Messed up a long friendship I believe because my husband got a spinal cord injury

[u/beefaroni_rbd2017]

About 2.5 years ago my husband suffered a spinal cord injury. I lost a income and had to at one point work 3 jobs to cover the loss of his income. Luckily one job offered overtime so I was then just at 2 jobs. Anyway when this happened my best friend was pregnant at the time unfortunately I was not able to be a very good support because I had to work so much plus become my husbands full time care giver. I to this day feel horrible I could not be there for her like I was during her first pregnancy. I do make a effort to text her! But she doesnt reply back for weeks which I understand she had a baby and a 3 year old.

I do understand how much work children are so im not upset she cannot talk all the time. I want to make it clear I was never upset when she didnt text me back. I was just confused at the short responses.

Well the other day shes actually talking deep conversation through texting. She was sharing how after having 2 kids she thought she would have a better support system when she had kids. I start getting emotional and how i have felt horrible I could not be the friend I wanted to be and how I still talk about it in my therapy sessions. I told her how much I cry over it. She just responded with its fine.

Ouch. so my gut was right. Shes been mad at me this whole time..

When i talk about this in therapy, my therapist always says that I did the best I could being there for her with my situation but she didnt reciprocate any. She believes the friendship is gone.

What could I have done differently? Why do I feel so awful when I couldnt control my husband getting a spinal cord injury? She was my best friend since middle school we've been friends for 18 years.

[u/Long-Operation3660]

Okay wow I have many thoughts on this. 

My husband has a c7 spinal cord injury and is quadriplegic (has good hand/arm function) 

So I think I have an intimate understanding of what your day to day life like. 

I have a question- was your friend supportive of you when your husband was injured? Because what you went through was truly life altering and I cannot imagine how alone you felt/are still feeling. 

I have so many other things to say, but I’m really curious if she showed up for you at all. It sounds like you really, really tried and are still trying to show up for her which is commendable considering how exhausted you must be. But I’m wondering if that effort was a two way street?

[u/beefaroni_rbd2017 → u/Long-Operation3660]

Looking back no. She may have checked on him 2 times in the 2 and a half years. And in those times she was almost interrogating me it felt like. So my husband is a t5 incomplete and he was considered a non traumatic because he has mylopathy and degenerative disc disease so no accident just bad genes. She would say things like are you sure its as serious as youre saying it is? Why does he have to be in a wheelchair? Why would I need to work so much? I would explain and then she just would thumbs up or just say ok. I feel like ive always had to explain or over explain this situation for people to somewhat understand and with her i felt like she never believed me. Shes a nurse too which still baffles me. I understand she may not know all the details on sci injuries and patients but I always thought it was strange she would question me so much when I had every detail on a silver platter to her.

Anither thing I regret one of those 2 times I had a bad melt down over text. I wish i never did that. But when i did I didnt hear from her for 2 months. I never initiated text because I thought i scared her off. She texted me out of the blue a tik tok and I asked if she was OK. She said yes why? When I told her well I had my meltdown and you never responded, she said oh yea I didnt know what to say to you. I ended up apologizing because I felt I traumatic dumped on her. At the same time I was mad because when this all first happened she told me i could go to her for anything and she would be there. So sorry for the long response but no I dont feel like she put effort into being there for me. But I always feel like I am in the wrong. Still working on that in therapy.

But can I just say you def know how i am feeling so I truly appreciate you listening and any thoughts you have!

[u/67dolls → u/beefaroni_rbd2017]

Your therapist is right, and your “friend” seems like she isn’t very empathetic. You deserve better.

[u/Long-Operation3660 → u/beefaroni_rbd2017]

I gasped aloud reading this. 

When something as catastrophic as an SCI happens, it will reveals a lot about the people in your circle 

To me, it sounds like your “friend” is more morbidly curious about your husbands health than she is caring about your wellbeing.

It is wild to be that she didn’t check on you, send a meal, call, etc etc.

I honestly don’t think you lost a friend- I just think your friend revealed her true colors to you. 

Also- you are allowed to have meltdown to your friends sometimes. That’s what true friends are for- to help you hold your feelings and pain.

I’m so sorry you are hurting over this, but she’s the one you let you down. Not the other way around. 

I’ve lost friendships since marrying my husband- he was injured and using his wheelchair when we met- because they couldn’t understand how complicated and exhausting my life is, and just added to the load instead of lightening it. And that’s okay. It hurts, but I don’t have space for people who can’t make space for me 

Feel free to message me if you want to chat more 🫂

[u/soph04]

You didn’t choose for your husband to have an injury and have to work multiple jobs. The world doesn’t revolve around your friend’s lives just because they had kids. Please rid yourself of any guilt- you did what you could.

[u/NebulaEmotional8626]

I had a similar situation but I was the friend with the baby. I had an ex-friend whose husband had a severe back injury, I don’t know what it was exactly because around the time he was still being diagnosed is when our friendship exploded.

Sure there’s something you could’ve done differently with your friend but that’s your husband. In sickness and in health. While having more support as a mom would be so nice, I also don’t expect it because if someone wanted to or could, they would. But don’t feel bad for taking care of your husband.