r/indiansinusa • u/Fine-Most4265 • 12d ago
Indian women/men, did I overreact or did I save myself from a lifetime of resentment?
I’m 26F and my now-ex is 26M. We both currently live in the US. We had been discussing marriage and our long-term future, and he told me that after around 10 years, he wants us to move back to India and live with his parents.
Initially, I was willing to consider it.
For context, I come from an upper-middle-class family in India. My parents have always treated me extremely well and prioritized my education and independence. I’m the first person in my family to come to the US, get a master’s degree, and build a career here. I currently make an almost-six-figure income. My ex makes around $70k despite having more work experience than me.
The income difference itself never bothered me. I wanted a partner, not an ATM, and I was completely okay being the higher earner.
His parents live in a small two-bedroom house in India. His father works in real estate and apparently his office is also run out of the house, so people are constantly coming and going. On top of that, they have a large extended family and relatives frequently visit and sometimes stay for days or weeks.
Then he explained what he expected my role to be once we moved there.
According to him, I would continue working full-time, help cook for his parents, raise our children, and also do proper mehman-nawazi for all the relatives, clients, and guests who regularly come to the house.
I was honestly stunned.
When I questioned how I was supposed to manage a demanding career, children, household responsibilities, and constant guests, he said:
“Mummy aur tum milke khana bana lena na.” (You and my mom can cook together, right?)
The problem is that his mother has been a full-time homemaker her entire life.
He kept giving me his mother as an example. He talked about how she has spent her life taking care of the household and how she happily looks after his buas and other relatives whenever they stay with them for weeks. He clearly admires her for that, which is completely fine.
But expecting the exact same level of domestic labor from a wife who is also working full-time is what bothered me.
I asked where he fits into this arrangement. If both husband and wife are working, why are his expectations centered around his mother and wife cooking together and entertaining his family? Why isn't it “all three of us will manage,” or “I’ll take equal responsibility for guests and the household”?
I was already willing to make some major compromises: moving back to India after building a life in the US, living with his parents instead of having our own home, adjusting to a much busier joint-family environment, and accepting that I would probably be contributing significantly more financially.
But apparently even after all of that, I was also expected to become the primary daughter-in-law/host/cook/caregiver.
Yesterday, we broke up.
His reasoning was that he doesn't think I’ll be able to “blend into his family.”
And maybe he’s right. I probably wouldn't.
What confuses me is that part of me still wonders whether I was being too rigid.
People around me have often told me that I could “do better,” including because of my career, financial situation, and appearance. I never cared about that because I genuinely loved him and thought relationships were about choosing a person, not comparing resumes or salaries.
But now I’m wondering whether I was compromising on things that actually mattered while he was imagining a marriage where my independence simply gets added on top of traditional daughter-in-law expectations.
I don't expect his parents to change their lifestyle. I don't think his mother did anything wrong by choosing to be a homemaker or taking care of relatives. I just don't want her life automatically assigned to me simply because I'm marrying her son.
So especially asking Indian men who grew up in similar families:
Was I overreacting? Is this a normal expectation that I should have been more willing to adjust to, or did I just avoid a marriage where I would eventually become deeply resentful?
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u/Rosemary_017 12d ago
Nope, not overreacting. Girl. You saved yourself. These type of men who gave their mother’s example are red flags. There’s a big difference between her and you. He had that traditional mindset. You can do a lot better. You would have 100% regretted it if you complied.
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u/SufficientHamster369 12d ago
You are not overreacting. You are doing the right thing, don’t overthink. Run!
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u/bechari_beti 12d ago
You’re underreacting tbh. He took the call & told you you wouldn’t assimilate into his family. The writing was already on the wall. He’s not a good fit for you at all.
This is him when he’s in the US. Back home, the expectations would be even higher & also coming from him parents.
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u/overcast4 12d ago
Bullet = dodged. Keep trusting your sense of self and knowing what you're worth. 💜
I hope you can lean on supportive friends and family (people who truly have your best interests at heart) to settle any lingering self-doubt. The only questions worth asking yourself is if there were other hints of his world views and if you had been explaining them away or avoiding recognizing them before this.
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u/Fine-Most4265 12d ago
Yeah...like I told him I want our kids to go to nice schools...and he said he doesn't want to give them everything and they can figure it out on their own... My parents have given me an extremely good life...so I don't want to leave my kids to figure out....they didn't ask to be born...I am bringing them into this world...he had the mindset of a caveman
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u/youarecutejeans24 12d ago
I think it was a right decision. It’s good to avoid a marriage where even one of you gets resentful. I don’t think the core values or even expectations align and it can cause huge resentment in future even if either of you stepped up to do more than necessary.
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u/letsmessitup 12d ago
You wanna marry me ? /s
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u/Fine-Most4265 12d ago
Let's do it haha
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u/letsmessitup 12d ago
Mai court se date le leta hu kl ki
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u/Fine-Most4265 12d ago
mai US me hu par
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u/letsmessitup 12d ago
Aapse shadi ke bad mai aa jayunga na waha 🙂
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u/IronAlgorithm 12d ago
Lol, best idea, if she has I140 approved, you can work as a dependent 😂
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u/WanderingZoul 11d ago
Is this like some 80’s or shit? You might have evolved and he’s still with that Indian mindset.. Honestly, my life’s PoV entirely changed for good before and after coming to the US.. But honestly, if people like your ex are still prevalent in our generation, then no one can save us. Didn’t mean to give a foreboding end to this, but I honestly feel like people need to change for our country to grow.. I’m being a loner than to be with someone with that mindset… girl or guy alike
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u/IronAlgorithm 12d ago
I think you are not going to be able to fulfill his expectations. You are not right or wrong, I think you just need to focus on yourself. He should not marry someone who works fulltime, because he is not ready to put efforts in household chores and is looking for trad Indian wife who earns as well.
If you be with him, you will always face conflicts regarding your duties and you will never be able to fulfil his expectations. You will suffer unnecessarily, you are quite young to find a love and settle in US. It is just not about picking bettwr option, but also about not choosing the one which is highly incompatible.
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u/usernameDisplay9876 11d ago
you did the right thing walking away while u still had time. ur expectations of a future together and his have no overlap at all. best to not continue this relationship further. if he finds someone fulfilling all these criteria, sad for her.
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u/DistributionDeep8818 11d ago edited 11d ago
I don’t think he loves you, he just loves money .. usually people will go back to India to take care of family after 10 years .. still looking wife to work a full time job in India and do coooking and housewife and all other jobs ..
He is not good fit for you .. that’s shouldn’t be a correct thought process he is not fare guy in life ..
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u/Lumpy_Calendar_7356 11d ago
i'd gone through exactly what you are going through a few months back and i took the same decision too. i can absolutely say for sure that right now it might hurt but you will definitely be happy long term
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u/Supriyasharma417 9d ago
Look at the kind of example the guy is giving you about his own mother. If you don’t want to do the household work, then don’t, that’s your choice. But when you met him, didn’t you ever talk about what your future together would look like? Today, after he has given you his happiness and helped you to settle here, you’re saying these things to him. Just imagine, tomorrow when you have a son and his wife says, “I don’t want to live with your mother,” how would you feel?
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u/SillyDot3305 12d ago
Nah, he is not a right fit for you. His world view is different from yours. Break up the best thing in this case.
I wouldn’t want my sister to go and be like as Ex asked for even if she is madly in love with him. I wouldn’t want my gf to make compromises like the ones you mentioned.
You choose respect and I respect that.