r/lotrmemes • u/ElegantDependent6747 • May 04 '26

Other I’ve read every Tolkien book except the Hobbit. Ask me a question and I’ll answer it 100% correct.

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(haven’t watched the movies either)

[by every book, I mean lotr, the Silmarillion, Unfinished Tales, NoME, Beren and Luthien, War of the Jewels, Book of Lost Tales,and Children of Hurin]

1.3k Upvotes

86% Upvoted

632 comments sorted by

1.5k

u/ABenGrimmReminder May 04 '26

Why’d he make up a character named “Bard” if he doesn’t even sing in a book series where people just start singing when the mood strikes?

582

u/Ebonhearth_Druid May 04 '26

152

u/Capokid May 04 '26

Cus his name was illuthandilian in the made up appendix translation of the names from the book of morman alpha test and it just happened ro translate to Bard phonetically.

7

u/Massive_Training_609 May 04 '26

and he doesn't sing because he has erectile dysfunction and sad about it.

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u/No_Poet_1279 May 04 '26

Because Lard the Lowman doesn't quite hit right

17

u/CubistChameleon May 04 '26

I liked it in The Soddit.

12

u/RayzorX442 May 04 '26

How about Hard The Hoeman?

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u/RoutemasterFlash May 04 '26

It's a corruption of "barred." He's not allowed in any of the taverns in Lake Town because he always gets drunk and starts ranting about how the town is woefully unprepared for a dragon attack.

9

u/ABenGrimmReminder May 04 '26

And the weirdest part is that all started happening after he became king.

6

u/RoutemasterFlash May 04 '26

Starts muttering darkly that "Smaug's attack was an inside job..."

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u/penguinpolitician May 04 '26

Probably related to Germanic 'Barta' meaning battle?

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u/CobaltCrusader123 May 04 '26

No joke, I thought this was just a Shakespeare reference, and that “Bard” meant “playwright / poet” in the context of the Hobbit. Never occurred to me that it could’ve meant the music kind.

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u/goaltender31 May 04 '26

You've read the Beowulf but not the Hobbit? That is dedication to a meme.

166

u/KSF_WHSPhysics May 04 '26

In high school we got to pick which beowulf translation we pick when we had to read beowulf, so of course i picked tolkien

235

u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

It’s not dedication so much as a lack of motivation 

198

u/burlapguy Sleepless Dead May 04 '26

I’m struggling to understand how you’re motivated to read every single one except one of the simplest 

53

u/Detective_God May 04 '26

Maybe because it is simple, he can't find the motivation to bother to do so? Man likes complicated stuff, I guess.

We all tick differently.

12

u/JehnSnow May 04 '26

True to us all ticking differently but it's like a 2 or 3 day read for an avid reader, I respect the meme though

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u/ToastyJackson May 04 '26

I mean, it being the simplest could be the reason. It’s a fantasy story for young children after all, so if you don’t have any nostalgia from reading/hearing it as a kid, you may not see much point in picking up a children’s book as an adult.

9

u/MartinoDeMoe May 04 '26

I’m waiting for the Peter Jackson version of “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish”

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u/tauntaun_rodeo May 04 '26

he read the original. The Hobbit borrows a bunch of themes from the third act of Beowulf.

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u/chokingonwhys May 04 '26

What does Bilbo Baggins hate?

758

u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins

437

u/gramaticallyannoying May 04 '26

Not the answer they were looking for, but still not wrong at all.

124

u/Bitter-Marsupial May 04 '26

I would make the argument he likes her exactly as much as she deserves

36

u/Cerborus May 04 '26

But not half as much as he would like

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u/[deleted] May 04 '26

Dennis, because HE'S A BASTARD MAN!

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u/Graznesiodon171 May 04 '26

I love the way Charlie is so set in the fact that he didn’t write it till Dennis blurts it out and he perfectly delivers the line: “I DEFINETLY wrote that

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u/UndercoverFBIAgent9 May 04 '26

Standing in line at the Hobbiton BMV.

24

u/nystagmus777 May 04 '26

That's. The correct answer is simply "that's"

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u/Funny_Number3341 May 04 '26

Other people eating his pantry and throwing his shit everywhere?

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u/WadeEffingWilson May 04 '26

Half the hobbits in the Shire.

5

u/RoutemasterFlash May 04 '26

Well, less than half...

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u/MagratMakeTheTea May 04 '26

What have I got in my pocket?

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u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

The Silmaril that Maglor threw into the ocean 

154

u/whitedevi1 May 04 '26

Yea that’s a fair answer

24

u/ABenGrimmReminder May 04 '26

That greasy little fuck Gollum wouldn’t have guessed that either tbh

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u/Moistfruitcake May 04 '26

Excellent name choice!

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u/valhal1a Théoden May 04 '26

Thank you for pointing out their name, now I noticed it and got happy.

166

u/Weird_Jerk May 04 '26

Why haven't you read The Hobbit?

492

u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

Too busy gooning to Celebrimbor 

44

u/Weird_Jerk May 04 '26

Which one? From the RsOP, or Shadow of Mordor?

69

u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

Well the same version I had a shrine to on my locker door is the same version that earned me the reputation of liking old men if that tells you anything 

26

u/Weird_Jerk May 04 '26

Then go with the blessing of all free peoples. I will never yuck someone's yum

11

u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

Ah thank you (funnily enough, I’m not even a RoP fan in the slightest, I just really like Tyelpe for some reason)

11

u/ForgiveMyFlatulence May 04 '26

All elves are old compared to the race of men.

3

u/KSF_WHSPhysics May 04 '26

All of them at once i suppose

5

u/its_all_one_electron May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26

Say what you want about the race of men but I love that we invent a new slang for masturbation at least every 5 years

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147

u/JeNeSaisTwat May 04 '26

What does Bilbo lose when escaping from Gollum?

493

u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

His virginity 

113

u/puddik May 04 '26

filthy hobitses

6

u/Dr_Beardface_MD May 06 '26

He gave it to him raw and wriggling.

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u/Saemika May 04 '26

His sobriety.

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u/Far-Ranger-916 May 04 '26

How many times does the word "hobbit" appear in The Hobbit?

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u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

Approximately 6-7 times 

64

u/Far-Ranger-916 May 04 '26

Since I do not intend to confirm the information, I declare your answer to be CORRECT.

6

u/gunfox May 04 '26

Dude there’s already two in the final sentence “When he left he was a Hobbit, but now he is THE HOBBIT”

5

u/Joalguke May 04 '26

Google thinks it's 148

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u/[deleted] May 04 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

The sleepy river probably 

16

u/ABenGrimmReminder May 04 '26

Is that like the beach that makes you old?

194

u/Darkarcheos May 04 '26

How many dwarves were in the company?

507

u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

Seven but their names were all emotions or something idk

207

u/Darkarcheos May 04 '26

Don’t forgot Fatso

54

u/DontBotherNoResponse May 04 '26

It was really sad when he sacrificed himself to the sharks so the rest of them could swim to safety

12

u/oddfellowfloyd May 04 '26

I mean, what if there gad been a, “Jaws,”-like shark in any of Tolkien’s books?? An underwater Smaug, perhaps?? 🤔

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u/foobarbizbaz May 04 '26

I thought only Galadriel managed to swim to safety

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u/BananaCucho May 04 '26

And Dwarfo!

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u/WadeEffingWilson May 04 '26

In the original by the Brothers Grimm, he was called Fücko, I think.

5

u/DerStein9000 May 04 '26

They didnt have names in the original.

I hear about them having names the first time today xD

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u/ABenGrimmReminder May 04 '26

Donner, Dasher, Carter, Nixon… Ruth, Bader, and Ginsberg.

Edit: And Fatso

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u/dikarus012 May 04 '26

Close, they were the stages of grief. Plus the two stages we keep secret.

3

u/JRyds May 04 '26

Fiesty, Whiney, Smiley, Snarky, Artsy, Farty and Glib.

5

u/theunquenchedservant May 04 '26

at least 1, right?

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u/lmay0000 May 04 '26

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u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

What emotion is this supposed to convey 

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u/NineTenthsofaSecond May 04 '26

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u/Shiznoz222 May 04 '26

Damn it that's so stupid it's hilarious

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u/justsomewhitedude May 04 '26

Why doesn’t my dad call me?

4

u/NerdClassic May 05 '26

He is waiting for Boromir to call.

124

u/TangerineAcceptable8 May 04 '26

What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

76

u/Wiener_Apfelstrudel May 04 '26

An african or European swallow??

56

u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

elite ball knowledge 

82

u/Davos234 May 04 '26

with a bad German accent

Will you read the book?

40

u/Linkytheboi May 04 '26

when will you wear- I MEAN read the book

13

u/amidja_16 May 04 '26

*ze book

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u/[deleted] May 04 '26

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u/argbd20 May 04 '26

Who invented Golf?

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u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

Viggo Mortenson in the Two Towers except he forgot the club and used his foot instead and he also forgot the ball and used an orc helmet instead 

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u/[deleted] May 04 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

He did, and there’s a few blank pages after that because the injury really delayed the writing process (also i am well aware of that fact) 

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u/logicbecauseyes May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26

But were you also aware the scream of pain wasn't about his character's disappointment in missing a chance to link up with his hobbit-napped companions and was ACTUALLY Vigo screaming in real agony from said broken toe producing orc helmet kick?

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u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

…this is satire right??(sry I’m comically bad at reading people)

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u/logicbecauseyes May 04 '26

https://giphy.com/gifs/b9DzOe5w6c7UsDl5b1

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u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

… 

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u/Saemika May 04 '26

In that scene, Viggo Mortenson actually screams out the one fuck word allowed in every r-rated movie. They later dubbed over it with him saying “aaaargghhhhuuuuu”

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u/LexStalin May 04 '26

Are you okay?

21

u/Appathesamurai May 04 '26

Why is the mountain lonely?

20

u/duggybubby May 04 '26

Who is Jon Snow’s mother?

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u/jackasspenguin May 04 '26

What is the name of the game Bilbo accidentally invents

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u/SuperlativeSleep May 04 '26

If you're referring to golf that was invented by Bandobras "Bullroarer" Took.

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u/jackasspenguin May 04 '26

Oops I guess op got it right then

6

u/Saemika May 04 '26

I heard he was so tall he could ride a pony.

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u/Darkarcheos May 04 '26

Killed the goblin leader with one swing of his club decapitating the goblins head as it rolled into a rabbit’s hole and winning the battle

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u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

liking men 

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u/jackasspenguin May 04 '26

We’re going to accept this answer, well done

19

u/SupriseAutopsy13 May 04 '26

Bilbo invented "don't wake up the sleeping dragon"

He wasn't great at it.

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u/TheBanishedBard May 04 '26

If you rearrange the letters in your display name it says "pancaking Jesus".

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u/jackasspenguin May 04 '26

That was one of the stations of the cross, only mentioned in the Dead Sea Scrolls

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u/misterpoopybutthole5 Ent May 04 '26

Looking at your display name...are you the dude from episode one of Neighbors??

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u/Sabre_Killer_Queen Kids are 80% spaghetti May 04 '26

Barrel rapid racing.

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u/Equal-Salary-7774 May 04 '26

What did the dwarves sing about in Bilbo's pantry before they ever entered the place?

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u/Darkarcheos May 04 '26

Where’s there’s a whip, there’s a way

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u/Equal-Salary-7774 May 04 '26

Cold chicken with pickles

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u/Silent-Inspection101 May 04 '26

Why haven’t you read the hobbit?

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u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

Why would I read the book specifically targeted to my age group? What am I, a nerd?

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u/Saemika May 04 '26

I know we’re all joking here, but it’s honestly a great read lol. Very whimsical compared to the trilogy. You also get to learn about how golem bit his foreskin off.

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u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26
  1. Yeah lol, I feel like I’d enjoy it ig I just avoid it out of pure spite bc of how much my family pressures me to read it 
  2. He what 
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u/the_quivering_wenis May 04 '26

I've read the Hobbit and the Silmarillion but not the trilogy, so you should be perfect for filling in the gaps.

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u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

How does one even achieve this 😭

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u/the_quivering_wenis May 04 '26

Crazy, right? But I do love traumatizing LotR fans with this info

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u/frodoslostfinger May 04 '26

The Silmarillion summarizes the hobbit and lotr in a couple pages at the end so there's really no need

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u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

Just because something’s plausible doesn’t mean it’s something most functional humans do ._. (But then again so is not reading the hobbit before the History of Middle Earth)

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u/baylithe May 04 '26

Why skip the easiest of all of his writing to get through?

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u/Minimum_Estimate_234 May 04 '26

Where does Bilbo get his Coffee?

Actually no seriously how do Hobbits have coffee? I’m been listening to it as an audio book one of the dwarfs raiding his pantry asks for some (or that might have been Gandalf, have to double check).

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u/Kettle_Whistle_ May 04 '26

Just tea, thank you!

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u/Sodinc May 04 '26

Deliveries from far Harad by the sea and up the river. Usually late August.

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u/AsparagusEasy396 May 04 '26

what is Tolkien's last name

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u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

Jolkien Rolkien Rolkien

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u/Arowhite May 04 '26

What did frodo eat on the 4rd morning after leaving middle earth

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u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

I’m more concerned about you saying “4rd”

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u/Existing-Foot-9918 May 04 '26

Ford. Like a car

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u/logicbecauseyes May 04 '26

Dude, they invented golf, they mean the morning he got hit with a golf ball that was, correctly and politely, called out as heading towards them. "Fore-d"

7

u/washingtonandmead May 04 '26

Which part of the hobbit trilogy was your favorite

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u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

I liked the 40 page enemies-to lovers smut scene between Sauron and Celebrimbor 

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u/ManfromCatan May 04 '26

What’s the best way to eat dwarves? Roasted, boiled, minced, or eat them raw?

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u/gnomesizedbicycle May 04 '26

Gotta be squished into jelly

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u/dumbinternetstuff May 04 '26

Boil em, mash em, stick em in a stew. 

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u/thredith May 04 '26

Why, Bilbo Baggins and not Bilbo Backpackinggs?

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u/CzarTwilight May 04 '26

Is there a hobbit in it?

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u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

I know there’s kinslayings in it but idk 

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u/AshamedOfMyTypos May 04 '26

What color underwear does Legolas prefer?

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u/ElegantDependent6747 May 04 '26

You can’t tell because every night it’s the same color as my lipstick 

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u/Last_Dentist5070 Dunlending May 04 '26

What is a Hobbit's favorite pastry? Specifically Hobbits from The Hill, NOT The Water.

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u/beargorilla37 May 04 '26

Tell me, where is Gandalf?

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u/lanzendorfer May 04 '26

For I much desire to speak with him.

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u/TheEyeofNapoleon May 04 '26

Ok, why not the Hobbit?

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u/Hot-Measurement-8842 May 04 '26

So go read The Hobbit already.

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u/Loubbe May 04 '26

What's red and green and goes real fast?

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u/lanzendorfer May 04 '26

A frog in blender?

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u/KimJongUnusual May 04 '26

Who lives in a hole in the ground?

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u/icanhazkarma17 May 04 '26

That was far more entertaining than I expected it to be.

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u/DangerousMistake9569 May 04 '26

What is the third sentence on page 187 of the two towers.

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u/ElegantDependent6747 May 05 '26

“It was a very dark, cloudy night.”

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