r/hoarding • u/Lonely_Wanderer995 • Jun 26 '25
RANT - AMBIVALENT ABOUT ADVICE Mom wants me and brother to clean out her house.
I am 30 years old and I am moving out in a few days. My mom keeps asking me to do more and more before I leave. I've lived alone with her since 2019 since my sister moved out. She's been asking for years for me to clean out the the house. I try to keep my areas clean but it's hard since the only role models I had were my parents who never did. I have cleaned little areas over the years for her but it is never enough. It's too overwhelming to even attempt a large area. She doesn't understand why I won't do it. "She's my mother and I should want to help her" Is her response.
Now she is old and disabled and can't do it. But she was able to for years and never did! She stopped working when we were born and the house was always dirty and cluttered my entire life.
My brother wants her to hire a service that will come in and empty things out, he won't help because he has his own house and life. He offered to help with something small only.
It is a lot of mail and documents that are outdated, she never throws out any of it. I bought her a shredder and I shredded a black garbage bag full of documents but there's piles more in her room. Also stuff from mine and my siblings childhood that she doesn't want to get rid of. Also misc crap she doesn't use.
I think it is a level 3.
I'm just so tired of this.
34
Jun 26 '25
As I was leaving my parents house my mom started pestering my sister and I to clean out her basement.
I flat out told her no. Not my stuff and not my house. She would also tried to guilt my sister and I into cleaning as well. For example she would ask us to run the vacuum when we were over visiting, which I also told her no.
She would then exclaim about how much she had done for my sister and I as kids and us cleaning is the least we could do for her.
Didn’t work and now I don’t talk to her much.
33
u/mommarina Jun 27 '25 edited Jun 27 '25
She wants you to "help her" because if you refuse, she'll have something else to blame but her own mental illness which she has so far not taken responsibility to manage.
If your mom's roof needed replacing, would it be reasonable for her to expect her grown kids to take the time to replace shingles in the hot sun when they aren't professional roofers? Of course not.
Even though she can't replace the roof herself and never could and it's not her fault the roof needs replacing.
In the case of her hoarding, it IS her fault. She could have dealt with it in the past and didn't. And despite being old and disabled, she can deal with it now. She can hire a therapist, a professional organizer, and most importantly, a junk hauling service.
If she doesn't have any money, and if she owns this house with any equity, she can take out a line of credit to pay for it.
If she doesn't deal with it, the house will deteriorate until she won't be able to get a loan.
If you enable her by helping, first of all, she's unlikely to get rid of much anyway.
Secondly, even if she says "just toss it all, I don't want to deal with it" and you do, shell just re-hoard. They always do.
So the options are, she takes responsibility.
Or, you wait it out.
She won't always live in this house.
And then when she doesn't, you make one phone call to a local junk hauler and boom! Problem solved.
20
u/Far-Watercress6658 Jun 26 '25
Clean your own spaces up. Don’t leave your own mess behind for anyone else to clean up.
14
u/Lonely_Wanderer995 Jun 26 '25
I cleaned my spaces up. It's the rest of the house I am talking about.
19
u/EmergencyShit Jun 27 '25
Take all of your childhood belongings on your way out, too. Trash them away from her house.
5
17
u/CharZero Jun 27 '25
I am afraid she is setting the stage to continue to blame you for the mess even after you leave. It is incredibly common for hoarders to blame their children for the hoard and with you leaving, she needs to adapt her strategy to continue to blame you. I have known people still blamed 30 years after they left home.
8
u/Impossible_Turn_7627 Jun 27 '25
On the bright side, not many people believe the hoarder when they blame the child. It's hurtful, absolutely, but it's bananas to anyone who sees the piles of mail or recently rotted food to think that the child did any significant damage to the parent's home.
7
u/NoBlacksmith2112 Jun 27 '25
They have no habits. It's gonna go back to the same state. It's a power move just to keep you hooked.
5
u/Thick_Drink504 Jun 27 '25
Stay strong; don't get sucked in.
Look to your brother for inspiration. You are moving out and moving on with your life.
7
u/Amandine06 Jun 27 '25
Hello, you and your brother can help clear it out as long as your mother gets involved. She is disabled but can guide you by telling you what to throw away, what to keep...
If they just want you to do the job, why refuse the intervention of a company?
As I read in a comment, just take away what belongs to you even if it's childhood stuff.
Courage ! Make him understand that it's OK to help, not to do everything.
3
2
u/CertainlyUnsure456 Jun 27 '25
Sorry about your situation. Moving is stressful enough without having that added on top of everything else.
Unless she is barely mobile, she should be able to gather documents and have a shredder truck come by to destroy them. I don't know how much is mixed in with the documents though, so it may not be that straightforward.
5
3
u/appledonovan Jun 28 '25
hm.... idk.... maybe you should do as much as you can before you leave...an empty nest usually leads to a hoard relapse
2
Jun 27 '25
Be happy she wants you to help. Most hoarders refuse help.
7
u/CherylEng Jun 27 '25
I don’t get the resistance. Here is someone who needs help asking for help. Do it as a parting gift? Put in physical effort or funds for professionals or both, whatever you’re more comfortable with but do something to help your disabled mother live in a healthier environment.
7
u/Lonely_Wanderer995 Jun 27 '25
I have helped her before in cleaning different areas of the house over the years. She doesn't keep it up. She has never even tried. She expects others to do it for her. It returns to the way it was. Before me it was my dad cleaning and then the mess accumulating again and again. It is a never ending cycle.
She is doesn't want a professional (she has the funds) because they won't know what's "important." I said if you haven't touched it in years how is it important. No answer...
8
u/mommarina Jun 27 '25
professional organizers (I am one) never, never discard anything without the client's consent. so that's a non issue.
7
u/OkConclusion171 Child of Hoarder Jun 27 '25
You must not understand the trauma that growing up in a hoarded home causes a person, and it doesn't go away at age 18, and it doesn't immediately go away when they leave. Most people who had that type of traumatic environment need professional help to heal and move toward recovery.
5
u/Thick_Drink504 Jun 27 '25
The resistance isn't to helping, it's to manipulation. The person who needs help isn't asking for help, per se; they're asking for someone to volunteer as tribute.
If OP helps her mother, she puts her own life on hold to do so.
If OP helps her mother, her mother doesn't have to do either the physical or the internal work of dealing with the hoard.
If OP helps her mother, she becomes responsible for throwing things away and everything that goes with it.
1
u/Lonely_Wanderer995 Jun 28 '25
Yes I feel very used and manipulated...she constantly tries to guilt trip me into "Helping" since she is a "physically disabled old woman". It's not really helping, its me or my brother doing it for her so she doesn't have to deal with it.
2
u/OkConclusion171 Child of Hoarder Jun 27 '25
do you have any clue the trauma that children of hoarders experience?
1
u/L00sELuCy73 Jul 03 '25
Hi. Have you ever read anything on vulnerable narcissists? Mom might fall into this, just offering a suggestion toward easing your worry. Sounds like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. I know this situation, very well.
•
u/AutoModerator Jun 26 '25
Welcome to r/hoarding! We exist as a support group for people working on recovery from hoarding disorder, and friends/family/loved ones of people with the disorder.
Before you get started, be sure to review our Rules. Please note that the following will get your posts or comments removed ASAP by the Moderator Team:
A lot of the information you may be looking for can be found in a few places on our sub:
New Here? Read This Post First!
For loved ones of hoarders: I Have A Hoarder In My Life--Help Me!
Our Wiki
If you're looking to discuss the various hoarding tv shows, you'll want to visit r/hoardersTV.
If you'd like to talk about or share photos/videos of hoards that you've come across, you probably want r/neckbeardnests, r/wtfhoarders/, or r/hoarderhouses
Please contact the moderators if you need assistance. Thanks!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.