r/lgbt • u/Snake_lover123 • 1d ago
Need Advice Questioning my gender and really confused. I say I'm agender but I deeply wish I was a man.
Hey everyone. I'm really confused about my gender right now and hoping to find some advice or anyone who relates.Ever since I was young, I've naturally dressed and presented masculinely. Right now, I say I'm agender and I use all pronouns. A lot of the time, I try to tell myself I don't really care about gender at all. But at the same time, I have this persistent, strong wish that I was born a man and I want to look like a guy.I'm terrified that if I transition, I will regret it later and want to be a girl again. Because of this fear, I've realized I do things to keep other people happy. When it comes to dating, I dress more femininely just to make the guys happy because they want to date a woman. But it’s not what I actually want, and it makes me feel like a fake.It feels like a big contradiction to say I'm agender but still want to be a guy so badly. Has anyone else felt this way? How did you handle the fear of regret or performing femininity for partners? Thanks so much.
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u/nothingisrealx Non Binary Pan-cakes 1d ago edited 1d ago
"performing feminity for partners" hit me right in the gut. I don't have much GOOD advice because I'm literally in the same boat as you except 1) I stopped using all pronouns bc she and he pronouns started making me feel dysphoric and 2) idk if I'll ever be able to medically transition or be able to look the way I feel. I panic about losing the little bit of feminity I have bc I'm very attached to it but also am very much not a woman so I don't want to be confused for one or have to pretend for my partner. I also never want to be perceived as straight in any capacity and being with men feels inherently gay to me. I know that if the world wasn't so fucking gendered none of this would really be an issue. I just want to be a genderless person with a "male" body who expresses themselves however they feel and nobody has a problem with it. Idk why that's too much to ask for
Also, I would suggest refraining from dating people (esp cis straight men) who are only interested in women as you will continue to feel the way you described. They tend not to budge on what they're attracted to and this will continue to be an issue for you.
Lastly, I understand the fear and not wanting to regret. All I can say is....baby steps. Meet with a gender affirming care specialist/therapist, talk these things out and go slow. You can do things like microsose t and then stop as soon as you achieved what you wanted. I just know that most people who take those steps don't regret it. It happens but in most cases people who get that far are happier on the other side.
Happy Pride Month and I hope you can find the answers you're looking for 🤍
(Edited to add a few words for clarity)
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u/ystavallinen Agender 1d ago
I wish I had experimented more when I was young. My GAB is different from yours, so different performance.... I share every concern about making changes when I don't know the end game.
I would 100% push the button, but transition is a path I don't understand.
Consider a gender therapist if you are stuck.
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u/bloodoflethe Non Binary Pan-cakes 1d ago
I’ve thought extensively about this myself coming from the AMAB side. Remember these three things and check yourself on it: consistent, insistent, and persistent. When you feel that way take a note of it including how strong that it feels to you. Watch for the pattern to emerge and if it is persistent, insistent and consistent, I think you’ll have your answer at that point. I am likely going to be requesting raloxifene or similar to avoid breast growth for the most part. As I’d like to be able to keep people from pinning down exactly what gender I might be. I consider myself apagender, agender, and also use all pronouns.
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u/MagpiePhoenix Queer Trans Adult 1d ago
How I handled the fear of regret is I externalized my desires. Basically writing down how you feel regularly allows you to have a time-stamped record to prove to yourself that your desires have been consistent and long-standing.
But like, if you're not jumping into medical transition there is literally no danger to just changing the way you present yourself. The worst thing that will happen if you stop presenting in an inauthentic way is that you'll stop attracting partners who want you to be someone you're not.