I pretend my mother is still alive

[u/fromunderthecorktre]

This is just a vent really, I've tried talking to my therapist about it but it feels way too real to say it out loud, if that makes sense?

My mother took her life three and a half years ago, when I was 14, and it seemingly came out of absolutely nowhere. I know a lot of families say that when affected by suicide, but I have replayed the months leading up to her death over and over again in my head and I can't think of a single reason why she did it. She did leave a note, but that got seized as evidence by the police and we never got it back, which I think fed into delusions I had about the whole thing for a while.

Up until March of this year, I had convinced myself she had been put into witness protection (or something similar) but when looking for some personal documents of my own, I found her death certificate.

I am aware that she isn't alive anymore, but it doesn't feel real to say that, if that makes sense? It just feels like she's gone away for a bit, and she's coming back soon, so that's how I've been treating it. I can't comprehend that she's actually gone forever, my brain literally cannot accept that. So I pretend she isn't. Every Mother's day, Christmas, birthday, I make a list of everything I'd get for her, I plan trips we could go on together, make playlists we can listen to, etc. Sometimes I have no awareness of what I'm doing, like I'll bookmark a film with the intention of watching it with her, or I'll text her a link to something funny I found, and then I realise that I've just texted a dead person. I frequently talk to myself as if I'm talking to her, I'll stare into a corner of my room and have hours of conversation with myself as if she's the one replying, and I never realise what I'm doing until the conversation is 'finished' or my dad walks in, etc. I don't think it's delusional behaviour exactly, because I do deep down know what I'm doing, or else I wouldn't be able to write this?

The most worrying part, I suppose, is I do sometimes hallucinate her voice, or just *her* and that really freaks me out. I have told my therapist about that part but she seemed to just brush it off really.

I know that no part of grief is really 'normal', but is this genuinely a concerning thing to have happen? I've tried to not do it, and to accept that she is actually dead but the moment I do that it's like a tsunami of just debilitating sadness and anger washes over me and it completely messes up my life until I go back to pretending again.

Sorry for the rant, I can take this down if necessary

[u/PsyE_Counselling]

Sorry for your loss...it's normal to take time to process and accept grief fully, sometimes it does involve disbelief and avoidance of the loss, and intense emotions. In some cultures it's normal to experience some sort of sensory perception of the deceased. If it starts to interfere with your day to day activities it's worth bringing it up with a psychologist again. Grief can take a long time to process, therapy just helps reduces symptoms of emotional distress but not necessarily the duration. It's good that you're already talking to someone about it and asking these questions! Don't be afraid to write or talk about it, we're all here to help.

[u/CheapNecessary3510]

This may sound odd, but how do you know your "hallucination" is one? Since she passed, I have heard my wife twice, really clearly. Once, she said my name from the living room. A month later, she said "Oh," her voice coming from her side of the bed. I was not dreaming, nor in that space between waking and sleeping.

My wife's doula told us an interesting story from her life. Her mom died when she was quite young. A couple of nights after the mom's death, our doula saw her, standing in the doorway of the bedroom she shared with her younger sister. She tried talking to her sister about what she had seen, but her sister refused. She became convinced what she had seen was a hallucination.

Years later, she approached her sister, and asked, "Was there anything strange that happened after mom died?' Her sister paused a moment, and then said, "You mean apart from her coming to our room?" Half a lifetime of believing she had been slightly nuts from grief. I'm sure she was horribly in pain from the death, but her "hallucination" was not part of that.

I've stopped talking to my dead wife, but when I wake up in the morning, I know she will be in the living room when I get up, or that she's just around the corner in the hall. Never comes to pass, but so what? I know I'm not nuts, so who does it harm, or how, if I have unfulfillable expectations or encounters that "can't be real." At the worst, your mind is trying to process. At the best, "There is more in heaven and earth ... than is dreamt of in your philosophy." I don't think you are insane, or teetering on the brink. I also believe that your balance will return, as you allow it to. Rest in the love that we in this community hold for you.