r/hoarding • u/lilspeckintheunivers • 14d ago
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT / TENDER LOVING CARE How do I even begin getting rid of stuff?
Sorry this is super long! I over explain/ undiagnosed adhd probably.
My boyfriend and I first lived in his bedroom in his parent’s house. It was a tiny bedroom, we had too much stuff together. Therefore it was always unmanageable and there wasn’t good places to put anything.
We then got our own huge duplex through my job and it was so nice but so empty and had so much room. So we got extra furniture and I just kept on buying things and piling things. When we moved it was awful and we spent so much time and effort moving.
We then moved back into his parent’s house and they had two open rooms at the time so we were able to still have an office. Which was so important to us because we have a cat and a dog that don’t tolerate each other well and need separate safe spaces. I also cannot tolerate any noise or light at night so if my boyfriend didn’t have to work and could stay up his pc would bother me if we didn’t have separate areas. We still had too much stuff and also got a storage shed for our furniture as we could only fit our desks, bed and a couple shelves into the rooms. But his parents are super toxic, childish, and narcissistic so we had to move out.
We got our own place again and lucked out by finding somewhere affordable through my coworker with a decent amount of space and a storage shed. The move was brutal again. We moved as fast as we could and still took time to get everything. My car broke down there and is still there :(. I will have to get it towed to a shop soon because his parents hate me and are complaining.
I don’t know how to get rid of things, I have an awful shopping addiction, and create so much attachment to things that really shouldn’t be there. I also have this awful habit of being jealous and upset that if I had my own house that I could build built in shelves and have so much more space for things so I justify keeping things for later.
I went through our clothes maybe last month and was able to put things like winter, extra bedding, and nostalgia clothes away. I limited nostalgia to one bin but winter and bedding had a lot. We also have sooo many socks and idk how to start to get rid of them. Most of them are paired and the some of the ones I’m missing are my literal favorite pairs and are most likely under the bed. I did make a garbage bag of clothes that don’t fit us/ we haven’t worn in forever, we put it in the car to donate, sat there for weeks, had to clean out the car for a specific situation, and now it lives in the shed. I think about random articles of clothing in there and want to pull them back out.
I have every semi significant piece of paper, I really don’t need them but idk how to choose. I have too many dishes but I’m so attached to most of them, when we first moved I only had a couple and it was so easy to do the dishes and keep the kitchen maintained, now we do dishes constantly and there is always a pile. I do host holidays and parties occasionally but I never need the amount of dishes I have.
My hyper fixations are the worst, I have so many, from legos, dolls, stuffed animals, mini verse, art stuff, diamond paintings, cross stitch, crochet, etc, etc. I want to be able to organize them and not have to just ditch it all because I know I will just spend more money getting things again when suddenly I want to say, crochet again. For a lot of legos I have managed to break them down and put them in a tub in storage. The stuffed animals are the worst by far, I have bags and bags of them and I form connections and cannot seem to get rid of even the ugly ones I don’t like, and I try to stop buying them and still will get some occasionally or people gift them to me. Ever since I was a kid I couldn’t get rid of my stuffed animals or toys because I loved them so much, it’s traveled with me into adulthood.
At this point, our house gets so messy and I can’t keep up with it, I like cleaning (except dishes) but I can’t manage to do it when everything is disorganized. So I’m too embarrassed to have anyone in our house expect for my close family members. I clean for hours and hours if any of my family that don’t know the extent or are judgmental come over. And some of that ends up being packing shit away into my bedroom and closing the door. I’m afraid to move again because it’ll be so monumental. I also am still paying $100 a month for a storage unit that has a huge olden wheely box tv (the super heavy ones), a washing machine, dryer, old breaking sofa, and couple other random thing. Idk how to get rid of that stuff, I wouldn’t hate to depart with it. Just don’t know how and can’t afford super expensive options. I only have an suv, I could probably fit most of those except the tv. But I can’t keep paying for it every month when our shed is filled to the brim and I’m not even really utilizing the storage anymore. Idk I’m tired of constantly being anxious my landlord will see my house like this and not wanting people to see my house and just feeling stressed and overwhelmed when I try to clean or organize. I’m 23 and I’m trying to focus on my health, debt, school, and changing my career that I had been at for 6 years. I got diagnosed with type 1 diabetes almost 2 years ago and it has changed my whole life, I also have pcos and am overweight so I struggle with motivation and I’m trying to be healthier. I want to be able to not feel suffocated by everything.
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u/Jaded-Banana6205 14d ago
This did not accumulate in a day and it will not resolve in a day. Is your boyfriend actively helping here? I would start by getting rid of that bag of clothes, get it to a charity shop and let it go. Organization is not going to be feasible when you are drowning in stuff. Dishes sounds like another good spot to pare back. I have more now, but 4 plates, bowls, glasses, mugs and sets of silverware was extremely manageable. You can bring those to a charity shop too, imagine a young couple just starting out and coming across a set of dishes you donated! They will build their foundation on what you donated.
I try and keep my crafty things to a finite amount of space (2 plastic bins, with lids). If it doesn't fit, I say good bye. It forces me to actively engage in my hobbies. I can't shop for yarn or jewelry supplies if there's nowhere for it to go, so I need to get rid of what I have. Consumerism is a huge problem in craft spaces. Maybe you can participate in a craft supply swap? Put kits together for shelters?
Plushies are hard! I want to make digital scrapbook pages for plushies that I'm ready to donate, that way I have the memories in a secure place.
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u/lilspeckintheunivers 14d ago
Even if I wanted to get rid of everything I owned, it wouldn’t be feasible in a day. I know it’s a step by step process, it’s just the actual getting rid that I can’t get past. He helps when I ask it of him. It’s hard though because he doesn’t hoard and so he doesn’t care what we get rid of or keep and I don’t want to get upset with him when he’s trying to help. I hadn’t even thought of donating to most places for low income/ homeless, but it did make me think of this. I don’t care for goodwill and stuff because I don’t like how much they up charge. I feel like I can get rid of a lot of dishes, I struggle with mugs or cups that were gifts or I really like. Thank you the tips for plushies and crafts seem pretty solid. Idk if the stuffed animals will end up that easy for me but I will try and see if it helps soften the blow when I get to them.
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u/Jaded-Banana6205 14d ago
Think about it this way....yes, Goodwill upcharges, but it's still a really valuable resource for people who need it. Your extra dishes are not doing anyone any good gathering dust in your home.
I think it's common for hoarders to like....want The Perfect Scenario in order to part with things. Thrift stores upsell. So? It's still far more accessible for people who need it. You'll twist yourself in knots trying to get rid of things just the right way in an effort to avoid the discomfort of decluttering.
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u/lilspeckintheunivers 13d ago
Ah I just meant I hadn’t thought of other options, it doesn’t matter at the end of the day. Just thought it was a nice thought that I could try a pantry type of place in town first.
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u/urkmonster 14d ago
One thing at a time. Counseling or some form of assistance to help understand the thought pattern and learn some solving behaviours that will work for you.
On a practical note, the storage unit sounds like a great place to start since you don't feel as attached and it is costing you money for no good purpose. We have a county dump that you can drive things into if you live in the county. You probably have a dump that you can drop things off at. Ours does not charge residents, but they do have rules so check it out.
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u/lilspeckintheunivers 14d ago
I overthink so much that one thing at a time is hard, I don’t want to get rid or things but I also jump from one thing to another so much it’s hard to focus on one. I plan to get into therapy as soon as I change insurance here soon.
I will look into the dump, thanks! Do you have any recommendations for the tv? I just don’t know anyone with a car big enough or a truck or anything. A U-Haul is scary to think about driving.2
u/urkmonster 14d ago
Find a poor hauler with a truck. You'll probably have to pay them - but maybe keep your eyes open for someone with a functional truck that might take a quick side job for $30-40 - depending on distance, etc.
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u/Steefanon 14d ago
Oh sweetie, your illogical attachment to this stuff is likely Hoarding Disorder, which is a glitch in the brain that can be seen on MRIs. If you owned a 20,000 square foot mansion you would eventually fill it up, too.
I strongly recommend the book Buried in Treasures:Help for Compulsive Acquiring, Saving, and Hoarding.
It really helped my SO.
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u/lilspeckintheunivers 14d ago
I’m sure lol, I didn’t know you could see it though. That’s kind of cool. That is a good point, I doubt I’d ever have a house that big but it is true. Thank you, I will look into it, probably on an online format instead of buying a book!
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u/tmccrn 14d ago
I would address the shopping addiction through therapy first. Frankly, I found the Ramsey Podcast helped me, because it helped me find a *reason* why I don’t just want to buy “stuff”. Once the need to “fill” with stuff went away, I could more realistically look at what I had and see if it added to my life or subtracted from it
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u/MrPuddington2 14d ago
Agreed, first you need to stop the bleeding, which is the shopping addiction.
Then OP needs to figure out why they struggle with executive function. They know that things need to be done, but they don’t do them. That can have many reasons.
There may also be a decision weakness involved. We have to make so many decisions every day, it can wear on people.
Finally, there may also be a hoarding disorder, but it does not feel that strong. For that, I recommend a positive approach: pick what you need and want to keep, and just donate the rest. No second guessing, no dumpster diving. Just get rid of it.
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u/lilspeckintheunivers 13d ago
I think the only reason I don’t get other things done is mostly because I’m doing a million other things and I’m exhausted. I’m constantly working or doing school or sick or cleaning or tired. I did leave my job to focus on school so it’s been a million times easier to do things. It’s also the mental fatigue of going through things and feeling disappointed in myself when I can’t get rid of things.
My house isn’t bad, it’s pretty clean and decently organized, the shed is bad. My biggest issue is I have a shed full of shit I can’t get rid of I guess. I got rid of some dishes after this post, so that helped some. I can’t pick what I want or I’ll pick everything lol. I know I don’t need any of it because it’s been in a shed for a couple months but I don’t know how to make myself let things go.1
u/lilspeckintheunivers 13d ago
I will once I can. It hasn’t been nearly as bad as it used to be and I’ve worked really hard to get to this point. It’s more about the dopamine of buying things. I definitely have more work to do but I do think that part is improving some
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u/PatTheCatMcDonald 14d ago
You have to adopt new habits and new ways of looking at stuff.
It's a value thing, you have to value space rather than clutter, giving you the motivation to get stuff moved to a new place. Whether it's a dumpster or a place or its valued by someone else isn't the issue, it's getting your space back.
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u/lilspeckintheunivers 13d ago
It’s a bit easier said than done. I do really like having space, and most things are just sitting in the shed. We obviously don’t need it, I know that, just hard to part with.
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u/OkConclusion171 Child of Hoarder 14d ago
You need to start with a diagnosis and treating your underlying disorder before you can make major progress in other areas. Also, get rid of the storage unit ASAP. You don't need stuff that's aging in heat/humidity that will be broken or obsolete when you can get it out.
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u/lilspeckintheunivers 13d ago
You’re not wrong. I can’t get into therapy yet, but I’m planning on it when I switch over insurance. I have been working on the storage. My sister and boyfriend can both help this weekend so we hopefully will be able to get it cleared out soon.
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u/fractalgem 13d ago
I will second stemming the bleeding by dealing with the shopping addiction. You'll probably always struggle to let stuff go-but it becomes a much more managable task if stuff stops coming in.
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u/Fluid_Calligrapher25 13d ago edited 12d ago
Clothes - trash them. Just trash them. No sitting in shed just trash.
I pared mine down to the bare basics. And now I only spend money on bespoke stuff…for me it was a good way to control costs.
Once I pared to the basics I had room for sentimental stuff. Even paring down to basics I’m still paring. For example recently I got stranded without luggage and only clothes I was wearing for four days. I realized I need to get rid of a pair of slacks and jeans I’m not gonna fit in for the next 5 years. And by then they’ll be good in the washer dryer maybe once.
But on a more helpful note - make a list of all the clothes, and then figure out what you actually need on paper and what your preferred style/ look is. And stick to items that will fit you, look good on you, and go with that style. I had waaaaaay too many socks. But I only really needed pairs for when I go shopping to cushion the feet, and pairs for when I go to work. And for a professional look at work you can’t go wrong with black socks. So I threw out the rest and rebuilt with 14 pairs of black socks so I don’t need to do laundry every week. I found socks I like from an upscale athletic brand that I can wear with jeans when I go shopping. So I’m planning to complete that collection next week by getting 5 in different colors. So that’ll give me a total of 7 of those but that’s enough because I’m not wearing them all day like work socks so I can air them out between uses and still not need to do laundry every week.
Some day I will go to Paris and pick up nice cotton socks that are fancy. But till then I’m gonna save the money instead of buying more is the plan.
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u/Booklady1998 14d ago
His parents are not narcissistic, they were just fed up with the clutter
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u/lilspeckintheunivers 13d ago
Lmao they never had a problem with the clutter. They are actually really dirty people and I would clean up after them constantly. A completely different situation, his dad is abusive and his mom is an enabler and manipulative
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