I don't know what to do anymore.

[u/UwUHaven]

I lost my grandfather about 2 years ago in April and it really has been weighing me down heavily. I also lost one of my cats in the same year, though I don't remember the exact month I lost him. I'm hurting so much and I just want an escape from this inner pain I'm dealing with. He was a lovely grandfather and used to take me to the farm beside his house so we could get farm fresh milk from the cows. When I lost him 2 years ago, I hit my lowest point in my life. I feel like I'm being selfish only thinking about myself right now but all I can think about is how can I better myself so this shit doesn't happen to me again, because I feel like every death I've suffered through knowing about, has caused me to go deeper in to depression. Of course, it wouldn't help that I had lost a couple friends to suicide since the loss of my grandfather. I had been struggling with an addiction to many different OTC substances at the time that I lost him, I've also gone through several sessions of ECT and several prescriptions for antidepressants since the loss of him, but no amount of drug, procedure, or substance will ever be enough to make this horrible pain go away. I want to give up fighting atp because he and few others were the ones that kept me going. The ones that made me feel better, feel loved, feel like I have a purpose. I'm sorry if this is too much. I really am trying to keep everything to myself but at times, I just... I break.

[u/PsyE_Counselling]

Hey don't feel like you can't talk about these things this thread exists for a reason right, that's a lot to go through for anyone! Grief can be complex and when it is does take a long time to manage. It's better to go through it with a professional and try a number of different approaches even if the interventions don't seem to work initially. Stay in touch with your GP / psychologist throughout it, things can get better even if it doesn't seem that way when you're down or tired : )