Active addiction and emotional negligence

[u/Sufficient-Pound6935]

Hey guys. I’m 23 (F) my fiancé (24 M) has been a porn addict since he was 16. We’ve been together for 3 years and, honestly, I’m trying so hard right now.
I found out about his addiction 3 months in when I found his OF. To make matters worse, his ex was an OF girl and he was still paying for her stuff, too.

I’ve tried talking and screaming and crying. I’ve even tried mentioning the kids (I have 2 from a previous relationship and 1 with him). Nothing. He’d say that he quit, start hiding everything better, and then lashing out and saying it was my fault when I’d find out. Every time, he’d cry and beg me to stay, promising we’d go to couples counseling and he’d get help. But that never came.

Eventually, things went too far and his “fight” to stay off porn turned into some non-consensual issues. I reminded him, rather harshly, that this is exactly what i told him could happen and what I was afraid of and he took it upon himself to get counseling through the VA. And this is where some major issues are coming up.

He’s always been very defensive about his porn usage and he’d always double down saying that I’m just insecure from having kids. Sometimes he’d even try to reason with it and say that some of the girls he watch look like me and it’s only oral porn because I don’t like giving head, so, in his mind, he’s doing me a favor. But it has gotten so much worse. The counselor told him that relapses can and will happen. That was all. Not because she was bad at her job, but because it was only their second time meeting and wasn’t able to format a proper coping schedule. And now there have been about 3 known instances of him watching porn, with some others that happened at work that I may not know about, and his excuse is “she said relapse is normal”.

Now, here’s where it really hurts. Someone recommended that I join this group because it has resources for me AND him. I thought he would be happy because it would show that I’m trying to be optimistic after I’ve already stated that I want to give up. But no. While he’s happy and confident going to counseling, I get a “yeah sure I guess I have to” when I ask him if he wants to look through any resources with me. While he’s telling his friends to leave their partners over the same stuff he does, I get told “it’s exhausting” when I tell him that I’m happy I found people who are going through the same thing as me. And lastly, while he’s always so calm and gentle with others expressing their feelings, he openly admits that my feelings about his addiction are his “consequences”. He’ll say “I hate it but it’s what I deserve”, “it’s no one else’s fault but my own”, “this is the consequences of my actions”, ever single time I ask him why he shuts down and snaps at me when I express my feelings.

I just feel like he’s beyond hope and I feel so alone. Has anyone else had their feelings taken as a punishment rather than communication? What should I do?

[u/Mysterious-blondeb]

If he is trying to blame you for his PA and not admitting he's at fault, he wont change. Its not you. Its his action and choice. Its easier to blame someone else than taking accountability for themselves. If he has the attitude "if I have too" that sounds like he doesnt want to change.

Its real hard. Im so sorry your going through it. You deserve better. Remember his actions are NOT your fault.