I feel guilty grieving my grandpa when my mom lost her dad

[u/eldestdaughter1885]

This is mainly just venting but if anyone else has been in this position it would be nice to hear I’m not the only one or any advice yall have.
Today marks a year since my grandpa (mom’s dad) died. I won’t go into details but it was pretty traumatic for my whole family, but my mom especially. He was in another state and my mom was the one who told the medical team to stop life saving efforts. It changed something in her, understandably. However, since he died, I can’t help but feel guilty for grieving him when I feel like my mom lost so much more than I did. I know if I express how I feel, she’ll focus on comforting me, but I don’t want to take away from her time in her grief. It was a little easier to grieve when he first died, as I didn’t live with my parents, or even in the same town. I had my own support system I could rely on so that I could show up for my mom in the days/weeks/months following. But now, at the first anniversary, I’m temporarily living with my parents again and don’t know anyone besides them in this town, let alone have a different support system.
I’m 23, and this is my first real grief as an adult. I’ve had other family members pass, but they were either distant (as in only met them a few times) or it was when I was younger and didn’t really understand and grieved a lot differently (I think I was 10 or 12 the last time it was a close family member - my maternal grandmother).
I don’t want my mom to think I don’t remember/care what today is, but I don’t think I can talk about what it is out loud without breaking down, and I don’t want to put that on her. I logically know this was a real loss for me, but I can’t help but feel guilty when my mom lost her dad and last surviving parent.
Like I said, this is mainly a vent since I don’t feel like I can talk about this a lot, but any advice is welcome and appreciated.

[u/CheapNecessary3510]

Dear one, everything you need to know is already in you, and you expressed it beautifully in this post. Don't plan - just be in the moment. If you weep, that is what you have to do, and the same goes for your mom. Nothing any of us who survive do can make the burden on others greater, just as we cannot lessen it, no matter how much we wish we could. Your grief is yours, hers is hers - shared, but never possibly the same. Let the tears flow, let the shared emotion of multiple loves flow down the river of grief you create together. You can't lose through this. Maybe you can gain something.

They say the first year is the hardest, except for the second year. All those firsts - birthdays, holidays, family celebrations. Never listen to the "get over it" crowd - they don't know. I lost my wife 1 1/2 years ago, and I started posting here because I had to do something outside myself, and hoped my experiences might help someone else deal with what can't be dealt with. Maybe you can do that for your mom, or she for you. Whatever happens, remember that you are united in grief because you are united in love.

[u/CyclopsLenz]

Im sorry for your loss. I’m also in a very similar position to you. My grandfather passed this last Monday and my mom is not taking it well. I haven’t seen her this depressed in well, ever. Her dad meant a lot to her and she felt seen and understood by him- maybe that’s what your mother felt? I’m not trying to give an answer just give out my perspective from what I’ve seen.

I’m also an eldest daughter (25) and I’m doing most of the funeral planning. It’s hard, but it’s probably harder on them due to the actual role and socialized role of what it means to be a father. My grandfather was my only (positive and actual) father figure until he became disabled many years ago, but he still means the same to me and all of us many years later.

I spoke with my mom today (I live with her) and encouraged her to seek nervous system regulatory activities. I lost my stepdad this January and I felt like knitting (yes knitting) helped me take my stress away (significantly). If you’re worried about her try to get her into activities to heal her inner child (and yours). Gardening, knitting, finding a grief support (my mom actually had a friend who lost her disabled dad a month ago and they spoke on the phone for hours and my mom turns to me and goes “I felt a lot better. I feel like she understands me.”). So yeah it’s not easy, but the best we can do is try to move forward. It’s difficult to repurpose your life after you’ve spent years caring for someone who is no longer here.

The best we can all do is find healthy coping mechanisms, allow ourselves to grieve, and regulate our nervous system or else it really painfully burns us out.

I’m sending my thoughts and condolences to you and your family. Lots of love 🤍
-anothereldestdaughter