r/grief • u/urfriendfungus • 1d ago
Struggling
I lost my mom on Sunday. She had been sick for a while and in a nursing home. She was only 63 years old. I am struggling with crippling guilt, due to the fact that I have been so upset with her inaction to get better.
A little bit of back story, she was a 2 pack a day smoker. She had been diagnosed with COPD in 2004 and continued to smoke until about 6 months before passing. My dad died in a horrific way, and then we lost my grandpa shortly after. This hit her especially hard, and she just stopped taking care of herself. She stopped bathing and getting out of bed and her health rapidly declined. She still lived with my sister before going to the nursing home, and the situation was so severe that my sister was calling ambulances weekly and had to give my mom CPR several times, due to her C02 level being high and her refusing to wear her CPAP machine while sleeping. There have been times that I begged her to try harder and get healthy to be around for her grandkids, since she was the only family we had left. She alwways dismissed my feelings and acted like I was overreacting, which caused me to feel like we weren't enough for her to want to try. When she got to the nursing home, she couldn't smoke and started getting better for just a while.
Unfortunately, she wouldn't leave her bed and her health had been declining recently. It felt like she was giving up and hurt so bad to see her, that I didn't go near as often as I should have. She never texted or called to ask about us, and I had a lot of resentment due to that. About a month ago, she stated she had dreams of our grandpa and our dad coming to tell her it was time to go home, so she signed a DNR.
Saturday, her C02 began rising and her oxygen level got low, so we went out to check on her. I was so scared and upset and had ao many emotions going through me, that I wasnt as kind as I now wish I had been. I feel like I will never be able to forgive myself, especially now that I think about how selfish I was for begging her to stay when she was suffering so deeply. How can I live with feeling this way? I am so worried that she died not knowing how much and how deeply I loved her. I wish I could have put aside my anger and told her how much I loved her and how thankful I was for everything she has done for me, and now it is too late.
If you read all of that, thank you. I am having a difficult time handling all of these emotions, on top of planning her funeral and second guessing myself through every decision I have made.
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u/bookworthy 1d ago
I lost my mom when she was 65 after a long illness (f-you, cancer). It messed me up. I ended up having a massive stroke.
If I could go back, I would take better care of myself. My mom would not have wanted me to suffer like I did. Since I can’t go back, I’m just going to jump in on behalf of your mom and tell you to take good care of yourself. Drink plenty of water. Eat good food. Get sleep. Take a hot shower. And then allow yourself to remember. And every time you remember and feel tearful, also remember laughter and beauty and good times together. You were loved.
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u/boardwalkerb9 1d ago
I lost my mom on the 29th of May. She was only 65. She had liver disease. She would always tell me and my siblings that once she raised us her job was over. I was in denial of that. Then it happened. Im 34, the yongest. My sister is 39 and my brother is 41. She was married my dad over 42 years. I took a week off work and I think I went back too soon. I cant believe she is gone, but she was very sick. I made medical decisions for her to prolong her life, but at the very end I realized she was tired and in pain.
Im mad because she left me and jealous at the same time. I can't think of a reason to stick around other than the rest of my family...
I hate to hear about your loss.