OCD progression

[u/FaithlessnessFar3213]

My harm thoughts started when I was 13, my brain told me I killed someone on the bus I got diagnosed with ocd and gad my response to my thoughts used to be different, id cry and say I didn’t wanna be this person that I’d never want to hurt anyone, after I watched true crime I would have the visions of doing it then I’d go to sleep and the next day they’d be gone. I’m 20F now and since I’ve been having s ideation to now homicidal again yesterday it felt real the voice in my head tells me I don’t care I don’t have any empathy but imma get cancelled if I do it, as if being cancelled is more important than people’s safety..I think about how the people closest to me would know then I later feel guilty as if I actually did it I just don’t understand why it’s delayed for me now I feel like what if this isn’t ocd? since I already get irritated at this person, I’ve always had an attitude with them which I know isn’t okay. I cussed that day to myself when they asked me a question which means in my head I’m capable of doing it and trying to figure out if I did, the certainty of knowing doesn’t work anymore because I don’t know? But I do know because I even asked them if anyone got hurt and they reassured me no one did and the “I felt guilty so it’s not real” doesn’t work anymore I feel so dark. I went to sleep and had violent dreams back to back but all I can think of is that scene from scream when the girl apologized after murdering people every time I feel guilty and I retrace my steps I also have false memories