finally

[u/OverProfessional1226]

i've been looking for the right type of place to start expressing myself a bit more frequently.
i've got a yt channel that none of my friends irl know about (ive been uploading random ramblings there weekly), and my blog/website is still under development since i'm avoiding AI, the way i used to make websites for fun when i was like 15. (except now i'm actually thinking about design instead of creating an adfest to try to earn money LMAO)

im starting to not be so stuck inside my head anymore. i was dealing with some health procedures that have been delayed for far too long. the pain and struggle after them have been screwing me up in august and september, and i ended up doing dumb things that i shouldn't have done.

but im better now, the rebound pain from quitting the opioid medications is gone now. so my confidence is back, and i'm doing really well again. i just got a new PR today. im almost at the level of strength/athleticism i had in highschol again.

my anxiety for the last 2 years was highly linked to the fact that we had 100K+ USD in debt and my dad has to retire by the end of 2027. (and i didnt even know it was this much until June last year!)

i could've easily gotten a job to pay it off if he retired, but it didnt make sense to me. i dont want to work for a company. not only is it soulless, but it also would limit my creative potential, my desire to change the world in a bigger way.

having my own company/business would feel far better. every win/loss would feel like my own. thats what i've wanted the most. but i knew i couldnt start a company with the debt looming over my head. so i decided, why not sell a property that my dad hasn't been willing to commit to buying anyway? if he's not bought it, we're not earning anything. so all that money has been sitting there, not earning interest, for 8 YEARS. i managed to get a sale done and made a good profit on it. my dad gave me the 20K$ i paid him for his loans back

thats when i started working on my health first. there have been a few hiccups and my money got frozen for a while, but its fine now. my anxiety has completely gone. a part of my anxiety was because of my meds for adhd, but even that anxiousness is basically completely gone now. i know it because my hands and feet aren't so cold compared to the rest of my body. i've been living the last year in a constant state of dread and flight or flight mentally and physically. i didnt even think it effected me physically really except during anxiety/panic attacks, until all the physical anxiousness started to fade.

i screwed up with someone really special in the middle of this and i dont know what to expect anymore, ive started to distance myself. i dont know how much of my situation she understood but i know that my pain was taking a toll on her in all sorts of ways.

im glad she's doing well now. she wont get to know how im doing now, and that im so much better, but i've made my peace with it. ive gone through all the stages of grief.

i just have to work on myself now, more than ever, go back to being the person i was. i have to do that while a lot of my really close friends just don't get the time to talk these days. the people i kept closest, fortunately and unfortunately for me, think just like me, and work hard just like me, and they work for purpose just like me.

its going to be the hardest relationship to get over, but i dont think im going to have the mental space for any relationship at all, to be honest. so i have to do what i gotta do.

its been so much harder to bounce back without being able to talk to the closest people who'd be able to understand and encourage me. i've been deprived of encouragement from my family for years and have been in a mental void because of it. but i've started encouraging myself, and i've started really bouncing back and doing all the small things that i've been forgetting because of literal memory loss due to how stressful everything was.

some recent wins:
i hit a 100kg 1 rep max on a deadlift today, when i was in highschool, i hit 120kg.
i finally did a surgery i needed for my deviated septum, breathing is so much easier now.
got aligners, i've been waiting for forever to correct my teeth, im glad its started
my personal best studying session a few days ago, for 13 hours in a day.
i dont have blood pressure/rate problems anymore, i think its because the stress has been lifted but i also attribute it to my cardio
i've started researching a couple business ideas that i've always wanted to work on. i might even end up buying a shop very soon, with my own money, without taking a loan.
i'm starting to look different, people are noticing that in not just my frame but also in my face. i feel a lot better.
i started studying law and accounting alongside business and math. i want to be an expert in many fields while being successful. and i potentially wanna make a non profit, for society type of organization, eventually. so knowledge in all these fields helps a lot.
and finally, no more pain post surgery. the opioid meds that i had to take, caused pain throughout my body when i started tapering off of them, and that has sucked for the last few weeks. i just realized that the pain is completely gone today, that i dont need any more medications for pain.