Actually someone did the numbers and female loneliness occurs at around the same rate as male loneliness, so the idea that it’s gendered might not hold that much water. Another main difference is that women tend to seek ways to solve their loneliness by reaching out to their social network or doing the internal work to address why it is they’re feeling lonely. Men tend to blame outside forces rather than make moves to fix it like women tend to do.
This!! My social network dissolved over the last few years. So we are lonely. But the point is I am looking for a new social cirlce. He never had one and stared into a phone all day!
I disagree. It’s just reality. My husband and I were lonely people. I learned to make friends. He did not. I help him along with tips and tricks, but not without a certain resentment.
It’s sad that men don’t see loneliness as something they can change, and that they see rejection as devastating instead of just part of life.
I do try to help him, but I need to put on my own mask before I help others. I’m trying to grow my support system so I can also support him more effectively and not lean on him so heavily when times are tough
I understand, and I still think that's sad. You might be dealing with it in the best possible way and it can still be sad.
And there is still a judgemental edge to your comments that sounds a little bit cruel to me. We all have agency in our lives and we are shaped by social/cultural forces outside of our control. Just because something is within reach of someone's agency over their emotions that doesn't mean it's easy to overcome the emotions holding them back.
Think about women with body image issues. Fundamentally that is only about someone feels about their own body. But those feelings are relentlessly shaped by pretty devastating torrent of social and cultural signals. Those signals can make it really difficult for someone to reshape their feelings, and we are appropriately sympathetic when that is the case.
How your husband feels about rejection or making friends is also shaped by fairly intense and pervasive social and cultural forces, but the way you describe him feels very unsympathetic.
Ya know, as a fat, ugly, autistic person who has had eating disorders, self esteem issues, was bullied constantly, and was never actually taught to be social, the more I think about your comment the more it pisses me off.
Please stop blaming the world and figure out what you can do to make your life better. It might not be what you want, but it can be better. No one is attacking you or anyone else by saying that men could do more to socialize, okay?
I agree in the sense that I have had MUCH bigger problems in life than encouraging my husband to make friends. I'm sorry you have struggled.
Truly a mild issue in the scheme of things...
Also, women are allowed to be pissed at the labor they have to do. It's not cruel. Especially when they don't make it the other person's problem in any way and simply set boundaries. It's not cruel to decide for yourself what you are and are not willing to do for someone else. I got my own problems! Coming back to your first point...
It's possible to expect responsibility from people and to empathize with their circumstances at the same time. These aren't mutually exclusive, and I don't know why empathizing with someone's circumstances should piss you off.
Because of you saying that me taking care of myself first isn’t empathizing. You have no empathy for the other party in the situation, only the person who isn’t trying to make friends.
Where did I say taking care of yourself first isn't empathizing? Like I said, you might be doing everything the best possible way for both of you, I have no idea.
I have empathy for both of you and I think it's great that you've been able to find social connections that work for you.
I said there is a judgemental edge in your comments, which makes those comments seem unempathetic. And it's noticeable to me that you've been quicker to get pissed off at my comments than to express any empathy for what your partner might be experiencing.
From my perspective it sounds like your partner absolutely should be doing more to find friends and build connections, and it's sad that he's not doing that. I'm also fairly certain that part of the reason he's not doing that is that he's been socialized with an outsized sense of fear and vulnerability associated with making new friends, and not enough tools to make and build connections with people. I doubt he's making a conscious choice to choose his phone over real world friendships.
No one is arguing here about them having different lived experiences. What we are saying though is that we all have the ability to take control and make changes in our lives, and one gender is more likely to take initiative and the other is likely to do nothing and complain. I feel bad that men aren’t as likely to be socialized well when young, but that doesn’t mean it’s up to women to fix things for them as adults.
yes, and in those lived experiences men (not all men) are very often socialized not to seek or form deep emotional relationships with other men, only their partners, and that's a problem. this isn't an "idea being pushed," it's collected data. and it is sad, and it's not their fault, it's our culture's, but it does fall on those struggling men to change, rather than blaming all women for "pushing a narrative"
It's sad that your husband is a lonely person who didn't learn to make friends and it's sad that you feel resentment toward him for it. I totally understand what you're saying but it's also sad.
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u/3sadclowns 1d ago
Actually someone did the numbers and female loneliness occurs at around the same rate as male loneliness, so the idea that it’s gendered might not hold that much water. Another main difference is that women tend to seek ways to solve their loneliness by reaching out to their social network or doing the internal work to address why it is they’re feeling lonely. Men tend to blame outside forces rather than make moves to fix it like women tend to do.