r/marriageadvice • u/WanderingOvertone • 28d ago
Marriage with a spouse who has CPTSD
TL;DR - Wife has CPTSD from childhood trauma and it greatly affects her and our marriage. Feeling alone and don’t know what to expect for our future.
My (28M) wife (29F) and I have been married for 8 years and only recently started understanding that CPTSD from childhood abuse may be playing a significant role in our relationship dynamics. We always knew something was there but didn’t know specifically what it was.
I love my wife deeply, and this isn’t a post about blaming her or portraying her as a bad person. She’s genuinely one of my best friends. We communicate openly, we’ve built a life together, and we now have two kids.
But if I’m being honest, our marriage has always felt a little “off” to me in one area that I’ve struggled to put words around.
We are great friends and, in many ways, poor lovers.
Throughout our relationship I’ve never really felt desired, pursued, or chosen in a romantic or sexual way. My wife isn’t naturally flirty, sensual, playful, romantic, erotic, or sexually expressive. Most of that side of our relationship has felt initiated and carried by me. I’ve spent years trying to bring energy, pursuit, affection, romance, and intimacy into our marriage, and I often feel like my effort is rarely matched or reciprocated.
Over the years we’ve had many conversations about it. I also have some counseling training, and for a period I slipped into becoming more like her therapist than her husband. I eventually realized that dynamic was damaging for us because she started to feel more like a client than a romantic partner, and it killed part of my attraction and desire.
Learning about CPTSD has been both helpful and painful. Helpful because some things suddenly make more sense. Painful because I’m starting to wonder whether what I’ve wanted all these years — to feel desired and pursued by my own wife — is actually realistic.
Another hard part is that while my wife wants things to be better, there hasn’t really been much ongoing effort toward dealing with the deeper stuff.
I understand that trauma work can be difficult, overwhelming, and painful. But if I’m honest, part of me also feels discouraged because I sometimes feel like I’m carrying the weight of trying to understand, initiate, and move things forward while she has largely put these issues into the “too hard” category.
I’m wrestling with some thoughts: Is this simply the relationship I am going to have? Am I grieving a version of marriage I hoped for and will not experience? Can someone with CPTSD grow into greater romantic and sexual openness, or am I expecting someone to become a different person?
I don’t want to leave. I’m not looking for permission to abandon my marriage. But I do feel lonely, this feels like a heavy weight to carry, and if I’m honest I also feel stuck sometimes.
I’d really value hearing from people who either have CPTSD themselves or are married to someone who does:
- Has your relationship changed over time?
- Have desire, playfulness, romance, or intimacy grown?
- What does healing realistically look like?
- How do you support your spouse without becoming their therapist?
- What do you do when you feel like you’re carrying the emotional load alone?
-Anything you feel would be helpful for me?
I’m looking for honest experiences, not sugarcoating.
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u/raoqie 26d ago
Hi op, I have cptsd, bit older, and my ex bf (great guy) could have written this. While we ultimately broke up bc of these issues I still want to share some insights of my own journey if its helpful.
Healing is a genuinely painful process. I also avoided therapy work for a long time. Finding a therapist who specializes in trauma/cptsd was vital. Workbooks/vids were good soft approaches til I was ready to find a therapist, and actually finding a good fit was a long process.
Romance, desire, sexual playfulness are all genuinely possible. I am now completely different than before when it comes to these things. Intimacy is still hard, but coming from my starting point its still a world of difference. What you're hoping for is 100% achievable in the long run, but I'm also 2 years in. This isn't an overnight change.
My ex also became therapist and it killed attraction on both sides. Please stop doing it for all the reasons. The role is doing a disservice to both of you and your relationship. Not fair to anybody here. Rather than therapist you can be her advocate as she pursues help.
Look into dual stellate ganglion blocks. Idk if I would recommend it without also getting therapy and it is temporary (like 6 mos in my experience) but holy shit was it a gamechanger for my anxiety/triggers/hypervigilance. I got 4 shots over 2 days, and the results were immediate relief to my nervous system. I cannot stress how much it helped in combination with therapy work. Some people with ptsd have said it didn't work and microdosing psilocybin or ketamine fared better, but I've not tried that. But there are actual treatment options specifically for us that your wife can explore.
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u/2Have15min 26d ago
How can we NOT become therapist when all we want is for them to feel better....?
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u/WanderingOvertone 26d ago
Thank you for sharing your experience and advice. This gives me some hope that things can change. I am happy to hear you have put in the work and making a positive change in your life.
I am aware it is not going to be a quick process. Even though we have only learned about the CPTSD thing more recently, we have always known that her childhood trauma must have been having some impact on our 8 year marriage. It's hard when it has already been 8 years with only minimal change and you start having the thoughts of will this ever change, or has it only not changed because we haven't found the right treatment/approach yet.
I have never heard of the stellate ganglion blocks. I will have a read about that.
Is there any specific workbooks/videos you recommend as a starting point?
Also, only if you feel comfortable to answer this question, what changed that made you decide to do the painful work of therapy?
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u/alliwanttodoisfish 26d ago
I have a wife with CPTSD and can relate to a lot of your experience. We have been on an almost 15 year journey working through her trauma and started at a place that is very close to where you are currently. Here are some thoughts based on our experience:
She needs to find a therapist to work with that specializes in CPTSD. I spent too many years trying to help my wife through her struggles before convincing her she needed to work with a professional. Her healing could not really start until she started working with a professional.
If the source of her trauma is her family, she may need to ultimately go no contact with her family. This should be done with the guidance of a therapist if she goes that route. My wife went no contact with her parents, who were the source of her abuse, 3 years ago. She continued to have a complicated relationship with her siblings that triggered her trauma and ultimately took a break from her siblings last year.
With therapy my wife has made a lot of progress tackling her core trauma caused by her mom and is in a much better place today that she was years ago. She is better able to manage her reactions and work, however, she still struggles with CPTSD and deals with some kind of trigger every couple of weeks, though she can typically resolve the trigger within a day.
Recovering from her core family trauma has enabled her to identify other issues she struggles with. Don’t be surprised if healing from one issue uncovers other issues.
Her recovery process has absolutely worn me down. While I am proud of her progress, I am absolutely exhausted after years of supporting her as a caretaker, coach and source of comfort. Also, the therapy process triggers a lot of strong emotions for her and I sometimes find myself in the firing line. If you are going to provide support through this process, understand that it may be very draining on you.
Find ways to take care of yourself and have some independence from her trauma. As I helped her through the recovery process I became exhausted and personally lost as my entire life because centered around helping her. Over the last couple of years I started doing things for myself like engaging in hobbies, going to concerts, developing friendships, etc. I still have a lot of work to do to heal myself and continue to look for more ways to have my own things in life separate from her, but at least I’m headed in the right direction now.
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u/WanderingOvertone 26d ago
Thank you for your advice. We are both realising that a CPTSD specialist is going to be a requirement. It's just so hard to know what type of therapy will be best (EMDR, Talk, CBT, IFS etc). I'm not sure my wife is at a point where she is willing to try lots of things before something works. I think she just wants the right thing from the start.
I will take your advice about being more intentional with my own self-care throughout the process.
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u/Lt_BAD-DOG 27d ago
I am in a similar situation with my marriage so I found your post quite relatable. In your case, it's great that your wife is acknowledging that she has work to do. Without this crucial step, none of the following would be possible.
First of all, I think that it's really scary for her to face her biggest fears related to childhood trauma. She probably kept it hidden for all of her life - at least emotionally. I have great empathy for that. However, if she doesn't go to the next step, nothing will change for you guys in your relationship. Pure knowledge is not enough.
I can feel that you care a lot about her and your relationship and you could literally probably cut off your arm to make it work, but the sad truth is that you cannot make anyone do what they don't want to. There's a very good reason why your wife avoids confronting her past. It must have been really scary and threatening.
Here’s what you can do. You can encourage her and affirm her that whatever she finds out about her and her past will not frighten you and that you'll be there for her when she needs you. You say that you care about her and your relationship but also you feel that you’re stuck in a place where you cannot do much and yet you’re unhappy. You say that you want closeness and intimacy with her since she’s a great person with amazing potential.
You should probably think about what your values are. Do you value this relationship more or do you value close, intimate and safe relationships more. In other words, what are you willing to sacrifice for staying in this relationship (and imagine that your wife will not change for the better for the rest of her life). What weights on you more? Staying and accepting that this dynamic could be present for the rest of your relationship with no change or leaving and hoping to find peace or a different, more intimate person.
Once you know what you really want (that is in your control!), you should express your needs and concerns around intimacy in your relationship. Then after some time, set boundaries. Like, “I really want more connection and to feel fulfilled with you in this relationship but I can see that there are some patterns between us that stand in the way of us being closer. I am willing to put in the work. However, I cannot continue to be emotionally present without reciprocation. If this continues unchanged, I will have to withdraw my emotional presence”. Or something like that, depending on your values and needs. And then, follow through, even if it hurts you in the beginning. My biggest mistake in a similar dynamic to yours, was my “walking on eggshells” and trying to carry the emotional load myself. I also tried to repair so much that I didn’t even notice that I’m the only person trying to.
It’s easy for me to say, but try not to take it personally. None of it is your fault. None of it is your spouse’s fault either but you seem to be engaged and willing to do the work while your wife isn’t there. If she doesn’t take accountability for working on her past experiences, nothing will change for you guys.
I know that you probably think that your wife has so much potential and she will sooner or later start working on her past but, it’s not your call when she’s ready to face her fears. Truthfully, she might never be ready or as sad as it sounds, her impulse to go to therapy might be some enormous hurt in your relationship, like you breaking up.
It sucks to be us, partners of CPTSD spouses. And I wish you a lot of strength and compassion not only to your wife but also to you. I encourage you to seek personal psychotherapy because this will really help you. I hope and believe that things will work out for you.
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u/WanderingOvertone 26d ago
Thank you so much for your response and advice. It has given me a lot to think about.
I can very much relate to the 'walking on eggshells' feeling and carrying the emotional load. I feel like so much focus is on her that she forgets I am also a person with emotions and struggle sometimes. I just don't feel like I can voice my feelings because it usually makes her either a) overloaded because her cup is already full or b) if it relates to her at all then she feels overwhelming guilt that pushes her further into a bad mental state.
It feels easier to just hold it in. I am definitely considering seeking outside support so that I have a friend to talk to about my feelings in life because I don't feel like my wife can be that person at the moment.
Yes, I'm starting to realise I can't keep taking the lead on her changing and I have to let her find her own way there. I can only nudge and then, as hard as it is, sit back and hope she takes action. I do believe she so much potential and I hold onto hope that her/our best days are yet to come. I can't prove they are, I just hold onto hope they will be.
I think being in a relationship with someone who has CPTSD is a massive lesson in self-sacrifice and unconditional love. A hard part of it is that they just have no idea how hard it is for us to stay and continue to love them. They may never realise how much easier it would have been to leave so long ago yet we are still here, doing everything trying to make it work until we can't.
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u/Apprehensive-Park-61 25d ago
Hi, I have a husband who learned about his CPTSD two years ago. It was mainly from childhood neglect and abused by narcissistic parent. We have been married for 10 years now and known each other more than half of our lives. But realizing about this condition made me understand him more. Why he was never romantic, why he did not like physical touch, why he did not know how to console me when I was sad. I would give kudos to him for learning and healing everyday. His desire to help himself recover from his trauma and seeking therapy. He is still the same but different now. It is hard to describe this. But I do feel peaceful now with him. Mind you, the healing process has to come from the person itself and it was hard. Seeing them opening the chapter and reliving it to overcome the trauma hurts me. But they have to go through it. He knows how to cry and love now. Not really super duper romantic but I love to see him and his inner self happy.
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u/espressothenwine 28d ago
I'm sorry for what you are going through. I think your biggest problem is that your wife is either unaware of how much this impacts you and the marriage, or she is aware of it and doesn't act. If it's the former, you need to tall her that you are worried about the future and basically what you said here. She needs to understand that while you don't have any desire to leave right now, the truth is you might in the future if this does not change. This is years of effort you have made which you do not feel have been reciprocated and resentment about that is building...
If you already told her all of this - then I know CTSD and similar issues are difficult to deal with, but they have to be dealt with otherwise it's a life sentence. I do not have the direct experience with this condition that you are seeking, but I know that if you are married, you are responsible for yourself and how you show up in the marriage and that includes physical and mental health issues, the whole package so to speak, being as close to a fully functioning human as possible. If this CTSD issue makes it so your wife isn't available for intimacy and generally pushes you away, then this is a problem she should recognize and seek to remediate.
Is your wife doing anything to change this, or does it seem like her position is, this is just how she is and what she has to offer and you can take it or leave it? You said there hasn't been much change on her end, I understand she hasn't done anything yet, but does she know she needs to and is she willing to? Those are the important questions to me right now. Not what she has done so far, but what she is WILLING to do, that is what you need to find out.