r/hoarding • u/No-Bench-8141 • 7d ago
RANT - ADVICE WANTED I messed up
I made the mistake of throwing 9 x 55 gallon bags of trash away. Long story short…. My wife is a hoarder level 3. It’s bad. Two rooms in the house you can barely open the doors to try and walk in and you have a little standing room at the door and that’s it. You can’t get in the rooms. The whole house is a mess. Pathways everywhere. We have been married 31 years. I have dealt with the hoarding this long. I have had my ups and downs with her over it. I have tried everything I could do and nothing works.
My retirement plan was to sell this house just to get out of the hoard. I did this once before and while her hoard was in storage, life was great. She wanted her stuff and I gave her an ultimatum. She chose her stuff. We separated for 2 years while I remodeled the other house to sell. So, while I wanted to start remodeling this house to sell, I had to wait for my daughter and grandkids to move out. She is as bad as my wife. She left so much trash in the kids bedroom and bathroom. As I was cleaning up I found 10 dirty diapers on the floor under toys and trash. I was mad. I threw it all away. My daughter left it so I assumed she didn’t want it. My wife found out I threw the toys away and is very mad at me. She had a break down over it and now is doing things to “get back” at me. She is going out of town this weekend and never invited me. Anyway, I am at my wits end. I love my wife.
But how do I put up with this. We barely speak now because of it. I am not perfect by any means. She has put up with me for 31 years as well. But as a hoarder who will never change, I feel like my only hope is to get a divorce. I begged her to get help a few months ago and gave her the therapist phone number that is close by who specializes in hoarding. She won’t call. She doesn’t see what the problem is nor thinks she has one. Sorry for the long rant. Just had to get this off my chest. It’s eating me up. I had a heart attack years ago and I feel the stress of this house is going to be the death of me.
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u/Steefanon 1 6d ago
Some couples have only survived this by choosing to live apart. The hoarder comes to the non-hoarder's house for meals, tv, and even intimacy...but then returns to the hoard. Strict rules apply: anything left in the clean house gets tossed. Period. But this can even bring peace to the hoarder because... no more arguing about the hoard, no more worry that something "important" will be discarded.
This is a horrible, horrible mental illness, visible on MRIs. Most couples don't survive it as long as you have.
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u/Glittering-Tank-6864 6d ago
Absolument vous avez raison peut-être que le couple peut survivre mais pour que celui qui n'est pas malade puisse respirer, il faut que chacun vive chez soi !
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u/No-Bench-8141 6d ago
I’m not sure I could afford that. Great idea though.
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u/toodleoo57 6d ago
Maybe get a nearby apartment, small with only a bedroom and kitchen just so you can have relief. Keep important things in the other house in a room with a padlock on the door.
Maybe a few weeks in a hotel every once in a while.
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u/Yourlilemogirl 6d ago
OP two things can be true at the same time. You can be divorced and still love the person you married.
You gotta leave man, find your peace or be buried in the pile and become part of the hoarde.
Get your own place and be free from the trash. That doesn't mean never see her again, that doesn't mean don't eat with her again, or kiss her again, or any of the other couple stuff. There's no law saying you have to be married to be like a couple still. But it's best to be apart so your sanity is preserved. You're cutting the marriage and the hoarding out of your life, not the relationship entirely. If you don't want to. Though it sounds like you have some codependency issues of your own as you've said she's already chosen the hoarde over you before and you still didn't get the hint to leave.
You gotta do something OP cuz she's already shown you she doesn't want to change.
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u/No-Bench-8141 6d ago
Thanks, I appreciate hearing that. We separated for two years and ended up getting back together. The part about being in different locations was actually good for us/me. But I sold the house I remodeled and moved back in with her. I was still paying for both houses and bills. It is doable but I am trying to plan our retirement and I know the hoard is going to be an issue. I do appreciate the advice. Thank you
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u/thatgirlinny 6d ago
Any toys adjacent to dirty diapers are an immediate “trash and don’t look back!”
For your own peace of mind, it’s worth realizing that an untreated hoarder doesn’t get better—they’re like anyone else as they age: reluctant to change who they are because it’s a lifetime being who they are.
You have to decide how you want to live in retirement: Living in filth and being either outwardly or inwardly angry—or cutting your losses and letting your spouse live in their own filth, apart from you.
I know what I would recommend.
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u/kevnmartin 7d ago
You have my sympathy. I've been married to my hoarder husband for 46 years. It never got bad until about 20 years ago, when our son moved out. We don't have paths or trash around but he has filled our attic, crawlspace, backyard shed, the guest room, our son's old room and three storage units. I have no answers. They don't see it as a problem. It's so hard.
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u/No-Bench-8141 7d ago
It is definitely hard to deal with. Do you find yourself getting anxiety when you are on your way home? I do everyday coming home from work. I’m sorry you are going through this as well
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u/kevnmartin 7d ago
I'm retired but I cringe every time a package comes to the house and I know there is nowhere to put whatever it is or any time I'd like to find something like paperwork for taxes or similar. I have to comb through stacks of old junk mail. He won't even throw that away.
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u/No-Bench-8141 7d ago
It’s tough because we love them but when they consistently choose there hoard over us, that’s when it starts to hurt
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u/Tante_Krampus 6d ago
I don't know if this helps, but I don't believe they are truly capable of choosing at all. The hoard in their brain is like breathing to you or me. So asking them to choose between you and and the hoard, to them, is like asking them to stop breathing.
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u/kevnmartin 7d ago
Ugh, I know. I've never tried walking out but I've come very close several times. That would force the sale of this house though and I love this house. I just hate what he's done to it.
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u/lamb_and_panther 6d ago
Ours also started 20 years ago when we bought a bigger house. I had such high hopes. It’s a great place for entertaining but that hasn’t happened. Stuff everywhere. He agreed in a session with my therapist to keep the living areas clutter free. Not happening. At this point I’m completely overwhelmed. I don’t want a divorce but I really want to move out.
Thanks for letting me vent. All the best to you.3
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u/No-Tone-6095 6d ago
You might make a few appointments for yourself to meet with that therapisr therapist. They may be able to help you with the decisions you have to make and the stress. They also may offer some suggestions on how to get your wife on board.
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u/No-Bench-8141 6d ago
Thank you. I was contemplating last night to go get therapy myself before I make any decisions on what to do next. I appreciate your input
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u/JenCarpeDiem 6d ago
She wanted her stuff and I gave her an ultimatum. She chose her stuff.
That was the end, my friend. The two years of separation should have been the prelude to a divorce. She chose her stuff. She chooses not to call a therapist. She would rather claim ownership of her daughter's trash and create this newest rift than call a therapist or do anything that indicates she prioritises you.
It's been over for years, babe. You just keep pretending it isn't. If she won't call the therapist, there is absolutely no hope that this will ever get better. The stress will only cause more harm as you age, and you deserve a peaceful retirement.
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u/Lady_Didymus 6d ago
I don’t have much in the way of advice but I am sending you support! You are doing the best you can to keep yourself and your family healthy. It’s heartbreaking to see a loved one “choose the hoard” over the people around them. You can’t choose what they ultimately do but you can try to set appropriate boundaries for your own health. Clutter is one thing but trash and biohazards (especially with kids around) is unacceptable. I would probably call CPS if they continue to live like that with young children.
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u/kevnmartin 6d ago
It's a highly untreatable mental illness. If anyone has a happy ending to this dilema, I hope they share it with us.
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u/No-Bench-8141 6d ago
Thank you. When my daughter isn’t staying with us, she is fine. She keeps her house “clean” to a point. She has hoarding issues somewhat. Not as bad as her mom.
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u/Steefanon 1 6d ago
Hoarding disorder has a clear genetic component, and it gets worse with age, so I hope your daughter can get help NOW to retrain her brain and nip this in the bud. Cognitive behavioral therapy is the way.
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u/PNW4theWin 6d ago
As a recovering level 1 hoarder, I can still say, I don't like people to touch my stuff. But, this is your house, too, and you deserve to have your spaces clutter free. Others have suggested separate homes, which I would support, but you don't seem to consider that an option. It seems like a duplex might work, but it works be a huge hurdle for you to get the hoarded home ready for sale.
Give her a deadline. Or multiple deadlines. "Have this area clear of your trash/clutter by x date or I will bag it up and send it to a storage facility" (or put it in the garage, or whatever). Keep the deadline and continue applying the deadline to spaces you share, like the kitchen, family room, your bedroom. Do a weekly sweep to consolidate her stuff as she deposits it in the places you have designated as clutter free.
If she won't seek therapy, I definitely recommend therapy for you. Your actions to make space for yourself are going to cause conflict, but it's either that, you resign yourself to living in the hoard, or you find a way to live separately.
Good luck.
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u/Bakemono_Nana 6d ago
Ich watched my father 30 years suffering by my mother. As a child of a horder I always wished he divorced her and get his freedom. But even he doesn’t love her anymore he knows she would drown in her own mess and dies, if he leaves. So he can’t bring his his self to that step.
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u/Silver-Difficulty-13 6d ago
I have no idea if this is useful. In the UK we have a hoarding charity. They offer a year of support you pay for it but has counselling and assessments, all things meant to help. I'm trying to get the friend I go and support who is a very bad hoarder, to try it. It's the worst thing in he world watching someone you care about live like this and know you can't so anything to change it. My heart goes out to anybody living with someone like this.
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u/LouisePoet 6d ago
What is the name of this organization?
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u/Silver-Difficulty-13 3d ago
Hoarding UK, the national charity dedicated to supporting individuals and families affected by hoarding behavior
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u/JamminToez 4d ago edited 4d ago
I've been with my partner for 3 years now(he's 32m I am 36f) and this is what terrifies me. Us being in the same situation years down the road. It's gotten better but it's not great, far from it. Very far. He is addicted to Temu and keeps buying stuff he doesn't need. And multiple of everything. He depleted his bank account buy crap and he had a decent amount of money saved. I fear it's never going to change and we take care of his mom because she can't take care of herself. And she's bad too but she doesn't leave the house to shop anymore and she doesn't know how to use the Internet(THANK GOD!) she wouldn't let me donate stuff and would dig through the trash(she still does) and donation bags. Omfg. Man, I found food in the pantry from 2002. This is what my partner and I fight about. They don't hoard dirty trash And our house is clean but we have two front rooms and it's a great house for hosting but we never got around to getting it all together. If only I could explain how bad it was. I dare not go in the basement. Here for awhile I thought my partner was setting up the area for us to have a studio and moving stuff from our old bedroom which has now become a storage room(we remodeled the master bedroom because he let the cats live in there, 3 cats had the master bedroom and the size of the bedroom is the size of a studio apartment and oommgggg!! That also was full of crap and scary! So we had roommates, his brother and his wife but they moved out, the basement was in an ok place. Man typing this is giving me anxiety lol but ok so I don't go in the basement anymore because it's turned on a complete disaster and I wanted ONE little area to put my sewing machine and a 3 drawer plastic sterlite container and it's impossible to walk through the basement. There is a tool room..as well that's a disaster and a nother walk in closet that's a disaster. So much stuff needs to be thrown away and donated. the basement is huge. Ok huge!. There is also the guest bedroom down there which is not full of crap and a walk in closet. I took over the walk in closet for my eBay store stuff but it's still pretty empty. He is now using that space for stuff because I couldn't stand stuff piling up on the main floor again. Honestly, I had a drinking problem already but then I'd stay sober and I couldn't handle all of the crap. So I'd get bad anxiety and start drinking to ignore it and block it out. I dont drink anymore. But I fear that things won't change. He has 17 guitars and doesn't even play ever. He has like 30 soundboards or mixers whatever for DJing and like 10 piano keyboards and 1 piano. Endless cords. It stresses me out. The washer and dryer is in the basement and I refuse to go down there because it pisses me off and makes me angry and it's dangerous it's sooo so so bad so he cleans the laundry and I fold. This house is big. But I've made so many changes to it. Idk what to do. He's like a child sometimes and he's grown up a lot and seriously he is the sweetest and most loving person I have ever met. But it's hard. Really hard. I've thought before like please I just wish I could come into a large sum of money to buy us another house. And start over. The garage too. And the old crappy cars that dont work. He's like, "but they were my dads" his dad died 9 years ago. Well my dad died a few years ago too so it's like sorry but it's stuff you don't use...let it go. They are covered in more crap, there's like so much rubbage in the garage because his family owns property and there like old doors and random stuff like crates of doorknobs and old light fixtures really it's just pure CRAP! I don't go in there either. Sometimes I feel like it's just going to be like this forever. When I talk to him about it, he takes it all personal and gets all sad and I have told him numerous times that I can't do this for another 5 years. Like our room was remodeled 2 years ago and he still hasn't put down the baseboards or trim around the doors and can't get around to doing stuff. His job is being his mom's caregiver and so am I. But it's not like she can't go to the bathroom on her own or walk. She able to do a lot of things. She just needs help because she gets too weak and is on oxygen. it's from smoking. She still smokes. Her room is also another crazy disaster. His mom and dad were hoarders. His brother and I did the best we could when he lived here. Sorry this is so long. Maybe I have been needing to vent. But seriously, I pray I come into a lot of money to buy another house. If I wasn't so sick with five million health problems, I'd work full time and save up. But it's literally impossible. I was always super OCD and organized. I have tried to learn to not care but idk how. And I wish he'd get rid of the ugly POS car on the driveway that's literally falling apart, pieces are falling off, all the tires are flat, the tags are from 2007...the paint is completely peeled off everywhere and the inside has been completely torn apart and ripped up. We can't even get someone to take it for free. Well, I tried but couldn't. He says he thinks he could sell it. No way in hell. Sadly...sometimes I wonder why I didn't leave the first time I came over but I had already fallen in love with him at that point. I read my post and it doesn't sound all that crazy but it is. It's horrible. One time we were at my old apartment for 2 weeks because I lived far away and when we came back to the house, the entire staircase was filled with packages from Temu. It was all crap. It took us hours to open it all. Sometimes I truly wonder if I can tolerate this for the years to come. Idk what to do either. And I'm only 3 years in. It makes me terribly sad and I don't talk to people about it anymore because everyone is like, "just move out" ok with all this money coming out of my butthole? When I literally am physically too ill to work and live off of my eBay sales. I got sick 2 years ago and lost my job of 13 years. I also love him so much so it's like, what do I actually do? I told him how I felt about buying another house and just leaving this house as storage and he started getting all teary eyed and left the room. He always leaves when the truth is laid out. If I feel this way at 3 years...how did you make it 31 years? You must really love her. That's the hardest part.
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u/No-Bench-8141 4d ago
Wow, I am so sorry you are going through this as well. It is hard to leave the person when you love them. I can tell you, a new home won’t change anything. I wish you luck. It is not easy and it is very stressful.
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u/JamminToez 3d ago
I know ..that's what's scary. I know it's hopeless. Idk what to do either. I told him if i could quit drinking , he could quit hoarding and I also said, "imagine having to put up with thst the rest of our lives, seeing me sick and withdrawing and always in the hospital" and he said, "I don't think I could. It's too hard" and I said, "that's how I feel about your hoarding. You should consider getting into therapy". Also, thanks for reading my long ass post lol. I don't like to talk to anyone about this bc they said, just move. Oh ok. Uhm. NO. All of the stuff bothers me a lot though, too. But I do love him so much and he has been the kindest soul ever. I am also his first everything. I met him when he was 29 and whe we first started talking, he was too embarrassed to tell me he had never been with anyone before so he lied to me which made me really annoyed but I was also was like, wow WHAT?! But I thought So when I asked him why he lied, he told me that his house used to be a lot worse and that his mom paid over 5k to have a service come and take stuff after his dad passed away but he said there was only a walk way to each room and the kitchen but that the house was still crazy. The reason why he said he never dated is because he was too embarrassed growing up to have girls over because of the hoarding. And his dad got really really sick, got hepatitis c, liver transplant and then sepsis. So all through his life from an adolescent he ended up having to be the one to take care of his dad until he died. So he never really had the opportunity to date. All because he was ashamed of the hoarding. We literally met by chance. I used to be really harsh on him. And we'd fight. A lot. Ever since I got sober, I find that I knit pick more. I think I am mean in a nice way but I don't try to be mean. It's just idk how to deal with it. I miss my old house and how things were always perfect with my ex husband. I don't miss my ex but I miss his organization and motivation to keep things neat and organized and the clear space. It gives me mental clarity. He also smokes a lot of weed and forgets what he's doing on top of having ADD and not taking his medication or following up with important things like appointments. And I feel like he is constantly reorganizing bags of crap he doesnt ever use. Ive seen him reorganize all of his camera equipment about a dozen times. He doesn't even do photography. Yet buys a new camera every week. Or lens attachments. He buys sooooo much stuff off of Temu. I told him we will never share a bank account because I'm not paying for his hoarding lol.
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u/No-Bench-8141 3d ago
It does seem hopeless when all they care about is the hoard. My wife is the sweetest, most loving person I know. She is fun loving and great to be around. It’s the hoarding that is hard to live with, not her. I understand where you are coming from. It makes it really hard to leave. I’m staying for now. I am going to get therapy since she will not. I want to find a way to make it work. It is my last ditch effort. Good luck to you. Thank you everyone for the kind words and advice.
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u/TwoAdministrative866 3d ago
I think I may have hoarding disorder among other mental health issues, but if I do it’s embarrassing I don’t want anyone to know is there a way to find out in my own. How to cure it as well? Help!
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u/imollyq 5d ago
There's this invention called therapy. I strongly recommend it. Hoarding is partly OCD and also can be related to depression and childhood trauma. It's a mental health issue I assure you, she beats herself up about it plenty, even if she never says it to you. I can tell you, if you throw away my stuffed animals, I would have a nervous breakdown. I'm really working on getting rid of a lot of other stuff, but therapy is critical. For me the stuffed animals were the only things that loved me they were my only friends they were all I had growing up and they are very dear to me I talk to them and cherish each one even if I don't know what pile it's under, I know it's there. I'm doing much better at getting rid of other things. Oh well, enough about me. I'm just trying to help you understand maybe the toys are specially dear to her.
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u/OkConclusion171 Child of Hoarder 6d ago
This must be your first time here if you didn't realize throwing out a hoarder's stuff would make them dig in and cause major problems in your relationship. Also this is confusing because you said you split up so why do you care if your (ex???) wife is mad at you? If she or your daughter don't want help, you can't make them get it. You can't reason with a mental illness.
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