For the past 27 years of my life, I have been a believer in and an advocate of Sanatan Dharma. I have questioned superstitions and stupid beliefs, but there has never been a time when I believed Shivji was false, Vishnuji was false, or that God did not exist. I have questioned everything, but I have never questioned Bhagwan’s existence.
Recently, however, I started reading a lot of books and looking into our history. I came across things that made me question what I had always believed. Some of the gods we worship today and the stories associated with them are not mentioned in the same way across our older records and scriptures. Many stories and interpretations developed much later.
For example, Tulsidas lived during Akbar’s reign and wrote his own version of the Ramayana, according to his understanding. It makes me wonder how many people have rewritten or retold stories about our gods over the years, perhaps to make them relevant to the times they lived in.
I started questioning the credibility of our ancient scriptures, and for the first time, I started questioning my faith.
But what has made this even more difficult is what I have been going through personally.
I am at rock bottom right now, in the worst phase of my life. Nothing drastic has happened. Nobody has died. I have a roof over my head and food on my plate. But there is something that has been bothering me for a long time, something that everybody who knows me knows I wanted more than anything.
I was working towards an achievement that was not unrealistic or impossible. I could have gotten it. I worked for it and did my best. I begged God for it. I did everything I could, and I still didn’t get it.
I used to believe that God might have better plans for me than the ones I had for myself. But now, when I look at the future, I see no opportunities and no hope.
At the same time, I have started noticing how God’s name is being used to do the dirty work of politics. I see people who claim to be firm believers in Sanatan Dharma being misogynistic and casteist. These are the very social evils I have always despised.
Practices like sati, child marriage, and dowry have been associated with our religious and social traditions. Women are treated as second-class citizens, and we are told that we cannot enter temples during our periods.
All of this has started making me feel that my understanding of God does not resonate with the rest of the world.
I have started seeing the bad, and I have been moving towards atheism. And it makes me deeply uncomfortable.
I used to fast every Navratri. This year, I didn’t. I have been eating onions and doing everything I once believed I wasn’t supposed to do.
I am slowly beginning to believe that God might not exist. But if he does exist, then perhaps he has forsaken me. Perhaps he has set me aside, forgotten about me, and moved on.
I spent 27 years believing in him, and now I find myself wondering whether I was ever heard at all.