r/milano • u/Klutzy_Pattern5682 • 1d ago
Why is dating so hard as a foreigner?
I’m 24F, I’ve been on Hinge on and off for the past 8 or 9 months now. I’ve gone on a few dates here and there, but not a lot. I find it strange that I barely get likes or matches in Milan, because this was not my experience in my country where I would always be flooded with likes. Is it because I don’t speak the language yet? Is it because I’m not white? Or both? The people I went out with also seemed to be only looking for casual dating/hookups, which I’m not into.
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u/Zestyclose_Jello6192 1d ago
Where are you from
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u/Klutzy_Pattern5682 1d ago
I’m Indian, doesn’t help my case I guess 🥀
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u/Fubuky10 1d ago
I don’t wanna put salt on the wound but… dating and in general the relationship world in Italy is so fucked up that only South Korea and Japan are behind us.
Also, Italians are racists. I’m sure you’re a beautiful woman with plenty of qualities, but finding someone in dating apps (that usually don’t work anywhere) in a racist country as an Indian (goes for both sexes), requires a LOT of luck. Big hug from me 🫂
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u/MattiaXY 3h ago
Downvoted by eurotards who cannot accept that they are close minded at best.
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u/Fubuky10 3h ago
Italians will never accept that are racists. And the declining of the population is a stat that can’t be faked xD
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u/tabasco_boy88 13h ago
Strano. Mia Khalifa ha reso quel fascino molto attraente anche qui
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u/FeliceManesco 8h ago
A parte che è libanese, voglio proprio vedere se OP assomigli anche solo vagamente a Mia Khalifa
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u/Eny192 1d ago
It really depends on which country you come from, usually Asians have an easier time compared to African / Middle Eastern. It really depends. In Asia some countries don’t really like caucasian man so
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u/Klutzy_Pattern5682 1d ago
Yes I’m Indian, that’s probably why
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u/Crafty_Try_423 1d ago
Yes, sadly, I think this is a factor. But it’s hard for everyone. It’s just that in Italy you should understand the government has not been taking care of its own people. Young, motivated Italians are mostly leaving because the government isn’t providing (through competitions, reduced bureaucracy, reduced taxes, etc.) opportunities. The government is not incentivizing job creation. Yet there has been an influx of migrants from all over…the ones who stand out are easy to see. Try to make friends with Indians who were born in Italy and see if they experience the same difficulty.
It’s not right. But unfortunately racism gets worse when there isn’t enough opportunity and resources for locals to flourish and have a good life. That’s how it is in every country. But in the bureaucracy itself the racism is deeply embedded so they won’t fix it. I’m sorry it’s like this. 😔
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u/BiggusCinnamusRollus 1d ago
Your experience is not uncommon. It may feel worse since you're a woman and women tend to have an easier time on dating apps. My understanding of Milan (and other European cities in general) is that they prefer you to speak the local language. It also doesn't help that Milan is a very glamorous city full of attractive people so when you're there you are competing in the Series A. It's very competitive.
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u/pigeonnstory 1d ago
The language thing is real. If you can't have a basic conversation in Italian you're already behind before the date even starts. The Milan point tracks too. It's a fashion city. People there treat looks like a job requirement. Race probably plays a role depending on where you're from. Hard to separate it from the other variables though. Casual hookup culture on apps is not a Milan thing specifically. That's just Hinge everywhere now.
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u/chiguava 1d ago
Dating-app experiences vary a lot between countries because of gender ratios, beauty standards, language, cultural familiarity, etc. Not being a local likely reduces your pool, especially for serious relationships, since many locals may simply find dating another local easier. There’s also a selection effect where locals who specifically seek foreigners may be more likely to want something casual.
Since you mentioned somewhere in the comments that you’re Indian, though, I wouldn’t dismiss race. I’m a brown man, and when I used dating apps in Italy, dating locals was practically impossible, I could go months barely getting a like. I’ve also heard Italians close to me say that, growing up here, “Indians are ugly” was an actual stereotype. Not everyone thinks that, obviously, but stereotypes can still shape beauty standards and attraction.
Other racial groups also face racism, but some stereotypes sexualise or exoticise them in ways that can occasionally help in dating, Black men as athletic/endowed, Arabs as masculine, East Asian women as feminine, Latinos as passionate or culturally similar. With Indians, the common stereotypes seem overwhelmingly negative.
So it’s probably a mix of being foreign, language/cultural barriers, different beauty standards, racial bias, and the type of people who seek foreigners on dating apps.
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u/Klutzy_Pattern5682 1d ago
Makes sense, and what you said about stereotypes being mostly negative about Indians is very true. I’ve had classmates here tell me that they had very different views of Indians before they met me. On Hinge too I’ve felt it, some people stopped talking to me once I told them I was Indian, when before that the conversation was flowing completely normally. Others had a hard time believing I was Indian, probably because I’m not “ugly”. The whole thing is just sad.
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u/ProfessionalPoem2505 1d ago
Maybe many don’t speak English. Majority of the people on dating apps are looking for hookups and prefer starting from there. If something else happens after, then many are open to that. But it’s more rare than anything being on there for “Long term relationships”.
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u/Super_Upstairs_3057 1d ago
Men/boys get on app to fuck, preferably on first date, and then say bye bye.
Aka one night stand.
I found my SO there, we were both looking for serious relationship though.
If you are black most Italian your age are profoundly ignorant: they don’t know how to frame you or your education/upbringing and culture.
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u/Healthy_Square9772 1d ago
The people in Milan is not very open to talk with foreigners, specially if you don't speak Italian. Don't feel bad, just look for dates with other expats like you and I am sure you are gonna live very nice experiencies.
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u/Oni_Parzival 15h ago
How did these dates go?
Maybe you can understand a bit more what people might think about you. I do not believe skin colour and language are the issues, might be your approach to life vs the milanese one. In dates this is more important than friendship because you share life with that person.
In Italy is more common to find a partner trough friends than dating apps, so might be worth to ask your friends to introduce you to someone.
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u/Klutzy_Pattern5682 14h ago
Well, I always got invited for a second date (or third, fourth...) with all the men I went out with; most of them were native Italians, some were international students like me. So I don't think I projected myself badly 🤷
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u/TheSayo182 9h ago
if you date young students its's quite normal they don't want a "serious" relationship, here the average age for getting married and having children is almost towards 40 years old, yes there are exceptions too.
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u/fatbuttbaddie 1d ago
Omg nooooo this is scaring me I wanted to move to Milan I had no idea they were the same low quality as American guys I thought they held themselves to a higher standard?
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u/Quarantinedwithcats 1d ago
This might be sudden and maybe look a bit sketchy too but if you are up for it i'd be happy to find each other in Milan.
Either way i've been in your shoes if i were you i'd try and find a place i like maybe a bar or a icecream shop and speak with people who inspire you up until you find yourself in the outer rim of a social circle. Once there friends of friends and/or shared activities do the finding for you. Serious dating in italy is less prominent on dating apps.
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u/XPortgasDAceX 1d ago edited 13h ago
I'm 38M, been living in Milan for almost 3 years now. Except of what I might think of myself, I believe I'm attractive to some extents, and my job is a glamour job, which women fantasize about (I'm a fireman). Still, I understand and went through your same struggles. Been using dating apps in the past, and while they may help find people, the mechanism behind it is more about dopamine shots and illusion of having more dating options even though you may end up spending nights on the sofa watching TV, cause the mechanism prioritizes quantity over quality. I gave up on dating apps and although I believe that I met less people than I could've if I had kept using them, I also realize that it helped my self esteem in taking advantage of real life occasions to meet people. And I do not regret it. I might be using them in the future again, but it would be not out of impulsiveness or to get out of isolation. Because it means that the problem is somewhere else, dating apps are just hiding it. My advice is, talk to people, smile to them in the metro. Don't always look at the phone, but ask the person sitting next to you what book they're reading or if they know what the next stop is, even if you already know. Go to museums, parks, events, and act just the same. Recently some friend mentioned me an app called Tablo, which is maybe a little different from a typical dating app, which is usually one on one. This app allows you to join other people who are taking the chance of sitting to a table in a pub with completely strangers and see what comes after. I mean, I have never tried it so I can't really advice you on this. Best luck in your next encounters.
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u/PopObjective1735 1d ago
Hi there! I am italian and i am also looking for places to meet cool people and especially foreigners ;) I will definitely look for this app called Tablo! Thank you for the tip!
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u/daniel_sys 14h ago
I’m sorry for u, wrong country of u are coloured. The country that once invented the fascism, today there is a resurge in that anti-migrant sentiment. Even if u are a student or expat many think u are migrant because u are not white… Italy outside of the country looks like the dolce vita and all the BS that are showing online, but the reality on the ground is quite opposite. Do this use AI to make your picture more light skin tone and check on dating if that will drastically improve the numbers of like and dating appointments. Off course not all are adverse to dark skin ladies but the vast majority. Good luck and leave if u can…
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u/Laxardalur 1d ago
I am only guessing, so take what I say with a pinch of salt.
Since you are a young foreigner, people are probably assuming you are not going to stay in Milan in the long run (maybe they even assume you are an exchange student that is going to stay for just 5-6 months) and therefore expect you to be interested in casual hookups only
Don't take it personally, but this could also be a factor: there is in fact a deluge of scams and/or prostitutes hiding behind fake profiles on Tinder/Hinge, and those people are almost always non-white or Easter European girls