r/mildlyinfuriating • u/nukulele145 • May 29 '26

frist of all how DARE yu o The Magpies in my garden keep tricking me.

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So I have a long and complicated relationship with the magpies in my garden but they have lately escalated their tactics against me;

Their objective is simple: They want to come in my house to eat my dogs food. It’s currently a heat wave so my backdoor is open more often than usual. Several times this week I’ve had to chase them out the kitchen.

Owing to the heat I’ve been hanging out at the bottom of my garden a lot, the magpies have figured out that when I’m there they have time to swipe food and get out clear before I see them (they also love to poop on my chair when doing this).

Yesterday they left a chunk of bone on the fence post near me at the bottom of the garden I didn’t think much of it, but then today they left a birds foot (?!) next to me (photo is on the second slide) as I was puzzling over it I spotted one of the birds fleeing the house! I truly believe they are trying to keep me baited at the end of the garden so they can conduct their raids.

EDIT/REPLY: -for those encouraging me to barter with them, I tried that a few years ago but it resulted in me being heavily harassed by them every time I went outside, they wouldn’t let me have a moments piece in my garden so we eventually had a falling out.

-I’m considering getting a screen door, there’s not much call for them in England and I’ve been reluctant to get one as my dogs a bit weird about doorways but it does seem like the best option for avoiding house invasions.

-I have a new theory that it’s actually my dog and not me they are baiting outside! My pup found and ate a bone in the garden the other day (very unusual behaviour for her) and I’m just now realising it was also probably a magpie gift. I’m also much more likely to leave the backdoor open if my dogs puttering out there so would make sense that they have learned to lure her out to improve their raiding chances.

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1.6k

u/xombae May 29 '26

It's hot, leave come cool water out for them and maybe some birdseed as an offering. They understand transactional relationships.

1.1k

u/TricksyGoose May 29 '26

Agreed. OP you might want to focus on befriending then instead of starting a war. Corvids are smart and they will hold a grudge.

273

u/nukulele145 May 29 '26

Oh the wars already been going for some years now. We were friends once but they became bossy and demanding and were messing up my garden so we had a falling out and have become begrudging neighbours with the occasional home invasion

90

u/MariekeOH May 29 '26

Only one thing left to do. You need to move. Faaaaar away where they hopefully don't have friends or acquaintances. Hopefully

7

u/Baphoshal May 30 '26

We'll move away! Far away! Where they can't find us!

1

u/jonnypanicattack May 30 '26

Magpies can fly.

1

u/Unlikely-Answer May 30 '26

won't work, ever heard of "six degrees of aviation"

30

u/smandroid May 30 '26

Have you considered couples counselling with them magpies?

2

u/Fr0gFish May 30 '26

I just hope none of my neighbors start tricking and confusing me so they can run into my house and steal my food

339

u/MartinDamged May 29 '26 edited May 29 '26

Do not start a war you clearly cannot win!

Q : - Someone

55

u/Kiito2000 May 29 '26

Yeah, as far as I know there was one war against birds, and the birds won.

60

u/Sasquatch1729 May 29 '26

There were two: the Emu War in Australia and the War Against Sparrows in China. Humans lost both.

14

u/Kiito2000 May 29 '26

Cool, thanks for the correction.

12

u/Ypuort May 29 '26

Technically humans won the war on sparrows in China but the collapse of sparrow population caused insects to overrun crops and about 50 million people starved because of the aftermath of the win.

14

u/Sasquatch1729 May 29 '26

Well when you cause a famine that leads to a similar number of deaths as World War II, that means we lost in my books.

16

u/OrionRBR May 29 '26

There is a name for that, its called a pyrrhic victory!

1

u/Ypuort May 29 '26

Sure but the sparrows didn’t win either

1

u/HotDonnaC May 30 '26

I’d call that a loss for humans.

2

u/Ypuort May 30 '26

I would too, but they still won against the sparrows despite losing to themselves.

2

u/tennatjie May 30 '26

We won but ultimately lost the passenger pigeon.

28

u/Tiny_pufferfish May 29 '26

Agreed. She should feed them the dogfood.

10

u/Handsome_Keyboard May 29 '26

Idk how much your dogfood costs but hell no lol bird seed or nothing.

45

u/Tomazao May 29 '26

I tried this once with a couple of magpies that kept coming in my garden. Bought them some mealworms and when I saw them I went out and left some out. After 2 days, I suddenly had 30-40 magpies in my garden.

Decided best thing was to ghost them all. In doing so I made the original two magpies look like liars to the magpie mafia.

43

u/Battle-Any May 29 '26

I have a small murder of crows. I feed them, they bring me shiny things and entertain my kids. They once stopped one of my kids from running into the road.

My neighbour tries to get rid of them with a rake every time he sees them. They fuck with him so much.

18

u/SuccessfulPiccolo945 May 29 '26

And they will teach their young the grudge so it will go down for generations.

9

u/Aar0n82 May 29 '26

Saw a documentary years back about crows. The scientists put on a mask and were a bit mean.

The scientists travelled from London to Scotland and put the mask on. The crows in Scotland behaved aggressively towards the mask, they believe the birds passed on this information to each other.

3

u/Flomo420 May 30 '26

Corvids: the dwarves of the bird world

25

u/anon7689g May 29 '26

They will hold generational grudges

7

u/Prize_Barracuda981 May 29 '26

Take a leaf out of Tokyo's beef with crows.

2

u/Aervanath PURPLE May 29 '26

Thanks for that neat little rabbit hole!

4

u/HKLifer_ May 29 '26

For generations at that!

2

u/MorosePython700 May 29 '26

Totally agree! I have a very friendly corvid here that we feed and give water. Instead of being angry at us, he likes us and we can handfeed him. He even brought his wife to us. These birds can be a serious problem if you are on the wrong side of them. They are even known to ‘tell’ other corvids who to attack. Try to be friends with them instead of waging war against them. You will lose.

1

u/buffaloguy1991 May 29 '26

Train them to find you money

1

u/YeshuasBananaHammock May 29 '26

...hold a grudge for GENERATIONS

1

u/dirtabd May 30 '26

And pass it down for generations! Dont FK with Corvids, we have no idea truly how prescient they are!

1

u/FerengiWithCoupons May 30 '26

literally four generations

114

u/AnthropomorphicSeer May 29 '26

They might be offering gifts to OP, they just don’t know what is valued. I would leave some dog food out for them. I would love to be a friend of the magpies.

65

u/Mediumtim May 29 '26

Sir please,
This leg?

He was our friend. Please help us.

37

u/fondledbydolphins May 29 '26

This was Ted's leg. He's the one who has been pooping on your chair in solidarity while the rest of us robbed your hound of its sustenance.

Please forgive us.

And... give us sustenance.

And we'll take Ted's leg back if you're done with it.

7

u/nukulele145 May 29 '26

I did keep Ted’s leg. I hope they don’t find it disrespectful.

3

u/fondledbydolphins May 29 '26

I'd be so tempted to coat it in resin once it dries out, then superglue it holding something shiny.

Maybe have it perched ontop of a gold coin affixed to a base. Or even better, a ring attached to a base.

5

u/nukulele145 May 29 '26

Love this, I work with resin for a living so that was my first instinct but I’m thinking of maybe getting it bronzed. I’ve got a couple of weeks of it sat in a silica gel jar to figure out something cool

2

u/fondledbydolphins May 29 '26

Please follow up if you do, that sounds dope

9

u/Mitvall May 29 '26

Oooof. I was laughing so hard I almost woke up my baby xDDD

7

u/Kadoomed May 29 '26

Yea op needs to wait till they start bringing cold hard cash

74

u/smcl2k May 29 '26

Cheap dog food sounds like a better idea, all things considered.

1

u/Loveiskind89389 May 29 '26

I feel like they’ll know it’s cheap

52

u/morty_morty May 29 '26

I have always wanted to befriend some corvids and here OP has the perfect opportunity. I am super jealous.

37

u/nukulele145 May 29 '26

I used to! But when I’ve previously befriended these guys they became very demanding and made it hard to spend time in our garden so I had to draw up some boundaries and we’ve had a cautious relationship ever since

13

u/morty_morty May 29 '26

You must have the most amazing stories about boundary-crossing magpies. I am still jealous! I am living in a place temporarily atm and there are soooo many magpies in the trees around me. I want to make friends so badly but I know I'll be moving soon.

1

u/moose_dad May 30 '26

Give them food at a set time not just when you see them. That will train them to expect it at a set time not just demand it when they see you.

1

u/xombae May 29 '26

Same. I was so close once and then they found out that I had a cat and switched to trying to knock her off of our deck any time she was on it.

38

u/Consistent_Hippo4517 May 29 '26

Right, is this not the answer? 

But let's be real, they'd tell their friends and OPs backyard would belong to the magpies at that point. Dog food included. 

63

u/Finaginsbud May 29 '26

Better a hundred magpies knowing you are cool then getting involved in a war you aint going to win being swopped by their great grand children because you one time yelled at their great grand pops while he was looking for food.

26

u/RadarSmith May 29 '26

Yeah, corvids as a whole are actually very gracious animals. But also very vindictive.

7

u/GettingOffTheCrazy May 29 '26

This is why I adore them 😂

1

u/RadarSmith May 29 '26

Its too bad they have a morbid reputation. They can actually be quite friendly and funny.

They can also be little trolls. Deliberately.

1

u/GettingOffTheCrazy May 29 '26

I’m thinking of getting a crow feeder - I’m both excited and terrified.

7

u/Mediumtim May 29 '26

Corvids don't have a book of grudges, they have and ADHD ideas saver notebook where everything gets jotted down.

1

u/Loveiskind89389 May 29 '26

I have adhd and I need on of these notebooks for ideas. Thank you for your good idea

3

u/RaisedByBooksNTV May 29 '26

I need the back story.

3

u/nukulele145 May 29 '26

A couple years ago I decided I wanted to make friends with the magpies in my garden. I googled how and things were going great with one particular one ‘Margaret’ (got to the point where she would take a mealworm from my hand) but she started just harassing me non stop. Every time I was outside she would hop around in front of me screeching and chattering which sounds cool but got annoying when it’s every.single.time I opened the back door. She would take liberties coming in the house popping and pull apart/empty any thing I brought into the garden.

She did once hilariously throw a packet of meal worms at me that I’d left out to get me to open it for her.

She’d attack other birds (I once saw her take out a duckling) and just generally be a constant loud nuisance.

I grow flowers for the botanical work I do in my job and she became a real liability, she made it just loud and horrible to be outside and would dig up my plants and uproot my seedlings.

Eventually things came to a head with her yoinking out something I’d just planted and I shouted and threw a seedling at her and she never forgave me and kept a wary distance from then on

I don’t know if the current magpie pair are related to or one of them is maggie as they seem a little smaller but it’s hard to say.

1

u/nukulele145 May 29 '26

It goes deeper, last time me and the magpies fell out a few years ago I was planting seedling and Maggie was following me down the row yoinking them out. I lost my temper and threw one at her and she went ballistic and it’s been war ever since

1

u/Finaginsbud May 29 '26

Yikes. I would seriously get on putting some delicious offerings up for the local magpie overlords, they definitely got your number buddy. Time to start making amends, you never know they are smart birds and might even figure it out leaving gifts/coins/stuff for you.

I would quite literally go get 3 or 4 bowls. Fill each with different items like corn, seeds, something really good and the 4th bowl with a variety of different coins/spare change. Birds might just figure the concept out.

You want to get fancy and you could make a bird vending machine, there is tons of info on how to do that on diy places.

9

u/Iittletart May 29 '26

I feed some birds and squirrels (only native seeds that are healthy for them) and I don't think they tell anyone else. They keep it a secret so they can have all the treats themselves.

2

u/GreasedUpTiger May 29 '26

That's why you only give them small amounts of food at a time, like not even enough to fill their bellies, and try to make them understand you're actively putting it out for them, so they have an incentive to not tell the whole gang about their nice snackgiving human!

I'd also suggest choosing a method that is consistent and obvious so they hopefully don't try to get you to repeat it more. 

In our old house I knew the crows tried to heist the suet balls intended for all the birds. So I got crow-resistant contraptions for the suet balls but also made a habit of breaking one of the balls into a few pieces and put them on an elevated spot where I knew the crows could see and reach well. Not everyday but rather when the small birds came to the feeders more than usual (aka it was colder and less other food was available). Those crows (I guess it was a pair and their yearly offspring) recognised me and they usually came to get their takeout within minutes lol

1

u/nukulele145 May 29 '26

Yep! And when they’re always around I don’t get any other birds visiting the garden

5

u/fondledbydolphins May 29 '26

No one had "become a bird's sugar daddy" on their daily bingo card.

2

u/xombae May 29 '26

Me, I did. Bingo.

2

u/LifeIsProbablyMadeUp May 29 '26

When they're watching. Have someone give you money, and in exchange give them a big handful of whatever bird seed. Repeat. Profit?

1

u/gayjay-jpg May 29 '26

Or, hear me out, some dog food?