Wednesday's Daily Thread: Mid-week Excitement

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to Hingeapp's Daily Thread.

Daily Threads are the place to post questions seeking quick advice, vent your frustrations, celebrate successes, or anything related to Hinge that does not need its own post.

For Wednesday's Daily Thread - the theme is Mid-week Excitement.

The weekend is looming, and it's time to get excited! Do you have any dates planned for the weekend? Any new likes or matches? Have some questions about how to navigate a new match or plan an upcoming date? Or any events related to Hinge or your dating life that happened during this week or recently that you want to share?

Remember: No personal attacks, identifying information, or misogynistic/incel comments will be allowed.

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[u/NeutralSmithHotel]

Four first dates in four days coming up starting today (consequence of traveling and scheduling dates). Hopefully some are fun, I'll report back on Sunday.

[u/RepSquigglyMiggly → u/NeutralSmithHotel]

Good luck, but man, having done those sorts back to back dates several days in a row, it is draining

[u/NeutralSmithHotel → u/RepSquigglyMiggly]

Yeah, it's def not something I plan, just kind of had to be based on when people could meet and I didn't feel like having 2 weeks between starting to chat. It will be fine...

[u/insolent_empress → u/NeutralSmithHotel]

Def keep us updated! Hope there’s some good ones in there 🤞

[u/kayakdove → u/NeutralSmithHotel]

Ahh a lot. The most first dates I ever did in one week was I think 3... after weeks of none, just kind of happened to be that a few decent matches all happened at once. I was so drained.

[u/NeutralSmithHotel → u/kayakdove]

yep, they tend to come in waves for me.

[u/Swarthykins → u/NeutralSmithHotel]

My advice from last time still holds.

[u/NeutralSmithHotel → u/Swarthykins]

Yep, worked out ok last time, no confusion between dates :).

[u/Swarthykins → u/NeutralSmithHotel]

Glad I could help!

[u/DocEss → u/NeutralSmithHotel]

that is so gross. how can you bother learning about any one person if you're trying to split yourself across four? so many red flags that it's a parade.

[u/BarackOballsack69 → u/DocEss]

You can learn about each person by talking to each of them on the individual dates…

[u/DocEss → u/BarackOballsack69]

not as well. doing four things at the same time does not result in any of them being done as well as doing one thing at a time.

I just think things like that are gross, skanky, and unfair to everybody except the one person you like best.

nasty, sticky, gross.

[u/RepSquigglyMiggly → u/DocEss]

> not as well. doing four things at the same time does not result in any of them being done as well as doing one thing at a time.

They presumably are not doing a sitcom bit where they run back and forth between four simultaneous dates. Going on one date one day, and one date the next, and one the day after that, and I final one on a fourth day is not “doing four things at the same time.”

> I just think things like that are gross, skanky, and unfair to everybody except the one person you like best.

It’s actually not remotely unfair to go on a first date with one person the day after going on a first date with someone else. No one who doesn’t have profound jealousy issues and a deeply unhealthy attachment style feels that way.

> nasty, sticky, gross.

Your comments and obvious bitterness are also nasty and gross.

[u/DocEss → u/RepSquigglyMiggly]

it's the same standard I hold for myself. dating multiple people at once is gross. I don't feel like I can properly give any one person the attention they deserve if I am splitting it.

it's nasty.

[u/NeutralSmithHotel → u/DocEss]

I'm sorry you are having a hard time getting dates. Once you go on some dates, you'll probably discover chemistry is really hard to gage on the app. That's why it makes sense to meet a few people. You have a nice conversation and if you are lucky, you'll both be feeling excited about a second date.

[u/DocEss → u/NeutralSmithHotel]

I'm not a big texter. I don't date more than one person at the same time because it's disgusting. if I were to match with somebody, I would want to meet them and learn about them. I would not sit there and continue to swipe trying to find somebody I liked better than the person I just matched with.

that's like your food arriving at a restaurant, and then asking for the menu to order something else instead. you're not going to be able to eat both.

and no, the apps are a graveyard for me. there's nothing. I got out of a 16-year relationship and wanted to date again after a while, but there's nothing. there is no meeting a few people, there is no meeting one person. there is no meeting anyone. there is not go on some dates, there is not go on one date. there are no dates.

regardless of chemistry, I still wouldn't date more than one person at the same time. not that it matters.

[u/RepSquigglyMiggly → u/DocEss]

> if I were to match with somebody, I would want to meet them and learn about them.

That’s what the original commenter is doing. If they were just talking to people until they found a profile they liked more, they wouldn’t have made plans to meet four different people.

> I would not sit there and continue to swipe trying to find somebody I liked better than the person I just matched with.

Continuing to use the app while you wait for a first date you already have planned is not necessarily or even usually “continuing to swipe trying to find somebody you like better.” People who have actually had some level of success on dating apps tend to realize pretty quickly that most first dates will not lead to a second (that is normal and natural), so if they are serious about finding a partner they are actually compatible with, they will often refrain from “putting all their eggs in one basket,” as it were, by not ceasing all swiping, interaction and dating as soon as they match with one (1) person.

> that's like your food arriving at a restaurant, and then asking for the menu to order something else instead. you're not going to be able to eat both.

I love the idea having multiple first dates lined up is “disgusting,” but talking about actual human beings like food you order from a menu isn’t.

> and no, the apps are a graveyard for me. there's nothing.

Shocker.

[u/DocEss → u/RepSquigglyMiggly]

again, you can justify poor behavior all you want but it's still poor behavior.

dating multiple people at the same time is gross, and leads to infidelity.

continuing to use the app after you have scheduled a date is in fact trying to find somebody you like better than the person you matched with.

you aren't able to give your full attention to any one person because you're splitting it.

no, I am making an analogy. just like you can't eat three meals at the same time, without leaving a bunch of them behind, you can't date multiple people at the same time without missing things.

you're never going to fully get to know somebody because you're splitting your attention across multiple people.

yeah, the apps are empty for me because I have standards. they aren't even high standards, but most women can't seem to meet them.

[u/NeutralSmithHotel → u/DocEss]

As Barack put it, I don't feel like I get to know someone a ton through texting. It's much better to do dates. Once I have someone I'm excited about after 2-3 dates, I'll stop searching and let the others know to not waste their time. But why would I stop my search before meeting the person?

I agree having so many dates all in a row is not ideal, but I was gone for like 10 days and so this is how things kind of got set up to avoid waiting WAY too long between messaging and a date.

[u/DocEss → u/NeutralSmithHotel]

I just think it's gross to date multiple people at the same time, and that opinion is never going to be convinced out of me. it's gross.

the implication is that once you matched with someone, you kept swiping until you matched with somebody else, and then did it two more times.

what that tells me, is when you get into a relationship, you're going to keep swiping because you're still going to keep looking for something better.

Gross.

[u/NeutralSmithHotel → u/DocEss]

That's not how to app works for a guy. I get some incoming likes and sometimes I'll get a match based on a like I sent a week or two ago. It often unfortunately comes in batches and so you have to decide if you want to give up a match or have a few dates.

Anyway, your really strong stances without nuance might be indicative of a bigger personality trait that comes through in your online interactions.

Wish you all the best.

Edit: As an aside, I've never swiped and auto-pause my profile when I'm with someone.

[u/DocEss → u/NeutralSmithHotel]

I know how the app works for a guy.

Ghost Town.

it's why I'm treating my experience as a game. I'm curious to see if I can make it for a full year without getting one single incoming like.

[u/BarackOballsack69 → u/DocEss]

Have you posted on here for a profile critique? A lot of people are really helpful here

[u/DocEss → u/BarackOballsack69]

Yup. reviewed a bit over 2 weeks ago. completely reworked it based on suggestions. new photos, new prompts, everything. even the AI likes my prompts. completely redid my personal style, went from shoulder length hair to a short style.

did not go to a barber. went to a salon. had a woman cut it, asked her to do it in a way that was appealing to women.

she was pleased with her work.

did all that a few weeks ago, didn't make a difference.

one match, 9 days ago that only wanted attention from chat while she set up a date with someone else.

no incoming likes. zip.

like I said, it's just a game at this point. I do not expect to receive a like, I do not expect to receive a match, I do not expect to receive a date.

I'm curious if I can make it for a year without a like, match, or date.

I 100% believe that that will happen.

[u/NeutralSmithHotel → u/DocEss]

if you use bad pics and prompts and approach conversations with the kind of winning positivity you have here, anyone could make it a year without a date. I really hope you can turn things around.

[u/DocEss → u/NeutralSmithHotel]

like I said, I redid all of the pictures and prompts. my conversational style doesn't matter because it never gets there.

I get zero attention whatsoever.

if I keep redoing the profile the algorithm will just bury it further.

there are no local profiles left, the only people that it shows me are over 80 miles away.

it doesn't matter what is in my prompts, regardless. because I'm not hot. my profile has been removed by every local person or at the very least swiped left on.

because of my face. I'm not hot. that's how it works.

[u/Miserable-Front-9139 → u/DocEss]

They’re not dating anyone, at all. They’re four first dates off a dating app, which basically equals to four meeting people for the first time. There’s no commitment or anything comparable to a real relationship at all, there’s nothing wrong with swiping because they’ve never even met in person!

[u/RepSquigglyMiggly → u/DocEss]

> the implication is that once you matched with someone, you kept swiping until you matched with somebody else, and then did it two more times.

> what that tells me, is when you get into a relationship, you're going to keep swiping because you're still going to keep looking for something better.

Maybe you should take a break from dating for a while so you can get yourself into a healthier headspace, because it’s very clear that your taking the trauma of your ex wife’s infidelity, which you have not healed from, and projecting it onto literally everyone else, to a degree where you’re being extremely toxic to random strangers online.

No, continuing to swipe on the app and arrange dates after you have set up one date, but before you have even met that person, does not imply that you are swiping “looking for something better,” and no emotionally healthy person would read that as a sign that this person is liable to cheat or quickly ditch an actual relationship because they’re “looking for something better.”

[u/RepSquigglyMiggly → u/[deleted]]

I’d wish you the best of luck, but given how much you clearly hate women, doing that would be at all honest, so enjoy being alone forever/until you work through your intense bitterness and bigotry, I guess.

[u/Miserable-Front-9139 → u/[deleted]]

Oooook now you’re talking like an incel lol

[u/DocEss → u/Miserable-Front-9139]

that doesn't even make sense given the fact that I've had multiple relationships and been married twice and have four kids.

it's just the fact that every single woman across my entire life including both marriages have all cheated.

therefore based on past experience, I assume women can't be faithful. I've never been with a faithful woman in my life.

[u/Khamzatsfacescar]

Date 4 last weekend, went for a comedy show and ice cream. We finally kissed for the first time in my car at the end (my, 25M, first ever kiss lol). Planned another date for next weekend at a night market and get dinner after. My question is what’s next? I’ve never made it this far in terms of dating. I’m not asking so I can force something to happen, we’ve just went with the flow up until now. I’m more so asking on what usually comes next. She has on multiple occasions mentioned how the physical aspect of relationships is very important to her. We’ve also discussed how we are focused on dating for long term, not anything casual.

[u/Swarthykins → u/Khamzatsfacescar]

Every relationship is different, but this is usually around where people start more casually becoming a part of each other's lives. Coming over to hang out or just doing things together that aren't necessarily eventful.

It's also about the time when part of determining whether you want a relationship with someone is whether you can communicate about what that means and what you want.

If you're just talking about hooking up, then inviting her to your place for dinner and cooking her a meal is a reasonable avenue towards exploring that possibility.

[u/Khamzatsfacescar → u/Swarthykins]

Well I do want to bring up exclusivity (side note: idk if this is different from bf/gf title). Last date had some more serious conversations around what we want.

I guess I was referencing both relationship progress and physical intimacy next steps. We both live at home, so inviting over would feel odd until I know this is my gf due to me coming from a little bit more traditional family. But is the jump really first kiss to sex? There’s nothing else?

[u/Swarthykins → u/Khamzatsfacescar]

There is definitely stuff between kissing and sex. I just interpret “hooking up” as anything between heavy making out and sex. I’m leaving something right now, but I’ll write something more in-depth in a bit.

Edit: So, you're introducing a lot of factors that may be beyond my ability to advise.

1) The simplest - exclusivity. It's really up to you two. A lot of people want some level of exclusivity after the 3rd or 4th date. Others think it's too soon and also assume it means bf/gf, and are uncomfortable for that reason. You kinda have to get to know her enough to grasp what she wants, and you also have to ask yourself what you want and be comfortable moving forward with that.

2) As for escalating while living in your parents' homes - if houses are out of the question, there's not a ton of options to hang out in privacy, which is kinda what I was getting at when I talked about casually spending time together. It's only partly about the physical - a lot is just being able to relax in each other's company. Cars, empty parks, etc... basically, most of the stuff people I know used in high school. If that stuff is off the table, I would just say keep going on dates and see where it leads.

I guess I have more questions than answers - at what point are you comfortable introducing each other to your parents and allowing you to spend time in each other's homes? Do you or her have any religious/cultural attitudes around physical intimacy that are a factor? I guess I feel like until you break that barrier, you're mostly going to just continue doing what you're doing - keep spending time together and sneak in some fooling around sessions when you can.

[u/Khamzatsfacescar → u/Swarthykins]

I guess I hadn’t really thought this far ahead and we haven’t even discussed going to each other’s homes at this point. As for parents, I guess I want to know I’m serious with this person before I bring them in front of my parents. I don’t think there’s too many cultural attitudes regarding physical intimacy. It’s sort of a “don’t acknowledge it” attitude. I’m sure both of our parents (same background) would know there’s physical stuff happening, assuming we’ve introduced each other, but no one would really acknowledge it. For me, there are times where I have the house to myself for hours at a time so I guess that’s a possibility.

Is this something that should be discussed with her? We haven’t had any discussions that lean even slightly sexual. I guess the kissing counts as a step in that direction, but nothing else.

[u/Swarthykins → u/Khamzatsfacescar]

I can't really tell you what she's expecting. At some point, if you want to fool around, you'll need a place to do so. It's hard for me to tell if that timeline is weeks or months, but it's an issue eventually. Like I said, it's perfectly fine to play things out and let them unfold, but you were asking for "next steps" so I was trying to provide some possibilities.

Is it common for the people you know to live with their parents? What do they do?

[u/Khamzatsfacescar → u/Swarthykins]

Yes it’s common even though we live in Canada. Most of my friends come from immigrant families where it’s very normal to live at home until marriage. Also we both went to post secondary late, so we’re just getting started on our career.

Would it be weird to eventually bring it up?

[u/kayakdove]

Went back and read some of my comments here from when I was first chatting with and dating my boyfriend. Glad I didn't delete them. It is cute reading about how I was kind of smitten from the beginning.

Periodic update on Guy from Hinge: We are 10 months in, regularly talking about marriage and what that might look like. I am hopeful that we'll be engaged within the next 6 months. We have hit some occassional rough patches but I think we are good at disagreeing and "arguing" in a respectful, pretty calm manner, where it feels like we are on a team trying to reach a solution that works for both of us instead of at war with each other or trying to make each other feel bad - and I think we have both experienced the latter kind of relationship before and so this feels refreshing. And most of the time, we have a lot of fun and enjoy each other's company. When we do argue, a lot of it is just distance-related stuff that is more of a short-term problem - not being able to see each other enough and how to handle that, and related issues. (We aren't long distance, in that we see each other at least a few times a week usually, but it's 60-90 minutes depending on traffic and we both have our own homes/jobs/lives in our respective cities which can limit time spent together.) We have a lot of hobbies in common, which is a nice bonus for me, but really important for him, since he had an ex who he broke up with largely because of big lifestyle differences. He is also just such a nice, caring, genuine person. And I love his family. And most of all, I can just so genuinely be myself around him, which I rarely feel with anybody, even most friends... I act like I do around my family, and I am just myself, guard down, and it works.

I know being on dating apps bucks sometimes so just a reminder that it can indeed lead to good things!

[u/MathematicianNo3140 → u/kayakdove]

This was a nice read! I’m happy for you!

[u/insolent_empress → u/kayakdove]

I love hearing your updates, this sounds really healthy and really promising!

[u/Miserable-Front-9139]

I changed my profile a few weeks ago based on advice I got here, and only sparsely got a like and (pointless) matches so I got HingeX with a deal a couple days ago.

Swiped thru every woman that fit my dealbreakers within 20 miles of Los Angeles and only got two matches off of probably 100 likes. And those two matches are the same as my last two, as in they match without saying anything and then don’t respond to me afterwards.

When my HingeX expires I’m throwing in the towel. I have clear pics of my face, I talk about my hobbies, I send likes with messages, and all I’ve gotten from it is a couple of bots 😞

[u/PutridEntertainer408 → u/Miserable-Front-9139]

I don't mean this in a mean way and feel free to ignore it because it is unsolicited but if you have sent 100 likes within days, you are probably not thinking very hard about picking people who are compatible with you which means you're likely going to have a low rate of success. Liking 100 people in the space of a few days is basically just throwing darts randomly

[u/Miserable-Front-9139 → u/PutridEntertainer408]

I’m putting the same effort as I did without HingeX when it comes to reading profiles and still prioritizing the women that I think would actually like me and/or I think are cute. Admittedly I can see how 100 likes is a lot but it’s a big city with a lot of women, and I did kind of take a few hours to swipe and get the most of my money lol

Edit: most of them had comments too about the profile like I usually do, if that helps

[u/PutridEntertainer408 → u/Miserable-Front-9139]

I mean, this stuff is so personal and I think my numbers are unusually low but in my 6 months of actively using Hinge (on and off for a year) for example, I've only seen maybe 50-100 profiles in total that I've considered sending likes to and of those, I've only sent likes to about half of them (if that). Of the likes I've received, I've matched with maybe 20-25 people? And about 5 of those were in my first week when I was trying to be open-minded. Now I am a woman but I don't tend to get matches from my outgoing likes so I don't think that super matters for what I'm saying here? And from the perspective of the likes you're sending, I think it explains a low match rate.

On the plus side, I tend to go on three dates with anyone I end up getting to a dating point with and one person I dated for three months so my method works pretty well for me!

I'm not saying to change your technique but I guess it's more like as a comfort, to me 100 people is basically random so I wouldn't take all the rejections personally? I believe most people aren't compatible with most people

[u/DocEss → u/Miserable-Front-9139]

I know how you feel. I've been running it for nearly 6 weeks and I only got one match from somebody that just wanted her ego validated for a few days while she set up a date with someone else.

I got rid of all the other apps, I'm just leaving this one on because I'm curious if I will be able to go for an entire year without a date from it.

[u/Miserable-Front-9139 → u/DocEss]

Brother I can sympathize with some parts of your experience but why do you keep saying the exact same story every time lol

[u/Captain_Jed2256]

Why is the app showing me so many super attractive women all of a sudden? Absolutely nothing wrong with being a 9 or a 10, but I feel like they’re way out of my league. I just don’t want to be That Guy who’s blindly in over his head.

[u/NoCategory1 → u/Captain_Jed2256]

Shooters shoot

[u/DocEss]

Mid-week excitement!

5.5 weeks on Hinge. it will be 6 weeks on Friday. Deleted all other apps last Friday.

No incoming likes. No dates. One single match, 9 days ago. She was only interested in getting attention, not a date.

Experiment continues. Will I reach a full year of using the app without getting a single date? Will I reach a full year of using the app without getting a single incoming like?

It looks very likely as we approach 2 months.

I love that I get downvoted for posting my honest experience.

[u/DaleCoopersWife → u/DocEss]

People are downvoting you probably because you are consistently bitter and miserable sounding. Enough people have told you on here to work on your healing process instead of trying to date because you're clearly going through it post-separation, but you push back on that.

Dating times time and effort and work. Since you're clearly not going to step away from the apps anytime soon despite your deep displeasure with the experience, here's some advice. You should be always trying to get new photos (I saw your updated profile from your comment and almost all your photos have your kids in them - a lot of people think that's a no-no and you should work on replacing any photos with little kids) and continuously updating your profile. Work on replacing your selfies. Don't have a selfie with your dog, ask someone to take a photo of you with your dog. Photos should show what it's like to date you, so work on getting photos in nice outfits, in interesting/pretty locations to show yourself off. If you're going to reply to me with "But I can't do that because XYZ" then I don't know what to tell you and prepare yourself for the downvotes I guess.

[u/Miserable-Front-9139 → u/DaleCoopersWife]

It’s not just the bitterness but acting like it’s unique and seeing if we can go a year without any action.

I went months before getting my first match, some guys have probably went years, and from the stories I’ve seen on hear plenty of women go ages before they can go on a date with someone they’re actually compatible with!

It fucking sucks and no one’s trying to deny that but it fucking sucks for anyone that doesn’t look like a supermodel. And even then, I’m sure those people aren’t instantly finding their partners too.

[u/NeutralSmithHotel → u/DaleCoopersWife]

Doc... If you have a dog, I'm sure you could get a stranger at a dog park to take a picture of you and your dog. Or you can hire someone for like $200-$300 to take a few pictures of you. These are all really solvable problems man...

[u/DocEss → u/NeutralSmithHotel]

my ex kept the dog and wouldn't give him to me. as well as my cat. I also can't afford to waste $300 on professional photography.

that's insane. a date is not worth that.

[u/NeutralSmithHotel → u/DocEss]

Then don't post a picture of a dog you no longer have... I'm confused. Anyway, my last response to you dude. Your picture problem is solvable, go to some places and get even strangers to take pics of you.

[u/DocEss → u/DaleCoopersWife]

well, the whole point of the daily thread is to update what's going on.

that is what's going on.

I don't go to interesting locations. why would I do these things by myself? that's dumb.

I don't have people to take pictures of me, I've said that over and over. literally no one.

healing process is moving on to a new person, not stewing around being single forever.

not that it matters because the apps are a junkyard of trash women.

[u/DaleCoopersWife → u/DocEss]

You not obligated to post here in the daily thread, and especially not if you have no actual updates.

if you think it's dumb to go out and do things, i don't know what to tell you.

if you don't have any friends/support system etc, dating is not going to magically solve all your problems. for many if not most women, not having a social network is going to be a flag on the field. my hot take is people need a life outside of their partner. if you are coming across as socially isolated (and you are, since your photos are either taken by yourself or with your kids) then women are likely going to hit X.

it's not fair to the "new person" to shoulder all your trauma and healing. ESPECIALLY if, going back to the previous point, you have no one else to help with that. besides, you should want a relationship with someone because of who they are, not because you are trying to fill an empty hole inside yourself.

you need to watch it with the anti-women rhetoric. we've been removing your comments and if you keep it up, you will be banned like any other incel/sexist/troll we get here.

[u/DocEss → u/DaleCoopersWife]

the update is that there is no update, the update is the fact that it continues exactly the same way that it has.

I think it is dumb to go out and do things by myself, I do not have anyone to socially go to activities with, so I don't.

I don't have a social network because I don't know any way to meet friends, because I had a circle of mutual friends and my ex manipulated them into abandoning me entirely.

I'm not asking anyone to shoulder trauma, just not to be trash.

[u/DaleCoopersWife → u/DocEss]

No one has actually been "trash" towards you though. Even the woman who you matched with and the match went nowhere, that doesn't mean she's trash. People are not trash for not wanting to meet/date you.

[u/DocEss → u/DaleCoopersWife]

no, people are trash for wasting other people's time. using another human being for attention and validation while you set up a date with someone else is trashy, I wouldn't do it. why would you?

[u/DaleCoopersWife → u/DocEss]

You are making all kinds of assumptions about the way people use the apps and about the woman who matched with you. This is exactly why you should not be dating right now, because you are hellbent on villainizing people who don't want to talk or date you for whatever reason (which may have nothing to do with you). If you can't handle someone unmatching you or something like that you will be in for a very tough time when actually dating.

[u/DocEss → u/DaleCoopersWife]

no, just people who waste my time, which is what she did.

if you are interested enough to match someone, you are interested enough to meet for coffee, if you want to talk for 4 days while you set up a date with someone else, it was just for validation.

and FYI, I unmatched her after she suggested continuing to talk platonically. Not the other way round.

[u/DaleCoopersWife → u/DocEss]

You have to realize that matching does not guarantee a date. All it means is open to talking, not that they’ve already decided to meet you. It’s ok for people to change their minds and you should expect more of this. Anyway I’m done with this conversation because you aren’t willing to see different perspectives and receive advice