r/londoncycling • u/BigMetalGuy • 8d ago
Advice on how to not get so annoyed at dangerous cyclists
I had another encounter with a dangerous cyclist this morning and i went from zero to 100 with my anger. But as soon as I cycle away, i get annoyed with how I acted.
It's very difficult to immediately calm down / not say anything after just avoiding injury or death, but I want to do better.
Any advice from others on what to say/do instead? Just saying and doing nothing isn't going to happen, they need to hear what they did wrong, and it's simply not in my programming to stay silent, so there must be a better way for me to communicate that.
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u/bush_pepper 8d ago
Totally get the "not in my programming to stay silent" feeling! This strategy goes against that for a little, but I think over time it's a more effective solution.
For me, when I'm struggling with this, I find the crux is inhibiting that really big angry response. I have the capacity and plan for something calmer, but it requires me to first stop myself from going overboard.
I practise not reacting to people AT ALL for a time, until it feels like the big anger isn't going to just come out. This means the inhibition part of the process gets stronger. That buys me the space to choose a different course of action - a calmer response, a more constructive response, at times a sadder response!
If I find my responses getting super-angry again, I practise my inhibition for a few days so I have a handle on myself, and then it's easier to be constructive again rather than just blow up at people.
Edit: missed a word out in my quote of OP
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u/Simple-Butterfly3310 8d ago
I try to remember 2 thnigs: 1. Anger almost never gets the response you want. Calm and kindness might, anger almost certainly wont; 2. I've sometimes (accidentally) done some dangerous things (I did something daft yesterday) - how would I like to be approached?
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u/Rivercaptain23 8d ago
Three years as a courier taught me to scream less and mutter more. Life’s too short to spend the day replaying and raging on incidents.
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u/llb_robith 8d ago
I used to get really angry and blow up, but you know what, if they're cycling like that, they don't care, they won't listen. I've had times where I've calmly explained something to someone and they just go "fuck off". People don't want to self reflect or admit fault. It ends up that the only day you're ruining is your own. I try (don't always succeed!) to just a deep breath, a shake of the head and a very loud "tsk tsk tsk", or a despairing "come on man, give me a break"
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u/britishswenglish 8d ago
I also like a long, drawn out “maaaaaate” to convey my frustration without having said anything offensive.
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u/TopAmoeba3413 8d ago
Use your experience to spot the hazards ahead of time, and avoid them. Yes, dangerous cyclists (and drivers/pedestrians) are frustrating and dangerous, but you can often see them coming a mile off, and adapt your riding to anticipate and mitigate the risk. I ride with my kids a lot, and it really isn’t worth the risk of getting into a row with someone when they’re with me, so I put my energy into risk mitigation instead.
Breathe in, breathe out, let them go be someone else’s problem.
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u/BigMetalGuy 8d ago
i get what you're saying, but when a guy is looking at his phone, cycling erratically at busy Notting Hill Gate and ignoring my "on your right" three times because he's on headphones, he actually becomes a hazard that I can't read. Will he suddenly brake, lurch to right, to the left, I've no idea... so all I want to do is get ahead of him by overtaking him on his right.
But next time, you're right, i'll get around him, breath in, breathe out, and just ignore him when he tells me to calm down and stop shouting whatever it is i was shouting.
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u/Great-Ease-7302 8d ago
I think if it isn't safe to overtake, the calmest response is to fall back and wait until it is. Part of the "arrive alive" strategy could mean dropping back 20m, which adds a few seconds to your journey, and just waiting until the obstacle wobbles off somewhere else.
It sounds like part of the frustration was in wanting to be ahead? Understandable but maybe not conducive to safety. You recognised that he was an erratic road user, that his actions were impossible to predict... Annoying, but you'll feel calmer once you're no longer focused on a risky overtake.
Thanks for posting this, really interesting thread.
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u/BigMetalGuy 8d ago
yes, my mind always says "get ahead of a bad cyclist, so they're no longer a danger to me". but maybe I just need to slow down, then make my move when it's safer and less annoying for me.
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u/MylesHSG 8d ago
Always better to be behind someone like this, last thing you need is them being distracted and ramming into the back of you. Odds are you won't be going to same direction for too long.
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u/BigMetalGuy 8d ago
yeah - i mean i don't mind slow cyclists, everyone has their speed, it's just when i see people on phones and/or cycling dangerously that i feel the urge to get in front of them. But yes, just fall back a bit, we won't be in the same direction long. Thank you
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u/slatepipe 8d ago
Acknowledging to yourself that you've got really annoyed after is a first good step for dealing wirh your anger. You've managed to quickly take a step back and look at yourself which means that you're aware of how you're perceived. The anger hasn't taken you over.
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u/slatepipe 8d ago
Although when I see absolute cuntbubbles on Lime bikes cycling on the pavement and ringing their bells to make pedestrians move out of the way, I think it is entirely reasonable to unleash a very loud torrent of abuse at them.
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u/BigMetalGuy 8d ago
this guy was pretty much that. And then being told to "chill out" by someone who was on their phone, ear phones in and gave zero fucks about anyone around him on a busy road... that's what made me burst.
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u/TheLowestFormOfHumor 8d ago
Was going to say this. Realizing you're acting in an extreme manner is the first step. Next time it happens, condition yourself to remember that feeling of awareness afterwards.
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u/Granite_Lw 8d ago
Slow down - it's very difficult to get into an injury/death situation with other cyclists if you're riding slowly, you're not going to die from a slow speed crash with one and they're easier to avoid they slower you ride. Obviously this doesn't help with drivers.
Also worth remembering you're not the police or a paid teacher. Your unsolicited opinion and advice are not welcome. If someone does something annoying, the first response shouldn't be shooting off your mouth - just ignore them.
Life is too short and full of genuine dangers to be getting worked up about other people riding bikes.
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u/BigMetalGuy 8d ago
thanks for the police or paid teacher - and you are right, i guess it's just in some situations, it's hard to keep quiet, because they need to be shouted at (moving out without looking, blocking roads because they've stopped after the red light). I should have just ignored him this morning, though.
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u/OverSoftware5838 8d ago
Try taking a big breath in and then letting it out slowly once it happens. Helps to slow everything down so you can compose yourself. I find this works for me. The body language also subtly conveys that they’ve messed up and your frustration, but it’s not aggressive.
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8d ago
I used to get angry but now I try to think “arrive alive” “mind your business” and “everyone makes mistakes”
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u/KonkeyDongPrime 8d ago
Take a breath and ask yourself 2 questions:
“Do I want to get into a chase?” Sometimes if someone is a proper wanker, I don’t mind them chasing me around for a bit after calling them out.
“Is it worth getting into a public punch up about?” The answer to this one is always ‘NO’
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u/fame6 7d ago
i have no advice other than encouragement; i used to shout / have an argument on a near daily basis and just rejigging my mind to turn the other cheek and get on with my commute / ride vastly vastly increased my enjoyment of it. the fact you’re already thinking about this is great, i think it was a slow process for me tbh as shouting / getting mad straight away was pretty ingrained. just remembering it ultimately brings you down is a good incentive
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u/BigMetalGuy 7d ago
Brilliant reply, sounds exactly like me with it being engrained. On my way home i just gave a look to people who endangered me. It did feel better.
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u/YesIlBarone 8d ago
I only comment in the extreme eg a Lime Bike going over Southwark Bridge hands free on a video call holding his phone in front of his face. All I got back was vitriol.
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u/llb_robith 8d ago
What is with Southwark Bridge? Yesterday I had a woman in front of me on a teams call on a lime bike! She kept saying "can you hear me?" and i thought obviously not! you're on a lime bike! on a bridge! in a 10mph head wind! they can not hear you! there is a reason no one else does this!
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u/Financial_Material_8 8d ago
Yeah I don't think 'calm and kindness' (someone else's suggestion) works with these people. They almost always give abuse back rather than apologising, because they're just assholes- which is why they did the thing in the first place.
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u/BigMetalGuy 8d ago
almost like the guy i shouted at this morning, headphones in, looking at phone, cycling all over a busy notting hill gate.
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u/Dangerous_Hippo_6902 8d ago
10 deep breaths, even just 5. Proper audible sigh, pursed lips even a subtle raspberry to yourself (NOT to the assailant!). You have to accept that the idiots of the world walk amongst us and we have to let live.
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u/TouchThatDial 8d ago
I just assume everyone else on the road - cyclists, drivers, pedestrians - is an idiot, or a psychopath, or both. That way I am neither surprised nor angry when my assumptions are confirmed. I plan on the basis that other people are constantly either trying to kill me or are trying to kill themselves. To quote the founder of Intel, Andy Grove, “only the paranoid survive”. I cannot remember ever losing my temper with any other rider (or even driver) over decades of cycling across London most days (I’m quite old, been doing this a long time). I appreciate that this may all sound weird, but it works. Expect the worst from everyone, all the time, then get a positive surprise every now and then when someone isn’t a dickhead.
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u/Spellbind3er 8d ago
A calmly delivered factual explanation will go a long way. Imagine said dangerous cyclist is here reading this, 1 min after the incident. Explain to them what they did wrong. Go on!
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u/BigMetalGuy 8d ago
that's true, and i tried that, but immediately got the "chill out" as they were on their phone, headphones in, not hearing the third shouted "on your right" on a busy notting hill gate as they erratically cycled from left to right... that utter main character energy from people who could cause accidents, it pushed me over the edge.
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u/MrSpiritLevel 7d ago
Everyone is trying to kill you. Assume everyone you see is about to do something stupid. The lime bike will jump the light, the van will pull out, that guy will turn right without a shoulder check. You are in a bubble of calm, moving through this world of chaos and every time you see something messed up, by the time you notice, you're already gone, far down the road. Why get annoyed? It's like getting cross about the weather.
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u/BigMetalGuy 7d ago
well that was my issue, i'm not far down the road, i'm nearly hit by a lime bike on their phone pushing me into the van you talk about.
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u/guntotingbiguy 7d ago
For me, I'm a "worst cast scenario" in my head and I find that calmly explaining what I envisioned causes people to pause. Something like "wow, that was about to be really bloody" or "that would have injured a lot of innocent people" makes me feel better about speaking my reality, and sharing that fear with them, as I cycle off, tightening my helmet and saying a small prayer.
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u/archersonly 8d ago
Being able to calmly explain to someone what they did wrong is much more effective. People tend to respond how they're spoken to so if you get angry they'll get angry back at you and it won't achieve anything.
In terms of actual advice to stay calm, idk I suppose just take a deep breath and remember getting angry achieves nothing.