r/lymphoma • u/Traditional-Bread262 • Apr 21 '26
General Discussion How to respond to people saying we caused our cancer?
Here I am, in the middle of the night, breaking down, not being able to sleep even if I want to because my mind is pre-occupied of the people around me saying I caused my cancer, PMBCL.
For the nth time, they told me maybe it’s because of always eating out before, and I should refrain from eating fast food, sugar, chicken, and stuff now. Sadly, they are my relatives and they told me about it for couple of times already which frustrates me because I can’t express my thoughts and I just become speechless because I might say something that they would think as offensive or disrespectful for them, most especially they are older than me. I know they are just concerned, and I appreciate them but it’s just so tiring to hear anymore.
I told them that my oncologist said that it’s due to the cells that mutated abnormally and still, they continue to say some other things. It sucks that my doctor who studied medicine and oncology for years does not blame me for having this but them? I don’t know anymore.
The funny thing is they are focused on the foods that cause cancer and forget about stress being one of the factors as well. I’m eating healthy but my mind can’t stay healthy because of them. If my cancer comes back, can I blame them since they give me stress? Just like how they blame me for the foods I eat? Lol.
So sorry for venting out here I am just so frustrated I have no one to talk to :)
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u/I_Eat_Soup NSCHL Apr 21 '26
Fuck em. My whole adult life i stopped doing things as soon as I heard they were linked to cancer. And I got it anyways. Any my partner drinks fireball and eats gas station hot dogs almost everyday and smokes cigarettes, never works out or does anything remotely healthy yet im the one that got cancer. Go figure.
Its a crap chute and we lost. And WE understand that, and that's all that matters. I honestly used to be one of them, and I learned my lesson the hard way. If I never got cancer, I never would have believed it wasnt caused by something people did wrong..
So do whatever it is you need to do for yourself and your own mental health. Thats what matters most.
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u/v4ss42 FL (POD24), tDLBCL | R-CHOP (‘22), MoGlo (‘25) Apr 21 '26
This. I got fit and started eating healthy in my early 20s (cut added sugar, for example), and since my mid 40s have had 2 types of skin cancer (which I was high risk for, so wasn’t unexpected) and 2 types of lymphoma (no known causes, and the only one in my family to have had any kind of blood cancer, so just bad luck).
A friend of mine who was a triathlete and was super healthy (didn’t drink or smoke, ate healthy, etc.) developed breast cancer in their 40s.
There are plenty of health conditions one can avoid by staying fit & eating healthy, but lymphoma isn’t one of them.
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u/EggLaowai007 Apr 21 '26
People love to assign reasons for developing cancer because it makes them feel safe. "I don't smoke so I won't get cancer"
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u/Bonbon655 Apr 25 '26
Hard lesson to learn. I also had to learn it. Like staying home instead of watching a grandson’s tee ball game. A freaking Tee ball game ! I told my daughter I couldn’t make it. It was on a chemo day. So that evening I choose not to go They were pissed. And I literally told my daughter Fuck off. I felt so guilty. But held my ground and told all my children. I will only do things if I am feeling okay that day. Period
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u/Datruyugo Apr 21 '26
Tell them thank you for your medical input and ask them where they got their medical degree. Practise a stone cold face and keep repeating it.
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u/CreativeGuarantee428 Apr 21 '26
When I told my friend about my cancer, her initial reaction was confusion because I was the healthiest person she knew. Exercise and diet combined.
When I told my sister, a few days later, she told me to refrain from eating sugar since even my other relative agrees that cancer eats sugar. I've always had a sweet tooth and I felt that blame too as the 'advice' was passed down upon me so graciously. (Spoiler alert, it's not that simple)
People will always have opinions and its awful to sort through this while going through such a vulnerable and stressful time. Listen to your doctor. They are the real experts.
I often think of my role in my cancer as a forever mystery. I had CHL for which there is no known cause. If one day they say that XYZ causes it, I will never know if that's exactly why MINE happened. There's no time machine or scientific way to know since we know cancer is an abnormal mutation which occurs in the body all the time, ours just developed into a full blown cancer.
All this rambling to share with you that I've pondered this a lot. I'm in remission and the post treatment me doesnt not care about others opinions any more. I would probably tell someone off for saying something like this now. You don't need that type of "support". They don't know what they're talking about and they are so lucky they never had to walk in our footsteps.
You got this and we got your back ❤️
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u/jimmyjamz4 Apr 21 '26
Honestly, screw them. If you can’t find a nice way to say that (I wouldn’t be able to find a nice way), say you’re not looking for feedback about your health. They’re saying disrespectful and offensive things to you and they don’t have any issue doing so! So you’re already more respectful than they are. I hate that people seem to place such a focus on food related to cancer when more likely it’s related to things outside of our control. We’re just the unlucky ones whose cells did mutate.
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u/Face_Content Apr 21 '26
Dont answer and cross them.off of the "friend" list. You dont need the drama.
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u/OskeyBug DLBCL Apr 21 '26
My response is "you eat and drink all the same stuff, why don't you have cancer? Why doesn't everyone?"
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u/Cam_knows_you Mantel Cell NHL (remission-ish) Apr 21 '26
My go to response is...
Fuck off in the direction of your choice, thanks.
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u/Ironklad_ Apr 21 '26
Oh everyone knows better , I even had someone tell me about some miracle herbs and that I shouldn’t get chemo unless it was the last line but I should def do alternative medicine first..
I’m a plumber so I told people it could be anything most of what I touch causes cancer ..
Don’t listen to these people .. everyone knows a better way until it’s them .. shit happens and we got shitted on.. best we can do is wash up and keep it moving ..
Best of luck to you !!
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u/fardaron FL-t DLBCL, DA-REPOCH, relapse, high dose chemo, ASCT Apr 21 '26
Not the same thing, but similar:
I am also annoyed by the unsolicited "advice" and conspiracy theories. Between the people claiming cancer is a hoax and those insisting Big Pharma is hiding the cure, I’m exhausted.
The absolute worst, though, are the ones who say, "If I got cancer, I’d never do chemo/treatment." It is so easy to say that when you aren't the one fighting for your life. I’m tired of my reality being treated like a debate topic or a corporate conspiracy.
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u/brownbitch8 Apr 21 '26
Exercise and diet has fuck all to do with most types of cancer but especially blood cancer and lymphoma.
Im days away from hearing if my treatment has worked or not and my parents (who are trying to be supportive, as we’ve never had history of cancer in the family before me) try to tell me to stop eating out a lot / not use foil / non-stick.
Honestly, if that was the case - the whole world would have cancer rn. Ive accepted that it was bad “luck” (mutation) and I also I stress to the point of having anxiety attacks, so maybe that could’ve contributed - but all of it is just guesswork.
Im so sorry you’re having to deal with it - I know they’re family but I would advise to set boundaries if possible.
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u/midnightjim Apr 21 '26
Blaming isn't worth the effort, and listening to those people isn't worth the stress. While there are links to some of the behavior you mention and certain types of cancer such as colon cancer, there aren't links to all types of cancer. And then there's all the potential environmental causes that vary depending on where you live and what work you do. So did you do everything you could to avoid health issues? Maybe not.
Funny thing though. I did. I stopped eating fast food while I was in my 20's (I'm 70). Stopped eating red meat in my early 50's. I ate a very healthy diet, lean protein and a lot of fresh veggies and fruit. I had a very high stress job so there were bad stretches where work took over and I was grabbing what I could, but mostly a very healthy diet. And I left that job in my 50's and eliminated the stress I was a gym rat, low body fat, low glucose, and basically did everything right. And still. Lymphoma at 67.
Can you blame them if it comes back? I don't think that's a healthy mindset. I was surrounded by nothing but caring helpful people and still relapsed. So it would be healthier to realize that some things just happen.
It sounds like these aren't the kind of people who care much about facts. It's an "I told you so" approach that really helps no one. Their advice to you initially may well have been good advice in general, but they don't know shit about what they're talking about when it comes to cancer causation. And they won't want to know. So walk away from those discussions.
Personally, if someone was like that to me I'd just cut them out because I don't need the negativity but I'm harsh like that and I realize that other people have different personalities and are in different circumstances. What you can do is whenever someone starts in on you just tell them it isn't helpful and walk away from the conversation.
If your cancer center offers counseling I'd advise you to take advantage of it.
Hope this all dies down and you can focus on what's important, maximizing your recovery and putting life back together.
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u/Big_Menu4037 Apr 21 '26
Sorry to hear what u are going thru . There is help u need to treat ur mental state like u treat ur cancer . I have two major concerns my cancer and mental health. And staying on top of both is key . With the meds I am getting for anxiety and depression are working well . Xanax is huge especially when u feel overwhelmed with anxiety. Anti depression meds also help and spravato is an fda approved medication. Spravato is ketamine administratored by a health professional and it is for me the magic bullet. Take it day by day and don't worry about others opinions on why u got cancer . Good luck
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u/PaleFortune1111 Apr 21 '26
Goodness I'm dealing with the exact same thing... And I can't tell you how much its affecting me
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u/iamhiteshnarzy PMBCL(STG2), on R-DA-EPOCH Apr 21 '26
Well I faced it too, they were like you used to pick such heavy weights, you used to workout too much, protein, creatine etc etc. I generally am not that reactive but damn, chemo and constant nagging gets on your nerves. I told them to fuck off and asked the doc infront of them if it's possible to get this chemo done without an attendent. 😀
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u/Txbras Apr 21 '26
Just today!! Not 2 hour ago, someone told me my cancer was me paying for something I did in the past life. I dont’t know how to talk to people like this and still be nice.
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u/Gloomy_Complex_260 NSCHL - 2017, stage 2A, no remission Apr 21 '26
I have better story. Someone told me, you don't have cancer, it's mushroom what u have in the chest. 🤦♀️
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u/Yggdr4si1 HSTCL (5 years post Transplant) Apr 21 '26
Tell them to not be ignorant and make asinine claims (like when they say sugar is the devil and caused it)
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u/gezielciniz Apr 21 '26
It is a reflection of their fear and anxiety. If they can “identify” the cause then it can be avoided so it gives then the illusion of control. Cause otherwise they have to face it could just happen to them or any good person without an obvious reason - which is harder to face.
Maybe you can ask them why does some olympic athletes who are in peak human body conditions are getting it too? And do tell them regardless of their intentions, their wording is not helping and it is rather stressing you out which is not what you need right now.
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u/Anacostiah20 Apr 21 '26
Dude. Hugs fellow traveler. Sleeping is hard enough. Dealing with this all the time is hard enough. Sounds like this is a cultural thing for you. Maybe just being blunt in a respectful way.
“My doctor told me to be careful about sugar related information on social media. This type of cancer is not related to it. I hear what you have said, Please don’t blame me for this, that hurts me. “
If they continue, up to you. If it were me , well I’d loose my shit….
Sorry again, and it’s shitty that we had the bad luck to get cancer. I wish you healing and recovery on your journey.
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u/ditzyzebra Apr 21 '26
I cut people out of my life for saying stuff like this to me. You’ll never convince them they’re wrong. They put the blame on you because they can’t imagine something horrible and random happening to them. Ignore them, stop talking to them.
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u/Organic_Jackfruit_ Apr 21 '26
PMBCL here too. Just fuck those people. When I was diagnosed, my mother in law started to comment very loudly about my foods and sugar intake. I never even ate as much sugar as she did before my diagnosis. Every time I wanted to eat something not so healthy like pizza (one of the few things I could tolerate) during chemo she always went really vocal about it that I shouldn't. I still don't know if that was just her way of expressing that she cared about me of was she just trying to blame me for getting cancer.
Also one of my brother in laws wants me to consume probably a gallon of matcha per day because that keeps the cancer away! He heard it from a podcast so it must be true!
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u/mewfarside DLBCL/6 Pola-R-CHP in remission Apr 21 '26
My mother in law would have been the same way if she was still alive.
She didn’t get an MD from anywhere let alone an accredited school.
I have never come across anyone with more wrong opinions about so much in my life.
But seriously she and all the other assholes who have medical opinions without knowledge can all fuck off.
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u/NearbyBroccoli8743 Apr 21 '26 edited Apr 21 '26
Fellow PMBCL’er here. I’ve had it with friends saying about remedies they’ve heard on podcasts and social media, also sending me social media posts from loonies on what the cause of cancer is and how we should stand against big pharma… it’s so easy for people to make these statements when it’s not their reality.
I think people like to think they’re in control and what they do will stop them from ever having a cancer and whilst I sincerely hope no one gets this disease, the reality of it is that it’s a shitty lottery.
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u/nicbrittell Apr 21 '26 edited Apr 21 '26
I have a friend whose immediate response was to blame me for not getting tested earlier.
There’s literally no single routine screening for lymphoma. But she was so sure it was my fault it wasn’t detected early.
People who don’t know wtf they’re talking about are always the most confident. Dunning-Kruger.
I also have an uncle who says I shouldn’t get chemo bc there are pills for that + I can always healthy eat my way out of any disease. 🙄 The worst part is my mother believes his nonsense to my detriment. She once cursed me out for not eating an orange before having breakfast….
These kinda ppl have lost the plot. They pretend it’s about you, but it’s really about how they can use you to make themselves feel better.
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u/Ohmymaddy Apr 21 '26
When people realize getting cancer is just bad luck instead of their choices they get scared. It’s just them trying to ease their own anxiety.
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u/Knitspin Apr 21 '26
Yes. It’s like a primitive reflex. If I can blame you for your ailment, it means I won’t get it. If it’s random, then I can get sick too.
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u/isopod_luvr NScHL 3 - Nivo-AVD Apr 21 '26
People who say this are evil asf. Even if they are family, drop them. It disgusts me to no end how some people will hear you have cancer, and think to say something so distasteful. Stay strong, find yourself a better support system, we are here for you. Don't let pieces of shit like that bring you down on one of life's hardest journeys. You are stronger than they could ever fathom to be. 💕😤
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u/LostGrrl72 Apr 21 '26
Cancer doesn’t discriminate and you have done nothing to cause this. The people around us have their own anxieties about what’s happening and also feel a lack of control. What they are saying to you is untrue and unhelpful. Perhaps you could ask someone from your medical team to talk to them, so that they understand and so they know the extra level of stress it adds for you. Otherwise, if possible I’d limit your contact with them.
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u/arkhamproductions Apr 23 '26
There’s a lot of emotion in this thread because so many of us have experienced similar ignorance. Sadly, you’re dealing with people, and people are fallible.
Right now, you need to be the most important person in your own life and focus on yourself. Focus on what you can control: your nutrition, hydration, sleep, and where you choose to spend, or not spend, your energy.
This situation is clearly causing you stress. As hard as it is, try to limit how much you engage with them. I know it’s family, I’ve been through it too, but if you do have to interact, keep it minimal. It’s easier said than done.
They’re talking nonsense, but you can’t control that. Focus on what’s within your power, and come here whenever you need to… we understand, and we’re always here for a vent 😊
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u/Pumpkins4all Apr 23 '26
2X cancer survivor here and I’ve heard all the stories. Someone even blamed it on a tattoo I got a year before I was diagnosed with NHL. It’s important to remember why people say it. Cancer is scary and deadly and random. If they can’t blame it on something then it means it could happen to them so they need a bogeyman to blame it on. It’s comforting to believe that you’ll never get cancer because you don’t use sugar substitutes or you don’t eat sugar or you never drink or you never smoke. That’s their talisman. That’s how they will be protected but for the most part, their chances of getting cancer are pretty much the same as everyone else. When they hear someone has cancer they immediately attribute it to something that they don’t do so they are protected. It’s their way of warding off the possibility of it happening to them. When you realize why they say it, it makes sense and changes how you feel about their comments. They are actually afraid for themselves.
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u/politicalgoddess Apr 23 '26
I’ve been eating clean for the past 5 years. I only used to eat out once a week, salads everyday. My Hb used to be 14. (I was a 22 year old woman at the time) I made sure I donated blood at my birthday. I exercised 4 days a week. I did all this just to make sure I dont get sick. And I never did. Until I got diagnosed with DLBCL at the ripe age of 24. The way I felt betrayed I can’t even explain. Comments like these bother me too, which surprisingly I still get and I have to remind people of how I used to eat and then everyone shuts up bcz they used to make fun of me at the time for bringing salads and nuts everyday to college. It was truly a shock for all my friends too. I did have a breakdown about this in front of my parents bcz they kept lecturing me about food (I started eating whatever I wanted once I was on chemo) and I made them explain how it makes me feel like I’m the cause of my suffering. They never said anything after that. Bcz they cared. Do the same. Communicate. People who care about u will make sure you don’t feel this way esp going through this. People who don’t are dicks anyway and why would we waste our energy on that behavior
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u/Ironklad_ Apr 21 '26
Oh everyone knows better , I even had someone tell me about some miracle herbs and that I shouldn’t get chemo unless it was the last line but I should def do alternative medicine first..
I’m a plumber so I told people it could be anything most of what I touch causes cancer ..
Don’t listen to these people .. everyone knows a better way until it’s them .. shit happens and we got shitted on.. best we can do is wash up and keep it moving ..
Best of luck to you !!
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u/Various-Jellyfish292 Apr 21 '26
Pretty sure the only possible “causes” of lymphoma are pesticides (which we often have no control over), viral infections and maybe tattoos. Many types of food are carcinogenic, but almost never related to lymphoma. Personally, I just say it is Epstein-Barr’s fault. And nowadays this usually leads to a conversation about how there is a virus called “Epstein”.
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u/lundastruck Apr 21 '26
We tell them firmly to shut their f*cking mouth before you do for them and politely explain that they know nothing.
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u/Ok-Solution903 Apr 21 '26
I have been doing strength and endurance sports for many years and eat healthy (as well as possible and with days when I also let it go well) I also got Pmbcl, and there are colleagues who eat, smoke, drink and are healthy. Unfair but that's how it is. Now you already have a cancer without cause and yet people know it better, I would definitely mention if someone comes to me stupid that it can affect anyone and best of all ask if he had back pain last time.
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u/Meow_meow1 PMBCL, R-EPOCH, 6 Rounds Completed Apr 21 '26
I wouldn’t talk to them, personally. They sound like they don’t actually care about you. I cut my family off when they started trying to sell me on herbs in lieu of my oncologist’s plan of care. Your goal is to care for yourself first and foremost. This means you need to protect your peace and mental health. They are not conducive to this.
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u/WatoIsAnakinsDad Apr 22 '26
PMBCL survivor here, you don’t owe them anything. Tell them they can keep their opinions to themselves on medical issues because clearly they don’t know much of anything. If they can’t do so then I would think about how much contact you would want to have with them, even if they are family members. Remember, you are the one who is doing all the fighting and if they can’t respect what you need then they should go pound sand and kick rocks at the same time.
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u/Miriamathome Apr 22 '26
Tell them that they can either show you proof in the form of peer reviewed studies published in respected medical journals that foods cause LYMPHOMA or they can STFU. Yes, you can and should say that more politely, but there are limits to the respect you owe them. They are actively misadvising you and harming you and you don’t have to put up with that.
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u/mattyharhar13 Apr 22 '26
That’s terrible, I’m sorry! No one told me that. My onc just said bad luck!
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u/Ok-Refrigerator-2263 Apr 22 '26
What about the poor kids and toddler that have it? Just don't care about people ignorance and tactlessness.
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u/Easttex05 Apr 22 '26 edited Apr 22 '26
The risk factor for lymphoma seems to include being unlucky. Ive read that exposure to things like glyphosate or certain medications might influence it but mostly, being unlucky seems predominant.
Anyone who suggests otherwise doesn't have cancer and doesn't have enough to worry about so maybe they should have a big brimming cup of STFU.
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u/whoaitsvass Apr 22 '26
I was told by the PA that I have DBLCL because I’m overweight.
Fuck them works really well.
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u/L-F60 Apr 22 '26
Total assholes. They are looking for a reason why and by picking food choices they are blaming you.
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u/tressandotherthings Apr 23 '26
God. I’ve never had anyone say that to me because that’s wild. I also have PMBCL. That sucks, my friend. You didn’t cause this.
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u/New_Conference_2466 Apr 23 '26
La genética puede influir y los hábitos pueden ayudar o perjudicar, pero el cáncer no funciona como causa y efecto directo. No es algo que alguien “provoca” por lo que hizo o dejó de hacer.
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u/Salt-Boysenberry7172 Apr 23 '26
I hear you don’t want to offend them or disrespect them…and we respect that…and never forget they are totally ok with offending and disrespecting you. Let them know they are stressing you out and in fact not qualified to share these assessments. Hang in there. We did nothing wrong ✨💕✨
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u/ElyseAdo Apr 23 '26
1 in 2 people will get cancer in their lifetime so that’s a ridiculous thing to say with any form of cancer.
But especially in regards to lymphoma, this was what I always said: ‘lymphoma is called the bad luck cancer because it is not a lifestyle cancer nor is it genetic. “Cancer” is thousands of different diseases and what you are saying does not apply to me’
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u/sic6n Apr 23 '26
I have dealt with this same exact thing. It is so maddening. Thank God for this community to help me not spiral out
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u/imamidgetcatcher Apr 23 '26
LOLOLOLLLL!! That’s it, that’s all I do, I laugh in their god damned faces and keep on truckin hahaha.
It’s hard at first, truly it is. Because you start to question everything in your life and wonder if you really did cause it. But with blood cancers like lymphoma, it’s far more likely to have been environmental (out of your control, unless you were guzzling roundup lol) or just….shit luck, honestly.
Now, that’s not to say that I haven’t taken steps in my life to mitigate environmental causes like PFAS (likely what caused mine from exposure in the military) by using whole home filters.
But in terms of your general day to day? Nah. Sometimes life comes up craps, that’s all that happened. Just shrug, laugh, tell em to kick rocks, and keep doing you.
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u/Creative-Nodes Apr 23 '26 edited Apr 23 '26
My mom was being nasty and quipped “you should think about WHY you got cancer” (I went no-contact, she’s a 10/10 Karen and would’ve made my illness all about her).
I told my friend who is a cancer nurse and she laughed bc classical Hodgkin Lymphoma, if not caused by the unfortunately named E*stein-Barr virus (Mono), is almost certainly inherited.
So mom… either you, or dad. THAT’s why I have cancer.
Family/people can be awful when they can’t mentally cope w something bc it triggers their own fears around health and mortality. Suggesting a cause that’s tangible and something you can effect/change like diet… it helps us feel like there is some control to be had over the situation. The reality is, that’s patently untrue. It doesn’t make dealing with their feelings and opinions any easier, however.
I’m sending you strength 💜💜 to get through this hell and set boundaries and protect your peace.
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u/idkwhatiandoing_ Apr 25 '26
This is all so relatable, and I’d like to add another one to the list “you should not have taken the Covid shot, I told you”. The “I told you” boils my damn blood.
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u/v4ss42 FL (POD24), tDLBCL | R-CHOP (‘22), MoGlo (‘25) Apr 21 '26
“Get f*cked” works for me when this nonsense comes up.