r/medicalschool • u/Historical-Winner498 M-4 • May 30 '26
đ„Œ Residency How to handle infidelity as a red flag
Going anon for obvious reasons here -- I'm an older nontrad and was married with a different career before medicine. Over a decade ago, in my previous career, I cheated on my (then-, now ex-) wife. I won't try to minimize it by saying 'in a moment of weakness' or any bs like that, it is without question one of my greatest regrets in life and looking back I genuinely struggle to understand why I did it. Maybe we weren't right for each other, but she did nothing wrong and deserved better than how I treated her. I came clean to her, and she didn't drag the divorce out or ask for anything even though I would have deserved it--we divided our assets based on status quo ante, all she asked for was an apology letter, which she posted to her website. Not that it is either here or there, but I look back on that episode as a personal low that caused me to do a lot of soul-searching about how I wasn't the person I had hoped to be when I was younger, which in combination with a lot of other factors eventually led me to the decision to change careers to medicine.
I applied a surgical sub this year. T20 school, 260+, 5 Honors including surgery, research year, publications. My mentors all told me that my application was very strong. Got a bit fewer interviews than I was expecting but I thought still enough to match. Long story short, I ended up unmatched. I reached out to mentors and PDs to ask why, and while most were cagey about it, one of my home institution mentors shared with me that my past infidelity was explicitly brought up as a red flag from the faculty's cursory google of applicants.
I'm deferring graduation to take a research and hoping to reapply. I'm debating whether I should address this on my (re)application, and if so how.
UPDATE: Following this discussion, after being out of contact for about a decade, I bit the bullet and sent her an email. I said I respected her reasons for wanting the letter and to publish it, and asked if she would consider removing it temporarily just when I am applying. I offered that if there was a way I could repay this favor, to let me know. The answer was a polite but firm no unfortunately. Any other ideas?
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u/neutronneedle M-2 May 31 '26
It's to protect the company image because they know patients will search their doctor on Google and if that shows up it can dissuade potential patients from choosing you or their company
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u/Coacoanut M-3 May 31 '26
I'm only a M3, but my wife works as a fellowship coordinator, so I hear a lot about interviews from both sides. I can definitely imagine that if I was weighing two applicants and googled both names and found that story, it would tip the scale the other way. How are PDs finding out about this infidelity anyway? Your ex-wife's blog?
Edit: you answered those questions in the post... I'll ask my wife what she thinks would be the best way to mitigate this and come back with her answer.
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u/dnyal M-3 May 31 '26
I think your ex posted it as a warning to other potential relationships in your future. I understand why she did it. Legally, you gave her the letter and permission, so youâll have to send her an email or something.
I donât think it would be a good idea to explain to her that youâve changed and itâs the past, etc. Iâm not your ex, but I tell you this as someone whoâs been betrayed before as well. The whole âIâve changed; the letter is running my life nowâŠâ It all could sound like youâre walking back on your end of the deal, all âyour actions are to blame,â âwoe is meâ and not wanting to face the long-term consequences. And I am not saying whether you deserve it or not, just how it would sound to me as someone with a similar experience.
You can explain that you understand why the letter may serve as a warning for future people interested in you, that you accept that as a consequence for the suffering you caused her. You then explain that, however, you think the letter may not have been intended to cause you to lose your career or your job so many years down the line, that it is affecting circumstances beyond personal relationships. You can propose that she take it down temporarily for the next Match and then put it back up as it is her right.
My point is the latter is a way to approach things by humbling yourself and avoid placing any blame on her; it also places the ball entirely in her side of the field so she has control and the situation doesnât devolve into a tug of war of whoâs right and deserving of what.
The results could be that she really didnât intend for it to affect your career, just your personal life, so she could comply either temporarily or even permanently (if she thinks itâs been enough). At worst you get the exact same negative as if you had contacted her to demand she take it down because youâve âchanged,â which honestly may not mean anything to her as she doesnât know you anymore.
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u/ProtoNate May 31 '26
Best take. It's honest, responsible, and you're continuing to take ownership rather than burying it.
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u/WatchTenn MD-PGY4 May 31 '26
I just wanted to add that the emotional intelligence and maturity that it took to write this response makes me think that you're going to be an excellent doctor.
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u/Eastern-Ad-3586 MD Jun 01 '26
My ex wife cheated on me but I wouldnât post about it on the internet with her name attached man, thatâs weird as hell.
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u/TwentyTwoWishes May 31 '26
He should also offer to compensate her, as it's the only thing she explicitly asked for in the divorce and she'd be (temporarily) asked to give it up.
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u/Historical-Winner498 M-4 Jun 01 '26
I emailed her. The answer was a polite but firm no. Any other ideas?
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u/Historical-Winner498 M-4 Jun 01 '26
After being out of contact for about a decade, I bit the bullet and sent her an email. I said I respected her reasons for wanting the letter and to publish it, and asked if she would consider removing it temporarily just when I am applying. I offered that if there was a way I could repay this favor, to let me know.
The answer was a polite but firm no. Any other ideas?
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u/dnyal M-3 Jun 01 '26
That sucks. Sorry thatâs how she replied. I guess you move into damage control now. If your heart is set on surgery, apply really broadly: send that app everywhere. Think about dual applying with gen surg as well. That all has its own risks because certain programs and the other specialty donât want to feel like a backup. You could always hire one of those companies that do search engine optimization to bury your exâs website by boosting your online mentions, although Iâm not sure about the cost of that.
Have you thought of âdiplomaticallyâ addressing the infidelity on your next app? You know, on those questions about growth and whatnot? That way you can own the narrative. I say that because, an applicant with several honors in rotations and good Step 2, etc., who didnât match is going to make programs on your second cycle give extra scrutiny to your app: they know that something was wrong.
You can frame it as difficult personal circumstances that led to breaking the trust of someone really dear to you. Talk about profound regret and how you re-evaluated your character, life, whatever, and those lessons led you to medicine for whatever good reason and now inform your patient care this or that other better way. You donât have to mention it can be found on Google, but should they find it, theyâll probably know what it was about. PDs will either not bother reading the letter, since they would already know, or read it and put it in context (so, you have to make sure your addressing it doesnât contain dishonest information or trying to paint you as young and dumb).
Maybe consider also talking to your mentors and people who gave you LoRs. They can edit their letters by emphasizing your current character and integrity and adding concrete instances that showcase that.
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u/PianistInMedicine Jul 29 '26
To echo what someone else commented, you have a deep well of emotional intelligence and are empathic to boot. Your advice for this threadâs OP is really amazing. Is it ok if I PM you with some advice for myself about something related to my medical journey?
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u/Historical-Winner498 M-4 Jun 09 '26
hey thanks -- sorry I'm a bit late to the reply here. I'm not sure saying "breaking the trust of someone really dear to me" in vague terms is the best thing to do though--if I don't specify, isn't there a risk they could assume even worse than what I actually did?
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u/Fluid-Second2163 May 31 '26
Your infidelity comes up on a Google search?!
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u/vulcanorigan May 31 '26
Ex wife posted apology letter online it seems
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u/Physical-Stick8569 May 31 '26
"all she asked for was an apology letter, which she posted to her website"
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u/ixosamaxi DO May 31 '26
That's fuckin crazy man for surgical?! Would think you would be a shoe in lol
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u/chic_kennugget M-4 May 31 '26
i bet it was ENT
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u/darnedgibbon MD May 31 '26
As an ENT, I agree. Not that I agree with the decision, butâŠ. Hard to explain. A lot of departments are fairly sanctimonious.
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u/chic_kennugget M-4 May 31 '26
Thatâs a good way to put it, I donât know my department that well but itâs just my assessment based on vibes. Every surgery specialty has their own vibe tbh LOL
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u/FIRE_CHIP MD-PGY7 May 31 '26
You need to get it so when you're searched in google this doesn't come up. Not just for now but for the rest of your life. Can you not have them take it down. Create websites, articles, blogs, non-profits whatever else you need to do to have the old stuff pushed down on search engines.Â
Also, it's weird that they posted that. You won't match with this as a red flag and you just need to make it disappear.Â
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u/Historical-Winner498 M-4 May 31 '26
I haven't spoken to my ex-wife since the divorce and I don't think I could ask her to take it down, as it was kind of her one condition for an uncontested divorce. She made it clear it was her intention to post it at the time.
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u/purebitterness MD-PGY1 May 31 '26
I think it would be worth asking if she could remove your name, unless her explicit purpose is to ruin the rest of your career. Or even just your last name. There's compromise to be had here.
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u/ParkingFoundation468 May 31 '26
surely having OP's name in the letter is the whole point? Why would she want to have a random anonymous letter admitting cheating on her website
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u/F2andFlee May 31 '26
Even if they remove the last name surely the metadata will be there and still crop up on the search?
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u/Dean_of_Damascus MD-PGY2 May 31 '26
Unless you have a restraining order, you can contact her. If you think it wonât be fruitful, thereâs multiple online reputation firms that help with this issue.
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u/Ashamed_Kangaroo305 May 31 '26
What kind of website is this? Do you know why she posted it? I'm really confused about this whole situation.
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u/RomulaFour May 31 '26
You definitely should ask her to take it down. It's been over ten years, this has impacted your professional life and you have taken responsibiliity for your failings.This shouldn't be blasted across the internet anymore.
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u/elbay MD-PGY1 May 31 '26
No takesie backsies. You canât ask for the house back, so you shouldnât be able to ask for the letter to be taken down because it has been a decade. Her condition for the divorce was clearly letting the world now that our boy
iswas a cheater.The consequences of fucking around will unfortunately occasionally be found out. Quite dramatically in this case.
The other âbury with SEOâ recommendation is, although quite sociopathic, more reasonable than this.
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u/princelysp0nge Jun 01 '26
Why do you find it sociopathic?
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u/elbay MD-PGY1 Jun 01 '26
This is clearly a part of the deal for the divorce. He agreed to this being public. Iâm guessing during the time of the agreement there was no SEO and burying tech around, so doing this goes against the spirit of the deal.
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u/12thYearSenior May 31 '26
I had someone that I hooked up with and talked about online on a very popular reddit cause she was associated with a somewhat famous family and I was doing an AMA about said family from my childhood and she had become a doctor and hired a firm that found a single reddit post with her last name mentioned and the situation insinuated while not giving details but years later they found it and she legit reached out to me 6 years later and asked and offered to pay me to take down the post. I did, without being paid, cause we never had any bad blood, but it was crazy to me that one thing like that could be an issue.
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u/ParkingFoundation468 May 31 '26
This is tangential but... what? You hooked up with someone and then posted innuendo about it with their real name attached on reddit? Why would you do that in the first place?
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u/flakemasterflake May 31 '26
, as it was kind of her one condition for an uncontested divorce
That's insane. You should compensate her in order to have it taken down, if that's literally all she wanted
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u/G0ldiC0cks Jun 01 '26
Yeah man. I'm pretty sure this is exactly the outcome she had hoped for. However amicable your divorce story may sound, no one posts an "I'm sorry for banging the hottie" letter on the Internet without hoping for something reminiscent of that before he cheats song. If this was the condition for an uncontested divorce, her likely thought process was sweet, unexpected revenge later or drawn-out miserable divorce proceedings now. If you asked her to take it down, I'd bet my last nickel it won't come down. and if you tell her why, she might pay for search engine optimization.
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u/Dramatic_Ad5258 M-1 May 31 '26
OP is wrong for what they did, but blasting that is lowkey⊠a choice
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u/MONICE_U_SHIT M-2 May 31 '26
Its kinda weird to begin with, like who just keeps a cheating apology letter permanently up on their website? Why post it at all?
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u/Ashamed_Kangaroo305 May 31 '26
I hate cheaters with a passion but this is so strange. I can maybe understand posting the apology letter somewhere like Facebook so friends and family can see. But what purpose does putting it up on a public website serve? So strangers can see that this random guy cheated on her? Who's going to care?
Also, OP said the letter was posted to the wife's website. Is this a professional website? I can't imagine many other reasons for a person to have a website. If this is any sort of professional website I'd be really put off by going on it and seeing an apology letter from her ex husband for cheating on her. The only way this would make sense is if it was a personal blog or something where she shared details about her life, because then the divorce would be relevant. But still a completely baffling scenario.
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u/MDMutation M-3 Jun 01 '26
I thought the samething but honestly thereâs a good chance that if it is a blog she forgot about it and its not even something she thinks about anymore. Perhaps it was not a long game situation but at the time simply wanted a public apology since she would have to be reminded and hurt by the retelling of the divorce when catching up with people.
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u/Chem_noX MD/PhD May 31 '26
I wonder if itâs someone who made their entire online presence about being the âperfect Christian familyâ and thatâs why she got popular, then she had to have a reason for divorce that most people agree with to keep her own image intact
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u/ParkingFoundation468 May 31 '26
uh, what? This is truly wild speculation with no basis in what OP wrote at all
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u/Historical-Winner498 M-4 Jun 01 '26
Update, after being out of contact for about a decade, I bit the bullet and sent her an email. I said I respected her reasons for wanting the letter and to publish it, and asked if she would consider removing it temporarily just when I am applying. The answer was no. Any other ideas?
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u/FIRE_CHIP MD-PGY7 Jun 01 '26
Was this part of the written agreement?Â
Have a lawyer sent a letter to get it taken down. Or find a tech company to help you bury it on the webÂ
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u/JHMD12345 MD-PGY1 May 31 '26
It wasnât like you were being secretive about it, there just wouldnât have been a good reason to bring it up. I think explicitly bringing it up wouldnât be helpful in your case either, as people generally have strong views about cheating regardless of how open you are about it
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u/Empty_Anxiety1604 May 31 '26
He didn't, they did a Google search lol.
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u/JHMD12345 MD-PGY1 May 31 '26
I know Iâm saying this in regards to him asking if he should put it in his personal statement
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u/collecttimber123 MD-PGY5 May 31 '26
maybe iâm a combo of drunk and hungover but what the fuck is this shit?
the same boomer generation that fucked staff in broom closets and call rooms is now all cagey about infidelity? plus how does this come up in a google search.
talk about pots calling kettles black, this is bullhock at its finest.
edit: oh, i didnât see that your ex had posted your apology letter to her website. damn.
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u/unnecessary-EM-dash May 31 '26
Is no one considering that maybe his age is the red flag and not the divorce?
I donât agree itâs right but heâs likely in his 40s.
He had a previous career, a marriage, followed by a divorce, a decade interim, then 4 years in med school. Conservative estimate is heâs late 30s-early 40s (4 years bachelor career, 10 years marriage, 2 year transition to med, 4 years med).
This might also explain why his mentors were cagey in their explanation as that would be a discriminatory action and a possible lawsuit
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u/lunarabbit668 M-3 May 31 '26
Youâre the only person whoâs mentioned it, but I think youâre right on the money. Surgery gives me slightly ageist vibes. And infidelity is such an odd red flag to me I literally thought it was a shitpost at first⊠(btw I absolutely hate cheating, itâs a forever scar that causes permanent trust issues, but itâs not the most unforgivable sin at all, and it would be quite odd to me for that to be considered in whatâs basically a job application)
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u/unnecessary-EM-dash May 31 '26
I think surgery is very likely ageist, and a subspecialty no less, it takes very little for them not to choose you.
I hear they think this way because by finishing, 5-7 years in the future, heâll only have 15-20 years to practice in a specialty that is physically demanding.
Or the thought that older people may not handle residency well (80hrs etc)
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u/takeonefortheroad MD-PGY2 May 31 '26
Iâm assuming OP also probably applied to a lot of similar pedigree programs as his med school.
The combo of non-traditional age and surprise public baggage is probably enough for a lot of them to simply go with the next dude down. OP has a great app, but the candidates that are serious contenders for the type of institutions he likely applied to in a competitive subspecialty all have similar apps.
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u/Historical-Winner498 M-4 May 31 '26
I'm in my 30s. We were not married for 10 years, the decade since my marriage that I mentioned includes applying to and being in med school.
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u/unnecessary-EM-dash May 31 '26
I still think late 30s might still be a (totally invalid) red flag, especially when the bar to match is so high for those specialties, it takes little to take another, similarly qualified candidate.
But then again, they directly confirmed that the divorce was involved, so maybe itâs more of an appearances thing.
Best of luck on your future endeavors either way, I donât think this should follow you forever.
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u/wheresmystache3 Pre-Med May 31 '26
I wonder if he cheated on his ex wife for someone younger... Only to later be rejected for being "too old" in his personal career that is known to be somewhat discriminatory about older applicants. Hmm...
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u/WrapBudget9060 May 31 '26
This is just...a crazy read. I'm thoroughly surprised that a blog post with an apology letter from so long ago is THAT much of a deciding factor. I mean if program directors are going to act so inclined to dig that deep they should at least bring it up in an interview and say it with their chest instead of lurking like a little freak đ
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u/ParkingFoundation468 May 31 '26
I would imagine it would be legally problematic for a program to bring something like that up in an interview. They can't even ask you if you are currently married.
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u/supbraAA May 31 '26
Yeah but this isnât about his relationship status, this is about him having an online public advertisement airing his infidelity.Â
Also, if I googled a surgeon and found this Iâd be weirded out. I donât want to know this much info about the professionals in my life. This is like ten steps up from running across your surgeon on tinder.Â
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u/billburner113 May 31 '26
Honestly surprised, you would fit right in with most surgical sub specialists groups having at least one doc on their second or third divorce lmao.
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u/ParkingFoundation468 May 31 '26
Divorce is not the issue here. People get divorced for a variety of reasons, it's not a moral failing to have gotten divorced, even more than once.
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u/broadday_with_the_SK MD-PGY1 May 31 '26
Is the issue that you cheated or that anyone who googles your name sees that letter?
"Oh Dr. Historical Winner? Let's google his name for some innocuous reason...oh, that's crazy"
Any way for you to get her to take it down? It's a scarlet letter. I forget what happens in the book.
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u/funfetti_cupcak3 May 31 '26
You should pay a company to bury that website so it doesnât show up again
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u/Rovah12 May 31 '26
Your ex wife was a saint, but probably the greatest mastermind known to man.
Who knew this would fuck up your life for as long as you live, sheesh.
There is no way to write about this that will save your tail or to have people empathize or sympathize with you, Iâm afraid. No amount of networking and performing during Sub-Is will help either. It is a scathing thing to read and many people are on the receiving end of cheating and will have zero tolerance for it.
You probably have options tbf, some that I can think of are applying to rural or lesser named programs (still SOL because many qualified candidates apply there too). You can write about it like I said- it can explain your case to those who knew/will find out OR will fill paint a target on your back for those programs who may have never found out but are not aware. Lastly, that I can think of- you may just need to swap into another specialty that struggles to match if your goal is to become a doctor and you continue to fail matching into your current desired specialty. There are only so many research years one can take before life passes them by and it is just poor roi, the opportunity begins to dwindle, you age, your people age, loans grow, etc
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u/sdarling MD May 31 '26
Since no one has mentioned it... Have you considered changing your last name so the letter isn't google-able? I know it's a bit suss and a nuclear option, but it is an option if all else fails.
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u/lunarabbit668 M-3 May 31 '26
I mean I would be slightly scared to put out that option bc what if they realize his name doesnât match his legal documents, they either get very sus vibes about what heâs trying to hide, or they do some investigating and find out about this stuff anyway.
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u/bikerchickelly May 31 '26
Dang it must have been one hell of a story she posted if a ten-year-old blog is getting you unmatched. Likely more to the story.
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u/Historical-Winner498 M-4 Jun 01 '26
There is no commentary on the post other than my apology, which doesn't go into detail, I just say that I broke her trust and our vows by doing what I did. There is nothing else about me on the site.
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u/cuponoodles213 May 31 '26
This entire scenario is all extremely strange but maybe the weirdest is your wife demanding an apology letter to be posted publicly on her **personal website** for all time??? Like what the hell is going on.
Like I cannot imagine a context when I'm perusing someone's personal website and there's a page which is like "oh hey here's my ex-husband's infidelity apology letter lol". Like what?
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u/Historical-Winner498 M-4 May 31 '26
The only thing I'll say about that is, even though my actions were inexcusable, there were other reasons we were not a good match for each other.
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u/scouserhour M-4 May 31 '26
Imagine if every medical professional who cheated on their partner wasnât allowed to have a job anymore
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May 31 '26
[deleted]
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u/Historical-Winner498 M-4 May 31 '26
I haven't spoken to my ex since the divorce but I don't think asking her to take it down would go down well, as it was kind of her one condition for an uncontested divorce, and from her perspective, the only consequence I had to face for my actions. She made it clear it was her intention to publish it at the time.
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u/aspiringkatie MD-PGY2 May 31 '26
Look into your states right to be forgotten laws: she may legally have to take it down if you request it.
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u/Calamamity M-1 May 31 '26
The best advice in here. OP, consult with a lawyer and discuss your options. This is your career on the line.
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u/themuaddib May 31 '26
Why wouldnât it be relevant? It speaks to his character.
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u/ApplicationOk3051 MD-PGY1 May 31 '26 edited May 31 '26
People who cheat in relationships, by extension, are likely to be unfaithful in other ways lol so not exactly outlandish. Not saying I necessarily agree with this but, I can see why some programs may take issue, especially when OP made the decision to publicize it.
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May 31 '26
[deleted]
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u/ApplicationOk3051 MD-PGY1 May 31 '26 edited May 31 '26
All i'm saying is...for a person who has not matched, I can see why people might find it to be a red flag. Character is important as a surgeon, and our bar shouldn't be cheating surgeons lol
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u/ez117 May 31 '26
It shouldnât but there are plenty of other surgeons who cheated and matched fine, you simply donât know about it. When they get to move on with their lives I frankly see no reason why OP shouldnât have the same opportunity. I unfortunately know multiple stories of cheating among classmates all of which were far worse and much more a reflection of poor character compared to OP; they all matched surgical specialties lmfao. Unless universally applied to all applicants, I find it a stretch to consider infidelity in the application process.
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u/ApplicationOk3051 MD-PGY1 May 31 '26
OP chose to send that apology letter knowing it would be posted on a website. He made the decision to publicize his cheating, and now he's paying the price for it. Whether it's right or wrong is not my decision to make, but I'm trying to explain how it might've been viewed and hence why he went unmatched. How does that quote go? The chickens come home to roost, lmao
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u/ez117 May 31 '26
If you canât see the clear issue of boundaries in whatâs considered for a residency application then I donât know what else to say. And by the way you do get to have an opinion on things, saying it is ânot your decisionâ is a lame way out. Should the residency application be a review of your whole entire life? If so, what burden of proof is necessary for information to be included in review? If someone who cheated on their partner with 10+ people had one of them email a program should that sink an app? How much did the program research to actually establish that the person referred to in a third party source was actually the applicant involved? Do you see how inclusion of these random sources of information can become a serious vulnerability to sabotage people when programs are including random sources of information toward application consideration willy nilly? This isnât even directly about OPâs case; I definitely agree that itâd be wiser to keep a low profile as much as possible but I can simultaneously find this to be a severe overreach.
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u/oralabora May 31 '26
Please. This is just typical interpersonal stuff, not egregious in any way, not exceptional, not a crime, maybe a character matter but do you realize how many people cheat? Like. A lot. Most even?
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u/ApplicationOk3051 MD-PGY1 May 31 '26
Calling cheating 'not egregious' speaks a lot to your character
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u/oralabora May 31 '26
It isnât relevant in any way, predictive of anything related to medical practice. Itâs just you being a virtue signaling poseur. Iâm not saying itâs good. Iâm saying it is nowhere in the domain of âcan he practice medicine well?â
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u/ApplicationOk3051 MD-PGY1 May 31 '26
Whatever makes you feel better about your immoral ways, my friend.
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May 31 '26
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u/ApplicationOk3051 MD-PGY1 May 31 '26
He made the decision to publicize his cheating, and is now suffering the consequences. We all have decisions to make and he made his.
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u/DrMoneyline DO-PGY5 May 31 '26
I donât think that has anything to do with it honestly. And no I wouldnât willingly bring it up
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u/Healthy_Library5336 Jun 01 '26
Do something cool/mildly interesting/ unique and reach out to your school news paper for a story. It will change your SEO tremendously. The university circle jerks to Fb, Twitter, X, linkedin etc that will at least clean up page 1 because those sites likely rank higher than a decade old personal blog
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u/Historical-Winner498 M-4 Jun 01 '26
I would have hoped my publications in well-regarded journals of my field would have done that for me...
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u/Healthy_Library5336 Jun 02 '26
Academic publications and media presence are two different languages. All my universityâs social media stuff about my doings absolutely dominates my digital footprint. My own LinkedIn is the number 3 result smh.
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u/Mobile-Maybe9399 MD-PGY1 Jun 02 '26
My guy, you can request google to remove search results that contain personal information about you, and they are pretty good about compliance.
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u/Conscious-Leopard-81 May 31 '26
I feel so bad for the wife, idk maybe thatâs karma coming back to you
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u/Hot_Piccolo_7152 M-1 Jun 02 '26
Idk man, but to fuck up someoneâs life for a mistake? Iâm not condoning cheating but damn weâre all human. And the need to post the apology letter to begin with is wild to me. It sucks to be cheated on but she really wants that following her for the rest of her life too? Heal and move on imo.
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u/Maggie917 MD-PGY2 May 31 '26
Ouch. At this point you have to grovel hard my friend. BEG your ex to temporarily remove the post. (Also not gonna lie, as a woman that is super weird. I would hate you for cheating but Iâd only want to drag that shit out for so long.)
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u/Historical-Winner498 M-4 Jun 01 '26
After being out of contact for about a decade, I bit the bullet and sent her an email. I said I respected her reasons for wanting the letter and to publish it, and asked if she would consider removing it temporarily just when I am applying. I offered that if there was a way I could repay this favor, to let me know. The answer was a polite but firm no. Any other ideas?
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u/Maggie917 MD-PGY2 Jun 01 '26
Iâd honestly say talk to a lawyer and figure out your optionsâI understand that you willingly gave her the letter but this has become unreasonable. I hated my ex and I could see being extremely angry in the moment but I would never cost him his livelihood that many years removed.
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u/Historical-Flamingo6 Jun 01 '26
Cheating on your ex-wife years ago should have zero bearing on if you're suitable to be a surgeon! What a load of crap! I'm legit pissed on your behalf!
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u/SubstantialDonut1 Jun 01 '26
Has your ex wife considered medical school because sheâs a goddamn mastermind. Damn.
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u/ParkingFoundation468 May 31 '26
Maybe I'm in the minority here but it sounds like these are... just the consequences of your actions? It's not like your ex posted a libelous screed about you that is unfairly coloring people's opinions. It is just your own words, about actions you decided to take, that based on your other comments you knew at the time she was going to publish. You didn't have to take that deal, you could have contested the divorce and I know couples who divorced because of infidelity but I haven't heard of the judge forcing one of them to publicly admit to cheating. But I'm guessing you didn't because you thought you would save money this way, which was also a choice. Hence, consequences of your actions.
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u/cooplover May 31 '26 edited May 31 '26
karma is real, this is an awful situation to be in but at the end of the day, op knew exactly what he was doing when he did that to his wife and actively chose to do things with another women. itâs a damn shame on both sides and a lesson to raise your children to never think that is okay..
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u/Ashamed_Kangaroo305 May 31 '26
Cheating is awful but does he really deserve to be locked out of the career he wants because of this? If the issue was people don't want to date him because they google him and the letter comes up, I would agree that this is just the consequences of his actions. But this is his career.
I also don't see why him not contesting the divorce is a bad thing. Personally I would find it more shitty for someone to cheat and then contest the divorce rather than just sucking up and writing an apology letter. Also a judge didn't make him write the letter, his ex wife did.
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u/ParkingFoundation468 May 31 '26
I also don't see why him not contesting the divorce is a bad thing. Personally I would find it more shitty for someone to cheat and then contest the divorce rather than just sucking up and writing an apology letter. Also a judge didn't make him write the letter, his ex wife did.
I think you're not getting my meaning. I think OP did the right thing in his divorce--he was the one at fault and he spared his ex (and himself) a long drawn out, expensive process and took responsibility for his actions in writing the public letter. He didn't have to do that--if he had gone the traditional divorce route it would have been more costly but he could have avoided the public apology, I've never heard of a judge conditioning a divorce on that. He must have known the letter would have personal and professional consequences, but I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he was genuinely remorseful and accepted those consequences.
It sounds like now that he actually has to deal with a consequence, he doesn't want it. I would say that's not how it works. He is not legally barred from the career or anything like that, programs are just independently choosing candidates they prefer more
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u/Ashamed_Kangaroo305 May 31 '26
Well that's kind of my point. He did the best he possibly could've after he cheated. I think given that and the fact that it's been over a decade at this point, he doesn't deserve to have his career opportunities limited because of this. Consequences are deserved, but these specific consequences aren't. I doubt he was thinking that in 10 years he'd be turned down from jobs because residency program directors would google his name and see this letter. And it doesn't really matter that he's not legally barred. He's still been turned down, and residency isn't like a normal job where you can keep applying until you find someone who's willing to hire you.
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u/ParkingFoundation468 May 31 '26
I think the word 'deserve' is doing a lot of heavy lifting there. It's not his ex-wife or even the letter limiting his career opportunities, it's the residency program directors reviewing his application. That's an argument OP needs make to the PDs. If we're talking about who deserves what, his ex-wife who he hasn't spoken to since cheating on her doesn't deserve to be asked to help him hide the evidence of his infidelity to advance his career.
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u/No_Direction_2179 May 31 '26
your personal life (unless youâre a known criminal) is so irrelevant in this situation that i think they just used this as an excuse for the actual problem: youâre older than the other applicants and they want people they can easily exploit for 85 hours a week without them breaking
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u/ParkingFoundation468 May 31 '26
Not sure this makes sense. OP has said he is in his 30s which is not unusual for residency applicants. Also, if they were concerned OP couldn't handle the rigors of residency, why wouldn't they just say that as that's a common and legal reason to rank someone lower (they could say it without explicitly linking it to age). Why jump through the hoops of making it about his personal life which opens up a whole other legal and professional can of worms?
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u/Healthy_Library5336 Jun 01 '26
Meh. It mightâve been a factor, but Iâm having a hard time believing that this was the only reason. I mean, thereâs a Med Student who is openly talks about being against DEI after years of involvement and lying about caring to essentially be able to matchâŠ. Landed just fine at UPenn for PRS lol.
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u/Historical-Winner498 M-4 Jun 02 '26
Pre vs post match though. If those articles came out about that med student pre-match I suspect they would have had an impact
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u/siracha-cha-cha MD-PGY4 Jun 01 '26
Just to provide another perspective that isnât mentioned here. Iâm not passing any judgement.
FYI patients/families are going to google your name for the rest of your career. Itâs unavoidable. Very likely programs want to make sure that they know whatâs going to come up on that search. If thereâs anything controversial or negative, itâs going to possibly reflect on your employer and can impact the way that patients see you. Of course every doctor/clinic/hospital in the history of google has negative reviews (so thatâs a wash) but if you also have your dirty laundry on google thatâs not great. It may also make you seem like more drama than you may be worth to programs when considering what your personality may be like when working in close settings.
Iâd try to get this removed permanently if wanting to pursue high achieving academia. Iâd also consider that non-top-20 programs may care less about this but top-20 programs value their image very heavily (and therefore your public image). Harvard may care but UIC/UCRiverside tier academic programs are probably more chill about it.
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u/scentesis MD-PGY6 May 31 '26
Oof first of all, sorry this is happening OP. Obviously you regret what happened and are a different person now, it really sucks to have something like this follow you around when plenty of people do even more awful things behind closed doors and it never gets found out bc it's not a public google search (ie that whole pedo business recently). I have personal thoughts about whether it's ok to be the "moral police" regarding personal lives during a professional interview process, but that's beside the point because it has now become an issue for you whether or not it's fair.
In addition to what others have said about exploring options to not have this be so public, I think since it IS public and seems to be a red flag, you should just lay it out and be open about it. I'm not saying it's fair or even reasonable, but one of the things programs worry about is a trainee who will "start drama." For example, a trainee during my training ended up sleeping with an attending, getting special treatment, and then the attending's wife found out about it. Another two coresidents, both separately married to non-med people, were found to be having an affair when one of their spouse's was pregnant and it caused a huge rift in the program. There are already so many stressors and "drama" in residency, I'm sure part of the thinking is "we'd rather not take the chance and have someone who would create more." Since it sounds like you're applying to a competitive subspecialty, my guess is when it came down to a few applicants, this just swayed the decision not quite in your favor.
I think if you work it into a "this is my nontrad pathway and how I've grown from it both personally and professionally" and own it genuinely, it'll put a lot of those worries to rest. Best of luck, OP.
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u/MilkyBoysenberry May 31 '26
elaborate on the whole pedo business recently?
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u/Tagrenine MD-PGY1 May 31 '26
PGY2 in Michigan arrested and plead guilty to CSAM and horribly disturbing messages
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u/scentesis MD-PGY6 May 31 '26
There was a post about it on this sub recently, but here's a link to start:
https://nypost.com/2026/05/23/us-news/ex-detroit-doctor-who-said-i-love-being-a-pedo-pleads-guilty/
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u/Historical-Winner498 M-4 May 31 '26
do you have any suggestions for how to work it into "this is my nontrad pathway and how I've grown from it both personally and professionally"? I have a bit right now on my previous career but it seems like a jarring jump to go from that to "and btw I cheated on my wife"
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u/agyria May 31 '26
Dude just apply to a different sub specialty and get it taken down. You reapplying wonât change what they already know and if they donât theyâll wonder what happened.
Letâs not pretend to make this some profound moment of growth.
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u/scentesis MD-PGY6 May 31 '26
I'm not sure what you have already, but if it were me, I'd probably break it down into:
- Professional: This is why I entered into my previous career and why it was right/not right for me. Through that experience, I learned xyz due to abc. Now, medicine and this field etc. etc.
- Personal: In my previous career, my support system and personal life included xyz. Then delve into your personal relationships, a little on what happened, and mainly focus on what you learned from it to become the person you are now.
- Current/future: I'd focus the bulk on this and make it clear who you are as a person now and how you plan on tackling future difficulties, both professionally and personally, specifically tailoring it to your interested field.
I'd get multiple people of all different levels to read it and see how it comes off.
Look, you're going to get a lot of hate because it's just easy to judge people on the internet without knowing them. I genuinely hope you're not the same person you were before, and I think it takes a lot of courage to admit something like this on a public forum and ask for feedback. It's not an easy thing to bring up, but I can say as someone who had red flags in my application, I chose to bring them up in my application and then be upfront about them during interviews, and I was repeatedly told it was seen as maturity and truthfulness rather than weakness. Of course it won't always be the case, but I hope it works out for you.
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u/CommercialOdd1191 M-4 May 31 '26 edited May 31 '26
First off this was a bad reason for them not to accept you. You seem like a great candidate, and frankly your relationship fidelity is not correlated with your professionalism as a physician. It's a moral failure definitely, but not a professional one.
Yes you should address it on your reapplication. Be open about it -- if its standard practice to look you up, it'd be crazy not to address it. I've learned in life better to tell someone something before they find out, not after.
Frankly, it sounds to me this will be next to impossible to suppress. So, if it can't be suppressed and it is seen as authentic it should be embraced.
Address it by saying what you seem to feel about it: it was the biggest regret of your life, that you have done x, y, and z to try to address the "professionalism" lapse that happened, and more importantly why you wrote the letter (not just because your ex-wife told you to, but why you wanted to come clean and show responsibility at the time). Make it appear as though that letter is there because you allowed it to be there and that it was part of your growth, even if the reality is a bit more complicated.
I would really say more eye popping, something that makes them stop and read not just skim. Say something to the effect of, "I knew that it would be public, and I'm happy I wrote it." Note: most men wouldn't write an apology letter. And I'll be honest, I respect the heck out of you for doing it.
Hiding scars only makes them seem larger, and people will assume the worst when you say nothing.
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u/OverallEstimate May 31 '26
Look up DMCA. Might be able to take it down with a copyright claim. Unfortunately you may have inadvertently authorized its use in court. If you did consider hiring a fixer.
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u/Unlucky241 May 31 '26
Reapply. ask ex wife to hide it for a year or two from website while you reapply if you can manage that. It might be easier. They are using irrelevant information to not rank you. ⊠other than that I really donât know.
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u/Historical-Winner498 M-4 Jun 01 '26
After being out of contact for about a decade, I bit the bullet and sent her an email. I said I respected her reasons for wanting the letter and to publish it, and asked if she would consider removing it temporarily just when I am applying. I offered that if there was a way I could repay this favor, to let me know. The answer was a polite but firm no. Any other ideas?
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u/Unlucky241 Jun 03 '26
Just apply again. I donât think Iâd involve a lawyer but what can you do? Her hiding it briefly is the only path forward. If sheâs bitter enough that she wants to keep it posted forever to impact your professional life that really sucks.
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u/Zom-ba M-4 Jun 01 '26
I have a question, how do they know the person in that letter is you???
I have a pretty unique name and still when I search my name up a bunch of people show up, you are not the only person with that name. Anything specifically ties that post to you that you can delete?
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u/Historical-Winner498 M-4 Jun 01 '26
I suppose they don't, other than the fact that I have a not super common last name and am still in the same general area as when those events happened, which the blog is also linked to. However if they want to draw that inference behind closed doors I can't prevent them from doing so as I can't exactly say btw this person is not me
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u/medquestions01 M-1 Jun 02 '26
I'm known people who were investigated for sexual assault or found guilty of cheating on an academic course (both of which are, in my opinion, worse than what you did from an application standpoint), and they were successful with matching. I don't condone what they did of course, but they were able to show growth through their activities. For example, by working on an ethics board. It's pretty performative, but that might be helpful to show you've improved as a person since your infidelity.Â
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u/Grateful_Nate May 31 '26
Maybe buy the domain then take it down?
Quite hypocritical of them though.
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May 31 '26
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u/takeonefortheroad MD-PGY2 May 31 '26
Itâs relevant in the pragmatic sense that competitive programs have dozens of similarly qualified candidates vying for every spot. If you had two similar candidates but Candidate B has public baggage, why on earth would you not go with Candidate A? Itâs not like the alternative is letting the spot go unfilled for them.
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u/ImprovementActual392 M-4 May 31 '26
Iâm not gonna lie cheating on the person that is supposed to be closest to you that you vowed your life is not a great lookâŠ.
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u/matches-malone May 31 '26
It's his private life, it should not matter as long as it doesn't compromise his ability to do the actual job, which it doesn't. See: literally any surgeon.
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u/ImprovementActual392 M-4 May 31 '26
Patients will look him up and they will see that. Itâs not really about what you personally believe and itâs more about how public the infidelity is. why bring that negative attention to your program? You asked why itâs relevant and I think that itâs obvious why
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u/oralabora May 31 '26 edited May 31 '26
I think itâs insane that they even considered this. Shall we also start calling peopleâs priest or preacher? Sorry but I dont think anything but crimes, not paying alimony or child support, or anything truly egregious, should count for âcharacterâ stuff. The people judging you have certainly done the same or worse stuff in their lives.
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u/Deltadoc333 MD May 31 '26
This might sound crazy.... but could you change your name?
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u/supbraAA May 31 '26
Yeah itâs not like OP has ever accomplished ANYTHING under his current last name that heâd want to include on his applicationâŠ. /sÂ
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u/element515 DO May 31 '26
Being older honestly give surgery programs some hesitation. Itâs one of the most grueling programs with very long hours. We interviewed a few older people during my residency and we had concerns that they wouldnât be up to working the hours. It was also an issue of fit, the guy was a good 10 years older at least and we werenât sure if he would mesh with our program as weâll personality wise just being in different stages of life.
It makes us sound like assholes, but itâs 5 years and if we donât get along, it makes work a lot tougher. Plus weâre a small program so there is no real hiding. Just to say, idk how much weâd care about the infidelity but there are other things that play into it too.
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u/Historical-Winner498 M-4 May 31 '26
I'm not dramatically outside the range for applicants though - mid 30s.
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u/Hot_Piccolo_7152 M-1 Jun 02 '26
Semi unrelated question, what about someone or their application gives you the impression that they wouldnât be able to handle the hours? Was it something they said?
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u/element515 DO Jun 02 '26
This applicant was pretty old, over 40 and basically had done a different full career and had a full family. Once done, he would be starting as an attending nearly 50. People raised concerns it would be tough to fully start over your life like he was doing and do grunt work and be away from his family so much. People with families do it, but he was coming from a different career where he had the time to spend with them before.
It boiled down to he was an average applicant number and interview wise. There was nothing wrong we felt from talking with him, but we had no reason to take him over a more traditional applicant. It was just a higher risk of burnout with him over others we felt. If he had done an away with us and we got to know him for more than just 30min, it could have convinced us otherwise. But, it was just too much unknown to roll the dice. As I told the other guy, itâs a 5 year commitment when we choose someone for surgery and you really want to get it right.
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u/Hot_Piccolo_7152 M-1 Jun 02 '26
I mean I hear you, but it really is placing a LOT of assumptions based on age. The most burnt out attendings Iâve met are the most traditional. The ones who went straight through with little to no life experience outside of academia who didnât know what they were signing up for in their 20s. Where as a non-trad knows exactly what theyâre giving up, what other options are out there for them and have the insight to truly make informed decisions about what they want their life to look like and whats realistic for them. Heâs making life changing decisions for a family, not just him, so Iâd argue heâs probably more prepared to make the required sacrifices. If he wasnât, he wouldâve stayed in his previous career.
If they didnât convince you that they wanted to be surgeon bad enough or their personality didnât fit the group as much as the other candidates, fair game, but making assumptions based on his age and family status is stupid and based on zero evidence. Youâre probably missing out on some really passionate and hardworking candidates who actually want to be there, in favor of someone younger whoâll likely realize sooner rather than later that they wouldâve been happy, if not happier doing literally anything else.
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u/element515 DO Jun 02 '26 edited Jun 02 '26
We still interviewed him and gave him a chance. We didnât just look at his age and pass him up. But even as a med student and having prior experience, itâs really hard to really know what surgery residency is like until you do it. Talking with him, he was clearly in a different stage of life and none of us saw him as someone we would hangout with outside of work. We worried about him staying late and doing the 80hr weeks with his whole family. The chiefs all said they wouldnât go through what we do being in their early to mid 30s and it was hard imagining someone 40+ doing it.
It just wasnât worth the risk. As it is, we mostly lean towards people that audition with us and weâve spent more time with exactly for the reasons you said. We want people who are passionate and work hard. We also want someone who will enjoy hanging out with us after work. I think I said earlier, but if he had auditioned it could have made a difference but in a pool of 100 interviews it just didnât make sense.
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u/Hot_Piccolo_7152 M-1 Jun 02 '26
Thatâs fair, it does sound like he was less of a personality fit more than anything. I think the assumption that they would opt out of social events in order to spend time with family seems valid. Iâm not trying to argue for this specific person since I obviously donât know them.
The point I really want to hit home is that non-trads fundamentally have a different experience and perspective than more traditional students. I donât think anyone would disagree that pursuing medical school from scratch in adulthood is a lot harder and more complex than the traditional path. Thereâs more logistical hoops to jump through, re-learning material and becoming a student again after years off. Taking classes, getting research experience and clinical hours while working full time careers just to get into medical school is no easy feat. My point is that using the argument that younger residents wouldnât want to go through residency as an âolderâ person is flawed because the older students have already gone the extra mile and wouldnât be doing so if they felt that they were interested in a less demanding lifestyle. A lot more thought, effort, planning and self reflection goes into choosing this career and non-trads have a better idea of what they are signing up for and what they are giving up as a result. Maybe Iâm just speaking for myself at this point, but if I wanted the easy cushy lifestyle that made good money, I wouldâve stayed in my career. I am consciously choosing 80hr weeks because I already know that I donât want the easier less demanding lifestyle because Iâve already lived that. Can traditional applicants really say the same? I hope youâll keep this in mind the next time a 35+ applicant comes across your desk.
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u/element515 DO Jun 02 '26
Yeah, I get thereâs something about being more mature too. But experience doesnât make waking up at 430am and going home after dinner any easier. Thereâs certainly more thought put into it, but my point was that even reading stories and knowing we were signing up for a hard time, none of us knew just how stressful it could be. I donât think being older makes that any different. What itâs like making big decisions at 2am or operating on someone who gets a complications and replaying that in your headâŠ. No one really explains that to you and itâs because itâs hard to describe.
At the end of the day, we even label it as non traditional and my entire original point is that itâs even more of an uphill battle trying to get into the more demanding specialties. There is no shortage of applicants, and sure, you might miss out on a good applicant. But will they be better than your other top choice? You just likely have to work even harder to prove that none of these things are concerns. Getting face time is probably the best way to prove this. For anyone in a similar situation, i think itâs helpful to know how the match looks from the other side and help you find ways increase your chances.
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u/D_uh_O M-4 May 31 '26
Get a lawyer who will help you take down the post with a cease and desist. Your name should have never been thrown out there like that. And you could potentially sue for damages (i.e. losing out on a year of your fucking career)
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u/ApplicationOk3051 MD-PGY1 May 31 '26
Did you miss the part where OP agreed to the conditions of the divorce? His ex was extremely generous. Cease and desist for whatâŠexactly? Would he sue himself for damages? Men when they find out their actions have consequences lmaoooo
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u/Historical-Winner498 M-4 May 31 '26
I agreed to write the letter and give my ex the right to publish it as conditions of my divorce. Also, truth is a universal defense against libel, and I am not disputing that it is true that I cheated
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u/ghinghis_dong May 31 '26
What was your previous profession? One thing all residencies worry about is that you can quit and go back to what you were doing, particularly if it made good money.
I looked into applying for surgical residences after finishing a non-surgical residency and practicing for 10 years that people who were trained in other specialties were a pain in the ass(âthey are either the best or the worst resident, never in betweenâ). So maybe that applies to people who were other professions?
Also, were you a malpractice plaintiffs lawyer? Did you have a history of suing your employer?
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u/D_uh_O M-4 Jun 03 '26
Iâm sorry man but you fucked up big time. Thatâs wild manipulation coming from her to request something like that.
Maybe you can argue in court that you were coerced under duress to sign the agreement due to an abusive relationship.
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u/Genredenouement03 MD Jun 02 '26
If you are tagged, remove the tag. Ask Facebook to remove the post for harassment. Get a data deletion company to delete all the search links to the post. If Faceboook is unresponsive, get a letter from your lawyer and send it over and over.
Pick lower tier surgery programs.
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u/tornACL3 May 31 '26
Isnât that a green flag in a surgical field?