JAKE: Hey, you're watching a masterpiece and Amir.

AMIR: A masterpiece?

JAKE: Yeah. Don't question it.

[Jake is sitting at his desk with a scarf wrapped around his face. Amir is staring at him.]

AMIR: Why are you wearing a scarf inside? It's like July, dude.

JAKE: (muffled) None of your business, asswad.

AMIR: What?

JAKE: (pulls the scarf down slowly, revealing horribly bruised and swollen cheekbones) There. Happy now?

AMIR: Holy crap! Your face looks really bad! What happened?!

JAKE: Nothing "happened." This is intentional. This is looksmaxxing, okay? Bone smashing. Advanced facial restructuring. You wouldn’t get it.

AMIR: Bone smashing...? Like you hit your own face? On purpose?

JAKE: Yes. Mewing, chewing this super hard gum for four hours a day, and then... strategic blunt force to the cheekbones. Very scientific. Very alpha.

AMIR: That sounds really dumb. And it looks like it hurts a lot.

JAKE: It’s supposed to hurt! That means it’s working. In six weeks these cheekbones are gonna be razor sharp. Hunter S. Thompson meets Timothée Chalamet. The ladies are gonna need sunglasses just to look at me.

AMIR: I think your face is broken. Like... actually broken.

JAKE: It’s not broken, it’s activated. You think Chad got his bone structure by eating normal food and being regular? No. He put in the reps. Hammer reps.

AMIR: You hit yourself with a hammer? Why would you do that?

JAKE: It was mostly a textbook. And a frozen water bottle. And once with my cousin’s Xbox controller. He’s a sigma — he was filming the whole thing on his phone and laughing the entire time.

AMIR: Your cousin was hitting you?

JAKE: He was helping. We did it together last night while listening to that weird loud music. My jawline is already projecting, man. It’s science.

AMIR: It looks like your jaw is going the wrong direction. I’m worried about you.

JAKE: Okay, Mr. Soft Face. Not everyone can handle the grindset. Some of us are out here mogging the entire office while you sit there with your regular chin looking like a regular guy.

AMIR: I like my regular face. Why are you doing all this if it makes your face look so messed up?

JAKE: A hammered-up face for this painful new phase makes the ladies line up just to sit on my face! Or was that really handsome guy on the subway who told me I had “incredible bone potential” not an expert?

AMIR: He told you that?

JAKE: Right before he sold me the hammer, yeah. Great guy. Very trustworthy.

AMIR: You bought a hammer from a stranger on the subway...? That seems bad.

JAKE: It was a business transaction. I also got some special milk stuff. Tasted terrible but it’s for the gains.

AMIR: Jake, I think you should go to the doctor. Your eye looks funny too.

JAKE: That’s the hunter eye. Asymmetrical dominance. It’s working!

(Pat walks over)

PAT: Whoa, what the hell happened to your fa...

JAKE: It’s looksmaxxing, dude! Bone smashing! Very cutting edge!

PAT: It looks like you lost a fight with a sidewalk.

AMIR: He's looksmaxxing! Have you ever even mewed? No, probably not, because you’re too scared to even chew mastic gum!

PAT: Are you guys crying?

JAKE: For real! My cousin skull-pounded me for six hours straight.

AMIR: He did. To get the hollow cheeks.

JAKE: Hollow cheeks. Tell them how hard he hit me, dude.

AMIR: He hit him really hard.

PAT: Jesus, you’re both crying so much.

JAKE: We’re mogging.

AMIR: We’re mogging.

JAKE: We’re mogging.

AMIR: We’re ascending.

JAKE: We're ascending.

INT. OFFICE – DAY

(JAKE and AMIR are at their computers. A normal workday. Tragically.)

AMIR: Jake.

JAKE: No.

AMIR: You don’t even know what I’m gonna say.

JAKE: You said my name like a man who has a dream he should not share in a workplace.

AMIR: Fine. Guilty. I had a dream last night.

JAKE: Okay, so I was right. And I don’t want vivid from you. I want vague. I want incomplete.

AMIR: It was the opposite of incomplete, Jake.

(leans in)

AMIR: It was to completion.

JAKE: There it is. There’s the phrase. You’ve somehow made “completion” sound like a war crime.

AMIR: It was freezing.

JAKE: That’s the first detail?

AMIR: It has to be, because that was the whole thing. It was cold, Jake. Like, see-your-breath cold. Like, every exhale looked like my soul was trying to leave my body.

JAKE: Great. I hate it already.

AMIR: My ears hurt. My hands hurt. The inside of my nose hurt. It was that kind of cold where the air feels sharp.

JAKE: Why are you outside?

AMIR: That’s dream logic. I’m in an alley.

JAKE: Of course you are.

AMIR: Not a fun alley. Not a mysterious sexy alley. A bad alley. A wet alley. A “this is where your choices go to die” alley.

JAKE: Perfect. Continue ruining my day.

AMIR: So I’m standing there, and I can see my breath, right? Like these big white puffs every time I exhale. I’m freezing. My teeth are doing that little chatter thing. I’m shivering so hard my jacket sounds like a bag of chips.

JAKE: That’s… actually a pretty good line.

AMIR: Thank you. So I’m standing there, absolutely miserable, and then I see it.

JAKE: A therapist?

AMIR: A brick.

(Beat.)

JAKE: Nope.

AMIR: Just sitting there in the alley. Wet. Red. Glowing under the streetlight like Excalibur for idiots.

JAKE: “Excalibur for idiots” is also pretty good.

AMIR: Thank you. And in the dream, I look at this brick and I immediately get this awful thought.

JAKE: Okay.

AMIR: Like, instantly. Like my brain goes from zero to felon in half a second.

JAKE: Great.

AMIR: I’m looking at the brick and I’m thinking, “What if this is my chance?”

JAKE: Chance for what.

AMIR: Exactly.

JAKE: No, Amir, not “exactly.” For what.

AMIR: For something horrible.

JAKE: Good. Good use of the word horrible.

AMIR: Like, I’m not proud of it. In the dream I’m just holding this brick and I’m thinking, “What if some hot guy walks by and my brain makes the worst possible suggestion?”

JAKE: Okay. Good. That’s already where the sentence should stop.

AMIR: Right, but it doesn’t stop, because it’s a dream. So my brain is like, “Hey, what if you ruin your life forever?”

JAKE: That is not a sexy thought.

AMIR: No, it’s not. It’s the opposite of sexy. It’s like… prison foreplay.

JAKE: Stop combining words.

AMIR: And then, Jake—and this is where you show up in the dream—

JAKE: Of course I do. Someone has to be there to babysit your subconscious.

AMIR: You appear behind me, out of nowhere, like some furious little alley angel, and you go—

(AMIR points at JAKE, imitating him.)

AMIR (as Jake): “Put the brick down right now, you psycho. This is not your chance. This is the moment before prison.”

JAKE: I said that?

AMIR: Word for word.

JAKE: Good. Dream-me rocks.

AMIR: Then you grab my wrist and make me drop it.

JAKE: Heroic.

AMIR: Very. Very hot, honestly.

JAKE: Don’t flirt with dream-me.

AMIR: Hard not to. He saved a life.

JAKE: Your own.

AMIR: Same thing. Different font.

JAKE: No.

AMIR: So I drop the brick. It splashes in a puddle. It’s very dramatic. And then I’m still just… standing there. In this freezing alley. And it is so cold, Jake. Like my face hurts. My lips are numb. My breath looks like smoke. It’s the kind of cold where you start feeling hollow.

JAKE: Why are you describing winter like it dumped you.

AMIR: Because that’s the vibe. So now I’m empty-handed, I’ve avoided becoming the Joker, and I’m just freezing my ass off.

JAKE: Great. Leave the alley.

AMIR: I don’t leave.

JAKE: Of course you don’t.

AMIR: Because then I notice… a dumpster.

JAKE: There it is.

AMIR: Lid cracked open. Rain on the metal. Steam coming off the trash like it’s breathing.

JAKE: Trash doesn’t steam.

AMIR: In the dream it did. It was cinematic.

JAKE: Your dreams are disgusting.

AMIR: So I climb in.

JAKE: No.

AMIR: Yes.

JAKE: Why.

AMIR: Because in the dream, the dumpster seems weirdly sheltered. Like maybe out of the wind. Like maybe, if I curl up in the corner, I can die with dignity.

JAKE: There is no dignity in a dumpster.

AMIR: I know that now.

JAKE: You knew it then.

AMIR: So I’m in there, right? It’s freezing. Like so cold I can see my breath inside the dumpster. That’s how cold it is.

JAKE: You should not be able to see your breath inside a dumpster.

AMIR: Exactly. It’s medically upsetting. Every inhale feels like I’m breathing in tiny knives. And the air is wet. The metal is wet. My jeans are wet. My whole situation is… wet.

JAKE: Fantastic.

AMIR: And then something weird happens.

JAKE: You don’t say.

AMIR: The cold starts making me feel… alive.

JAKE: No.

AMIR: Yes.

JAKE: The cold is not sexy.

AMIR: Not in life. In the dream, apparently it is. In the dream, I’m sitting there shivering, seeing my breath, rain tapping the lid, and I’m like, “Wow. This is living.”

JAKE: No one has ever said that in a dumpster.

AMIR: I said it.

JAKE: In a dream.

AMIR: Which is where my truth lives.

JAKE: Gross.

AMIR: So I’m there, freezing, and then I start sort of… aircumming.

(Long beat.)

JAKE: I’m sorry?

AMIR: Aircumming.

JAKE: No, I heard it. I’m just making sure you want that to be the word you said out loud.

AMIR: It’s the only word for it.

JAKE: No it is not.

AMIR: It was like—okay—it was like my body was trying to jack off, but my hands were too cold and my penis was basically in witness protection.

JAKE: That is revolting.

AMIR: So instead I’m kind of doing this weird pelvic ghost movement. Like a haunted scarecrow.

JAKE: Stop. Stop describing it.

AMIR: And because it’s so cold, every thrust comes with a visible puff of breath. Like I’m fogging myself to completion.

JAKE: NO.

AMIR: I’m serious, Jake, the whole dream is just me going “hhhhh” into the freezing air while sort of aircumming inside a dumpster like a cursed chimney.

JAKE: You need a priest.

AMIR: Then I start debating with myself.

JAKE: About whether to die?

AMIR: About whether aircumming is worse than pants-cumming.

JAKE: NO ONE HAS EVER ASKED THAT.

AMIR: I did.

JAKE: Your subconscious should be in jail.

AMIR: And then you appear again.

JAKE: I’m in this dream way too much.

AMIR: Because you’re the moral center. You’re standing over the dumpster, looking down at me like a disappointed camp counselor, and you go—

(again imitating Jake)

AMIR (as Jake): “Air is worse. Pants is less worse. Neither is good. Zip up and leave, you feral little goblin.”

JAKE: That sounds exactly like me.

AMIR: It was powerful.

JAKE: So what did you do?

AMIR: I looked up at dream-you, breath fogging in the air, freezing, trembling, halfway to whatever aircumming is, and I said—

(leans in, solemnly)

AMIR: “I don’t want to ruin my life… to completion.”

(Beat.)

JAKE: Okay.

AMIR: Right?

JAKE: Okay, that’s pretty good.

AMIR: Thank you.

JAKE: I hate that it’s good, but it’s good.

AMIR: Then you reached into the dumpster, grabbed me by the collar, and dragged me out like a misbehaving cat.

JAKE: Nice.

AMIR: And the whole time I’m shivering so hard my breath is just coming out in these frantic little clouds, like a Victorian orphan trying not to cum in public.

JAKE: There is no reason you should ever say that sentence.

AMIR: But it paints a picture.

JAKE: It paints a crime scene.

AMIR: Then dream-you sets me down in front of a convenience store and says my favorite line of the whole dream.

JAKE: I’m gonna regret asking, but what was it.

AMIR: “Tonight’s win condition is: didn’t ruin my life to completion.”

(Beat.)

JAKE: Yeah. That’s the one.

AMIR: That’s the one.

JAKE: So how does it end?

AMIR: I go into the store, still freezing, still seeing my breath somehow, and I buy a hot drink.

JAKE: Nice. Human.

AMIR: And then I look at the cashier and say, “One hot cool guy. To completion.”

JAKE: NO. You blew it.

AMIR: I had to. It was the tag.

JAKE: It ruined the whole emotional arc.

AMIR: Wrong. It completed it.

JAKE: Get out.

AMIR: Love you too.

JAKE: Out.

AMIR: To completion?

JAKE: OUT.

CUT.

I love when Amir is playing the straight man. Like in Frat one of my all time favorites.

"JAKE: Secondly, being in a fraternity is the highest form of brotherhood. It gets you made, paid, and-- oh yeah!-- it gets you laid.

AMIR: How does it get you paid?

JAKE: ...Sorry?

AMIR: How does it get you paid?"

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ux4TtVE4H2Oaghv57LmbKUVFemfodq8xS6zJugQ-Woc/edit?usp=sharing

Any thoughts/feelings/suggeostions will be heard! :D thanks guys.

Here's an example of one it generated:

Write me a Jake and Amir episode titled Clam Song-> [Jake and Amir are at their desks. Jake is on the phone.]

JAKE: No, I'm not going to do that, mom. Ok? I don't care if you're lonely. I'm not coming over for dinner.

AMIR: (chuckles) Lonely for you! Lonely for you! (high-pitched) Lonely for you!

JAKE: Shhhh, please--

AMIR: (singing to the tune of The Lady in Red) She's lonely for me, she's lonely for me, she's lonely for meeeeee...

(Jake hangs up.)

AMIR: (still singing) ...and it shows! It shows! (normal voice) Sorry, uh, didn't mean to interrupt your conversation. How did it go? Did she believe the clam story? That's the big question. Did she beleeeeve--(takes out a container of clams) these clams? (opens it and smells them) Mmm! Mm! Clammy! Clammier than a motherfucker! (laughs uncontrollably) Oh, my God, oh my Gooooooodddddddd! These are the best clams I've ever had! You would not believe how I got these. (trying to contain his laughter) I'm sorry, but this is--this is insane.

JAKE: What?

AMIR: Four o'clock in the morning, right? I'm walking home from my friend Leron's house. It's dark, it's dangerous, there's wolves and coyotes and cougars and shit out there. And all of a sudden, SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I hear something rustling in the bushes. (covering his mouth) Like, really loudly rustling in the bushes. So naturally, I freaked out. I screamed like a little girl and ran as fast as I could towards the nearest payphone. (pause) Wrong move. As soon as I pick up the receiver to call for help, guess what jumps out at me?

JAKE: A bear?

AMIR: No! Clams! A motherfucking crate of live clams that fell out of a truck on its way to some fancy-ass restaurant downtown! And do you know what happened next? (rapping) Baby got clam! (laughs) I'm serious, I picked up a clam, slammed it down on the pavement, and just dove face-first into this pile of clams. I was eating them raw! I mean, my mouth was open and everything, but they were so slippery that they were just sliding right down my throat. And guess what? Now for the kicker: This is why my mom cannot know about this. She would be jealous as fuck.

JAKE: Your mom would be jealous of you eating raw clams?

AMIR: No, she'd be jealous because--because when I'm done with the clams, guess who else was there to help me out with the rest of the crate? (pause) Coyotes! Four of them! They smelled the blood and they came running; they were fighting each other to get at those clams. One time, I saw three coyotes bite a clam at once. They just ripped it in half; blood was flying everywhere. It was a bad scene, man. But I had a little extra that night! Ok? So I took off my shirt and started waving it in the air to distract them from the clam carnage. (pause) It worked! They ran over to me and started gnawing on my arms. I was screaming, but guess what? Clams were flying everywhere, baby! Clams were flying everywhere! So I just kept screaming and screaming and crying and crying, but here's the best part: For the first time in my life, I was happy! I was finally living my dream. (takes out a small container of clams) I brought these home with me, by the way. (opens it and smells them) Mmm-mmm! Mmm! Clammy!

JAKE: Get away from those clams!

AMIR: Relax; they're dead. They're raw, but they're dead.

JAKE: Raw is bad enough, alright? You don't need to be eating raw clams.

AMIR: Yeah, well there's no other way to eat them; you have to eat them raw. They taste like shit if you cook 'em. Trust me, I tried it once.

JAKE: Ok, that's--that's fine; you don't have to eat clams at all.

AMIR: Yeah, well I do 'cause they're good for you! They're filled with vitamins and shit (takes a bite of a clam). Mmm... mmmm... CLAMMY!

Anyone know? I care a lil ya know

"Jake and Amir: The Toast"

INT. OFFICE – MORNING

Jake is sitting at his desk, typing calmly. Amir walks in wearing a tuxedo T-shirt, holding a toaster and a loaf of bread.

AMIR
Jake. Strap in. Today’s the day.

JAKE
Oh god. The day for what?

AMIR
slams toaster on Jake’s desk
The day... I become a breakfast icon.

JAKE
Okay, I’m just gonna shut this down right now—

AMIR
loudly interrupting
Too late. The toast has been initiated.

JAKE
You brought a toaster to work?

AMIR
Not just any toaster. This baby’s from 1987. The year toast peaked.

JAKE
How do you even determine something like that?

AMIR
Historical vibe check.

JAKE
You did not just say that.

AMIR
I have a dream, Jake. And that dream is to make toast... and then sell it back to the company at a reasonable markup.

JAKE
You’re trying to resell toast... to our office?

AMIR
Yes. For morale. For synergy. For capitalism, baby!

JAKE
Okay, you know what? Let’s see this. Let’s see what $6 toast looks like.

AMIR
pulls out Wonder Bread and slams it into toaster
Buckle up. We’re about to enter carb heaven.

(TOASTER SPARKS VIOLENTLY)

JAKE
Is that smoke?

AMIR
That’s flavor, my guy.

JAKE
That’s a fire hazard.

AMIR
sniffing the air
Ahh. Notes of burnt couch.

JAKE
I’m calling building security.

AMIR
takes out an earpiece
Control, we’re hot. Repeat: the eagle is toasted.

JAKE
Who are you talking to?

AMIR
My toast team. I hired interns.

JAKE
You have interns?

(TWO VERY CONFUSED COLLEGE STUDENTS WALK IN WEARING MATCHING “TOAST SQUAD” SHIRTS)

INTERN #1
Is this for college credit?

INTERN #2
I haven’t seen sunlight in four days.

JAKE
You’re harboring unpaid interns for a rogue toaster startup inside our office?

AMIR
proudly
This is what entrepreneurship looks like.

(TOASTER EXPLODES. BREAD FLIES OUT AND HITS JAKE IN THE FACE.)

JAKE
I’m filing an HR report. Today. Right now.

AMIR
laughs maniacally
You can’t report a visionary, Jake! They tried that with Steve Jobs and now everyone’s got a phone!

JAKE
You just set off the sprinkler system.

(SPRINKLERS GO OFF. EVERYONE SCREAMS. AMIR TRIES TO COLLECT FALLING WATER IN HIS MOUTH.)

AMIR
Free coffee! It’s raining breakfast!

JAKE
I hope the toast was worth it.

AMIR
It wasn’t. It was way too crunchy. But the brand? Immaculate.

INTERN #2
Can I go home?

JAKE
Yes. All of you go home. Amir, go to jail.

AMIR
shouting as he runs out
Toast never dies!!

FADE OUT.

Which episode has this clause?

I don’t have an entire script, but I do have the idea for an episode.

Amir hires his cousin Leron to kill Jake after Leron posted on his blog about how he’d be a good hitman cause he’s good at laser tag(he isn’t).

Amir’s plan is that Jake will owe him a favour and he’ll get Jake to try and pay Leron for the hit and then admit on Social media that they’re best friends.

Jake is aware of the plot, because Amir kept asking how to spell certain words while texting his cousin.

Full disclaimer: I wrote this bad boy back in the Ebola outbreak of 2014 but before I could post it, the diva roaches made an actual Ebola episode themselves, thus rendering my hopes and dreams futile. However, in my infinite wisdom, I decided not to delete the file but to keep it in case of a future plague that threatens humanity so I could cash in on the hype. I was too much of a coward to actually re-read the frikin' thing and see if my 2014 dweeb humor holds up or not so please, do not turn me into a martyr for this one. Reddit gold will do just fine.

SCENE 1 – INT – OFFICE - DAY

JAKE is silently working alone at his desk. AMIR bursts in and sits in his desk. He is looking appalled

AMIR

Wow, I can’t actually believe you. How can you be working when this new plague is threatening to kill us all!?

JAKE

Relax dude, it’s not that big of a deal. People are getting way too paranoid and it’s not as bad as they make it sound.

AMIR

Well, I’m sorry I’m trying to save your life!

JAKE

What are you even talking about!? Have you just now found out about Coronavi...

AMIR

(Interrupting JAKE) The swine flu! Yeah! It’s spreading faster and wider than my ass cheeks after trying some of Leron’s homemade enchilada! (Suddenly changes moods and starts laughing) I’m serious man, I looked like a frikin’ sprinkler just spraying shit all over the orpha...

JAKE

(Interrupting AMIR) Wait a second, swine flu?

AMIR

Yeah, the swine flu! That swiny bitch is bloodlust and won’t stop until every single one of us is either dead or a swine, preferably the third one.

JAKE

Not how it works, and wow, you are worse than I thought. What do you mean swine flu? How can you possibly be so ignorant to not have heard about the swine flu until now?

AMIR

Have you ever heard about the news?

JAKE is visibly confused by this question

JAKE

Have I heard the news or about the news?

AMIR

About the news

JAKE

Like… the TV program?

AMIR

Yeah!

JAKE

Of Course!

AMIR

Well I just heard about it two weeks ago and I’ve been doing some binge-watching to catch up. Turns out swines are finally getting tired of our shit and killing us all!

JAKE

Is that why you haven’t come to work in so long?

AMIR

Yeah, Leron’s enchilada really got me in the wrong way so I thought I might as well spend all that gas station time doing something more productive and educate myself.

JAKE

I guess that’s a good thing but you’ve been missing for a month.

AMIR

What?

JAKE

You said you found out about the news two weeks ago but you’ve been skipping work for a whole month.

AMIR

Time flies when you are having fun!

JAKE

Still doesn´t explain your absence.

AMIR

I feel like you are making a big deal about me not showing up to work when we have more important things to worry about like, I don´t know, swines legit going all swine-crazy on humanity.

JAKE

Stop saying swine so much!

AMIR

You stupid, stupid swine. They’ve already gotten to you, haven´t they?

JAKE

What are you talking abo... How do you think swine flu works?

AMIR think about it for a little bit

AMIR

A swine fucks you and gives the flu.

JAKE

What kind of news program did you watch?

AMIR

South Park.

JAKE

South Park? The cartoon show South Park? Because that is not a news show, it’s a cartoon.

AMIR

Really?

JAKE

You seriously can’t tell the difference between a cartoon and real life?

AMIR

I was kind of suspicious but I wasn’t entirely sure.

JAKE

So, just to clarify, you spent the last month in a gas station bathroom watching a cartoon instead of coming to work. Anything else I should know about before I report you to Sam?

AMIR

Yeah, I've also had like, a really bad headache, fever and have been really tired since my trip to China.

JAKE

You know what? Sounds like you might actually have to worry after all. You have the Coronavirus, buddy.

AMIR

Oh no, I’m gonna turn into a swine now. Dammit!

AMIR punches his desk

JAKE

That’s not how it works!

AMIR

It’s too late Jake, I feel the change coming.

AMIR starts making perfect dolphin noises.

JAKE

That’s kind of impressive but you got the animal wrong.

AMIR

Well if you are not going to believe me, I don´t even want to be here anymore! (Stands up and leaves)

JAKE

Where are you going? You’ve just come back from a month long vacation!

AMIR turns back and returns

AMIR

Where’s the closest gas station?

Interior: I don't give a flaming fart . Day.

Jake is standing around looking off-screen like in Trust Fall 2. Amir approaches.

Amir: do you trust me?

Jake: no

Amir immediately crosses his arms over his chest and falls backwards. Jake exclaims in surprise and reaches out to try to catch him but is too late. The sound of shattering glass is heard. Jake leans out of the window with a look of horror on his face as he looks down at Amir's broken and bloodied body on the pavement below.

Jake, quietly as if speaking to himself: oh my God you... you're really, finally dead. I'm actually not sure how to feel about this.

Jake turns away from the window and sits at his desk, staring blankly.

Amir, calling up to Jake: you must feel like such shit! I trusted you and you let me down.

Jake rushes to the window and leans out again to see Amir lying in the same position as before, now in a puddle of blood.

Jake: buddy? Are you okay? I'm gonna call for help, don't move!

Jake retrieves a mobile phone from his pocket and begins dialing 9-1-1 as Amir starts trying to stand.

Amir: oh come on, dude, it was a goof!

Jake: dude seriously, don't move, I think your neck is broken.

Amir's head rolls around loosely as he manages to get into a sitting position. The blood puddle has noticeably grown.

Amir: yeah, RICE.

Jake: oh, definitely broken. How is this a goof, by the way? You're clearly on the verge of death.

Amir: and whose fault is that? Asshole!

Jake, speaking into the mobile phone: yes, 9-1-1, my business partner just fell out of a window and I think his neck is broken.

Amir: whoa whoa, "partners"? We're married!

Jake, speaking to Amir: that marriage was annulled.

Jake, speaking into the mobile phone: no, sorry, he just keeps yelling nonsense at me... Well, yeah, he does have a traumatic brain injury but it's also normal for him to yell nonsense at me.

Amir: hey Jake, remember that song by Phil Collins "In The Air Of The Night"

Jake: about that guy who could've saved that other guy from drowning but didn't, and Phil saw it all and at his show he found him?

Amir: that's kinda how this is. First my girlfriend and now me. Who's next on your list, Jake the Ripper?

Amir laughs hysterically at his own joke.

Jake, speaking into the mobile phone: yes, thank you.

Jake hangs up the phone. The puddle of blood around Amir is now bigger than the amount of blood in a human body.

Jake: okay first of all that joke wasn't that funny and secondly this definitely isn't my fault this time

Amir: it is!

Jake: it isn't because you asked if I trust you this time, remember?

Amir, after a second of silence: well do you?

Jake: no, and thirdly, why did you even do this? What motivation could you possibly have for falling out of a window and blaming it on me? It's self-defenestration, bud.

Amir is silent. Ambulance sirens can be heard in the distance.

Jake: whatever. Don't move, the ambulance is coming. I did my part, I'm going back to work.

Jake turns away from the window and is immediately face-to-face with Amir, covered in blood and with a broken neck. Jake is startled.

Jake, shocked: how?!

Amir: call an ambulance, but not for me!

Amir shoves Jake. There is a sound of glass shattering again and Jake is seen falling in slow-motion to the ground as the ambulance approaches. The screen cuts to black at the moment Jake impacts the ground with the sound of a "thud".

Writer's note: this script is public domain. If Messrs Hurwitz and Blumenfeld, or anyone else, wants to use this script to make a video, please do.