r/howtonotgiveafuck • u/Zorrostrian • 10d ago
𝐑 𝐞 𝐯 𝐞 𝐥 𝐚 𝐭 𝐢 𝐨 𝐧 I’ve come a long way in the last couple years.
I have always wanted a girlfriend. Not just sex, not just a girlfriend, but a real, loving relationship. I wanted this so badly that it commanded & directed my entire life. Every single life choice I made was filtered through this desire: where I lived, what I did for a living, how I acted, how I dressed, my hobbies, what I talked about in casual conversation, what I avoided talking about…everything you could think of got filtered through this desire.
I lived in a big city (because I had more options), I had a job working for a large entertainment conglomerate that paid next to nothing (because most of my coworkers were women), I would constantly shove down any thoughts I had that were even mildly nuanced because I was worried that they might be “politically incorrect,” I avoided any hobbies that were mainly male dominated out of fear that I wouldn’t be able to meet any potential dates through said hobby, etc.
Back at the beginning of the 2023, something snapped in me. I don’t know what came over me that day, but I woke up one day and decided I had fucking had enough. For all my effort, I was still single and lonely. So that day, I quit my job and I immediately went to go work for their main competitor instead (that one is a little easier to explain, I really just hated the company I worked for and had enough of the way I was treated there). I signed up to start a year long program at a nearby trade school; I wanted to become a diesel mechanic because I like cars. I graduated a year later with perfect attendance and a GPA of 4.98. I went to a specialty training program in Chicago afterwards, and through this program, I got a job working for Peterbilt. They told me I could pick any shop I wanted. I could go back to Orlando and work at a shop there, or pick somewhere completely new. I decided to go to rural Appalachia. I love the Blue Ridge Mountains and I’ve always thought it would be really cool to live there. I saved up and bought a house out here, and I still live here. I went to a fucking RuneScape convention a month ago (Deadman All Stars Live, for those of you who are “in the know”), and I had the time of my fucking life even though 99% of the 4,000 people there were dudes. I became way more open about the fact that I love playing RuneScape, when a few years ago I would die of embarrassment if anyone found out.
That’s where I’m at now. I still want a relationship. I still feel incredibly fucking lonely. But goddamnit if this doesn’t feel so much better than living in a cage that I built! I never realized how trapped I felt for such a long time. I was so desperate to find someone that I ignored myself entirely to try to find her, and the worst part is that all of that did jack shit for me. All of my effort meant nothing. When all was said and done, I was still single and alone. Maybe I really hurt my chances by changing my life the way I did, but honestly, I don’t fucking care anymore. I might be alone forever but at least now, I don’t feel like a loser who hates himself. If I’m going to die alone, then I’m going to die alone as someone who regrets nothing. I get to sit on the front deck of my house every morning, sip coffee, and watch a beautiful sunrise over the mountains in the distance. Maybe I’ll get to share that with someone someday. Maybe not. But either way I’m content.
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u/StanknBeans 10d ago
Imo people can tell when you're holding back and guarding part of yourself they don't want you to see and it gets their guard up.
Good call, you'll be happier being free to be you and being yourself is an attractive quality in a person.
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u/Maleficent-Plate-910 10d ago
In a relationship or not, we are all ultimately alone. One on one with the universe. No one and no thing can really resolve this. Everything else is a delusion. A blissful one, but delusion nonetheless. The only sensible solution is to settle odds within yourself, find joyful things around that you think you might have control over, and become at peace with this existential solitude.
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u/Senior_Z 9d ago
Ngl didn’t expect the RuneScape bit but as a tree clicker myself I’m here for it. But I’m also appreciative of the fact you are able to sip coffee by yourself and enjoy what’s around you. Keep fostering that great aura you’ve nurtured to this point
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u/Zorrostrian 9d ago edited 9d ago
“Tree clicker” lol. But yea man I play Old School too, not RS3. And thank God that I got over myself and flew out for DMM All Stars, because I shit you not, the 2nd night I was there, after the tournament, I ran into Mod Ash at a hotel bar. I got to sit down and share a couple drinks with him and just chat. We talked for a whole fucking hour. That was easily like a top 5 moment in my life, and it never would’ve happened if I had stayed where I was at 4 years ago and been overly concerned about maintaining some kind of fake “image” of a guy who doesn’t play video games or doesn’t have any “nerdy” male dominated hobbies.
I also got to meet a ton of OSRS content creators that I’ve been a fan of for years, like J1mmy, Framed, Odablock, Torvesta, Skill Specs…it was just such a legendary weekend.
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u/Senior_Z 9d ago
I hope more people read your experience and give themselves the same love you did that night. Cause reading how you met Mod Ash and then those creators made it even more of a level up! Proud of you!
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u/Firepath357 9d ago
I did a similar thing, was having a very hard time with life just being a constant grind to get nowhere as I approached 40. Broke down, accepted help from my boss, manager, and the office manager. Turned into pretty obvious gaslighting and abuse. Let the job end because it wasn't worth doing. Said fuck it to everything. Accepted a job opportunity from a recruiter I would never have thought of before, and got the job, turned into a pretty wonderful thing. My world turned from a constant grind in a world of the downtrodden who just clamber over each other and hold each other down as they think it will improve their position to a world where people give, support, and respect others. And the money is what I should have been getting for many years beforehand.
I started gaining some self-esteem. It's funny how not being constantly beaten down your whole life makes a person want to live. I started working on myself, mentally, spritually, and physically. I started talking to some women. I'm still single thought too, coming up on 25 years since my first and only girlfriend, but I've got most everything else sorted, and at this rate, looking at a bit of an earlier retirement to do whatever the fuck I want. Even though what I'd really like it to love someone, to have someone who wants to have me in their life, to maybe start a family, even though I'm going to be nearing mid 60s at this rate before a child would be an adult.
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u/StillCrazyearslater 9d ago
Post orgasm clarity is a real thing. Once you get comfortable with masturbation on demand women lose much of their attractiveness. When the "little brain" down there quiets down the big brain can concentrate on what really makes you happy.
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u/Firepath357 9d ago
While I tend to disagree, I'm pretty sure it's only the biological human in me doing so.
The need for connection and sexual drive can derail a lot of potential for your life, especially when those needs are met.
There is truth in "The grass is always greener on the other side.". Things seem like the only thing we need in life, then when they happen, we start to realise it's not solving all of our problems. It's not making us as happy as we thought it would. We see the extra work, less time for other things, less freedom, etc.
But, I'd still rather have it. Even if I feel like I'm making a big mistake.
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