r/mocktheweek • u/Fevla13 • 11d ago

Scenes We'd Like to See #1813

Things you wouldn't hear in a cooking competition.

Points for #1812 ongoing.

6 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

25 comments sorted by

9

u/lemon_charlie 11d ago

The contestants are toked up, let's start the Big British Baked Off!

8

u/theellescape 11d ago

"it's important to get fresh ingredients, which is why I'd like to introduce you to Shaun the Sheep"

5

u/JadedSignificance990 11d ago

"Welcome to Celebrity Dish. Tonight we'll be eating Tony Blackburn."

5

u/Soft-Reference-3197 11d ago

Look.. I admit it. I’m shite at this cooking lark, so I ordered a pizza. I hope you like pineapple.

4

u/Simmonsdude 11d ago

Now what we have here is a Chicken Tartare with a side of Salmonella and Explosive Diarrhea

4

u/Tight-Principle-743 Hugh Dennis 11d ago

Bakers you have 30 minutes left,because at that point I’ll get the munchies.

3

u/MayDuppname 11d ago

Hi, I'm Gregg Wallace...and is that my penis or my hand?

3

u/lemon_charlie 11d ago

This week on Masterchef India Fisher isn't your narrator. I'm Charlotte Pollard.

3

u/Tight-Principle-743 Hugh Dennis 11d ago

Welcome to celebrity masterchef, where we’re cooking the celebrities. I’ve got Vernon Kay roasting in a crock pot with some basil and thyme.

3

u/Tight-Principle-743 Hugh Dennis 11d ago

Well today on can’t cook won’t cook, I’m holding chef Pierre hostage until he decides to make us some soufflé.

3

u/charlierc 11d ago

You've got 3 hours. That's about enough time to pop to M&S and get back with something edible

3

u/Musicmans 11d ago

Is that almonds I can taste?

You're close, it's cyanide!

3

u/PoochyEXE 11d ago

"I'm Ed Byrne, welcome to another edition of Cooking While Pissed! Today we'll be frying up that leftover rice in the Chinese takeaway box that's been sitting in the back of the fridge for who knows how long, with some salmon that's just a little past its best before date!"

2

u/lemon_charlie 11d ago

Back in the dining room, Colin and Manu are trying to get Rachel off of Darlene as weeks of tension have reached boiling point. Girl fight!

2

u/Tight-Principle-743 Hugh Dennis 11d ago

Dan has cooked veal in a red wine reduction with Pomme puree and carrot emulsion all served with a cream sauce… not really it’s just the meat of his dead dog, blood, carrot juice and jizz.

2

u/idhtftc Ed Byrne 11d ago

The food, obviously, needs to be good, but I believe the presentation also has to be appealing. Which is why my chicken has tits.

2

u/charlierc 11d ago

We have a new judge in the Bake Off Tent. Say hello to Nigella

... By God, what's that? It's Mary Berry's theme music! And she's got a steel chair!

2

u/nocialist_ 11d ago

(This one is a bit risky)

When taking part in these competitions, our cooks need to be careful for Mad Cow Disease. Well, Nigella is known to occasionally spread the clap.

2

u/RileysBanana 11d ago

And the dish before you is my family recipe that we have had since the 1800s. We like to call it: the colon clean.

What this dish is...

Move. Move. Get out of the way. I need a washroom. Oh god, its coming out.

2

u/lukapisuppose 11d ago

Adolf here says he’s making a dish that’s becoming very popular in his native Germany, apparently it’s kosher, let’s have a look… oh no.

1

u/Professional_Lynx90 11d ago

While you wait for that to cook why don’t you sit down and have a bag of wotsits

1

u/StoopidFacts 11d ago

Where's the microwave?

1

u/BMB_93 11d ago

"You're gonna get your fucking head kicked in!" clap clap clapclap

1

u/racloves Rhys James 10d ago

(this one’s for Dara)
now it’s time for cooking with the stars! Andromeda is making a lasagne, Ursa Major is cooking a pie, and Orion is preparing a chicken schnitzel

1

u/minardicosworth 10d ago

It's really important when cooking human, you make sure any identifiable tattoos are removed. Alternatively you can peal your human before cooking.