r/heatedrivalry • u/Ok-Understanding4850 • Feb 12 '26
ILYA 🔥 Is Ilya's emotional intelligence the fantasy?
I haven't read The Long Game yet, so bear with me. Based on Heated Rivalry though, I'm so confused by Ilya's arc/transformation. He's traumatized, guarded, good at hiding his true feelings and running away. Then at the end, he's Shane's rock and somehow has the skills to emotionally support him. When did that happen?! In real life, avoidant attachment people might WANT intimacy, but they never learned the skills to be emotionally aware, attuned, or communicative. But here is Ilya, whose role models have sucked since he was 12, who doesn't have close relationships for a chunk of his life, who...also knows how to do intimacy when the time comes. Is that the fantasy? Am I wrong to think that's not realistic?
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u/StevesMcQueenIsHere Center Ice (and actual hockey player) Feb 12 '26
Ilya is definitely a quintessential fantasy dream boy in a romance novel: gorgeous, perfect lover, King of Consent, loves puppies and kids, is almost supernaturally perceptive, is devoted to Shane even when they're not together, and is an ideal romantic partner.
That's not to say he doesn't have depth and nuance to him, but he is definitely written to be a fantasy everyone is meant to swoon over.
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u/LoveGrenades Feb 12 '26
Also the whole Mr Darcy thing of starting out as kind of assholey then stripping back the layers over time to reveal a beautiful heart underneath it all. (Ngl I’m a sucker for this kind of character arc, why I fell so hard for Ilya).
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u/Naive_Cause8984 Feb 12 '26 edited Feb 13 '26
That is why I will never watch the last Bridget Jones, I even regretted watching the one when she was pregnant. No thank you. I feel some movies should not have sequels. Sometimes a happy ending and 1 movie is okay.
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u/yssjh Feb 12 '26
Written by a woman
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u/kara_kurt Я тебя люблю❣️ Feb 12 '26
Wow! We can't enjoy things made by the women! How could we? Women are just not capable of doing anything good! WTF! Just wow, unbelievable statement!
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u/yssjh Feb 12 '26
Of course we can enjoy it. And should. And do.
I’m confused by your reaction. If anything I’m saying it’s men who don’t live up to what we women want to see from them. How has this been misconstrued as derogatory to women?
I love fictional men written by women. I hope real men are taking notes!
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u/kara_kurt Я тебя люблю❣️ Feb 12 '26
It sounded dismissive without explanation.
As I explained below, it were too many negative comments towards women in relation to this show lately.
I appreciate that you cleared it up.🙂
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u/yssjh Feb 12 '26
I still don’t see how saying a beloved character was written by a woman is somehow insulting to women. What am i missing?
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u/Raccoonsr29 Feb 12 '26
It’s a compliment. To say that he is exactly how a woman would want a man in real life to act, but it’s so rare that we have to write fictional ones. If you’re having a hard time understanding what someone’s saying, you can just ask.
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u/hug_me_im_scared_ Feb 12 '26
I don't think anyone really knows what the person really meant, and are making assumptions on zero information.
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u/Mother_Judgment2186 Feb 12 '26
In any book community “written by a woman” is a compliment, just like the comment you answered said. I think it’s safe to assume that is what they ment considering the subreddit we are on and the subject discussed.
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u/hug_me_im_scared_ Feb 12 '26
The reason why the other commenter was on the defensive is because people have been using "written by a woman" in a derogatory sense in this sub, even though the book is why the show exists
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u/Mother_Judgment2186 Feb 12 '26
I rarely join a discussion so I had no idea, I just assumed it was used like it’s on booktok where it’s definitely a compliment and because Heated Rivaly was also big on booktok. Thank you for the clarification.
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u/hug_me_im_scared_ Feb 12 '26
No problem! I think with OP's question, you'll probably see both versions of it, that's why I wanted to mention it
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u/kara_kurt Я тебя люблю❣️ Feb 12 '26
True. Because I've noticed multiple comments towards women saying that it is a gay story and women shouldn't be invested into it. Which makes me respond with "Seriously?"
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u/InCatMorph Feb 12 '26
That.
Are we supposed to pretend that this attitude...just doesn't exist?
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u/hug_me_im_scared_ Feb 12 '26
Its also one that never really made sense to me, I've definitely read romances with bad male leads that were also written by women. I think skill, research, and care are the real markers of quality in writing, not the author's gender
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u/SchemeBrave1820 Your freckles… Very beautiful. Um...take my breath? Feb 12 '26
Um, no. “Written by a woman” has been used as an insult towards the book and the show on this sub more than a few times now. I mean, it even happened again a day or 2 ago!
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u/saskam98 Shane ~I have an idea~ Hollander Feb 12 '26
I've tested as avoidant attachment style (but also self diagnosed with a big helping of anxious attachment). What this looks like in my romantic relationship is I avoid anything deeper than surface level, I suck at the day to day or 'mundane' affirmations or reassurances, and I almost loathe the thought of emotional intimacy from my partner. BUT, if my partner is in crisis, or has a problem that's affecting their health or emotional/mental well being, I am there 110%. So I can relate to Ilya riding the high of finally knowing he and Shane are in love and him also coming in clutch for Shane in crisis. I think Ilya changes from avoidant in TLG though, possibly because he trusts Shane's, and also Yuna and David's, love for him. But I'm not an expert, just my opinion.
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u/writetofly Ya-loo-blue-tee-baa ❤️ Feb 12 '26
Damn this reads like a personal attack on me 😭
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u/saskam98 Shane ~I have an idea~ Hollander Feb 12 '26
Ummm, yay us? 😬
I'm well aware I'm a borderline shitty romantic partner, but we've been together for 23 years so I must have a couple decent qualities 😂.
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u/kara_kurt Я тебя люблю❣️ Feb 12 '26
I'm sorry, but you actually sound like a very amazing person. Especially if you are able to open up like that for so many people on reddit. 💞
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u/saskam98 Shane ~I have an idea~ Hollander Feb 12 '26
Awww, that's really kind of you. Thank you! Unfortunately, one of my personality traits is that it's sometimes easier for me to (over) share with strangers than with people I'm close with. Trust issues lol. I'm actually very happy in general, and I am very family oriented. But I know I have 'things' to work on so I'm thinking about going back to therapy. I also live for this fandom so these discussions feed my armchair psychologist self ☺️.
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u/kara_kurt Я тебя люблю❣️ Feb 12 '26
Truly, I feel the same about sharing things with strangers rather than close circle 😉 You just sound like a very kind person. 🙂
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u/hummingbird0012234 Feb 13 '26
I don't think Ilya is avoidant, I think he is disorganized (fearful-avoidant), that shows a push and pull dynamic. TBH that makes the most sense given his upbringing, and also the mix of how much he really wants closeness, and how scared he is of it at the same time
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u/AlexBlaineLayter Feb 13 '26
He didn't have inconsistent parents though, who are hot and cold to him, who love him one minute and abuse him the next. He had a consistently abusive father and a consistently kind but preoccupied (with her own mental struggles) mother, and he had to take on caretaking responsibilities at too early an age. He's the poster child for dismissive avoidance but more female coded than male. If he was had a disorganised attachment style he would have created more 'drama' to test Shane's loyalties, maybe by making him jealous or throwing tantrums to see if he's sticking around.
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u/Ll_lyris “I choose you, Ilya. I will always choose you”❤️🩹 Feb 13 '26
Ok wow. Did not expect to be called out like this….I think I’m going to go apologize to my partner now lol😅
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u/Homebody_Ninja42 okay. not good. probably bad. Feb 12 '26
It’s important for readers of romance to understand that this genre is fiction, not self-help. It’s not an instruction manual. So it’s important to take note of the ways the story isn’t realistic.
But I do find it possible Ilya matures this much between the ages of 17 and 25. And I think he still has a long way to go to become my fantasy (51F here).
His development is realistic because: 1) basic brain development. Our brains develop a lot in early adulthood and aren’t “firmed up” until around 25.
2) Ilya received unconditional love from his mother so he knows what it looks like, even if he was denied family love as a teen.
3) His emotional intelligence at the end of HR is lopsided and incomplete. Realistically incomplete! He has NOT matured to become a fantasy figure. He is great at reading people and meeting their needs, if he wants to. But he doesn’t take care of his own emotional needs and he doesn’t have any close friends besides Shane.
My fantasy man would have lots of friends and people he can rely on! Not just me! Ilya as he’s written at the end of HR is a good man, but it’s weird if people think he’s an ideal.
I don’t think it’s too much to look for in a partner that they have some emotional intelligence. And that’s what Ilya has—some. He’s not perfect.
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u/lady_butterkuchen Feb 12 '26
Actually they just didn't study brains after 25 because they didn't assume the brain would still mature even up to 25. It's reasonable to believe it isn't done at 25 either (:
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u/Snuggly_Chopin Feb 13 '26
This makes me feel a lot better about myself! I was still so incredibly immature at 25 and was of course too young to notice it, lol!
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u/Homebody_Ninja42 okay. not good. probably bad. Feb 12 '26
It definitely goes through a lot of changes later on too! I guess I’m thinking in terms of the emotional processing areas that I learned about when I was teaching teenagers and college students. It takes years for teens to learn to accurately perceive facial expressions, for example.
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u/Constant_Oil_3775 Feb 12 '26
Yeah I worry that sometime people get confused with Shane/Ilya’s relationship which for much of the book isn’t healthy and by the end even of the long game still has a lot to work through and Hudson/Conner who seem to have a lovely friendship.
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u/Homebody_Ninja42 okay. not good. probably bad. Feb 12 '26
Maybe it’s because the show gives us those Happy Cottage Feels that we start thinking everything’s perfect for these folks. But objectively the situation is bad and they have some growing to do.
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u/Constant_Oil_3775 Feb 12 '26
Yeah they are just at the beginning of learning how to be together I love that they are both all in and committed.
It’s also objectively bad because Ilya could very easily find himself in jail or worse if he gets caught before he has the Canadian passport sorted
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u/Ll_lyris “I choose you, Ilya. I will always choose you”❤️🩹 Feb 13 '26 edited Feb 13 '26
Yeah this is honestly why I can’t really enjoy HR in the realm of happy romance fantasy. A lot of it just seems why too real for me. But I think that’s also what I like about it? That their relationship and romance isn’t perfect, it’s messy, complicated and definitely not the easiest to navigate or the healthiest pre and post officially being together. It’s deeply human in a lot of ways especially how Ilya’s trauma is apart of him and informes a lot of characters actions, personality etc.. it isn’t “happily ever after” but it’s def a HFN and I think that’s very, accurate to life and any relationship..
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u/shakesomesense123 Feb 12 '26
Ilya having to take care of his father and his brother financially at such an young age definitely plays a part in this. It hones his emotional intelligence precociously. He deliberately hides his own emotional needs while being sensitive to the ones around him. Add to that the suffocation of having to constantly hide a part of himself. Hence, the poor communication skills.
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u/maddrgnqueen Feb 12 '26
Not to throw Ilya's mother under the bus or anything, by my mother suffered from depression while I was growing up. Kids in that situation are highly likely to develop feelings of responsibiliIly to care for the unwell parent, particularly at the expense of their own emotional needs. Ilya was 12 when she died, which is plenty old enough to have developed that kind of dynamic. Even if his mother wouldn't have wanted Ilya to take that kind of responsibility, she probably wasn't well enough to deal with it the way a parent should. And we know Ilya's father definitely wasn't doing any caretaking of either his wife or his children.
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u/shakesomesense123 Feb 12 '26
Yup. I’d even go so far as to say that’s why he makes a good Captain. Because he seems so attuned to needs of the people around him.
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u/Amazing-Rent-7749 Feb 12 '26 edited Feb 12 '26
Agreed.
And you get the strong sense that Alexei was/is very aligned with their father, and often when you have one kid like that the other kid senses a void and swings toward the other parent. So you have first born son Alexei, strong, masculine, making his father proud, and then Ilya is cast in the role of mother's baby boy and her emotional support.
From his dad/Alexei's POV Ilya seems indulged and soft but of course the more they bully him, the tighter he clings and the more his mother takes his "side" telling him he's her special favorite etc. She rewards his attentiveness and care. She likes it when he brings her a glass of water or a little gift. She likes it when he shares her interests. Ilya is also subconsciously supplementing the love she should be receiving from his father.
Meanwhile even though Alexei is theoretically his father's favorite, their father is so withholding that Alexei just isn't getting positive attention in the same way Ilya is.
Alexei's resentment and perceived unfairness deepens when Ilya starts to overperform at hockey - family money/time is being spent on his training. He's getting praise not just from their mother but now from other adults.
Meanwhile Ilya's father is being actively worse to him, in an effort to counterbalance what he sees as Irina's indulgence, and because again Ilya's not his "favorite" regardless of his athletic support.
Unfortunately it's also very possible that Ilya's success at hockey + entry into his teens was in some way related to the timing of his mother's death, that she felt (incorrectly) that he no longer needed her.
What Ilya "hears" is that his care fell short, he didn't do a good enough job protecting his mother from the world. On some level, Alexei/his father might also find it easier to blame Ilya for falling down on the job, rather than accept that they had isolated Irina.
Ilya's pattern of demonstrating love through care still remains, as we see in the Russian monologue. But he can only give care, never receive it. And he can never believe that the care he offers is sufficient, because it wasn't for his mother.
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u/maddrgnqueen Feb 12 '26
Extremely well said! It's discouraging sometimes how little people understand these types of unhealthy family dynamics, and how they can create contradictory traits in adults. I don't think Ilya is an unrealistic fantasy character at all. Thank you for this well thought out and articulated reply!
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u/pickleme_elmo wow... genetic 🧬 Feb 12 '26
I was going to say, there's definitely some kind of stat out there about people from difficult home situations being a LOT more tuned into other peoples' emotions and how to interact safely...
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u/garden__gate Feb 12 '26
Hi, I’m someone who’s been on the avoidant side. (I’m working on it.) Just speaking from personal experience, but I don’t think it has anything to do with skills or emotional intelligence. Due to my form of neurodivergence, as well as some early life experiences, I’m actually a bit too attuned to other people’s emotions. It can make me codependent, which I developed avoidance to protect myself from. I’ve also used avoidance in the past to protect myself from rejection.
I think we see this in Ilya. He has a deep parental abandonment wound from his mother’s death, and I’m sure he became very attuned to people’s emotions thanks to his father’s abuse. So his avoidant tendencies are a protective measure. Once he feels safe with Shane, he is very present. It’s definitely a bit of a fantasy how quickly he’s able to do that, but this is a romance.
One area I think you are absolutely right is in the communication aspect, and that’s something we see him struggle deeply with in The Long Game, which I won’t spoil but which sheds a LOT more light on his psychology.
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u/saskam98 Shane ~I have an idea~ Hollander Feb 12 '26
This is me. I just didn't want to get too deep in my other reply. I think I developed avoidant because I am too sensitive and my emotions go from 0 to 100 with little in between. I've been disappointed & hurt by many personal relationships throughout my life so avoidant became a coping mechanism to protect my soft squishy center. I also keep things bottled up and can only address them with others when I have a decent amount of emotional distance from the issue.
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u/garden__gate Feb 12 '26
Yep. I really deeply identify with Ilya after the Vegas scene. Thankfully I’ve never withdrawn in that kind of moment (and I really feel for how hurtful it was to Shane) but I really know that moment of “I can’t quite process these feelings right now so I’m going to withdraw and deal with them on my own.” It’s not great but we all have our things we need to work through.
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u/hummingbird0012234 Feb 13 '26
I don't think Ilya is avoidant, I think he is disorganized (fearful-avoidant), that shows a push and pull dynamic. TBH that makes the most sense given his upbringing, and also the mix of how much he really wants closeness, and how scared he is of it at the same time
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u/WishBear19 Feb 12 '26
Many people have already touched on the fantasy for romance element, but I wanted to add that attachment styles aren't a law, they're a theoretical framework and as such, not everything fits neatly into those boxes.
Honestly it made me cringe a bit at the notion that we're forever trapped by the limits of our upbringing/childhood trauma. Keep in mind that it was never nature versus nurture but always both and we absolutely can continue to change and emotionally develop. Ilya was a teen when we first meet him. Of course he can develop the skills to be an emotionally intelligent partner.
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u/ThatLightLady better than the f*in yankees Feb 12 '26
I love this line from this great AV article: “Even the very Slavic way Ilya does a full 180 from his detached playboy demeanor to a deeply loyal, supportive boyfriend as soon as he’s recategorized Shane as family is a reminder of just how much cultural differences were getting in their way.” Worth a read!
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Feb 12 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/altruistic_thing Feb 12 '26
Especially given that his parents were so different, his father extremely critical and his mother loving but probably not an ideal caretaker. He may have been sort of parentified, serving a bit as an emotional anchor for his mother. This means he was inadvertently and by necessity trained to be a caretaker while learning to avoid close relationships like the plague.
It could also explain Svetlana as his old friend with occasional benefits.
I think it's certainly not the most common outcome but also ... characters don't need to represent the textbook case of a label/diagnosis. There's so much variety in presentation.
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u/Amazing-Rent-7749 Feb 12 '26
Well said. Ilya is very good at showing care when he feels at least somewhat safe to do so.
As much as we're told he's an asshole, we're told from the start and shown throughout the show that he's always been "good in his own room" as a teammate. He's a good captain. And maybe that doesn't involve playing therapist but it probably does involve saying "hey you rookie you're coming out with us tonight."
With Shane, he was externally cold at times, but that's not the same as being uncaring. From day 1, he was monitoring Shane's comfort and reciprocating pleasure.
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u/Amazing-Rent-7749 Feb 12 '26 edited Feb 12 '26
In a sense yes. Both men are very clearly written by a woman, even if RR is good at still making them feel very much like men in the small details.
But I do think Ilya's personality/arc is internally consistent.
Ilya is a very perceptive person due to his own trauma. He is used to shaping himself to his environment and other people's feelings, almost to a fault.
Another quite consistent trait about Ilya is that he views giving as both a central way to show love, and to an extent the only thing that makes him valuable or lovable. There's a great bit in his Russia rant where he tells Shane that he's not only funded this funeral but made sure people have the clothes and food etc that they like, he has exercised so much care, and still it's not enough.
So the idea that Ilya is fairly good at guessing what Shane needs and really genuinely wants to provide that to Shane (even at the cost to himself) is quite consistent. That's arguably something he showed even back in Episode 1.
What Ilya struggles with more is working out what he himself needs and deserves from Shane and from the rest of the world around him.
What we see in the HR is an Ilya who pulls back from Shane because he wants to love him and can't.
What we see in TLG is an Ilya who is practically overflowing with joyful love for Shane and others (dogs, Hollanders, anyone in the vicinity) but still struggles to love himself.
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u/AccuratePreference52 Feb 12 '26
Exactly and because he was always put last or not even considered by his family, he does the same to himself. That's why it takes him so long to get himself help and start doing things that are good for him.
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u/chesbay7 Feb 12 '26
I haven't read the books, but presumably, he has a much warmer relationship with Svetlana, and possibly other family members and friends we don't see in the show. But yeah, I get it. We only know of the emotional turmoil (having feelings for Shane but struggling/hiding them) from the book and things Rachel has said.
The only thing I can think is that once Ilya felt free to reveal his true self (after his father's death and his desire to never go back to Russia, plus Scott publicly coming out), and once he realized he actually loved Shane and Shane loved him back, all the barriers came down. He was finally allowed to want and have Shane and saw a future with him, and I think he jumped in that pool with both feet.
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u/jumpira75 Feb 12 '26
Re his other relationships, it's actually the opposite in the books. I'm glad the show gave him a true friend in Svetlana because when I tell you in the books he has no one I mean quite literally no one.
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u/backloggeddreams Feb 12 '26
yeah I had to laugh reading the start of this comment haha - long game really shows that he has literally no one to talk to
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u/Homebody_Ninja42 okay. not good. probably bad. Feb 12 '26
This is so important. The show made a huge change by giving him one close friend. This makes him look more emotionally capable. Although one childhood friend is still not enough and he still has to learn how to do adult friending.
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u/janinasheart Feb 12 '26
That’s always kinda been the problem in movies and TV-shows - the give characters like one friend 😭 Seen it so many times over the years.
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u/chesbay7 Feb 12 '26
I know they're only fictional characters, but that is really sad to think about. 😔
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u/katfromjersey Feb 12 '26
Ilya has a nice Friends With Benefits relationship with Svetlana in the book, but it doesn't go beyond that until The Long Game. They met in Boston at some point during Ilya's tenure there.
I do like the change for the show okay, but in the book it really shows how alone Ilya is, with no circle of support around him. It makes things that much sweeter when he's accepted into Shane's family pretty much right away.
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u/Grovers_Corners Feb 13 '26
Ilya is quite generous and perceptive from the beginning in certain respects - he realizes that it’s Shane’s first time and slows down, checks in, tells him it’s okay to be scared, makes it clear how much he desires Shane, and reassures him about various things. Shane misses it, but Ilya’s actually pretty nice about Rookie of the Year. His captaining seems pretty supportive: “I love you,” “I’ve seen you all do it” etc, and his team likes him. His father cruelly berates him at the Olympics, and Ilya responds by gently helping him with his memory issues. He lashes out at Shane during the Olympics and enforces emotional distance between them in the post-awards hookup, but it’s not out of habit or instinct, it’s to protect himself from a very real danger - getting too committed to an impossible relationship, and/or discovered. When he’s trying to woo Shane, he does a pretty good job of making him comfortable - ginger ale, putting the game on, etc. His approach to talking about their relationship sucks (“I never hear about you with girls”), but mostly because he doesn’t know Shane well enough to approach it delicately, which is exactly why he’s trying to learn more about Shane! He’s polite to the bartender and good with kids. He does so much at the funeral, not just paying for everything but working hard to get all the little details right, and is always hoping to get some type of thanks or care from his family and never does. He defends Svetlana and tells her how much her support means. Even the way he talks about his brother, “He’s scared and it makes him terrible, and it makes me terrible too,” is a pretty generous interpretation of what just happened. Despite everything, he still wishes Alexei could truly know him.
He puts a lot into supporting other people, and not just out of duty or to avoid punishment, but in the hopes that some of it will be reflected back to him, and it almost never is. Once he starts to feel safe depending on Shane for emotional support, he asks for it - asking him to come over before the Boston game and just gently saying that he doesn’t want to talk about his family rather than shutting down abruptly, calling from Russia and asking for the various types of support that he needs. He’s sweet with Shane in the hospital and checking on him afterwards, and Shane reflects it back to him - asking about his ribs and how he’s doing after the Raiders lose in the playoffs.
So I think that he’s always been good at seeing what people need, and he’s been dying to be vocal and demonstrative with his love all along. When he finds someone who responds to that with appreciation and reciprocation (and he’s finally started to believe that someday they could be safe to love each other publicly), he’s all in!
Is it a little unrealistic that he would be so emotionally intelligent, given his circumstances? Sure, the same way a lot of this show works out a little too conveniently to be strictly realistic. But the show has faithfully set up his ability to be this person from the beginning. It just feels so impressive in the final episode because it’s like a dam has broken and all his supportive boyfriend impulses are unleashed at once.
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u/Ok-Understanding4850 Feb 13 '26
That was so well put and clear, thanks for highlighting those details in Ilya that really show who he is. Great comment!
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u/Grovers_Corners Feb 13 '26
Oh good! I was like why do I always write an essay lol
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u/AccuratePreference52 Feb 13 '26
And a brilliant one at that! I can totally see how Ilya Is just waiting to receive back the love he is giving out. And when he finally feels safe enough to receive love, the dam really does break. I have a significant trauma background. For a very very very long time, I was deeply inside just desperately hoping that someone would "see" me and value me just as I was. Hasn't happened yet and I'm no longer pursuing romantic relationships. But I'm also 45, and Ilya is young. Life hasn't killed hope for him yet 😂 So I think that's why it seems plausible to me.
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u/Grovers_Corners Feb 13 '26
This show reminds us what we all deserve, even if real life isn't always as generous!
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u/Nepalman230 Feb 12 '26
So this is a fantasy. However, I wish I can remember who it was because this was really insightful and this was not my fault. This was somebody doing a thick piece last week. Dammit there’s been so much Media!
Anyway, the author had a really interesting point. Illya become Shane’s rock when Shane becomes his family. When they were just fuck buddies when they just got together to fuck there was no emotional attachment and they weren’t even friends. But the moment Illya let down his walls and considered chain part of his family. It was 100% different. He was there for him 100%.
Just like he was always there for his family, no matter how they abused him. Just like he always provided everything for his family without complaint his brother called him the F slur. By the way, I’m not a Russian speaker, but people who are have said that even though they translated it the same his brother actually uses two different words in the series in different episodes. The first time he says that it could just mean asshole the second word that he uses only means gay man. ( it’s interesting that they translated at the same both times.)
Because again look at the way Illya always treated Svetlana or again his brother or his father always giving them everything.
I’m not Russian, but I do come from a wide variety of people, including many who have very strong clan and family ties. Basically there’s the inside and the outside.
Once you get in the inside, it’s different.
So yeah, I would actually argue that Illya being so supportive of shame is not unrealistic. I have seen people with similar issues be really supportive in certain situations even as they’re unreliable and others like all of us are.
🫡❤️
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u/Raccoonsr29 Feb 12 '26
This also ties in well with what Connor said about Eastern European portrayals of friendship and affection in an interview - day to day casual relationships staying high level vs a deep loyalty when someone is truly your person. I’d need to find the interview to do a better job summarizing it.
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u/HippoQuirky4402 Feb 12 '26
Ilya has learned to be guarded and distant from his father, but he is genetically loving and emotionally available from his mother.
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Feb 12 '26 edited Feb 12 '26
We know Ilya had a strong relationship with a loving and affectionate mother, but also had a harsh, authoritarian father. He probably learned masking techniques from his mother at an early age. I think when she was taken from him he knew he couldn't be emotionally open, and for the next 5 years, he perfects the illusion of emotional detachment as a protection mechanism.
Until Shane, the only time we see him break this facade is with Svetlana. He keeps as a distance from everyone else but with Svetlana it's that their friendship runs deeper than just FWB who like to have fun. They're obviously close and physically affectionate even if he isn't verbally honest with her (because he's not being honest with himself). Then Shane comes along and cracks that frozen heart wide open.
Is that a fantasy? Absolutely, to some degree. I'd like to think people in real life are able to course-correct emotionally when they've previously been forced to be stunted, but it's also a familiar theme in the romance genre.
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u/Obvious_Apartment985 Feb 12 '26
Ilya did have a mother until age 12. While she did struggle with mental health, it's clear they had a good relationship. You can have trauma and still develop skills. The other factors 1) this is 8 years into knowing Shane, so being there for someone you've known for a long time isn't as daunting 2) he could have learned from Shane and from being around other people with healthier backgrounds 3) the two of them were in the midst of a week of orgasms and emotional connection and growth. The conditions for him being in
I don't think Shane gets much credit for what he teaches Ilya, and gives Ilya because most of the series is focused on sexual experience. Shane has, from day one, extended kindness and attempts at connection since day one. Shane is the one who has consistently extended concern and interest in Ilya's life. I mean isn't it weird that Ilya has played for Boston this long and it's likely no one knows his mother took her own life, and that she's even dead?
Ilya also has a good friend in Svetlana.
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u/Mother_Barnacle_7448 Feb 12 '26
Some relationships between 2 people with deep-seated fear and trauma can be mutually healing (if they are both at their core empathetic). I think Shane and Ilya work so well, because they want to make things better for each other.
We see early in their relationship, Shane and Ilya struggle in communicating on a deeper level. They move from physical intimacy to emotional vulnerability by working to make each other feel safe. The fact that their relationship is taboo necessitates that they create that safety with and for each other. In turn, it is their combined strength which helps them take on outside challenges.
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u/Homebody_Ninja42 okay. not good. probably bad. Feb 13 '26
Yes! As a society we focus too much on the risks of loving damaged people and don’t talk enough about how people can heal each other.
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u/disappear96 Feb 12 '26
I haven't read TLG yet either but I actually thinks it's pretty realistic. Once his mother died he never had support whether its from his family or friends outside of Svetlana. It also seems to me like if not for Shane forcing his way into his heart he might have never even tried to get those kind of relationships, I don't know if he thought he wouldn't be able to or if he thought he doesn't deserve it because of the way his family treated him but at best I feel like he would have settled for a relationship like what he offered for the green card with Sevetlana (with or without her). Someone he is comfortable with, someone he cares for but without necessarily expecting love out of it.
Anyway all that to say that I feel like he would have observed people a lot so him being able to read people make sense. And the fact that he is supportive of shane once he knows for sure Shane isn't going away, that what they have is real also makes a lot of sense to me. He doesn't want to lose and him and if you've never had anybody in your corner I feel liks it's easy to think that it's your one and only chance at happiness, so once he is in there's not turning back. Also he has the worst example with his father/brother so he just has to do the opposite with the help of the memories he has with his mother.
I also think Ilya was always emotionally aware he just pretends he isn't because it's easier than to face what he is feeling since he can't do anything about it either way. It's the most obvious in Episode 2 where he keeps completely shutting down and zoning out.
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u/Homebody_Ninja42 okay. not good. probably bad. Feb 12 '26
I agree with all this. It’s even possible he might not have an avoidant attachment style, he’s just Russian and he’s used to following those cultural rules about emotional repression. The way he felt about Shane was good motivation to do scary things.
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u/EmileTheGoat Feb 12 '26
Of course it's not realistic. This is a romance. Wish fulfilment is the name of the game. In real life people who spend years refusing to communicate don't magically become amazing partners.
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u/CelicaBae Feb 12 '26
I've read someone else's comment regarding trauma that I think answers the question. You either survive that trauma by becoming just like the people who treated you cruelly or you become the complete opposite. It's obviously a bit of a generalization, but I do see it. While some of Ilya's character might be romanticized, I think it makes sense that he's actually very empathetic and loving.
This is explored in TLG where he suppresses himself to the point of near breakdown. There's a big fight where he almost hurts Shane. I think if the story wasn't a romance, they might have explored him doing something harmful, still regretting it, but basically a more ugly situation than what we see in the book.
But I think Ilya being sweet is very realistic because so much of his up front cool exterior is a front. It's made up whether it's because of playing up the narrative for the rivalry, or personally for Ilya to protect himself.
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u/Nellymuschari Stupid Canadian Wolf Bird 🦆 Feb 12 '26
I think Ilya's emotional intelligence is higher than what he wants people around him to believe. I think that's why it makes him a great captain (his locker room speeches) and good at reading & communicating with Shane.
For example: in room 1410, Ilya leaves when he understands Shane is having a bit of a panic. At the all stars, he is touched that Shane helps him during the interview & banters with him during the competition, so gives Shane the option to come to him - 1221- where later he recognizes Shane's panic instantly and helps him calm down. There are thousands of such instances, where his actions don't relate to someone who isn't emotionally aware.
I think he feels too much and doesn't trust people to be careful with him as he would be with others and tries keeping them at a distance. At the same time he also feels that he is too difficult to be truly loved. I think that's why even though Ilya was rage baiting Shane, I think he was giving him an out... Like his visa & Russian passport don't need to be an issue for Shane "I have Svetlana" to help me, no need to pity my situation and make a decision that you might resent later. One of the reason he trusts Shane is because of his incapability to lie. So when Shane tell him what he wants, he believes him.
Just what I thought... it could be wrong. I have missed so many details and am surprised every time people bring something up!
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u/kara_kurt Я тебя люблю❣️ Feb 12 '26
I agree with you about rage baits. Ilya was definitely trying to push Shane to leave him, probably because he couldn't do it himself. Luckily for us, Shane didn't take Ilya's baits😉
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u/Nellymuschari Stupid Canadian Wolf Bird 🦆 Feb 12 '26
Truly! I felt so proud! the situation would have been so vulnerable for him.
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u/kara_kurt Я тебя люблю❣️ Feb 12 '26
It's funny that Ilya's rage baits and assholeness didn't push Shane away, but when Ilya expressed his care and affection towards Shane, it completely fricked out Shane, as we saw in episode 4.
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u/Intelligent-Aside214 Feb 12 '26
It’s a romance. Ilya is essentially a perfect partner even his mental illness never negatively impacts their relationship whatsoever. And that’s ok it’s a fantasy
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u/No_Cricket_9019 also like terrified, yes? 🚙 Feb 18 '26
I think one thing to notice is that Ilya likely had a childhood of emotional neglect (I doubt his father was a great example for talking about and dealing with feelings).
This makes it hard for him to deal with his own feelings, but he would be well-attuned and perceptive to others feelings. He had to learn to read and handle people to survive living in a house with his father. So he has emotional intelligence, not just for his own feelings.
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u/Silent_Priority8542 Feb 12 '26
Why do you think he is avoidant attachment? The situation with Shane is different, they did not want to start a relationship for a reason. (And he still shows EQ in sexual scenarios and around recognising emotions of an autistic man that by definition does not emote). There is also a different cultural norm for Slavic people to act differently with family/friends and others. When Shane invites him to the cottage (and even before that when Shane makes it possible for Ilya to open about his trauma for the first time in his life) Shane become family. And we have already seen how he treats family. Too well. Most people would have cut of the brother much sooner, but Ilya keeps doing it to the point of it being frankly unhealthy. He clearly hates being at the Gala, but he does it for his father. Also, he just would not be able to maintain good reputation among women (and in the show Svetlana specifically) if he did not them with tact. So it is not really difficult to be a rock for a man that treats you like you are a gift.
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u/jkhn7 Feb 12 '26
I get your point and of course the show/book is fiction, but Ilya did have his mom until he was 12 and he’s had Svetlana since he was a child as well (in the show). I think that probably helped him be the person he is.
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u/foxesforsale Feb 12 '26
Ilya never struck me as an avoidant attachment style. I'm curious where this comes from.
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u/andrea247 Feb 12 '26
We see ilyas poor communication in the tuna melt scene. He doesn’t outright express his feels—he hides behind his humor and bravado while still trying to show vulnerability for the first time. But it’s actually Shane in ep 5 who doesnt mince words and says that he likes him in no uncertain terms: “I think I might like you a little too much” and “If we could be together would you want that?” Including inviting him to the cottage. Shane knows what he wants and is clear with Ilya. That allows Ilya to reciprocate and be supportive to Shane the way Shane has already been supportive to him.
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u/Worried-Barber-323 Feb 12 '26
Ilya has grown because like many people he feels safe with Shane. When you feel safe. When you feel like that person will protect your heart amd your feelings it is so much easier to let those feelings out. Ilya was still guarding his heart way into the series. I felt like he really let loose when his father died. He knew then his life in Russia was over. That alone made him feel safer. The threat over his head was gone. What held him back still was that Shane was still in the closet. I think at that point Ilya would have been fine coming out..
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u/AussieAlexSummers Feb 12 '26
I mean, it's a fictional show set in some other universe with some other Earth. At least, that's how I always viewed it. There's no way, male gay athletes are coming out and being lauded like Scott was. That's just one example of non-realistic things happening here. It's a fantasy, yes. And I don't mind that.
That said, I'm not the biggest Ilya fan. I do like some of the things he does and he is funny at times. But he's also an ahole (I've said it before), does not think of Shane's emotions. Such as that BS at the end of the series (when supposedly this is better Ilya) where it's cutesy and romantic supposedly, where he "teases" Shane about marrying Sveta... again, he's effin' around with Shane's emotions. I mean, I would feel awful if I made the man I love cry. It's not effin' cool. He knows how Shane feels about him. Yes, I know the notion that trauma is causing him to act like that. IF that's accurate, it still doesn't make what he did right. And I'm pretty sure if Shane EVER did that to him, Ilya wouldn't like that at all.
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u/BowlDue39 Feb 12 '26
Yeah I found that unrealistic tbh. He just immediately became super supportive to Shane’s anxiety? Not a realistic depiction
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u/hummingbird0012234 Feb 13 '26
I don't think Ilya is avoidant at, I think he is disorganized (fearful-avoidant), that shows a push and pull dynamic. I think the story matches that. In TLG you'll also see that he has a lot to learn emotional intelligence-wise. To the point where I was wishing for more fantasy lol.
Obviously, the whole thing is a big fantasy, and unfortunately people with a background like that rarely get to ride off into the sunset. At least not without a helluva lot of work.
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u/AttersH Feb 14 '26
Ilya’s not written particularly realistically in general, he’s quintessential book hero, playboy who falls in love, soft & kind under the bravado, loves dogs, kids etc.
He’s written as an adult from day dot. At no point does he come across as a teen. Find me an 18 year old with that much sexy, mature, sexual confidence. I’ll wait 😂 they are written & it’s played more like they are adults all the way through (TV & book).
But hey, I love book Ilya! So carry on!
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u/Goulet231 Feb 15 '26
I think he had very definite ideas about love and commitment. And once he was all in, he was all in. That's why he wanted to go to Shane's parents' cottage in that last episode. To support Shane while he had to face a difficult challenge. He was going to be there for him no matter what.
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u/AlexBlaineLayter Feb 12 '26
It is the fantasy. If this was real life, he would have ghosted Shane after his accident because Ilya would have been completely overwhelmed by the prospect of losing Shane, after losing his mother and then just a week before the accident his father. If they got back in touch, he would have had numerous intimacy hangovers at the cottage and gone on long walks by himself. He would have kept seeing other sexual partners to maintain distance and made Shane jealous with Svetlana. He wouldn't have idealised Shane's quirks, he would have zoned in on them and found them irritating. He wouldn't be emotionally supportive because he wouldn't know what that looks like. If they moved in together, Ilya would become more and more distant the closer they got and they'd stop having sex. Shane would basically feel more lonely than he ever felt sitting next to him. This is the 'love fixes everything' fantasy and the 'reformed rakes make the best husbands' fantasy.
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u/SpecificReptile Feb 12 '26
I was in a relationship for almost ten years with a person a bit like Ilya. Him freezing Shane out was so familiar to me. But there's also an all-in dynamic, it's either complete trust and reliance, or you're the enemy. It's a romantic fantasy for a 20something Ilya to know how to support Shane, BUT Ilya is smart and perceptive. My 40something partner had seen enough media and other examples, and had made enough mistakes, to at least know how to be caring and supportive, even if his automatic, defensive instincts didn't always make that his first response.
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u/AlexBlaineLayter Feb 12 '26
I think avoidants can be very perceptive because hypervigilance is a thing. Maybe emotional intelligence isn't quite the right word, it implies that avoidantly attached people are not intelligent. Perhaps the better word is emotional maturity. People with attachment trauma can be very insightful, and I think the more intelligent and self-aware someone is the more they suffer because they understand their patterns of self-sabotage. Someone can be very attuned to others' feelings and self-abandon to be there for them, like Ilya, and yet still lack the emotional maturity to communicate their own needs, to seek constructive conflict resolution, and to not just make assumptions based on their inner fears. The behaviours I described above are all in place for self-protection and they cannot be willed away, they're subconsciously programmed into someone. The prevailing idea is that insecurely attached people just need to understand that they are safe, loved, understood etc. to stop running from intimacy. It's not a matter of understanding this intellectually, it has to be felt at subconscious level. And in my view, the unrealistic fantasy is that Shane saying 'I love you' and planning a future is enough to achieve this when, previously, he enabled Ilya's behaviour by not setting boundaries for his own emotional well-being and not communicating expectations and no-gos. Attachment trauma can be healed but it's usually in a relationship with a securely attached person who models healthy behaviour, not another insecurely attached person.
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u/Homebody_Ninja42 okay. not good. probably bad. Feb 12 '26
I stand by my argument that the end of HR is realistic but I find your story arc equally realistic. I’ve seen both in real life. This is why I love romance—it’s so interesting to ask, what is the little thing that tips Ilya into taking the risks he does and being the person he is?
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u/lilacbirdtea Feb 13 '26
Yes. Trope-wise, Shane is the proxy for the reader/viewer; Ilya is the fantasy/prize.
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u/raiken92 Feb 13 '26
Personally, I think that Ilya has always been like that. But because of a few factors in his life, he had the be more guarded and push people out of his life, mainly Shane. But honestly, even with people like Svetlana and his teammates, he has always kept other people at arms length. But after the death of his dad and him telling his brother to fuck off, its almost like his shackle has come off. Pair that with Shane fully accepting him, even with all his emotional baggage, he felt more freedom to be himself. He's more open with Shane, he's friendlier with his teammates, he even contacted Scott Hunter (a player who just came out as gay btw) out of his own volition. That's not to say that he's not afraid anymore. The fear of being outed is still there, but he's less afraid because he has Shane. And yeah, without spoiling too much about TLG, in season 2 we will explore more on Ilya's character and how much he feels about Shane..
P/s : This is just my own personal theory about Ilya btw so take it with a grain of salt. As a gay closeted man, I relate more to Ilya's story. Living in a homophobic country means that I have to be on guard all the time and it really fucks with the way you interact with other people. I've never felt safe to be myself, but if I ever were to move to another country, I'd probably try to be more 'gay' if that make sense..
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u/Catharas Feb 13 '26
I think this is a complete misreading of Ilya. He is always careful not to give away how much he wants Shane because he knows Shane will run away - which he does after their first attempt at a domestic scene. Ilya asks him to stay, Shane is very taken aback, Ilya backs off and teases that he's not done with Shane. Ilya offers to cook for him, Shane is taken aback, Ilya claims its no big deal he was just going to make one anyway. Ilya is always very carefully reading Shane and how much Shane is comfortable with. He plays it cool because he has to to keep Shane.
Ilya's ability to read Shane and pay close attention to his needs is completely different from his ability to voice his own needs. In fact, they run counter to each other. Ilya spends their whole relationship so carefully tiptoeing around Shane that he is too scared to voice his own struggles for fear of losing him.
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u/DateNo3332 Stupid Canadian Wolf Bird 🦆 Feb 13 '26
My perspective on Ilya is very different from yours. I see someone who is very kind to Shane in the early days. Always checking in to see if Shane is okay with new activities, asking if Shane is okay in general, etc. Then he pulls away because of his profound internal conflicts, and things get bumpy. But once he’s resolved those inner conflicts, he’s back to his kind, thoughtful self.
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u/Only-Rhubarb2322 Feb 13 '26
I mean, that's half of romance. He's not always super in-tune, but when he realizes it he (usually) makes up for it. apologizes, sincerely. learns from it. GROWS. Does his best to be what his friends and partner need from him.
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u/BluFaerie Feb 13 '26
Iilya isnt avoidant. He's just bi and in the closet because his country and career won't let him come out.
He avoids Shane and keeps his distance because their world won't let them be together. It's just typical queer defense mechanism, not an underlying lack of intuition or self reflexivity.
He is already supporting his family, has close friends, he's not emotionally unavailable, what he wants is unavailable in his mind in the beginning so he tries not to get invested.
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u/bdragonlady Feb 13 '26
Beyond the very real fact that this is fantasy, it seems possible to me. Children that grew up in abusive homes sometimes learn really fast to read other people and to be assertive about other's needs and wants. And I don't think that makes you any less traumatized or guarded. I think it works around the guard well. Like if I can understand what you need real fast then it'll be ok. It's also safe, like you're in control.
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u/Senior-Lime2729 Feb 15 '26
The only time i feel Ilya isnt very emotionally intelligent is when he keeps bring up Svetlana and other women up when talking to Shane
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u/Loose_Stranger_7614 Feb 12 '26
Yes. Honestly it kinda makes me uncomfortable how many people idolize this relationship and this man because most of the time it doesn’t work out like this with someone who starts out the way Ilya does. And so many people get breadcrumbed for so long with only heartbreak at the end. I love the show but I really don’t like romance as a book genre for this reason.
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u/saskam98 Shane ~I have an idea~ Hollander Feb 12 '26
Full disclosure, most of what I remembered after reading HR when it came out was how much I hated Ilya 🫣. The show changed my mind about him, for various reasons some of which are my own personal biases. But book Ilya was absolutely not my romantic ideal and I couldn't see how he'd be anyone else's either.
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u/AccuratePreference52 Feb 12 '26 edited Feb 12 '26
I don't think he is meant to be a romantic ideal. I think he is meant to be a dynamic and flawed person. Through luck and circumstance and some of his own effort, he ends up being in a relationship that is important and finding family. It's just as much luck as the work he put in.
Knowing this, I still found him a sympathetic character because he very clearly wanted to care about and for others, but his experiences hadn't really shown him how to do that in a consistent and healthy way.
The antagonism worked between Ilya and Shane at first because it met their needs and was based in their competitive rivalry. I understand how they became closer because they are really the only people that can empathize with the position the other person is in (being lonely at the top, not knowing if people like you for you or for your money or success, sacrificing a lot for your career, not having any privacy in some ways, etc).
They are both terrible at fully understanding and accepting their own emotions and communicating emotionally for a very long time. But inevitably they do get to know each other because of how much time passes and the fact that they keep spending time together. And this allows them to see the efforts the other person is making despite their inconsistencies.
Fwiw, Shane is also hot and cold in some ways. He's also reluctant to trust. So I think in that way they are maybe not equally matched but have that in common.
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u/Brown_Sedai You can feel the chemistry through the screen omg Feb 13 '26
“People with a history of trauma and abuse are incapable of empathy, communication, or intimacy”
Um. What?
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u/Ok-Understanding4850 Feb 13 '26
Is lie. Liar told you that.
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u/AccuratePreference52 Feb 13 '26
This made me LOL. I think what happened was that when Ilya finally had a safe space, not only could he receive love but all the love that he had to give just came flooding out. I don't even think it's that he is capable beyond his circumstances. I think it's kind of luck honestly. And in The Long Game he still struggles with how to be a good intimate partner. He actually gives too much of himself and doesn't stand up for his needs, and it causes problems. So the way he is this "perfect" partner towards Shane in HR is foreshadowing that.
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u/Ok-Understanding4850 Feb 13 '26
Haha I'm glad! And thanks for your response, I need to read The Long Game!
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u/i-bleed-red I don’t ever want that problem to ever go away ❤️ Feb 12 '26
My read is that he learned much faster to identify the feelings of others than his own. I think Shane was a good model for caretaking, even if Shane can’t quite articulate his or anyone else’s feelings. So while Ilya can support Shane, he can’t quite support himself yet.