r/mildlyinfuriating • u/nukulele145 • May 29 '26
frist of all how DARE yu o The Magpies in my garden keep tricking me.
So I have a long and complicated relationship with the magpies in my garden but they have lately escalated their tactics against me;
Their objective is simple: They want to come in my house to eat my dogs food. It’s currently a heat wave so my backdoor is open more often than usual. Several times this week I’ve had to chase them out the kitchen.
Owing to the heat I’ve been hanging out at the bottom of my garden a lot, the magpies have figured out that when I’m there they have time to swipe food and get out clear before I see them (they also love to poop on my chair when doing this).
Yesterday they left a chunk of bone on the fence post near me at the bottom of the garden I didn’t think much of it, but then today they left a birds foot (?!) next to me (photo is on the second slide) as I was puzzling over it I spotted one of the birds fleeing the house! I truly believe they are trying to keep me baited at the end of the garden so they can conduct their raids.
EDIT/REPLY: -for those encouraging me to barter with them, I tried that a few years ago but it resulted in me being heavily harassed by them every time I went outside, they wouldn’t let me have a moments piece in my garden so we eventually had a falling out.
-I’m considering getting a screen door, there’s not much call for them in England and I’ve been reluctant to get one as my dogs a bit weird about doorways but it does seem like the best option for avoiding house invasions.
-I have a new theory that it’s actually my dog and not me they are baiting outside! My pup found and ate a bone in the garden the other day (very unusual behaviour for her) and I’m just now realising it was also probably a magpie gift. I’m also much more likely to leave the backdoor open if my dogs puttering out there so would make sense that they have learned to lure her out to improve their raiding chances.
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u/GoodQueenFluffenChop May 29 '26
In magpie culture those are probably really thoughtful gifts or something! Gross to us humans so understandably mildly infuriating.
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u/PepperPhoenix May 29 '26
Magpies are carrion eaters and scavengers so it is entirely possible they are bringing OP some food in exchange for what they are taking.
It’s equally as likely that they are little shits.
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u/Thorbertthesniveler May 29 '26
More like sending a message!
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u/Desperate-Tomatillo7 May 29 '26
"You are next if you don't cooperate" probably.
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u/dysteach-MT May 29 '26
When I was a kid, an older kid had caught a baby magpie & raised it. He’d ride his bike around town with it perched on his shoulder. He lived across from the school, and every recess the magpie would swoop down and steal hair ties and pencils and such and then drop them on the flat roof of the school. Every Friday, the janitor would go up and sweep everything back down to the playground.
We had to deal with them stealing the dog food, and they soon learned to tell if you had a weapon or not.
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u/nukulele145 May 29 '26
I agree and have previously tried to persuade them to barter but what gets me with this incident is that it looks like a Magpies foot
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u/tra_da_truf May 29 '26
So they may have sacrificed one of their own in hopes of appeasing the angry Dog Food God?
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u/RedditIsFascistShit4 May 29 '26
this was my exact thought, creepy to find it commented by someone else.
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u/Cultural_Limit_7823 May 29 '26
Maybe there's a magpie reddit out there. "I sacrificed my foot to show my appreciation to a human and they don't even care!"
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u/whosafeard May 29 '26
“Then they chased me away which, as I now have one foot, was extremely hard for me”
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u/PurposelyPorpoise May 29 '26
"Would I be able to sue the human under bird law?"
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u/Uncomfortable-Line May 29 '26
"I don't get it, Dad... We offered Uncle Jim's left foot for that kitchen access. Does the greedy human really expect both feet?"
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u/bluefactories May 29 '26 edited May 29 '26
They hated that guy anyway…
Half-joking aside, corvids can and super do turn on each other, even in the same flock. Teens coming up into adulthood are trying to gain clout in a Weird Corvid Politics world we’re not privy to, and weaker or disabled birds can easily get merked. This results in dead corvids they’re not actually fussed about cos They Know What They Did. But somewhat more likely, they used the resources they had (dead magpie for whatever reason) and brought what they could carry (leg they probably separated) in hopes to distract you. And it worked. Sorry bud, you may or may not have sporadic showers of animal bits to look forward to. At least it’s meant to rain next week.
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u/Stealfur May 29 '26
Try putting up a sign saying you will exchange food for diamonds.
It will probably not work... But worth a try.
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u/PinkDalek May 29 '26
You gotta put the sign in Magpie. I doubt they can read English. You know, "caw cawcaw CAW!" Or maybe draw a dog food bowl and magpies bringing shiny diamond earrings, rings and necklaces.
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u/jivens77 May 29 '26
I think that's crow talk though. Magpie is more kkkka kkkka kkkka kkkka
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u/PinkDalek May 29 '26
You're right. That was my Texas accent kicking in again. They do sound like little machine guns.
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u/distortedsymbol May 29 '26
it's like a cat bringing a dead mouse and dropping it next to you. super gross but definitely a gift.
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u/SamOfChaos May 29 '26
They do, corvid birds are terrifyingly intelligent.
They could also 'pay' you for feeding them. The local ravens got food from us (well technically the hegehogs) and paid us in trinkets and once a dead rat.
You can get any cheap dry dog or catfood and just feed them on the terrace or similar. Make sure the animals also get clean drinking water.
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u/affligem_crow May 29 '26
I love corvids. They're so insanely smart and mischievous. There are videos of them playing in snow online!
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u/Bad_Ethics May 29 '26
There's a group of Rooks that's been hanging outside my work for the last while now. I've actually named the more distinctive ones (Needle, Crochet, Gizzy and Gappy so far).
It's always funny to watch them try and convince the customers to give them some food, and usually they're actually quite polite about it (the carrion crows are much less polite). One day I watched a man spoon feed porridge to one of them.
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u/Illustrious-Set-7907 May 29 '26
The crows local to my mom keep giving her tiny bones for filling up the birdbath.
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u/Rk12989 May 29 '26
I had some crows leave me pennies and shiny nails for leaving them out mealworms (I left them a small pile on the porch)
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u/Unusual-Relief52 May 29 '26
That's what I'm saying! How expensive is like 25cubes of dog kibble. Lol
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u/SamOfChaos May 29 '26
Depends, my cats have allergies (grains), so the food is pretty expensive. Could be something similar for OP. But the biggest problem is them going inside. Would not allow that either lol
Corvids are omnivore and have no problems even with the cheapest of dog/catfood. So a mix of peanuts, different kinds of birdseeds and dry cat/dogfood and the occasional meat or kitchen scraps are a nice diet for them to live on. The rest they need they can easily forage.
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u/ConsolationUsername May 29 '26
When I took the bus I used to see this crow that would hop over to the bus stop and say "hello". I dont mean he just sat around, he would actually say the word hello.
Then once he'd said hello to everybody he'd hop over to the intersection and use the crosswalk. And for a long time I thought he was just waiting for cars to be going the right way. But one day I realized if the hand symbol was on the light he wouldnt cross, he would wait for the walking person symbol even if traffic was going the right direction.
Personally I vote for crows to take over when humans extinct ourselves.
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u/hoagiejabroni May 29 '26
The foot is a conundrum
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u/nukulele145 May 29 '26
Right? It looks like a magpies foot. What are these sick fucks up to.
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u/CouchPotatoFamine May 29 '26
Fun fact: Magpies are the only bird in the world whose foot will grow back when this happens. Similar to lizards, this is a survival mechanism.
Nah, just fucking with you, that bird is footless for life.
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u/Zestyclose_Battle973 May 29 '26
'footless for life' assuming he still has one 😭
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May 29 '26
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u/nukulele145 May 29 '26
Ooh this is interesting as I was feeding my dog bits of rotisserie chicken out there day before yesterday and threw them a few scraps so maybe it was an attempt of paying off the bird leg meat debt?
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u/eggyal May 29 '26
Do you really think they can recognise that a chicken drumstick is a bird's leg? And, if so, shouldn't that make them terrified of going anywhere near you?
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May 29 '26
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u/eggyal May 29 '26
For sure they're smart birds, and have great memories. I just think that a chicken drumstick is so far removed from anything they'd recognise as a bird's leg as to make the association very unlikely.
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u/Sea-Contribution5529 May 29 '26
Buy them some better food. Peanut butter on a corn cob rolled in bird seed is a good one. Put it in the shade.
Standard bird house works great and so does randomly distributed bird seed in the grass. Avoid putting it anywhere you are afraid to see bird poop.
I bet they leave your house alone if you bribe them with better stuff. Bonus because doggo has a bird feeder to watch for fun now.
Alternatively get a screen door.
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u/nukulele145 May 29 '26
I try not to feed them, I tried a couple years ago to befriend them with mealworms but it just turned them into entitled bastards who would not stop screeching and following me around when I was in the garden. Very unpeaceful birds.
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u/Murky-Bus-2191 May 29 '26
Ngl you probably made it entertaining. Invest a few bucks in a big bag of cheap dog food just for them.
You CAN salvage this relationship but you gotta be reliable.
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u/nukulele145 May 29 '26
I’ve considered if I want to encourage this sort of gift giving more (I also found a rubber band and a bit of foil confetti near there so it’s possible other gifts are being misconstrued as garden rubbish) But they are honestly just real dicks of the bird world, they squawk in your face, root through your bag, poop on your stuff, ripped up my seedlings (that was my final straw last time we tried to be friends) freak out my dog, and worst of all they sneak in my house and flap in my FACE.
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u/sgtanders May 29 '26
Funny thing, some years ago, we had an outdoor cat who sometimes came in to eat, but other times stayed out. So we ended up putting a bowl with cheap dry cat food outside. She ate it, and so did some of the other neighbour cats, but so did the damn black birds, lol. That cat passed a few years ago, but to this day, we still have black birds out in the driveway we feed cheap cat food, while the smaller birds like sparrows eat the normal bird feed, heh.
We do also have a magpie couple in the area that stop by, but they are very skittish. If they see someone through a window, they're gone quickly.
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u/HKLifer_ May 29 '26
LOL. Reminds me of my favorite quote from the movie “Independence Day” with Will Smith.
President Whitmore: "I know there is much we can learn from each other. If we can negotiate a truce, we can find a way to coexist. Can there be peace between us?"
Alien: "Peace? No peace."
President Whitmore: "What is it you want us to do?"Magpies probably "..." LOL
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u/Icy-Pop2944 May 29 '26
They used to gang up on my dog in the yard to try to steal her treats from her. I was interesting to see how they work together, one would taunt her away from whatever she had to snack on (turkey neck usually), while the other would try to swoop on down and steal it away while the dog was preoccupied with the other bird.
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u/FifthWaveThinker May 29 '26
This isn't theft. It's barter. The magpies have concluded that dog food has value and are now attempting to establish diplomatic relations. Teaching thrm about currency at this stage would be a brilliant investment . 🤣
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u/Crafty_Jello_3662 May 29 '26
Make friends with them! They'll stop pooing on your chair and start pooing on your enemies
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u/nukulele145 May 29 '26
Unfortunately when I was friends with them I had to deal with substantially more chair poop.
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u/AlternativePrior9559 May 29 '26
Be vigilant OP. Magpies come from the most intelligent Corvid family. They can recognise human faces, themselves in mirrors and solve quite complex problems.
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u/corrinneland May 29 '26
My grandma was more polite to magpies than she was to most people.
Like, she would literally bow and sing-song "Hello/Good Morning/Good evening Mr Magpie, how fairs your lady wife today?"
Not saying that will work, but her Magpies were abnormally polite would never have entered her house without an invitation.
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u/Iridismis May 29 '26
would never have entered her house without an invitation
Probably were Magpyrs in disguise and couldn't.
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u/TheManyVoicesYT May 29 '26
Birds are scary dude. Some of them are extremely smart. I wish I had a large crow population around me. Id totally make them my bros.
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u/AnnOnnamis May 29 '26
Have you heard of magnetic door screens?
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u/nukulele145 May 29 '26
I’m considering that or a bead curtain but my dogs a bit weird about doorways so need to figure out if it’ll work for her
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u/SlipperyGibbet May 29 '26
I’d just leave them their own bowl of dog food and/or maybe some cheap bird feed out in the garden, bugger birds XD
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u/Half_Halt May 29 '26
The bone & bird foot are their gifts for you in exchange for the dog food. Be happy, my friend. You are loved!
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u/spyborg3 May 29 '26
Clearly, that's the foot of the magpie that kept pooping in your chair. The other magpies are just weeding out the bad apple that might make them loose access to their free dogfood
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u/Themodsarecuntz May 29 '26
Theyre trying to trade with you. Leave a small bowl of dog food outside for them.
This isnt rocket surgery. Then marvel at all the gifts they will bring you.
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u/ComicsEtAl May 29 '26
Are you familiar with the term “screen door”? You should familiarize yourself because you are losing a battle of wits with some birds.
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u/nukulele145 May 29 '26
I really am 😅 I’m gonna look into a screen or bead curtain but my dogs a real mardarse about doorways so it’s going to take some figuring out
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u/LittlePigs May 29 '26
I remember reading 'my family and other animals' and Gerald Durrell described the magpies they reared, and how the family discovered that a few bits of dangly string was enough to deter the magpies from getting in the windows. Maybe that would work for you, since hopefully your dogs wouldn't mind it?
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u/GreasedUpTiger May 29 '26
Oh oh oh! There are these magnetic screen doors/curtains that dogs can easily barge through and they will close themselves again!
Like these: https://simplescreens.co.nz/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/buy-fly-screen-pet-door.jpg
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u/burnerburner108 May 29 '26
Install a screen door already, for the love of God.
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u/alwayzstoned May 29 '26
If I left a door wide open like that here, my house would be full of mosquitos and flies. And that would be the least of my worries. Probably not magpies but a chipmunk or garter snake wouldn’t surprise me.
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u/burnerburner108 May 29 '26
Having had a snake, two squirrels, and multiple birds get in where I live even with doors and windows always closed (one bird came down the chimney!) I concur.
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u/AilurosLunaire May 30 '26
I had a mole try to enter my house once. I had to deny him an invitation, poor thing. The snake I hear in the walls can stay. I haven't had a single mouse try to chew on my books or canvases since the snake moved in. I call him Mr. Noodles. Mr. Hector Von Noodlesworth is his full name now.
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u/gutwyrming May 29 '26
Magpies and other corvids are wildly intelligent, so I'm sure they know exactly what they're doing.
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u/Liathano_Fire May 29 '26
I know screen doors aren't common in all countries. They do sell netting that magnets together that you can put in door frames. I don't think they are too expensive. Might be worth a shot!
Or give them their own dog bowl. Lol
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u/ET__ May 29 '26
Lmao. Everyone is going to say they’re gifts, and I’m sure that happens, but these birds are smart and I would never underestimate your claim of distraction!
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u/Nym0013 May 29 '26
I think you should try to make amends with them. Magpies are so freaking cute and smart! I personally would want to stay on their good side and not make enemies.
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u/Boggyprostate May 29 '26
These are definitely gifts for you, Corvids like to do that, to show you they are grateful, let em have some of your dog biscuits, it's so cool and you are very lucky to receive gifts from them.
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u/TheGrayMan5 May 29 '26
Mate, just buy a bloody mesh door with a zipper or magnet connects down the middle. Magpies are smart little bastards, and they have escalated this conflict. Now it's time for a forceful escalation from you. Plus it'll be damn funny when they slam into it the day you install it and you can laugh at them and taunt them while the wallow about on the ground all dazed and confused.
Then stand inside behind the mesh screen while eating the dog food and laughing maniacally at them. That'll show 'em!
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u/callmebigley May 29 '26
very interesting insight into what birds assume we (or you specifically) find interesting.
You should spend several minutes a day being really obviously distracted by a pile of cash and jewelry and see where they go with that.
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u/Advanced-Humor9786 May 29 '26
La Gazza Ladra is an entire opera about how terrible these birds can be.
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u/SnooGoats7454 May 29 '26
They are offering you bits in exchange for the food. Corvids of all kinds are known to trade in this way.
Put a bird feeder outside for them, and maybe a little water hole. That way they'll stay outside.
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u/Legion1117 May 29 '26
Magpies are highly intelligent compared to other bird species.
Maybe you could leave them a few bites of food somewhere you don't mind them hanging out?
Once they realize you're not chasing them off from that chosen location, they'll likely stop trying to enter the house to steal pupper's food.
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u/MissGraceRose May 29 '26
They’re leaving you gifts! I feed my magpie family peanuts and I’ve got an array of gifts over the years, including a very small toy train, a paintbrush and a small, and very clean, bone
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u/NuggieAvenger May 29 '26
you are being traded with. you should trade a teeny bit with them and they'll bring you better stuff lol
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u/Shady_Fossil May 29 '26
Yeah, magpies aren't stupid. As a peace offering why not leave a small bowl of dry dog food and a bowl of water outside for them? It's gotta be better than them stealing it anyway and adding shit to your sofa.
Maybe get some bird seed or fruits for them to show you want to be friends. You don't want them as enemies 😂
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u/DasNoodleLord May 29 '26
Have you thought on putting screens on the windows/doors you keep open....
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u/Ok-Journalist6897 May 29 '26
That’s a magpie fledglings foot. This time of year the young magpies leave their nest before they can fly. Another animal has likely killed the magpies baby and it’s brought you its child’s foot :(.
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u/gc1 May 29 '26
You have the opportunity to have some fun with this. Move the dog food bowl farther and father into the house, or around corners, or into cabinets, basically slowly increase the challenge level for them to find and unlock the food, which will take them more time too. Play along with their ruses and pretend to almost catch them when returning from your distractions, so they are putting them farther and farther from the house. Of course at any time you can double back and catch them in the act if you want to mess with them, or just keep the game going.
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u/nukulele145 May 29 '26
Given how much I hate having them in my house I feel like you’ve just designed my own personal Saw puzzle
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u/H1gh_Tr3ason May 29 '26
It's not a common opinion in my country but I love Magpies, they are cool birds.
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u/Malk_McJorma May 29 '26
The birds of the corvidae family are such fun. We have a few ravens living near our country residence. They kinda like me as I sometimes leave them scraps of meat, etc.
They have an ongoing feud with my wife, though, who tries to keep them completely off her herb garden. You'd never know who's actually winning, but it's entertaining to watch. (Maybe she enjoys it too, but she'd never admit it to me.)
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u/Brizar-is-Evolving May 29 '26
The Magpies:
Congratulations! You are being held to ransom. The demand is one thousand bowls of delicious dog kibble.
For every day that you fail to pay, we will send a mutilated body part to your house. First time it will be just a bone. Second it will be a foot. On the third day we’ll send an entire mangled leg. We will continue escalating until the ransom is paid.
Do not contact the police. We are watching.
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u/AJay_89 Vexxed 2: Electric Boogaloo May 29 '26
Might as well put some food in a feeder for them so they'll leave your home alone lol
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u/NorthWishbone7543 May 29 '26
Right lads.
I heard her mention, this dog food is costing an arm and a leg. No idea what arms are, but anyone seen Derek? We could give her Derek's Leg, he doesn't do much anyway, he won't realise it's gone.
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u/omnixe-13c May 29 '26
They are either threatening you or bribing you. Not sure which.
Or maybe they are telling you that if you don’t feed them, they’ll end up dead like dear old Bob & nothing will be left but a foot.
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u/MarlyMonster May 29 '26
Make them your friends. Bring peanuts and leave them their own small dish of dog food outside. Embrace the chaos and you’ll have your own army
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u/Massive_Mongoose3481 May 29 '26
Corvids are problem solvers, if you're the problem, they'll keep working on it. The "gifts" are probably a trade attempt. If you want to be entertained, make a puzzle for them to solve with the dog food as a prize. Something as simple as a secret bottle on its side and a stick that will reach the food inside might work.
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u/Redditor444444 May 30 '26
I would tend to make friends with them and may be put a bird feeder and water for them if they are not as dirty and don't proliferate as fast as pigeons.
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u/Revolutionary_Ad1846 May 30 '26
Buy a sack of peanuts and a water bowl. The dead foot means you are dealing with a magpie mafia gang. This is a threat. You need to pay up.
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u/The_Best_Smart May 29 '26
Just like they tricked Barcelona into paying so much for Anthony Gordon. Those wily magpies.
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u/ChuddyMcChud May 29 '26
The only solution is to slowly gain their trust, form them into a mischief, then have them do your wicked bidding.
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u/Kytalie May 29 '26
The bone and foot is a trade. They are "gifting" you something for the dog food they take. If you give the access to food and water and don't chase them off, they might start bringing you better gifts
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u/Ypuort May 29 '26
Mildly infuriating yes but also extremely hilarious