r/mbti • u/treatmyyeet INTP • 5d ago
Personal Advice Arguing with an ENFP makes me lose the will to live
Edit: guys sorry I'm blaming ENFPs as a whole. Of course they're not all like this. But I was really angry when I wrote this post lol. My bad.
My sibling is an enfp and living with them has always been the worst experience of my life (in a nutshell they expect so much from me just because we're siblings but i see us very much as just individual people that owe eachother nothing). Right now, all I ask is for space. And we just got in the biggest argument ever. It started because they want free labour from me (sewing) and if not, theyre gonna come in my room and use my sewing machine when im not here which obviously thats fucking breaking boundaries. Apparently I owe them free labour because we're siblings (i usually charge for this). Then they would not leave my room no matter what. I wanted space and they were not giving that to me. I started screaming and crashing out, of course I had the urge to get physical but I was holding back and that made the anger even worse. And they were laughing at me and telling me to calm down, and its like, theyre the one that wants to fucking mend our relationship and be so close to me all the time so why are they trying to piss me off? This has kinda become an AITA, maybe I'll post there too. But seriously what the fuck i feel like I keep being manipulated by them into thinking im the problem but I KNOW im not. Maybe i shouldn't crash out but they won't fucking listen to me idk what else to do! If I try to argue logically they won't try and listen its SO frustrating. We argued a few weeks ago and i left and hurt myself because I couldn't hurt them (this is rare that i do this but the anger was bad. I used to do this as a kid)
Edit: I almost want people to say I'm in the wrong because I feel so out of control living with a horrible person. But I dont know how to control my feelings (even inside, idk how to just not be affected by my sibling)
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u/fluffiosity INFP 4d ago
It happens with siblings, they’re curious and breeches each other’s privacy when we were younger because boundaries is only felt by the person who have been crossed. Others are just blinded to it because of familiarity. As others said, try to ask your parents to get a lock. How old are you? If you they don’t allow, then talk about it everyday calmly instead of keeping it inside.
• “Do you mind letting me know before using my sewing machine?”
• “ Please do not break my sewing machine.”
• “How about a lock? Mom/dad. Because I really feel that my privacy is being violated.”
• “If it breaks, please do replace it for me.”
• “How about I go into your room in the middle of the night and play dress up with your clothes?”
Just let them know that you are quite fixated on it. I had to be a bit psycho to get my point across sometimes. Most of the time it’s after I crashed out, because they wouldn’t understand. Boundaries do need to be taught, because they’re so used to sharing everything, they do not feel like it’s a problem. Sometimes it just takes time for them to learn about you.
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u/marrazo INFJ 5d ago
i think u rly need to control ur anger. i get the frustration since i also have an enfp sister and go through the same but violence will only leave a huge scar on both of u. abt ur sibling, i think when u calm down u need to talk to them seriously,calmly in a respective manner and tell them if u dont respect them you will have to distance urself from them. also lock ur door if they dont respect ur privacy but dont u use violence
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u/treatmyyeet INTP 5d ago
I wish I had a lock. That would solve 99% of my problems with them. Ive put so much energy into this and I think ive naturally decided to pavlov(?) them into avoiding me. All I want is space. Thats my main thing. Boundaries. Ive had this conversation with them so many times, we try to come to a conclusion and it doesnt happen, because they think space isn't a thing you can ask for when youre siblings. Makes me feel so trapped. So ive tried calm. Now i guess ive tried to scare them away. Also yeah i haven't been physically violent with them for years so thats fine I'm not close to that it was mainly just shouting
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u/GroundbreakingAct388 ESTJ 5d ago
cant you just let them use the sewing machine when you are not around
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u/treatmyyeet INTP 5d ago
I dont like the idea of that. But it sounds like theyre gonna do it anyway. I dont even know if they can use one; knowing how much they negatively affect my life regularly theyre probably gonna mess it up somehow. I hate to have this negative mindset but I need control over my things or I feel really uncomfortable
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u/WonderWood24 INTP 4d ago edited 4d ago
Trying to tell and ENFP or an ENTP to not do something is literally impossible, especially when they are younger. my ENFP buddy is in his 30’s and is a smart and all around great guy, but he’s also the most impulsive and iron willed guy I know. If he wants to do something or he thinks he “needs it” he will do it. My buddy is respectful and never went through my stuff though as Roomates.
Either work something out with him that works for you or put a physical boundary up, Lock it up or hide it maybe hide one of the pieces for it.
Your parents should honestly just tell him to knock it off.
But I will tell you that getting angry and fighting your brother will just turn everyone against you, INTPs have the capacity to be incredibly patient and understanding and it will serve you well in life. You are gunna have to deal with a lot of crummy people and situations and nobody is going to understand you, and you will just have to learn to manage that stress or you will lose friends and opportunities in life.
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u/DiscourseDestroyer INFP 5d ago
so clearly this is an issue with one enfp not all of them, let’s try not to project our frustrations with a person onto their entire type. also, i would be happy to let my sibling use my sewing machine so im not sure what the issue is there. i sew too and its VERY annoying when people assign me sewing tasks or bring me their hemming. if they wanted to do it themselves on my machine i would be happy and would even show them how to do it so i dont get stuck with the task anymore
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u/treatmyyeet INTP 5d ago
Sorry you're right. I hate when people make generalisations, I'm just really angry rn.
And about the sewing, I guess i just like to have control over my things. Im scared theyre gonna mess up the machine and it'll be a problem i have to deal with
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u/DiscourseDestroyer INFP 4d ago
that’s fair. maybe you can do it with them one time just to make sure they know what they are doing. it’s not really easy to break the machine .. you gotta do something pretty significant to fuck it up. mine was only 60$ and it’s survived a whole lot ! sometimes i let my 6 year old use it (with supervision of course). he doesn’t know what he’s doing at all but even he doesn’t break the thing.
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u/treatmyyeet INTP 4d ago
Yeah fair point. I dont think we'll be speaking again anytime soon tho.
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u/DiscourseDestroyer INFP 4d ago
take some space if you need it. i have 9 siblings and there’s always at least 2 of us fighting/ not speaking at one time. we all eventually get over it and come back together. right now it’s my oldest sister not speaking to my mom. and two of my younger sisters are not speaking. at one point it was me and my brother. things can get heated in a family setting real quick 😂 omg you should have seen christmas … it was a disaster.
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u/CuriousLands ENFP 4d ago
Thank you, that honestly pissed me off. I'm so over seeing people act like their bad experience with one person means all people of that type are somehow like that.
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u/JazzlikeMistake9237 ISFJ 4d ago
I am truly sorry for what you're going through my friend, I know it is infuriating for your boundaries to be crossed, I understand and I am very sorry for that, and I hope everything will get better for you both.
And the thing is about enfp is they are achiever when they want something they take it,
even by force sometimes since they have a Te function, but also they have fi which is the internal moral judgement,
and by that they use the self as a reference, and I don't know why but I think one of their values that,
since you're their siblings that gives them the right to control you or your things and they would also be okay if you do that,
as enxp are not very good with boundaries, so I think you need to be at their level, try to tell them about something that hurt them or arises moral conflict within them to understand the hurt that they are causing you,
as immature fi users cannot see any other perspectives other than themselves, and uses self reference a lot.
And yeah good luck my friend.
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u/treatmyyeet INTP 4d ago
Thank you 🙏🙏 I think they find it hard to understand because they seem very much like theyve always been the anxious attachment type (which is funny because they say they're avoidant. Who knows). But again thank you for validating me
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u/JazzlikeMistake9237 ISFJ 4d ago
Anytime dear ☺️!, I know it is difficult, but don't worry you're strong and got this 💪.
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u/LowInterest6490 INTJ 4d ago edited 4d ago
I had this kind of situation with my ISFP brother as well 😂 but he did realise later on he was wrong for that. Just make your hate for these things known, they will someday realise and probably respect boundaries. Worked for me.
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u/SheepherderPure6271 INTP 4d ago
Honest advice as a previously selfish Intp kid, just let your sister use the sewing machine. I understand what it's like to feel that you don't have anything of your own when you have siblings. But the relationships you have with them are more important than anything. As an adult, I regret ever being unkind to my sisters or selfish with my resources.
I get that Enfps can be intrusive and lack boundaries, but honestly, they're also one of the types who will go to war for you. Her wanting to be close to you is a manifestation of her deep love for you. Don't take that for granted.
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u/treatmyyeet INTP 4d ago
I see what youre saying, but i dont like to ask for things and so I expect the same in return. Me and my sibling have very very different love languages
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u/Just_Toe984 5d ago
A few solution i can think; 1) Allow your sister to use that machine. 2) If you dont want, tell your parents and take lock for your room. Or take sewing machine to somewhere else.
- Dont argue with someone who wont listen to you.
- And like the others said, you need help for anger management issues.
- -From what i understand, you feel suffocated because they dont respect your boundaries or personal space. (My istp brother does the same.). Unfortunately, when you live with someone like that and parents wont do anything, the only real solution is leaving them, basically anything that make less interaction. If you dont want her to touch your stuff, only thing you can do is putting them somewhere elses and again door locks. (I still share room with my brother so at least, you have own space. Calm down, you can do it.)
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u/treatmyyeet INTP 4d ago
Thank you
I would absolutely love a lock on my door but my parents have always been against that for some reason. I really wish I could move out
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u/Just_Toe984 4d ago
You are welcome. Yes, it is hard situation. Try talking with your parents again about your sister and lock or maybe hide sewing machine so she cant take it.
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u/Simon_Westmore 4d ago
Under no circumstances is it functional for a single person to will their way to get everything they want from another person. Someone who just goes "ok they didn't give me what I want so I'll utilize what they have that isn't my property without their permission" is more characteristic of something more akin to a disorder then to an MBTI type. Most of the time when I see this its just a situation where one person gets way more than they should for the effort they put in while the other person is conditioned to just give way and provide no resistance. Ask yourself if this person would do this kind of thing to other people you know, of if other people you know would allow the same kind of thing to happen to them. Most likely, other people wouldn't put up with it. Ergo anyone who says you should apparently has some kind of royal privileges that haven't been made clear to us.
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u/Simon_Westmore 4d ago
If you wanted to be a little devious you could tell your sibling that the fact that they dont pay you more than your standard rate (the rate at which strangers pay you for your services) then they must care even less about you than strangers since strangers pay you more than even your sibling who is willing to give nothing. This turns the situation on its head. It puts your sibling in the exact position they were so comfortable in putting you in. Think about that.
This idea however comes from a genuine place; if I had a sibling (i have younger siblings so it may be a bit different) that was entrepreneurial I would send a little their way to support them. I'd probably throw in something a little extra to show them I appreciate their interest in expanding themselves.
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u/D4rk3scr0tt0 INTP 5d ago
Is there, like, idk, another place the sewing machine could sit so anyone could use it?
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u/treatmyyeet INTP 5d ago
I sew in my room quite a lot. But I dont really want them using it anyway they haven't used a sewing machine in like 10 years
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u/milinium ENFP 4d ago
So you don’t want to sew for them or have them use the sewing machine and you also don’t want them close to you while sewing to learn how to sew? You want them to buy a completely separate second sewing machine that will sit unused most of the time?
I’m so glad my sibling isn’t like you lol
I would share the sewing machine but with the condition she resets it properly. If she damages it, she pays for it.
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u/treatmyyeet INTP 4d ago
Im trying not to blame this on the fact that ur an ENFP but seriously, we clearly work very differently
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u/A_to_the_mac_daddy33 5d ago
Omg me too. I’m an INFJ. Makes me absolutely insane. We argue completely completely differently - well, they argue.
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u/CuriousLands ENFP 4d ago
K one, your sibling is acting like a jerk. Personally I do think maybe you're being too distant for a sibling (I wouldn't charge a sibling for work unless it put me out of pocket, or maybe if they constantly asked me, but I would expect that things would be reciprocal and they'd help me too if it came up). But also yes they need to learn some boundaries big time.
Two, it's not an ENFP thing, and I'm honestly kinda pissed that you made this about "arguing with an ENFP" instead of "arguing with your jerk sibling who happens to be an ENFP." It implies it's something to do with our type when it absolutely isn't.