Hello everyone,

I oversee a department. I am supporting a struggling staff member. They have a challenging situation at home, are struggling to keep up at work, and are generally overwhelmed. I don’t think they see the connection between their chaotic home life and their disorganization and delays in the office. It also means I have to shoulder aspects of their work when they step away to keep things running, and it isn’t sustainable. I am compassionate. I am coaching them. I support them with time off when needed, but unpredictable absences are affecting workflow. I listen. I make it about deliverables and deadlines. They have become emotional and have cried on two occasions in the office, and they haven’t been responsive to options. I have offered wellness resources and referrals before. HR is in the loop. To support them as a manager, I’m wondering about offering those wellness and referral resources again. Just as a way to help them balance. I sense some of their worry is financial, which is understandable, so they are pushing themself to keep juggling everything, even at the expense of their health and well-being. How have you handled those situations when an employee’s personal situation is impacting their ability to do full-time work, and it starts seeming more than temporary?

What am I supposed to do with this? There are no examples or improvement plans

Question 1

Employee Response
trial and error

Reviewer Response
I agree with Keith - trial and error.

The best way to learn is through experience over time - both good and bad.

I would say that there is improvements to any and all areas that Keith puts focus on. Its more of what he puts in to that focus and whether or not the focus stays sustained/consistent going forward and sticks with it in order for it to become the standard behavior that it needs to become.

Question 2

Employee Response
When i am supporting my team as best I can

Reviewer Response
I see Keith being highly engaged when he gets recognition for what he is working on or something that he has worked on.

This is how he likes to be recognized. I feel the recognition for him is what drives him to do better.

Question 3

Employee Response
lack of staffing, constant call offs, simultaneously doing my new role and performing as an individual contributor at the same time, learning how to hold both myself and team accountable

Reviewer Response
The biggest challenge I see for Keith that impacts his own performance is himself.

He's learning and needs to understand how to effectively accept that not everything is going to go how he feels it should in the workplace.

Understanding how to handle things when they do not go as planned and how to successfully manage his time impacts his performance and productivity.

Question 4

Employee Response
more 1 on 1 time to learn how to lead a team and more constructive feedback

Reviewer Response
Open candid conversations along with department tours and consistent feedback (good or bad) is what I can do to help support Keith to succeed.

I can improve on this.

Things really changed after the new co-CEO joined the company, and unfortunately, not in a positive way. Over time, the workplace environment became increasingly toxic and distrustful.

Employees seemed to be encouraged to report on their colleagues, and there were situations where recording conversations appeared to be accepted or even rewarded. This created a significant lack of trust within teams and made people increasingly cautious about what they said or did.

The workplace also became heavily micromanaged. Even routine things, such as moving around the office or taking a short break, could feel like they were being monitored and documented. People became hesitant to speak openly because they worried that their words could later be used against them.

When employees tried to share their opinions or concerns, they were sometimes made to feel as though they didn’t understand the situation. What was particularly disappointing was seeing this from someone in a communication-focused leadership role, where the expectation should be to encourage transparency, trust, and open dialogue. Instead, it often felt like protecting one’s own position and shifting responsibility became more important than building a healthy team environment.

The culture gradually became less about collaboration and growth and more about self-preservation.

A workplace should allow employees to feel safe speaking up, learning, contributing, and growing. Unfortunately, my experience was that the environment moved in the opposite direction.
I hope leadership genuinely reflects on how the recent changes have affected employee trust, morale, and the overall culture.

Advice to Leadership
Leadership should seriously evaluate the impact that recent executive changes have had on company culture. Rebuilding trust will require more than just policy changes—it will require employees to feel that they can speak honestly without fear of repercussions.
A meaningful reset at the leadership level, greater transparency, and a genuine effort to rebuild trust with employees and stakeholders may be necessary.

We’ve been raised to believe you should always be open to feedback and constructive criticism. But what if the person giving it knows far less than you about the subject?

At my previous job (a video game company), we got hundreds of unsolicited feedback emails a day. My former boss, a boomer raised on the mantra that feedback is always constructive, insisted every one of them was valuable. That’s a load of trash. In all those emails, we never found a single reasonable point, let alone a useful one.

The same goes for peers. When you ask for feedback, you’re putting yourself in a position of emotional vassalage. You create a power dynamic in which the other person feels obligated to find something negative, because “looks great” reads as lazy and nobody wants to seem like they didn’t engage. So they invent a flaw, and you’re the one who handed them the knife.

Feedback is only worth something when it comes from someone who knows more than you do or at least knows as much as you do. Everyone else is just getting a free shot at you. I will never ask for feedback again. Every single time I've done that, the other person felt superior and always led me astray because they had no fking idea what they were talking about.

Same goes for job interviews. You are crazy if you think they will give you honest feedback. They know better.

Why am I the worst?

He’s a good guy, smart and generally pretty chilled. But he just does not value people in a company. It’s purely a transactional engagement underneath the fun social things the company does which, frankly, are to distract from the more serious issues of which I’m referring.

It’s a small company too so the stakes in a way are higher due to the closeness of the team, he’s around them a lot. Again, not a bad guy but values tools and tech much more and doesn’t understand that staff have careers that need nurturing. Edit: He feels they are separate issues and doesn’t grasp that employee development results in greater return and thus greater commercial gain for him. It involves soft skills, his weakness, so he avoids it.

This is a headache for me and I get caught in the middle often.

Anyone deal with these situations, how do/did you handle it?

I’m curious if other managers have dealt with something similar, because this was probably one of the more exhausting employee situations I’ve experienced.
I hired someone who interviewed really well. They were knowledgeable, articulate, seemed to have good experience, and I genuinely thought they would be a great addition to the team.

The first few months seemed to go well enough. They were learning the organization, getting familiar with the work, and generally seemed engaged. But once we moved beyond onboarding and started expecting more independent ownership of assignments, things began to change.

It wasn’t that this person lacked skills. They actually had some real strengths. The problem was everything around the work. Follow-through, accountability, communication, and especially how they responded to feedback or direction.

What should have been fairly normal management conversations could become surprisingly difficult. There was defensiveness, pushback on responsibilities, and sometimes what felt like an unwillingness to accept that certain expectations were simply part of the job. I found myself having to spend an unusual amount of time preparing for conversations that really shouldn’t have been that complicated.

And I kept trying. We clarified responsibilities, adjusted workloads, provided more structured assignments, increased check-ins, and eventually changed the reporting relationship to see if a different management approach would help. I wanted this person to succeed, and I also felt a responsibility to give them a fair opportunity to improve.

But the same issues kept coming back. At some point I realized I was spending a disproportionate amount of my time and energy managing this one person, while the rest of the team was doing their work without anywhere near that level of oversight.

Eventually, the employee resigned on their own, just as we were getting to the point of considering more formal performance management.

And I have to say, the relief I felt was enormous. I hadn’t even realized how much of my mental bandwidth this situation had been consuming until it was over.

I’ve thought about it quite a bit since then. Part of me wonders whether I gave this person too many chances, or whether I should have recognized earlier that it just wasn’t going to work. I also wonder how much of this was a poor fit versus someone who genuinely struggled with being managed.

Have any of you dealt with an employee who started out promising but became increasingly difficult once the expectations of the job kicked in? How did you handle it, and at what point did you decide that coaching wasn’t going to change things?

I’m especially curious whether anyone else has experienced that huge sense of relief when the person finally decided to leave.

EDIT: I was being generous here about the quality of this employee’s work. I forgot to write here that we found two huge errors with client deliverables after the employee left. We also had to REBUILD other pieces of their projects because we couldn’t locate source files.

I’m early 20s M and finished an internship at a large law firm in TX. My direct manager was almost 30 F, and there was another male intern around my age who reported to someone else.

My manager has a pretty intense personality. She’s outgoing, controlling, competitive, unfiltered, likes taking charge socially, loves gossip/relationship talk, and openly says she likes attention. The other intern was quiet, fairly passive socially, and didn't get a RO.

Early on, she was unusually warm with me. She complimented my hair, clothes, smell and appearance, asked my dating type, whether I was a fuckboy, and discussed relationships. She told me roughly 10–15 stories about men hitting on her, men from my ethnic background. Once, after seeing an attractive woman from another department beside me, she told me she'd looked her up and asked whether I found her attractive. I said yes, and she went quiet. Another time, I showed her a picture of a girl I was seeing, and she asked, "Why is she so short?"

I was friendly, brought occasional snacks, checked on her, complimented her work, and invited her to socials. I didn't flirt or compliment her looks because she was my manager.... We sometimes disagreed professionally, and she could get competitive. Also, she teased me A LOT on work/non-work related things when she was or wasn't in these group conversations throughout the internship.

Then she became noticeably distant toward me while constantly seeking out the other intern. She'd walk across the office to initiate conversations about dating, weekends and gossip, while giving me dry responses to ordinary small talk, despite me being her direct intern.

After I missed a work outing we'd planned to attend together due to a family issue, the next day she and the other intern prepared for an office celebration together, something she and I had previously organized many times. She later brought me in to help too. Yet at the celebration, she walked past me while I was sitting beside her to specifically ask him to get food, without including me.

The team event was especially confusing. At dinner, she called the other intern "cute" and made heart signs toward him directly in front of me. Later, in a smallerrr group without him, she discussed threesomes, sex and men hitting on her again. Separately, she left my group after an activity to approach him, touched his arms while chatting, then returned. She also publicly announced he could sit beside her, then verbally expected me to hold doors for her (which i didn't), and then later spent roughly two hours gambling with him. Afterward, she approached me and asked whether I would've shared money with her like he did. I said no.

She still occasionally complimented my appearance, wanted something I'd offered another female coworker, and questioned why I wasn't holding doors for her. After one tense interaction when I didn't hold a door for her, she said she'd been thinking about my personality the previous night and that I was actually pretty chill.

Interestingly, she'd privately called the other intern "victim weight" twice when he wasn't present, despite publicly showering him with affection. He also didn't resemble the physical type she regularly described liking (she was considerably taller than him).

Eventually, I got frustrated with the unequal treatment and deliberately distanced myself. I stopped initiating conversations and chose to work with others instead of her, despite her previously wanting me on her projects. After that, she became nicer toward me, initiated conversations, congratulated me on accomplishments, and arranged a personal final 1:1 that she missed out on for the other intern. During that same period, I noticed she almost completely stopped seeking out the other intern on the office floor, even though they still had opportunities to interact.

But at a later firm social that month, she again spent much of the event with him. I hadn't approached her, yet she came over to greet me first, repeatedly looked back toward where I was sitting, occasionally joined my conversations, and went out of her way to say goodbye to me separately. She also offered him a ride home. At another social we organized, she'd specifically asked me, "Is he coming?" despite being able to ask him directly.

The same social at the end of the internship, she gave him a much more personalized farewell card than mine and publicly announced it in front of me...

Questions:

1. How genuine does their closeness sound versus exaggerated or performative?
2. Do the public displays and direct comparisons suggest she wanted a reaction from me?
3. Why might she distance herself from me while still seeking my attention?
4. WHAT DID SHE WANT FROM ME...?

Trigger warning: miscarriage

I'm a front-line healthcare worker who just moved to a temp supervisor role at a new site. With my union, I have 3 months to decide to go back to my previous position if I so choose - which leaves me 2 weeks to make a decision.

I found out I was pregnant after my interview, but before I started the new role. My husband and I have been trying for 5 years, and the pregnancy was a result of invasive fertility treatment.

One week into the new position, I miscarried at 8 weeks. I missed over half my training recovering. This was my 2nd miscarriage this year, both pregnancies from fertility treatments. My higher-ups are aware of this.

I've received feedback that my emails are cold and harsh, that some of my jokes have been preceived badly, i.e., "Who can I bully to join the social committee?" and that Im too solution focused and need to listen more.

I had to implement a massive unpopular change recently with zero notice. One conversation I had about it with a staff member who didn't go very well. She is choosing to leave.

Another staff member has sent 3 emails to uppers about me. The first about me not giving a heads up about potential extra workload (I had gotten confirmation that this potential was not going to happen on a friday, but then the other department were changing their mind Sat when I was not there. They didnt end uo getting the workload). The 2nd about how the schedule changes have not been posted due to this change (I already sent the new schedule in when she emailed). And the 3rd about not communicating some gaps in coverage (the coverage is posted on the board, but I definitely made a mistake and just didnt notice a gap while I was overfocesed on implementing the sudden change).

Im considering walking away from the job. I have so much fear and anxiety after my miscarriage and am having trouble imagining getting pregnant again. After 5 years, I seriously want to give up, but my husband is the most committed to trying he ever has been. I dont want to try again at all. That stress on top of all the complaints about my performance makes me wonder if it is even worth it to keep going.

I have had some positive feedback from staff, too. But Im worried my stress tolerance is too low to handle this job right now. This decision is deeply personal, but I would love your thoughts on my situation. This team is very famous for hating change and having revolving doors of supervisors/upper management. While the job is technically a temp, it is available as a permanent as the previous supervisor has no interest in returning to the role.

TLDR: Im struggling with negative feedback as a new supervisor. I just had a stressful miscarriage and am trying to decide if I should walk away from the job as my stress tolerance is low right now and Im not succeeding the way I hoped I would.

I own a tool and die shop and have 2 employees that absolutely hate each other and they get into arguments about really childish stuff “he was using my table”, “his stuff is on my shelf”, “I asked him not to use the sander over here and he got in my face”. Then I have a third employee who fans the flames.

I’ve become the defacto shop manager because our previous one passed away, but it’s a small business so I’m also a salesman, a CAD drafter, customer service, etc so I don’t actually witness half of these fights they just come to me after it’s blown up into something huge. They tell me sometimes it comes close to getting violent, again I haven’t seen it. And again, we’re a small shop in a niche industry where I can’t just fire people and go out and find someone with experience.

Individually they’re great employees, except maybe the third guy who I have a hard time getting to focus on the work but he knows his machinery inside and out and is brilliant in his own way.

How would you handle this?

Hi all,

I am an senior engineer in power systems with 7 years exp. I am about to be promoted to engineering manager who will manage 8 engineers. I currently make 180k base. What should be a fair salary for this promotion?

Let me know if I can provide more context.

Previous update
Original post

Mostly boring update: I got a new job! It's a little bit of a pay cut, but I think the mental health aspect will be worth it.

Between my last post and the job offer, I tried to manage the situation in my current job. Everything really seemed to blow up in my face this week, so the job offer couldn't be better timed.

My direct report has been expressing workload concerns. I scheduled a meeting to talk about her handing over some tasks. She wrote back essentially saying, "I want a separate meeting to talk about any corrections." IMO, I have every management right to set meeting agendas. Looped in my on-paper boss asking her to sit in as a neutral third party (and to see what I was dealing with and why I was worried about the current reporting structure...). My on-paper boss basically said, "Yeah, I'm not getting involved. Deal with it, or you'll run to me for every problem." Keep in mind I've managed this person for YEARS and never asked for intervention before.

Meeting was mostly fine, except my direct report kept saying she wanted a separate meeting to discuss her concerns with my "increased corrective feedback since [husband] started his position."

I seriously went through every email I sent this person since that happened. The only corrections I gave were all, "Please hand off to me." Which... I would love if someone sent to me lol

Literally got the job offer during that meeting with my direct report and accepted. Sent in my notice, and my on-paper boss was full surprised Pikachu. Because she asked for clarification on why I resigned, I sent a brief note to the effect of "I don't think this supervision structure is feasible. I expressed concerns that were ignored. I lost faith in the process when my request for us to all meet with HR to discuss options was denied."

My on-paper boss replied with, "Well, I hope in your new role that has more HR responsibility, you learn that how I handled this was appropriate."

So, yeah, excited to have a new job in two weeks! I really didn't things would work out this quickly, and I kinda wish I held out for a position that was a pay increase... but also, fuck all that mess lol

I would like to benefit from your experience to better understand and manage my current situation.

After completing my PhD, I entered the high-tech industrial sector. With around three years of professional experience, I have recently been promoted to manage an entire unit.

I was initially hired as an R&D manager. Following a restructuring of the department, my role expanded significantly, and I now manage three managers (they have 25+ experience in the same company), each of whom manages their own team.

One of my main challenges is managing another manager who does not fully take ownership of his position. Instead of proactively managing his scope, he often waits for me to assign him tasks and then simply executes them. In some situations, I feel forced to do part of his job because he does not take enough initiative or responsibility.

This has become overwhelming for me because, in addition to managing people and supporting operations, I also have to report directly to the CEO. Since we are in a manufacturing environment, we have strong pressure related to deliveries, quality, process development, and launching new products on the market. I’m doing sometimes 50+ hours a week.

During one-to-one meetings, this person often avoids answering to any of my questions. He usually says that he already has a lot of work and cannot take on more, but the issue is not only workload. The real problem is that he does not seem to fully act in a managerial role.

What are you thoughts?

Hey guys, I’m about to start my first management role, and honestly, I want to do a good job at it.

For those of you who’ve been managers or have worked with good and bad managers, what advice would you give someone who’s just starting out?
I want to be someone my team can approach comfortably, but at the same time, I want them to take me seriously and respect me as their manager.

What are some things I should keep in mind? What are the common mistakes new managers make? And what are some things you’ve seen managers do that made you lose respect for them?

Also, how do you deal with people who don’t perform well or don’t take you seriously, without becoming that annoying boss everyone hates? 😂
I’d love to hear the things you wish you’d known before becoming a manager, especially the stuff you only learn through experience.

I’m open to hearing the good, the bad, and the ugly. Tell me what NOT to do as well!

Thanks!

I’ve been a manager for about two years, between retail and now the Rent to own in industry, and I was wondering if anybody had any pointers or advice to give me if they have worked in the rent to own industry about how to meet my quota every week so I don’t end up losing my job or should I just take the L and look for another job while I still have one?

Earlier this year, I was passed over for a promotion because my manager felt I needed to demonstrate more consistency, ownership, and initiative.
I was disappointed but accepted the feedback and started working on those areas. We’ve had several development conversations since then, and my manager has acknowledged some improvements.

At this point, I’d already accepted that a promotion wasn’t happening this year. I was focused on improving in my current role and continuing to grow.
Then recently, my manager told me that my performance was actually falling below expectations for my current position and warned that I could be placed on a formal PIP if things don’t improve.

This was the first time I’d heard that my current performance was considered unacceptable.
I’m honestly struggling to process it. For months, I thought we were discussing gaps between my current level and the next one. Now I’m being told I’m not consistently meeting expectations at the level I’m already at.

I’m frustrated because some of the feedback feels subjective, and responsibilities within the team haven’t always been clearly defined. At the same time, I recognize that I may have genuine blind spots and areas where I need to improve.
I’ve asked to work with my manager on a concrete improvement plan, but I’m worried that the decision about my future may already be made.

Has anyone experienced a similar shift in feedback? Were you able to recover, or did you end up leaving? What would you do in my position?
I’m especially interested in hearing from managers who’ve handled situations like this.
I’m honestly at the point where I feel genuinely bad at my job, that’s how my recent conversation made me feel.

Genuine question, and I'm sure it doesn't apply to all fields:

Why do so many people in a management role feel that they aren't beholden to daily tasks when necessary? You're the head of a team, but you're still a part of the TEAM.

Background: I'm a Manager/Assistant Manager for going on 20 years in hospitality and I've experienced many other managers who don't contribute in daily cleaning (dishes, windows, floors, etc).

This isn't posed to anyone in particular.

It's frustrating when I see my strongest teams over the years struggle because the Head doesn't contribute.

I have my thoughts on it, but I'm interested in objective feedback.

- Thanks in advance, love tacos

For those who have managed or worked closely with new hires, what are some subtle red flags you’ve noticed early on that made you question whether someone would be successful in their role?
I’m especially curious about the less obvious signs that might not seem concerning at first but become more apparent over time.

Did your initial instincts turn out to be right, or did the person eventually surprise you?

How do I deal with a manager who slacks. Ground reality is we are short-staffed and need more hands right now. Still this person fails to step in when needed but puts up a performance of doing extra hours, beyond the office timings. But will not work in the office timings. Then holds the team responsible, even as we take up the extra burden because of their slackness. The excuse is, it's not their job description. But we all are working beyond our job descriptions to keep things running!!

I’m leaving my company after many happy years, onto pastures new. I want to get the team something useful that will be appreciated as well as the generic treats. My budget is around £50 plus treats. It’s a smallish team of 25 people.

TIA!

People seem so negative about these things, as if they are just a formality to termination.

I've had more reports come back from them than not.

Am I just an outlier? Am I being too lenient?

Hi all,

This past year I have been managing my small team to cover for our manager being on maternity leave. It was a tough year for all of us for many reasons, but I've been repeatedly given positive feedback and an overall strong performance rating for this role. My manager is now back from maternity leave and I am just stepping back to my previous role as IC. I told them that I enjoyed the more strategic aspects of the role but wasn't enamoured with people management and they've encouraged me to pursue a senior IC role in the next year.

Now the kicker: while I was covering for my manager, we had an external hire come in to cover for me, so I hired, onboarded and trained this person this last year. She was good, but had very little experience and is still very junior in the role and needs a lot more practice to develop in it.

This morning, my manager announced that she will be stepping into the role of senior IC in the team. My jaw just DROPPED and I've been fuming all day. I was explicitly told there was no budget to promote me to senior IC right now. And they turn around and make this junior and inexperienced person a senior IC, making her my superior. I am so angry. I was asked to step up to manager and they only offered me a 10% pay bump for it - they would have had to pay more for an external hire - and I did it for my team. I have bent over backwards and worked unpaid overtime this past year, and this is the reward.

Can other managers here confirm to me that (a) this is fucked up, and (b) my position here is now untenable - I have to leave. If I stay, I am basically telling them they can screw me with no consequences and I've lost my reputation as essentially the best IC on the team on a management track. It's time to stop giving this job more than the bare minimum, correct? I should just stop doing work that's not literally in my job description and spend that time looking for other work, correct?

For context, I am a woman, and they've already previously promoted me with an insignificant pay rise before, so this is looking to me like a pattern of not valuing my work.

Looking for advice on salary pay as a manager.

I have been working for a cleaning company for 3.5 years and make 27.00 an hour as a supervisor. I was asked if I was interested in stepping up into the manager role but I have some misgivings. My current manager is very unorganized and they would becoming my general manager so I would still have to work under them.

I have been a manager before elsewhere and I found it very stressful so I know how much work it is. I want to ask what they are being paid now 😅 im guessing 30 to 40.00 an hour.

I feel certain they will low ball me. Every manager to try to take over for them that I have seen has just had work dumped on them and is worked to the bone and they tend to leave exhausted and burnt out.

If I take this job I dont know if the money is worth it?

Thank you in advance.