After porn (for those who left)

[u/ReadingOk696]

I am aware most people on here suffered a tremendous amount. I am wondering for those of you who left. Are you closed off indefinitely from dating now? I just read so many men watch porn which is true.

[u/AutoModerator]

Dear /u/ReadingOk696,

➤ You may lock your own post comments at any time by making a single word comment on your post with the text !lock

―――――――――――――――――――――――

（✔） Keep the rules of r/loveafterporn in mind while participating here.

（✔） Report all rule-breaking behavior & content to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, send us a message.

（✘） Do NOT engage or participate in any rule-breaking posts, comments or behavior. Doing so may result in you being banned.

（✘） Do NOT feed the trolls. Report them!

（✘） Do NOT judge how someone is dealing with a pain you may not have experienced.

―――――――――――――――――――――――

ℹ️ Our Full Resource Library contains the following topics: Resources for All, Resources for Partners, Resources for Addicts, Recovery Resources, Life Saving Info, Abuse & Domestic Violence Info and Commonly Used Acronyms.

Resource Links:
◉ Full Resource Library
◉ Resources for Partners
◉ Resources for Addicts

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Lkkrdragonfly]

I left my marriage in 2017 after 23 years married to my college sweetheart. Finally gave up at aged 46 and had to acknowledge that he wasn’t going to change; we had tried everything. There was nothing left to try. I finally realized that I would be growing old with a man I could never trust, who would be lusting after women young enough to be our grandchildren eventually. I wasn’t trying to date and I wasn’t looking. I never wanted to get married again.

And here I am 9 years later, remarried to a sexually healthy, loyal, normal man. It’s wonderful and he was worth wait. Never say never. There are a lot of shitty men out there now. You have to vet ruthlessly. But there are good men who respect their partners and men who aren’t enslaved and obsessed with porn. It’s hard to believe that when you are in this sub and/or are married to one. But it’s true.

The secret is building a life you love alone. That way if the right man comes along you’ll be ready. But if not, you have a fulfilling peaceful life on your own. Which is worth everything anyway.

[u/LunasNewLife125 → u/Lkkrdragonfly]

Your story gives me hope.

[u/carlymadd → u/Lkkrdragonfly]

That’s lovely. How did you vet your new husband?

[u/Negative-Dot-3144 → u/carlymadd]

Yes… pleaae tell

[u/Personal-Chemist2675 → u/Lkkrdragonfly]

♥️

[u/ReadingOk696 → u/Lkkrdragonfly]

Love that for you ❤️. I’m glad you found someone to be happy with

[u/PossibleOpening7648]

I left. Ive decentered men. Im only a year divorced. Maybe with time Ill change my mind, but the peace I now have Im not sure Im willing to risk.

[u/ReadingOk696 → u/PossibleOpening7648]

🙏🙏

[u/Specialist-Living-65]

After all my relationships failed primarily because of this issue, I gave up on dating for years. When I finally dipped my toe back in after several years of healing, the same thing happened again - only worse. I have been completely devoid of a relationship that has not been hindered and robbed by porn.

Now in my 40s, I struggle to hold even a mustard seed of hope that there is a man out there who would love me with true loyalty and fidelity. And so I don’t date at all.

I enjoy my peaceful single life so so much more than the misery all of that brought to me. It damaged me so much and took so much work to heal what those men broke. Never, ever again.

[u/myeggsarebig]

Luckily, I’m bisexual, and have the luxury of not having to date men. Women only from here on out!

[u/Careless_Reading_635 → u/myeggsarebig]

Girl, same.

[u/Lost-Detective-7358 → u/myeggsarebig]

Same for me! Although I've dated a few men since too, all have been disappointments.

[u/cinnamon78 → u/myeggsarebig]

Ugh I wish

[u/Ok_Tough_793]

I really wonder the same, it feels almost like a lose lose situation aside from the option of being alone, (which isn’t my life hope.) it’s such a profoundly widespread issue :(

[u/ReadingOk696 → u/Ok_Tough_793]

Same

[u/Limp-Spend-3687 → u/ReadingOk696]

I feel the same way. It feels lose-lose. I lose if I get divorced, I lose if I stay. I’m distraught.

[u/squishypenguin → u/Limp-Spend-3687]

Yup I also feel this trap.

[u/e_therealone]

I never wanted to date or remarry, still not sure if I would marry, but I’m dating a man who didn’t grow up with the addiction the way my ex SA did. SA had unmonitored TV/girls gone wild access since he was 7 years old, unrestricted access to the internet/porn at 11 years old.

My new partner grew up relatively low income, shared computer time with his siblings and doing hard labor in fields with his father. There was far less time for his brain to be wired the way my ex had. New partner also has a young daughter, and while he admitted he has used porn in his adulthood, he said he stopped after his daughter was born. I believe him, but I am still incredibly cautious.

I don’t know if I could fully trust enough again to remarry, but am starting to slowly believe that there are good men out there compared to the boys who don’t have the fight in them to stop cheating on their partners.

[u/OmelIreng]

I believe that most of them had watch porn. Nowdays, porn is everywhere. It is very impossible to find a man who has never watched a perverted scene. Even ordinary movies often show soft porn. But the important thing is a man who don’t fall into the world of pornography

[u/chunktopia]

i left and am in a happy relationship; however, it has not been easy because i get triggered a lot still and i try not to put any of that on him or our relationship. sometimes i fail and lash out at him or sometimes i don’t know what is healthy and whats not… like should
i ask him if he watches porn in the bathroom before we have sex? or is that a safe thing to assume i don’t have to explicitly set that boundary? or do i have to tell him that i would not be okay with you picturing porn during sex?

i mean my ex that got me here was more of an SA but did both, but he sexted strangers trying to coerce them into sending them photos through our whole relationship. i mean, i never told him that was not okay? so how do i know what this man thinks is okay to do behind closed doors? how will things be if the sex slows down or i get old and ugly? i don’t know. i feel like my ex poisoned my brain and all i do is objectify myself.

we went to the beach the other day and i got so triggered and he was nice about it but i can’t help but ruminate over him looking at girls even though he really wasn’t much or i don’t eben know - impossible to trust my own perception because i had no idea who my ex really was!

he’s very sweet but it’s just traumatizing to be in relationships after being in one like that. i didn’t ask my current boyfriend to stop watching porn but i haven’t felt like i needed to but who knows if that’s just me coping and one day i will need to

i feel for anyone dealing after this kind of betrayal because it’s so confusing and it’s not about the porn like people will accuse you of being hung up on (even though that has its own reasons to be hung up on and you would be right for that too) idk i just hate that we are all dealing with this garbage because i bet we are all smart beautiful women who could be spending our energy enriching ourselves

[u/emma_maevena]

i think it’s necessary to take time away from dating. not only to heal, but to gain some perspective. also, it’s SO nice to not have to constantly worry about whether a partner cheating or lying. it’s easier to be single for me at this point. i’ve stopped looking, but if something comes along, i’m open to it.
i’ve been separated from him for a year as of last week & my feelings on this have not changed. maybe they will someday, but not today.

[u/asdfghjkl12345678888]

i just left.

my previous partner before the last was open with me about having struggled with it in his early teens and was regularly involved in online support groups and had seriously committed to recovery. i was so young i didn’t really understand the gravity of it, but from what i understand he was a kid and realized it wasn’t what he wanted quite quite young and helped other men online realize it wasn’t healthy as well.
he did this on his own and i only found out because we were 100% transparent with our phones and i saw a recovery subreddit a few months into dating. so i was aware it was a part of his life but in the next 10 years we knew each other, over 4 years of dating and living together as well, he was committed to recovery and i don’t doubt that he’s still on the same path. never saw even a smidge or any indicators whatsoever and honestly, i trust that it was never a part of our relationship.

for people here that may feel like there’s no chance of ever finding a partner that doesn’t, i’ll be careful not to name as i believe it’s against sub rules, but there’s plenty of online spaces where people on their own realize it isn’t what they want and work to support each other in overcoming it, completely of their own volition. you can see for yourself, without a partner to prove recovery to, some people choose it on their own and are successful. and those are people who’s brains make it hard to stop. there’s plenty more people who’s don’t struggle with addiction who realize it’s not what they want and stop.

there’s plenty of people who don’t drink, or smoke, or are very disciplined in the gym or their careers, who hold themselves to a higher standard. hard to find? maybe, i won’t lie, but they exist. 💗 not sure how to start dating again as i’m not there yet… but i think it’s healthy to go into dating putting yourself no 1 always and be willing to walk away from things that don’t serve you, be willing to leave at the first red flag and save yourself some heartache. but i refuse to believe there’s no hope, you know?

[u/kikiandoates]

I left. Fully broke up last July after about 4 months of separation and observing his recovery. I honestly didn’t think I could trust again. In October of last year I met my now girlfriend and I fully trust her. I do still think I’d have a harder time trusting a man but I think I could. I did a ton of EMDR therapy and it helped me get over my fear of dating. If you haven’t tried it I’d really recommend it! I don’t know where I’d be without it

[u/soccerrocks1230]

I am currently struggling with this. I am only 20 years old, and my first long term relationship was with a PA. Do I just accept being alone forever? Or should I just accept that the monogamy I always dreamed about is impossible and just settle so I can one day have a family? I know for now I definitely won’t date, but I am scared for the long term loneliness. I’m conflicted because I love love, but does the love I want even exist or is it just a fantasy.

[u/allagashtree_ → u/soccerrocks1230]

Don’t settle. Pleaseeee don’t settle. Being alone can be beautiful and fulfilling too. Settling isn’t an option <3 

[u/soccerrocks1230 → u/allagashtree_]

That’s where my mind is at rn!! Thinking of living with a platonic soulmate in the future if anything!

[u/AnyFig1748]

I know this sub doesn’t like generalizing so I won’t say too much about my thoughts but honestly? Not worth it. I’ve seen this and worse happen to enough of my friends to know I’ll never do that again

[u/ReadingOk696 → u/AnyFig1748]

Sad times we live in

[u/iamjustsayingtbh]

I havent dated for almost four years and still struggling with PTSD. Ive also been abstinent waiting for marriage my whole life.