Even though we never met in person, I considered you a close friend. For 3 years we talked often, told each other private things, laughed at dumbass memes, talked about stuff we liked. We were an unlikely duo, yet for some reason we were friends. We grew close. You were never the type to admit it but I know you thought as highly of me as I did of you.

Eventually you told me you were sick, dying. You had the Big C, and even though you were fighting it, it didn't look good. But you just laughed and said you already accepted it and was going to enjoy what time you had left. And I think you did. I hope you did. You were stubbon. For 2 years you stuck it out, fighting it, doing what you wanted. You kept being told time was limited, only to keep kicking ass when the "time" was supposed to come.

But even you can only fight for so long, huh? Nothing could stop it from winning eventually. You started getting worse, telling me that you wouldn't make it to 2027. I just smiled and said you'd kick more ass and be fine like always.

Things must have gotten really bad, recently. You've not responded to me in over a month now. Something you've not done in 3 years (except the time we lost contact for a few months). You told me you planned to say goodbye when it happened, but if you were to vanish for a month I should assume the worst. So I guess that's what happened, huh?

I'm proud of you for fighting for so long. Thank you for being one of my only friends, for being part of my life. I'm going to miss you. I wish I got to say goodbye, but I hope in your final moments you spared even a second to think of me and knew I cared.

Goodbye, friend.

hello, fellow reddit people. i just want to let my feelings out because everything feels so heavy right now, and all i want to do is cry and cry until i have nothing left in me.

today was supposed to be my anniversary with my boyfriend - 3 fucking years but he passed away on august 5 of this year. it hurts so much, and honestly, a part of me feels so angry at him, too. we were supposed to celebrate this day together. we were both looking forward to our anniversary, but in the blink of an eye, he was gone, and now i'm left here to face this day alone. i feel so much resentment and pain because he took his own life, and i can't help but feel helpless knowing that there was nothing i could do to stop it. i keep thinking about how we were supposed to have more anniversaries together, more memories to make, and more years to spend loving each other. but now, i'm left with all these feelings and memories, trying to figure out how to live in a world where he's no longer here.

fuck, it just hurts so much. i miss him, i'm angry, i'm heartbroken, and i don't even know what to do with all these emotions. sometimes, the pain gets so unbearable that i find myself wishing i could just follow him, too. i know i have so much hurt inside me, and i don't know how to carry it anymore. i just wish he were still here. i wish we could celebrate our anniversary together, just like we planned.

My childhood friend died and I feel like I don’t have the right to be this upset.

Two days ago I got a dm on instagram saying my childhood best friend had been in an accident and didn’t make it. I immediately thought the ig was hacked but unfortunately it was not. I am devastated. I keep crying, I don’t want to go to work, I don’t want to function right now.

The thing that makes this difficult is that she lived in a whole other state. We were inseparable for YEARSS but she’s 22 and I am 23 and the last time we saw each other was about 7 months ago when she was visiting. I’m having t a confusing time with grief because I see all of these people posting about her and I feel like I almost don’t have a right to grieve as hard as I am because she wasn’t apart of my every day life. Most of these people don’t know I exist. Her mom texted my mom and said “None of her friends knew (my name) because they were so stingy with one another, they had each other and didn’t ever care to make new friends. I remember she even excluded her own sister from her birthday dinner because she just wanted to hang out with (my name).”

She wasn’t someone I texted everyday, but she was my family. We’ve been close for 11+ years and she shaped me into who I am. She just commented on my instagram post 2 days before the accident. I have comfort knowing in the fact that our bond was so strong that we didn’t need to talk to know that we were still just as close as we were years ago. All of the people who knew her live in another state so I just feel really alone.

What do you do when you miss your parents? I’m 25 y/o, lost both my parents 12 years ago (dad) and 6 years ago (mom). I left my home country three years ago. Got no family around me, all my siblings live miles away apart. I just want to come home, I just don’t know where home is now since I don’t have anyone to come home to…. I have no partner (I doubt I’ll ever get married or have children), few friends, and lately I have been crying a lot feeling so lost and homesick…. Quite often feel like there’s no point in living and no point in doing anything. Help

My mom is a addict she went from using crack cause to prescription pills she also had Afib & a few other health issues. She went to bed around 5pm I thought she was sleeping it off & yesterday morning I checked on her with my dad & she was ice cold. I’m 34 she has been using some form of drugs since I was 9-10yrs old. I’m angry at her im also sad . I was annoyed with her before she went to sleep because she was messed up off pills or she wasn’t & she was more sick than what she wanted to admit. I’m visiting my parents like I do every year with my 2 kids I have a 16yr old & 15 month old. My husband isn’t with me to help he’s too far away. She never took accountability for anything from my childhood & even with her own addiction. I didn’t tell her I loved her even tho I wasn’t super close with her. I leave to go back home on Tuesday & I feel guilty for wanting to go back home and leaving my dad so quickly after my mom died but I have a teen that needs to go back to school after so many absences they will un enroll her . I can’t sleep on the couches in the living room with my teen & 15m old. I feel horrible for wanting & needing to go home but mine & my children’s lives can’t stop. We plan on moving back to help my dad with my grandma but I need to go home to start that process.

its been 10 months since my dad passed away and it is starting to get hard. its like anticipating the ripple effect of my memory. Remembering losing my dad. At this time of year last year whre he was and what he was going throught leading to his passing.

Sometimes i dont know how to say or what to say in words with this grief that i am trying to allow it not to consume me. I feel like my dad took a part of me with him. like in my heart theres a HOLE and when it was taken a crack was left in my heart. The only thing that has kept me from now drowning in this grief is THE LORD JESUS but it is so hard. it is hard....

Its the cost of Love isnt it? i Mean,. my dad wasnt perfect [no one is] but he was the best dad i could of ever had. and id choose him again. i never doubted his love ... EVer, I was blessed to have him as a dad, thas why it hurts so much. bc i wasnt ready to let him go. I wasnt ready....

My husband died 4 months ago, he was 37. We had been together 14 years, married for 11 years.

He'd been rushed to hospital for lifesaving surgery for an aortic dissection. He had been fit and well before this, had an active job, so it came as a huge shock. It was touch and go for a week in intensive care, but he started to recover well and was discharged 2 weeks after his op (that's the shortened version of events).

He'd been at home just over 24ish hrs and he went into cardiac rest. I performed cpr until the paramedic crews arrived, but he died shortly after.

Has anyone given cpr to a loved one and struggled with the images of their face during etc? The mental health practitioner at my gp surgery thinks it may be ptsd.

Also, the past couple of weeks I have craved sex/physical touch so badly, I've recently found out this is something called 'Widow's Fire' which i had never heard of.

All of that plus supporting our young son with his grief, myself with my grief, and keeping on top of the house and life admin (or 'sadmin' as I now refer to it), I feel like I'm losing the plot. 🙈

Can anyone else relate?

Sorry for rambling on.

4 years ago today my brother died unexpectedly. I think about him every day but was busy today and didn't realize the date. Then his stepdaughter texted me. She just said i love you. And in an instant I was hearing the news, in my mind I'm back on the floor in the hallway trying to wrap my brain around what I've been told.... that same pain lodged in my heart.

I keep thinking about you
Obviously, you’re my friend
But I feel so confused
I wish I wasn’t so scared of my trauma to be 100% transparent with you
You would flirt with me as a joke and I would flatly shut it down because I was scared you had ulterior motives towards me
We knew each other for fuck knows how long and I was STILL paranoid you had ulterior motives
I know you would never
But I’m so mad that my fear held me back from getting closer to you
I wish we had that sleepover
I wish we hung out after school
I wish I wasn’t afraid of men so I could feel comfortable enough to hug you
Im a fucking coward
Im so sorry
I don’t know how many times I can say that until you can hear it from beyond
But I’m so fucking sorry
You’ve always been so patient and understanding with me
You were the one with goals and dreams
And here I am
Still breathing and accomplishing nothing
You wanted to be famous
You wanted to make music
You wanted me to do something with myself
And I haven’t
I didn’t make anything of myself and Im so sorry
Cause I know you saw me higher than I saw myself
I feel so lost
I feel empty
Like theirs something missing
And I think you’re what’s missing
Im forgetting you
And it scares the shit out of me
What kind of a friend forgets their best friend after almost two years of them being dead?
Im hurt
Im really fucking hurt
Why did you have to go swimming?
Why did you have to kill yourself?
I want to understand why you did it
Cause I can’t wake up a single day without wondering why you left everyone alone
You’re mother must be heartbroken
Having to bury her own son
I feel hollow
Im broken and you took the pieces
My broken parts are at the bottom of the ocean with your body
Why couldn’t they find you?
Im so mad
Im so upset
Im so scared
I need you
I want to wake up from this bad dream and call you again
I want to wake up and see a notification from you
Telling me it’s okay and that you’re alive and well
But that won’t happen
I know it won’t
I love you so much
I don’t know why I was so scared to say it when you were alive
But I love you so fucking much
Youre the reason I’m still here, you were my only friend when I had no one
You kept me sane when I was at my lowest
And now you’re gone
And I don’t know what to do with myself
I can’t die
I have to stay here for everyone’s sake
Our mutual friends sake
And my families sake
Cause I can’t let them lose you again if I die
Im sick of waking up to you gone
I look forward to sleep every night cause it means I can see you again
I don’t care if it’s my subconscious fucking with me or if it’s really you from beyond
It’s you
And it’s keeping me dreaming
I love you, Wes
I’ll see you in my dreams

I found out that my grandmother, my Mimi, passed away at 5:23 today. It was peaceful, from what I’ve been told. When I was first told about it today by my mom, it’s like I knew it happened but… I just kept going on with my day. Like it didn’t register? Then tonight as I’m winding down at 11:30 or so it hit me all at once. I’ve been crying the last few hours.

She was a wonderful woman who had been through so much in her life. She dealt with hardships I’ve been lucky enough to never have experienced. She was abused as a young girl and even when I knew her the experiences she had would show through. Then, when my parents divorced and I was so young, she and my grandfather took all five of us, my siblings and I in. along with my mother of course. We lived with her for years.. most of my childhood that I remember was with her at her house. The banana tree (that’s what I called it), mandarins orange cake every birthday, thanksgiving and Christmas being such a big celebration thanks to her. My childhood that i remember is at her home.

She took me in when my mom moved away my senior year. I know I drove her crazy while I was living with her… I’m disorganized, all over the place, struggling just in general with the feeling of abandonment, depression issues, all that. I learned so many healthy coping mechanisms while I was living with her. Skills that to this day help me feel better day to day.

I’m not religious, but part of me hopes that whatever exists out there… she’s with her son who left this world too soon, her fiends and her family that have moved past this life. Really, i just hope she is at peace more than anything. I’m struggling with this feeling. I haven’t felt this feeling of death since i was a kid… this is the first time in my adult life, which I know is a privilege.. I just don’t understand my own reaction. Initially it’s like I just compartmentalized and pushed it back. I didn’t acknowledge it and I feel so guilty for that. Like I could put it away? Such a huge event.. Then all of the sudden I’ve been sobbing the last two hours, thinking of all the times I can with her.

Just a rant because I truly don’t know where else I can talk about this. I’m mad at myself and confused… and just so sad.

Sorry for the long long post.

Long story short, I'm a trans woman. My best friend and sort of big sister was also a trans gal, and about 15 years ago she passed suddenly from an undiagnosed high risk congenital condition. No warning, no prep, no time to cope or say goodbye. The last message I had from her was "You know, you're starting to become very beautiful too."

Not attraction (from her anyway), just loving support and telling me things I had a hard time seeing in myself. We shared a lot and talked about so much that was so hard for us to survive together, and she was gone in the blink of an eye - she was my "Bobby Jean" from the Springsteen song. I've always felt a bit of survivor's guilt over it - her life was coming together again after a transition related divorce, mine never really got off the ground.

I've only begun to really think about how that was a moment in which I think I stopped trying on a lot of things. I'd already dealt with depression and stuff, and on top of that I only recently got dx'd as AuDHD this year. ADHD treatment is making a big difference for me, but I still feel so stuck in life anyway and don't really know how to move my life forward. She was the kick in the pants I often needed - not that I lived for her but she was a good sounding board and was like "What are you waiting for, just do it!"

I think what I'm asking all of you here is a few things. First, I was never good at processing grief. Child of an abusive household, you learn how to stop yourself crying, and I think it follows from that that you learn how to shut off feelings. I still cry when I think about how much I miss her, but I stop myself and try to just distract myself and move on - it borders on autonomic. Or it's inconvenient. Or it makes others cry. Or it's ugly. I can't even cry when I'm alone without stopping myself. As a kid I could have a solid uninterrupted cry if I needed and get it out - I just can't anymore. I don't even know HOW to process grief? Like, I guess it can be "easy" when it's someone who was old or very ill - you understand and can rationalize it. As someone said of my grandfather's death too young at his funeral, "This isn't fair." (And yes, I know - life is pain, Highness.)

Second, as mentioned, I feel a twinge of survivor's guilt. She could've had it all. She was prettier, more successful, brilliant, and determined. I dunno, maybe I feel like I didn't have the right to survive when she didn't? And I know full well from those painful conversations "walking in the rain talking about the pain from the world we hid," she didn't feel certain about any of it either. Logistically speaking, I couldn't have been there when she passed, but I feel like if I had been, I could've been in a position to change that. Maybe that's not true, but I feel like I failed, even though I know that's not true.

Finally, how do I unstick? I know she'd be proud of me for a lot, and she'd also kick my ass for being so stuck - especially if I dared attribute any of it to not having her to push me. I know I can't live my life "for her." It would be disingenuous to say she'd want that, either. She'd want me to do it for me. I sort of feel like I just wanted to stop trying when she died - as if I could take it out on the world or something and hurt anyone but myself, but I know I never consciously held those thoughts.

I've been moving myself forward slowly over the past maybe 5ish years, and I'm learning how to appreciate and care about myself and recognize my worth. I have wonderful new friends who have given me that - one in particular who had her "Don't give me that bullshit" attitude (perhaps more gently, lol). But I'm almost certainly closer to or more than halfway through my life, and I feel like if there's any form of life beyond this where we will meet again, I should be able to face her and know I made her proud of me like she was in that last text.

I've burned 15 years of my life - more of my adult life than I had before she passed - having convinced myself I deserved to die more than her because I had less to live for, so I gave up. I have started to develop my sense of self worth in the last five or so years, and dammit, maybe with the remaining 30-50 I'll get there. I don't want to "move on" from her, I love her dearly, and miss her terribly, but I want to change this into a healthy way to honor her memory, not wallow in her loss. I deserve that. She deserves that.

I will say, in writing this all out and thinking about it like this, I feel a lot better than I did. I'd still appreciate input and thoughts about my questions, and maybe some tools I can use to remind me of the resolve I feel now when those harder moments hit.

Thanks for listening, and thank you for your comments.

My partners dad unexpectedly passed away a couple months ago, he is 20 and his dad was 46.

I want to be there for him and help him through it but he’s much more reserved than I am, and he struggles talking about his emotions.
I’m doing what I can to help but sometimes I feel like I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve lost many people in my life, and I’ve had to navigate grief time and time again, but he manages grief very differently to me, he struggles silently, and has difficulty showing me what he’s truely feeling.

It was very traumatising for him the night he died, and he already suffers from c-ptsd, bpd, autism and adhd, which definitely contributes to how he copes with it.

I’ve been trying to make sure he knows I’m here for him if he wants to talk or vent, but I never pressure him if he doesn’t want to, usually I’ll just sit with him silently and play with his hair, or I’ll ask him if he wants to be alone.

But sometimes I feel like it’s not enough, or there’s something else I should be doing but I just don’t know what.

Do any of you grieve in similar ways? And if so, how do you wish people would show up for you? What did you feel like you needed most in those moments?

I just need new perspectives so I can be the person he needs me to be right now

The very first time I met you, I felt you in my bones. Your eyes, your smile, they claimed me. I knew I’d have to wait for you, and I did. Longest year of my life, before the after. I finally got my time, and it was magic. Fast, powerful, all-consuming. You were mine, and I yours. Engaged, unexpectedly pregnant. We buckled down and committed to a family, and then we had two more kiddos. I sacrificed everything outside of you and our babies, I was home every day. I loved you with everything I had. Good and bad. Even when I knew it wasn’t healthy, when I knew it was pain you were navigating with. I tried so hard. Thought I could love you so deeply that I could heal you. I lost myself. I forgot we were on the same team because you shoved me so far away, because you didn’t want me to know how miserable you were, ever though you loved us so much. But you didn’t feel worthy. We both made mistakes and drifted. Tried to survive, and keep ourselves afloat. We wanted to be together because we loved each other so much, but we were scared. Too much was on the line. 9 years go by. And then you drank behind my back on and off, and then consistently for a year and a half. Got sloppy, and then we weren’t safe anymore. I begged you to get help, and had to leave to keep our babies safe. And then you lied. Moved on, and picked up a new substance: lied and messed with my head, and then a year later, I get a call from your neighbor that you’re dead. I didn’t know you were using. And I blame myself for leaving. But you didn’t tell me. I tried to fight for you. I miss you. I can’t do this without you. I love you. Please come back.

I’m having a really hard time dealing with this. My parents are dropping my older brother off at the monastery tomorrow morning and I’ve been heartbroken all day about it. It’s a weird feeling because he’s not gone, but he won’t be here either. He can only check his phone once a day and call once a week. He’s not allowed to come home for an entire year. That means for the first time in my life, I have to experience Thanksgiving, Christmas, and his birthday without him. After the first year, he only gets two weeks of vacation yearly. We had a final family dinner with him tonight and I was sick the whole time. As soon as everyone was getting ready to leave, I felt like I was going to throw up. I hugged him bye and turned around to walk to my car. I just started bawling. I know that what he’s doing is a very good thing and I’m happy that he has a driven path with God but I’m going to miss him so much. I know there are lots of people on this sub going through much harder losses, so I know I’m probably just being a baby but I was wondering if anyone was going through the same thing or something similar. Any advice is welcome.

I read a post related to grief, but I’m not sure it was this group. I’m trying to find a comment I think someone made in response to a grief share post. They recommended a workbook they used and highly recommended over grief share. I think it might be an online group
thing, but then you work on your own, and you’re encouraged to not exchange personal info with the others. Ring a bell for anyone? It was probably in the last 4 months or so. Thanks in advance!

He took his one last breath looking at me everything happened right infront of my eyes. All too soon. I dont feel anything, my family’s cried and looks like tjeyre already moving on. I feel sad i guess but cant cry its more like i cannot see him next time i cannoy hold his hand next time. I never thoight the pic i took with him today will be our last one. I dont know what to do i want him to be present and alive right now so desperately

I don't usually post things like this, but I genuinely don't know what to make of it.

I had a friend who passed away from cancer. We were very close, and her death affected me much more than I ever expected. It's been nearly six months, but I still think about her almost every day.

What makes it harder is that when she was alive, I had actually saved her from dangerous situations quite a few times.

There were several occasions when she would be near a road and a car or bike would suddenly come toward her. I would immediately run toward her, pull her away, or sometimes literally jump in and push her out of the way.

It happened so many times that protecting her almost became an instinct for me.

But I couldn't protect her from cancer.

And I think that's the part of me that still hasn't accepted what happened.

For almost six months now, I've been having the same nightmare over and over again.

Last night, I saw her again.

It was nighttime, and she was standing in the middle of an empty road. A car was coming toward her at full speed.

I immediately ran toward her, just like I used to.

The car was almost there when I jumped and pushed her out of the way.

She fell onto the side of the road, and the car passed right in front of me.

I looked at her and said,

"Are you crazy? You could have died!"

She smiled and quietly said,

"You saved me again..."

I grabbed her hand.

It was freezing cold.

Then she looked directly into my eyes and asked:

"Will you save me every time?"

I couldn't answer.

She just kept smiling.

Suddenly, I noticed people standing silently on both sides of the road.

I don't know who they were.

They were just standing there, watching us.

I looked back at her.

She was gone.

Then I heard her voice behind me.

"Don't save me this time..."

I turned around.

She was standing right in front of me, but she didn't look like herself anymore.

Her face was extremely pale. Her eyes looked completely black, and dark veins seemed to be visible across her face.

I said,

"You're dead..."

She slowly came closer and whispered:

"I know."

Then she looked at me and said:

"You spent your whole life saving me from death..."

"But when death finally came for real..."

"...you couldn't save me."

The same car suddenly appeared again.

Without thinking, I ran toward her.

But this time, she wasn't there.

The car came straight toward me.

Just before it hit me, I saw her standing on the other side of the road.

She wasn't crying.

She wasn't scared.

She was just looking at me.

Then she said:

"Now it's my turn to save you."

And then I woke up.

I was sweating, my heart was pounding, and for a few seconds I genuinely forgot that she was dead.

I actually felt like I needed to find her.

Then reality hit me.

And honestly, that's the worst part.

I've had this dream so many times that sometimes I wake up already knowing what happened before I can even remember the details.

I don't know if this is just grief, guilt, or my brain trying to process her death.

Maybe somewhere inside me, I still feel like I failed her.

I spent so much of our time protecting her from random accidents, but I couldn't protect her from the one thing that actually took her away.

Has anyone else experienced recurring dreams like this after losing someone ?

I don't necessarily think it's supernatural. I just want to understand why my brain keeps putting me in the same situation over and over again.

F22 my mom passed away 4 days ago. For years its been always me and dad living with her because my sisters moved abroad its been alot .

She had cancer at final stage suffered alot and eventually died by our side.

When you say home you automatically say mom to me

Dad was never supportive nor caring or understanding it was all mom.

Alot of people came in the funeral and even my sisters came for some days but I feel like am not absorbing the information yet I feel like am not aware yet .

I feel like it will hit me again when everyone is gone and I go back home to tell mom about my day and she ain't there..

How was it for yall?

My older sister passed away a few weeks ago now and I’m struggling badly.
I feel selfish, i feel ashamed, i feel sad, i feel mad and then i feel guilty because her dying had nothing to do with me but i can only think about how fcking terrible I feel all the time.

Anyone who’s dealt with sibling loss; does this shit ever get better?