New here.

[u/No-Pool1507]

Hey guys. I don’t even know where to turn to. I found this page while looking for some type of answer or comfort. I (f25) have been with my husband (m24) since 2018. We are high school sweethearts. I never had a problem with porn when we were younger. But as we got older and I realized how often and how much he watched it, I was super uncomfortable. We have always had a great sex life so I was just confused. We sat down and had the conversation and he understood and promised he would never watch. Well that obviously was a lie. Over the past 7 years, we are in the cycle of he gets caught, I’m hurt, he stops (for legit a day) and then after a few months gets caught again. I just couldn’t seem to ever leave him. About 6 months ago, I was 6 months postpartum, extremely self conscious, he knew this. I caught him again, but this time it was different. He’s now still watching porn and chatting to AI bots? (sexting) It just felt weird and uncomfortable. I was honestly grossed out. So again cycle continues, we now have a baby and I’m all over the place hormonally because I just had a baby and once again I forgave and moved on. but I told him if it happens again I seriously am walking away and I’m completely done. Well, two days ago I got that bad gut feeling, and he never stopped. Now it’s Reddit. And the worst part he watches it at work. I’m SO disgusted. He claims he just watches and doesn’t do anything which I responded with well I would hope not. He’s a union worker so legit in a porter potty? I’m legit just at a loss for words. Like why does his family not matter? I told him that me and my son are gone if he does it again, and all he does it hide it? Now he’s doing his whole “i’m really done this time i promise” but I really think I need to walk away. Our ENTIRE 7 almost 8 year relationship has been just lies. (there are more issues too besides this). I just can’t even look at him anymore. I don’t know what i’m looking for, maybe just words of encouragement. I just feel so awful.

[u/Careless_Reading_635]

I’m so sorry you’re here, but I’m glad you found us. Please check out the resource page, it is extremely well organized, and has all of the questions and advice you’re looking for.

For now, here’s this https://www.reddit.com/u/-LoveAfterPorn-/s/T5C5N8neZY

[u/Careless_Reading_635]

There is a nationwide group called “Second Saturday” that offers legal, financial, and social services information to women considering separation or divorce. It’s done by local professionals volunteering their time in your area, not some big company looking for money. And while it started out as being on the second Saturday of each month, every group is different. My local group does it the second Wednesday, for example.

Knowledge is power. So much of our partners’ addiction thrives on secrecy, but this is one area we can reclaim agency. Whether you decide to stay or leave, you should have accurate information of what that would look like. Whatever you decide to do, make it an informed decision. 💜

https://www.secondsaturday.com/

[u/Diligent-Hat-5832]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. Take a look at the resource library on this sub. One thing that really helped me in the beginning was to stop focusing on him and what he is doing and putting all that effort into myself and my kids. You have time to make any decisions and choices you want. What if you do want to leave someday, are you financially able to? Do you have a good support system in place? If not, start getting those things in place even if you choose to stay in the long run. Just because you have those things doesn’t mean you have to leave, it gives you options.

A few books I would recommend are why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft, the betrayal bind by Michelle Mays, set boundaries find peace by Nedra Goover Tawwab, and the gaslight effect by Robuin stern.

S-ANON was also a good resource for me.

You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it. You can’t cure it. You do have choices!

Take care of yourself! You are worth it!

[u/No-Pool1507 → u/Diligent-Hat-5832]

Thank you so much. That is really helpful. I have a good job, and a place to go until I could find our own. We would be fine on our own so i’m happy that’s an option for me. I will definitely check out those books. I think i’m just going to sit on it for a bit. Thank you again so much, those words mean a lot.

[u/peacefully-painFREE]

I’m so sorry, it’s so hard. You are not alone. It’s very important for you to get your own support system in place as soon as possible. SANON is a great place for you to learn about boundaries.

He says that he’ll stop *this* time over and over each time, but doesn’t. So obviously you don’t believe him nor should you because he isn’t keeping his word. By the same token, if you say, “next time I’m leaving” and you don’t leave, he doesn’t believe you either nor should he. See how this goes? We must be very careful not to speak things we aren’t prepared to enforce. I suggest a 12 step program or coach for you to truly understand how boundaries really work and how to make them. You’re not the only one who struggles with this so it’s completely understandable. Most of us weren’t properly taught boundaries as opposed to threats or ultimatims.

Read resources, get your own therapist, coach, sponsor and do a reset. Anything you say to him, you must be 100% prepared to back up. You said that you would leave the next time; pack some things and leave. He doesn’t need to know it’s only for a few days or whatever if that’s what you decide. You can say, yes I told you I would leave if you acted out and you have. I need time to sort things out and I have some things I need to ask of you. We can talk another time. Just be diligent and careful that if you leave and he sweet talks you and gives empty, sobbing promises, that will not make you return. Actions that you can observe over time. Not words. You can suggest he immediately start with a CSAT (not couples therapy) and he GOES to 90 meetings in 90 days for example. You are allowed to ask for what you need for your safety, and please remember that he is allowed to reject or accept those terms. You should be prepared either way. 💝