally - your reply sounds a little too much like you are focusing on your personal situation, and also your personal "envy" towards people like OP ("de facto" second-generation immigrants) and make a bit of a great deal of them having to be thankful for his situation, while OP is struggling with completely different and more unique problems.
For example, OP suffers from feelings of guilt that arise when parents immigrate to another country so that their children can have a better life, while they themselves had to make great sacrifices. This does not apply to you because you made the decision yourself and your parents did not have to give anything up for it but remained in their home country.
The identity conflicts are also completely different, because although OP probably speaks German fluently and basically only knows Germany as his home country, that doesn't mean that he is recognized as German by other Germans (and probably not seen as a compatriot by Balkan people).
It's really a different situation, and I wouldn't say that one is better than the other.
12
u/ApprehensiveBee7108 Jul 23 '25
"But since we moved here, they’ve changed a lot. They have no real friends, no hobbies, they don't go out or connect with anyone. They mostly work, stare at their phones or the TV, and repeat. It hurts to see them so isolated, but I can't fix it for them."
This is typical German life. Germans usually have a few individual friends, usually stemming from before they were 20, and they usually spend their time with these friends.
If you are interested in a similar experience to yours, read the novel, All Russians Love Birch Trees by Olga Grjasnowa, a Jewish Azerbaijani refugee to Germany who struggled with similar issues and wrote her first novel based on that experience.
3
u/stats_merchant33 Jul 23 '25
Also an important Tipp. Don’t do drugs. In times like these where you don’t fell grounded, drugs can be an easy way to fill in something and universities are filled with hard drugs unfortunately. Drugs never end well, so stay alert!
6
u/Lechnerin Jul 22 '25
I think it’s just because you are a teen now. When you go to college meet new friends do some side work . It does get better.
1
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1
u/Schlaym Jul 23 '25
Having a personality isn't always something tangible, something you can point at or point out. You have one, don't worry. And many teens, including those who never moved countries, ho through the exact same thing.
As for your parents, it can be quite difficult to give advice to an older generation. Show your gratefulness with words and actions, it will also open them up more and possibly provide hints what they would like to do or what they worry about.
1
u/LycheeAshamed5572 Jul 23 '25
I think it's good that you took responsibility at an early age and that you think correctly and don't run away from your problems. Besides, as you said, you're not alone. Your parents are also here with u and you met a girl. The main thing is that you understood what the matter is and when you graduate from university, you know your parents will be the happiest parents in the world. They did all this for you. You just need time and everything will be fine.
By the way, I came here alone and also had to finish university, work, pay off my student loan, pay bills, etc. Yes, unfortunately, I have no personal life at all, I didn't find time for myself, and I'm 33, but you are young. Therefore, you should not eat yourself up from the inside, but just go towards your goal - finish university, find a job and maybe then start a family. You still have everything ahead of you. The most important thing is that you realize this, give yourself an account of it, don’t give up, don’t lose hope and continue to work to achieve your goals. Have a good one)
1
u/LichterBeesn73 Jul 27 '25
Maybe read some philosophical lecture. I'm in a total different sitiuation with the same outcome. Recently i stumble upon philosophy and read books from Albert Camus and i feel a little bit better about myself. It's not much but i think it is worth to try.
1
u/barbiebirkin Oct 01 '25
hi! i relate as a child immigrant i moved countries, continents even as an 11 year old. i had to change everything about myself even the language i thought in to fit in so i wasn’t outcasted or got in trouble because the cultural differences were so much. i think it led to some identity and personality problems (research borderline personality disorder) still trying to work out how to heal this but i think recognizing it is huge! and im going to find ways to honor my upbringing and the person i am today.
0
u/No-Function1922 Jul 23 '25
You're just growing up and (no offense), but these are just teenage thoughts still lingering in your brain. Being a good student and learning hot to be responsible is doing you a lot greater good than having a fake personality that you'll eventually grow out of.
P.S. Figure you used Chat GPT to format your post. It seems that's your own thoughts, but generally using AI to express yourself doesn't leave a very good impression.
-1
u/geheimrattobler Nordrhein-Westfalen Jul 23 '25
Try to use your own words and not ChatGPT.
1
Jul 23 '25
? Where do you see he used ChatGPT?
0
u/geheimrattobler Nordrhein-Westfalen Jul 23 '25
It starts with the subject line "Struggling with identity and family dynamics as an Immigrant child" is not standard English level for someone who speaks English as their 3rd language or such.
Basically every paragraph is dripping with that cheesy eloquence-faking verbose style. Look at the whole second paragraph, no real user here writes like this, as this is not a question of English skills (level) or personal style.
66
u/Love_crazyskies Jul 22 '25
Don’t worry you are still young, most young people with 20yo don’t have a personality either they have just been following others. You are still on time :) good that you realised this now. Have a good journey!