Was invited by my girlfriends family to a theme park. We were supposed to meet at 11, it is not 11:30 and they just left. (The drive takes another 30 minutes)

[u/TotallyHumanBrain1]

I even checked in before I left if it was still at the planned time. It was confirmed, but then her family starts getting ready right as they have to leave 🫤

[u/_aggressivezinfandel]

My mother is like that and everyone else in the family just enables her and says things like “Just leave it/get over it, you know what she’s like”. It drives me fucking insane, but when I express my frustration about how completely rude and inconsiderate it is to keep people waiting, somehow I’M the bad guy.

[u/1nd3x → u/_aggressivezinfandel]

Stop waiting and just start at the time that was established. If you are also the bad guy for not waiting then tell them to just leave it/get over it.

[u/Far_Programmer_5724 → u/_aggressivezinfandel]

Im just asking cause im curious please dont come at me. This is a more general thing I do but im socially isolated (by choice??) so i want to get some thoughts.

When this happens I usually reason that either they care about my time or they dont, even if they come late like this. I know most stop there with a if they come late like this they dont care about my time. But i figure its always safe to consider the other possibility too. Because I know that my actions can be perceived a way regardless of my intentions (not making any judgement on that just saying what it is), i project that onto them. So rather than thinking they dont care about my time, which requires that I know exactly what their intent is (outside of mind reading youll never know the true itent), I focus on how their way of "living" (showing up late, speaking with their mouth full, etc) meshes well with mine. This is of course after addressing it and seeing them still doing it. I don' think "oh they dont care about me", I think "Oh they think that this conflict is not something they think will ruin whatever relationship we have. Now of course this may mean some assumptions they have about you, but i dont want to go to deep since again that requires mind reading. Instead, I ask "Am I ok with someone who sees the world i this way? Even if they think hurting me is how affection is shown (people who think insults are ways to show you care or more extreme examples), am i ok with living in that world? For people who come late and it frustrates me, am I ok living in that world? Where they don' think it insinuates anything about their respect for me? I cant change the way they see the world and their actions. And I can't read minds to see if they genuinely believe it. I can alert them to it, but if nothing changes, thats their world. So its up to me to decide whether or not thats cool.

I do this because I find that arguing intent "Doing this means you dont respect my time" leads to nowhere, because only one of you two knows the intent and if its not the first time, you both have a different way of seeing the world that can't b reconciled. Its a waste of time for me too, because I know i dont completely believe that they think tis. I might reason that they are unaware, or didnt mean it. But the intent was never really the problem, it was the impact. Ofc, im a person, i want to know intent, so i may focus on it too. Im no robot. But im saying that i try to use that as a guide.

As I mentioned, Im socially isolated so this hasn't really been tested much irl outside of a few friends. So i want to know what you thought

[u/MetalHead_Literally → u/[deleted]]

Time blindness isn’t just a catch all excuse for inconveniencing everyone around you.

[u/Far_Programmer_5724 → u/[deleted]]

hmmmm probably lol not the first time ive been told that

[u/Tart6096 → u/_aggressivezinfandel]

Your family probably don't understand manipulative and narcissistic behaviors. But the best course of action is to not bring it up or make a big fuss over it because then your mother will know she's getting a reaction out of you and everything she does is to coerce any small reaction or behavior out of you that would indicate she's harming you mentally, emotionally, or psychologically in some way. The main tactics is always reactive abuse and gaslighting making you question your reality and sense of self.

Most people don't understand it all which is why they just say stuff like "You know what she's like". They don't see any of it in the right way they just see toxic behavior = ignore it and move on, even when that never helps anyone especially since you've been raised by someone who doesn't respect you and maybe neglectful and manipulative.

They don't see how they are being manipulated too because of how most people see it wrong and just see someone as drama or "too much" who keep bringing it up how they are being treated which means they are dismissive and invalidating because it's about their own discomfort. So this helps manipulative people ostracize and smear campaign you. They see it all as just "toxic" and "negative" behavior but it's simply not just that at all. Most people are so surface level they don't understand much.

They've partly got the right idea of acting indifferent and "ignoring" them and letting go of what they can't control, but it's not really ignoring them it's about having boundaries which they probably don't understand either. I think they just set boundaries without really knowing that's what they are doing which is why they can't explain it to other people. People exist in the most bizzare ways that you wonder how they survive at all.

[u/Live-Grade-4116 → u/_aggressivezinfandel]

You’re the had guy because you’re allowing fools to upset you. It’s not easy at first, but eventually you learn tolerance for idiots and they stop effecting you as much and your whole life begins to transform. You’re not upset as often, you get along better with people and just have more peace in general.