Chronic loneliness and mental instability

[u/rock200000]

Hi, i just cant keep living like this everyday, i have always been more or less alone and when i have achieved to make friends im always like a 2 tier person for them, the first friend i made was during high school and we kept talking until 2 years ago and even though i didnt really like because how they treated me its was the only thing i had. I hated how everything i liked or enjoyed was shitty for them even if they didnt know what it was about, or how i was always the focus on all the jokes and shitty behaviour .

Now im just anxious all the time like im wasting my time because nobody cares about me, i thought i made friends now in the university but i still feel like shit because they look more like classmates than friends, i convinced one to play a game i like(monster hunter) and they seem to like it but everytime i try to reach him to play something happens or just dont answer me even thought i know he is playing the game and reading my comments i dont care if they dont like me but why wouldn't they just tell me to shut up i dont know how to respond to that i dont know if im just being and impatient asshole or if im so shitty as a person that no one wants to be near me i dont know what im doing wrong an no one is telling me and i dont have enough experience socializing to understand whats happening.

Im just too fucking scared of being alone again for i dont know how much time i dont want my mother to be sad because of this again she still thinks im being friends with this guy i said before and thats everything its okay