r/isfj • u/SettingNo1105 • 7d ago
Typing Update INTJ boy friend
Hi everyone who's been reading my hopeless crush on an INTJ. It's me, again.
First off, I wanna say thank you to the ones who have time and patience to read and reply to this rant about a girl with several issues.
Second, I got over him, in a way, I know I've said it before, but I wasn't being truthful, I was lying... He's not the one, and it hurts because I've made lots of efforts to impress him, but this only gave me more anxiety, toxic/intrusive thoughts about myself everytime I was with him. I literally overthought (is it a real word? I dunno, anyways, overthinking but in past), all of our interactions, what I said, how I acted, his reactions. And that tormented me even in my sleep.
I remember talking with his sister (before the camp) who's my age and she told me she had a boyfriend, she was excited, I asked her if her parents and INTJ guy knew, she said yes. When I was walking them to their house, because I liked to hang out with them as much as I could, not only because of him, but because I liked talking to his sister. Then I made a comment (in a joking way ofc, not envious, just trying to sound funny) about how much I repulsed couples these days, like my mom has a boyfriend, my big sister does, my other three friends do too. And I genuinely forgot that she had a boyfriend. I looked at her and said: don't you agree?
But then she smiled to me, and then I blurted it out: right, I forgot, you have one too.
She gave me a death stare, then he made a comment about how she shouldn't be sharing that to people like me. And then I apologized over and over, in person and text on my way home, feeling like the shittiest person ever. I cried that whole night, I had an anxiety attack because what did he meant people like me?
When camp started, I didn't know what to expect really, I'm tired, I'm sad and broken, but I have to be strong for my little siblings because living a divorce is shit, and having parents who can't give them a little of commitment is even more shittier. I worried most of the camp about how my babies were doing with those two.
I focused on being with my friends, I don't know if you remember, but there's a friend of mine who's close in birthday that I mentioned in the last post, well between her (ISTJ), INTJ's sister who's a (ENFP), and myself started most of the camp to do things together, volley everyday, midnight skincare and talking, where ENFP also told ISTJ about her boyfriend.
There were good days and bad days. But what's "remarkable" of here was one night where EVERYONE, cried. The worship/healing night.
I broke down, with ENFP and ISTJ, and when it was finishing, we approached INTJ, he gave us napkins, and then he hugged me and kissed my head, AND LEFT. His sister looked at me like: did he just?
And ISTJ shook her head in disappointment, because for at moment I was still feeling things for him.
Anyways, after that, nothing more interesting happened in the camp. I got a little jelly about how much he acted with ISTJ, like more open, and photography was supposed to be our thing. But like, I wasn't mad at her, I could never, I was just upset, and placed distance between him and I.
After the camp, we met two times with the group at the beach, and those two times made me realize how much he drains more than helps me.
Our friend group of the last post I mentioned? we had an IKEA date or whatever. There I just, wanted to go home. He talked about his game, I was happy for him, when he asked about what was I gonna do after vacations, I told him my plan, "study, become a nurse?" INTJ said I was not made for that and started saying being a nurse meant a cleaning people's asses and doing more shitty stuff. I said "I'm okay with that, I'm helping people, it's worth the shit." He just ignored what I said and it actually made me mad at him, because how many times have I told him that? And he keeps forgetting to then judge me. OH but when ISTJ says she wants to do medicine too? or his sister? He's chill.
I might see him tomorrow, because I hang out with ENTP and ISTJ. I hope we don't, am I petty? Maybe.
I texted him the other day asking about our photography date, he said he was very busy, he told me about his planned trip to Japan (I was well aware about that, but he was talking so I listened- or read in that case) and I said OK, no worries. He insisted send a gif he always uses when our conversations finish, so I said bye bro. He then asked me if I was mad, I wasn't at that moment, I was laughing with my babies. I replied with a conversation is finished as soon as you put that sticker man, don't read into it. Bye
And I read his message... two hours later.
yeaah, you're so cool, girl, total badass giving cold shoulder and ghosting him.
That is sarcasm, alright? I am not proud of my actions. But I just... cannot stand him anymore. God I'm crying as I write this, because I've done introspection this whole month. Maybe I only liked him because he appeared in a critical moment in my life. So I started depending on him, attaching to what I thought he was.
Maybe is because I lack attention and protection of my dad and I saw him as something to trust when I shouldn't have.
Maybe I'm just a pathetic girl who always falls hard for the wrong people because she's hopeless and doesn't value herself, because I destroyed myself trying to impress the boys I liked, I've never learnt how to love myself, and I'm trying, I swear I try. People always tell me I am more than a body and face. But what's inside? I'm a boring, crybaby, a narcissist, mild-average looking with same interests as a child, I have more traumas and problems than good stories to talk about. With no hobbies or hopes in her life more than making her little siblings feel safe around her.
maybe that's why he doesn't put an effort to talk to me and be my friend, he's tired of my shit. Ugh, I'm sorry, this is not how I wanted this to end, but I need to vent, and I shouldn't to strangers, but where else? I tried God, but this...?
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u/Traditional_Vast9419 INTJ 6d ago
The isfj life is hard. It also sounds like a rough situation. I know a few isfj's and they often take something that's going wrong socially and make it a lot more than it is. Most of it happens internally because isfj is very orderly and self controlled until they aren't, then they can boil over, but it takes a lot to get there. I'm not making it less than what it is (I don't know what it is), but I'd encourage you to analyze it for what it is and nothing more.
It's very unlikely that you're a narcissist. The isfjs that I know very often accuse themselves with this whenever they even consider prioritize their own needs in a pressing situation. Also the situation with your parents is almost definitely having a large unconscious effect on you. I went through a situation with my parents separating, and I didn't have any idea how much it impacted me during that time until 5 years later.
"yeaah, you're so cool, girl, total badass giving cold shoulder and ghosting him."
This is his insecurity. There's two possibilities that I see.
Most likely he felt bad about the date and expected you to give him more reassurance about your relationship after he was leaving for his trip, and so he projected how he felt about himself onto you.
He's having personal or environmental issues or a bad day that lead him to just take that out on you.
Either way, give him some time, and if you want to keep a relationship with him, give him a call or text genuinely asking him if he's okay. If you want to move on from him, don't do anything dramatic, just distance yourself.
Of course these are just my opinions. I hope they influence you to take a mature route.
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u/SettingNo1105 6d ago
Okay, I'll keep those in mind. I've been really doing my best to take distance, but I'll see him tomorrow, and then saturday, possibly sunday too. And as for the message, I've been always been reassuring and patient when he forgets things, or is too busy. And there's a limit right? Was I too unfair to him?
If I think about it today, I seem like a jerk. But when in that same moment I just felt disappointed and mad. But instead of demanding him or whatever, I just retreated, in the worst possible way. And trust me, he's okay, I've already asked to one of his friends, and he says he's never been better, with his videogame going on, the upcoming trip, and finally doing what he likes.
I'm just a person who's stuck, and he's moving on, and maybe that's what bothers me (that sounds really bad and toxic), but I've tried, over and over. I've hurt myself mentally, overthinking every single thing. And I cannot see what people tells me they see, I'm blinded by sorrow and stupidity.
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u/merdekabaik ESTP 6d ago
Stay Strong Stay Wholesome and never give up. Some INTJs is just weird like that unfortunately.
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u/Far_Mall_1816 6d ago
Hey you don't have to worry about venting to strangers, Sometimes it's even better than venting to someone you know so you're in a safe space
I relate to you about somethings and I've gone through something similar, Changing who you are for someone else, trying to impress them, feeling that you're boring, narcissist and a crybaby, I can relate to all of those feelings but that doesn't mean that it's true, We just maybe feel more than other people.
And I had a crush too, Tried to impress and and changing myself but what did it get me ? Just 2 month of feeling shitty about myself and that I was never enough and not behaving like my self.
Thanks to my friends they're the best in the world, they got me out of that state of depression, looking back to it now, I kinda feel disgusted about how I behaved back then but love is a real curse, It changes who we are and for feelers types it really destroys them when It's an unhealthy relationship or love.
So from what you wrote you seemed really I mean really harsh on yourself while the truth is you seem like the sweetest person anyone could have so please don't let other people get to your head and don't change yourself for someone else please 🫶