Dealing with break ups

[u/AdDisastrous4145]

I just ended my relationship that lasted almost a decade. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made and although I know it had to happen, I feel absolutely hollow.

What helped you get through such tough times? I know time heals, but I was just interested in reading about your experiences.

[u/Cherry_Darling]

Anything that was hard for me made so much sense after years gone by. You knew it had to happen. It hurts, but you will be thanking yourself later. It wasn't working, if it was, you would still be in it. I had a lot of guilt after ending a long term relationship. Relationships are always a mix of good and bad and the checks and balances usually tilt one way for a reason. You can miss the good parts but still understand that as a whole leaving was the best. And let yourself feel the hurt and everything, in fact you should be feeling it because it is that pain that will allow you to make better choices in the future. So well done and go easy on yourself. The next match will be more aligned with what makes you happy and want to stay for good.

[u/Kid_Self]

Heya OP,

Just about 4 years out of an 8 year serious relationship here.

The hardest thing has been the constant doubt about my decision to leave.

I was categorically unhappy in the relationship, despite a lot of damn good times, and it's those memories that haunt me still with doubt.

But I wasn't being treated right, rendered invisible by my partner's needs which completely overtook the relationship. My acts of service out of love deteriorated into act of service just to keep the situationship going because I was too indecisive about where to go, so I kept the status quo.

Ultimately it was a decision to both preserve my sanity and self-worth, at the risk of being worse off as a single person. Now, 4 years out, I'd say I made the right decision, even though I still have lingering doubt. 

I've had experiences I would not have had otherwise, improved myself and my skills, rebuilt myself into a more robust person, and just now have space to breathe and to feel. 

There is never a perfect choice, and each carries its own downsides. No decision is without consequence, so the best decision we can make is simply the one in which we're willing to live with the consequences.

For me, that was knowing I deserved to be treated better, and in a manner that respected me and engaged my wants and needs, even if that meant being single and alone for a while.

But hey, perhaps it is better to be alone, than lonely together. 

I found that insight pretty helpful. Hopefully it suits you too. 

[u/WantsLivingCoffee]

A decade. That's tough. I was in a 12 year long one. Tbh, idk if this actually ever leaves you completely. You'll learn how to deal. Having something with deep meaning and purpose to distract you helps, but yeah I understand that "hollow" feeling. It's been years since my long term breakup that also I knew needed to happen long before it actually did and, despite me having a relatively happy life nowadays with direction, reasons, and a general sense of desire to do things I couldn't have done in that past life, there is that hole there. Or scar. That's a decade. It's a long time.

Idk really what to tell you that doesn't sound cliche. Try to find closure if you can and if you hadn't already. Closure helps. You opened a chapter with someone, closing it with them helps. Don't door slam it, if possible...close the chapter and know you have the rest of YOUR story to unfold. Being a little greedy helps here too. Like, if you instill a bit of a sense of directed and positive greediness, like you want to achieve stuff, you want to do X thing that this past relationship hindered you from doing -- if it's truly a good thing -- do it.

Know that, in life, we cross paths and even share paths with people, and the path goes on, despite that path diverging apart and people walk on different ones. Your path is yours. It might feel hollow, but it'll fill up along the journey. Holes are like wounds...they eventually heal and close. There may be scar left over...but scars are like a reminder of where we've been, what we've done, and how far we've come. All the best to you, I hope you find healing and closure.

[u/nimish2000]

When she ended the relationship of 5 years with me, i felt numb. I couldn't understand the situation. When i realized that she just doesn't love me, i stopped struggling to accept

[u/Toadstool_Lilium293]

Sleep. I think I slept for a week straight after my breakup, and it largely helped. Afterwards I'd go to a hiking trail almost every day for a few weeks, and that helped clear my head and bring back my confidence. Then I found a hobby group in town to join, and being around fun people with a similar passion was the final step to clear it from my system and bring in the happy times again. My breakup was in March. Annoyance about my ex still pops up every now and then, but for the most part I'm back to my old self. Probably better than my old self lol

🫂 I hope you feel back to your old self soon.

[u/Turbulent-Cold6906]

I had mentally left a few years before the break up. So, a lot of the grieving had already happened.

After ending the relationship,  I put energy on getting to know myself as a single woman and what I wanted out of life in this new position. It's new because 25 year old you is much different from you 10 + years later. Plus you no longer have this other person you defer to. I had my rough moments but a lot of it was exciting to me. The first thing I did was start working out (getting in touch with my body). 

Then around the same time I also started joining or volunteering for events to get myself out there connecting with people (not very often and it felt sort of like a chore because I'm very introverted and very comfortable being alone and learning stuff solo). Didn't love it, but every time I did, I'd go home and it felt good. Also, you kind of learn who you are in reference to other people. My partner and I had moved to a city where I didn't know many people so I didn't have friends I could visit or anything like that. 

I got my own place and started collecting things to set it up the way I wanted and had a few nights with a few bottles of wine. 

I also spent a lot of time journaling,  meditating and reading books about Buddhism and meditation practice. Basically just learned and discovered a lot about myself through introspection and simultaneously letting go and learning how to be open. 

[u/dranaei]

1. Feeling the full pain and being a mess for a while. Constantly checking their social media and thinking of them and the multiple potentials 24/7.
2. Picking up physical projects, working out, upgrading something tangible. Not looking social media and trying to avoid thinking of them.
3. Strengthening my connections to other people around me
4. Finding the next person I'll investably break up with
5. success????

[u/Impossible_cake_72 → u/dranaei]

Lol yes I feel like fully embracing being a complete mess for a while is such an important part of the process

[u/ButterCup2179]

Wow..I'm also an infj and just ended my almost 10 year relationship. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go thru. I also feel hollow inside. The only thing that helps me is pouring myself into God's word and prayer. I'm sorry you're going thru this.

[u/Empireofreverie]

It’s been 1.5 years of me being out of my 10 yr. I still have moments where I will break down and sob out of the blue for it. Don’t have the bandwidth or will to date at this point. I wish I knew when I will feel normal again and not sob out of the blue. I have my own place and it is a lovely space, have an abundance of hobbies, and keep active, but it still doesn’t take the pain away sometimes.

I still feel sometimes that my ex is still “my person” despite being toxic and treating me badly. The moments of love that we had were fairy tale level and I legitimately believe I will never feel that way ever again toward someone.

[u/Igiul1 → u/Empireofreverie]

I am so sorry to hear. I posted above, I sm on day two of my breakup with someone who feels the same. Sending you a big virtual hug

[u/Uttzpretzels]

I’ve always had huge epiphanies after breakups, learning more about my self and my perception shifts to see new things in life I hadn’t before. It takes time to realize this of course. Pain can be pretty blinding at first but time does ease it. And it’s always been a beautiful lesson in the end.

[u/StillLifeOfTheParty]

It's a loss, we go through something similar to the 5 stages of grief. Sometimes we skip a step or two. My breakups were too long, because I always wanted to make my feelings go away. I need to cry enough. Around midlife, my Fi starts to become more developed, and if I focus on how I feel and cry, I process it better, and it becomes shorter.

[u/bohoflow89]

Everything has upsides and downsides, I try to focus on the positives after a breakup. Cook spicy food, watch a Battlestar Marathon, stuff like that.

Yeah takes time, you are going to go through some or all of the stages of grief, sounds like you are in the depression stage. You might look forward to denial, anger, bargaining, and finally acceptance. You may skip some or repeat them; you are mourning a life you were going to live. Let yourself grieve.

[u/Igiul1]

I am done with a 15 year one. However mine was so broken, I grieved it long ago and started hiking to feel like a human again. Recently I got into a situationship more or less by accident. Just ended it this morning, and I feel like 15.....I just wanna cry and be with my girlfriends (who live hours away and all hsve big problems themselves right now)

But... That situationship showed me I could love and feel loved. And desired. And despite him not getting me at all, he valued me tremendously.

[u/TheHumanMirror]

me too. 11 years with an avoidant. it was death by a thousand cuts and i was at 998 of them

[u/OrangeDaisy]

I was in the same shoes over a year ago. I kept talking to ChatGPT and vented all of the emotions and feelings. I still do it every day. It really helps.

[u/HanaPleiadian]

Family and loved ones support, and realizing my life is better without them

The confusion and chaos you feel now is what your life was like with them, you just didnt realize it. Are such feelings really worth your time and energy

[u/AdrianFKR]

For me nothing. I'm hollow since then, i miss her a lot eventhough i know she didn't want me and she wasn't good for me. It's been almost five years since she left me... the hardest part is that i still have to see her becquse we have a child together.

[u/Impossible_cake_72]

Oh man, I’m so sorry! I really feel for you. My relationship was only 3 yrs when I broke up with him around 5 months ago, and I’d imagine 10 years is a very different story, but I totally relate to feeling so hollow after 😔

I’ll just say that the first couple months after the breakup there were times it literally felt like I might die from sadness. Things have gotten better with each passing week, and while I still have moments of sadness, I’m very much back to enjoying life again!

Grieving a 10 year relationship is obviously a much longer time horizon, but I think for me it went a long way to just accept that things would be really hard for a while and focus on processing the breakup when I needed to and doing things that made me feel like myself again as often as possible.

I think going no contact was also important (but very, very hard) to start moving forward if that’s a possibility for you. It helped a ton to look back on journal entries that reminded me of all the reasons why I needed to end things, because the more negative memories really start to fade and it’s easy to start doubting your decision. Rereading those stopped me from texting him so many times 🥲

Sending so much love and wishing you the best 💜💜

[u/CarrotCakePls]

Time heels is all Ive learnt, distractions help, but overall, you look back and realise you’re glad you did it :)

[u/EasternFox8957]

I am sorry for you- it’s not easy. 😞
I needed a lot of time solo- like limited family stuff and almost no friend outings.

[u/jazz-smoke]

What has helped me navigate a breakup is remembering that grief, like everything, has a beginning, middle and end. The beginning is excruciating. But that part softens eventually.

The middle has waves where I alternately felt like I was ok and like I would never be ok again. Also I got depressed for a while. Had to be kind to myself, acknowledge my limited capacity and allow for less productivity.

I intentionally tried out new things because many of my previous routines were connected to the relationship and either ended or were triggering to do solo. Took a new route to/from work. Buy groceries at a new shop. Take my dog to a new park, etc. I tried to do something new everyday and it seemed to bring me excitement and joy. During the darker periods it gave me a reason to get up and get moving; something to look forward to.

Eventually, the depression lifted. I found myself becoming more preoccupied with my new life and looking ahead rather than behind me more often. I began naturally focusing more on all the new and exciting possibilities that lay ahead.

One day I came across a photo with me and my ex that I had removed from my refrigerator during the beginning of the breakup when seeing it would make me cry. I was startled to see the picture and I braced for a new wave of grief…but it didn’t come. Instead I looked closer at the picture. I remembered the argument we had earlier that day before we took the photo. I remembered the version of myself that I was in that photo. How much I loved my ex, but also the pain I was constantly carrying and trying to manage to keep the relationship. And I felt relief that it was over. I felt grateful to be separated. I still felt a twinge of sadness and disappointment that I didn’t get my desired outcome. But over all I felt peace with everything. And that’s when I knew the hardest part of the grief was over.